To not care about your appearance anymore

[Obi1Kenobi]

Basically I have thrown in the towel and given up. Running a home with 3 kids under 5, I just can’t be arsed. I don’t have the energy to put makeup on. Brushing my hair has become optional. Showering happens at some point in the day when there is time. Clothes are clean and washed, but I have lost the will to look good anymore!

AIBU to think that no one cares what I look like anyway as I am over 40 and a mum of 3. Or are they all judging me for being a slob?

Kids are impeccably dressed and presentable. I just look like a stressed out crazy bag lady.

I used to (pre kids) judge a woman I worked with because she came into work with wet hair. Not everyday but at least twice a week and as we did Flexi time she dashed in before 1000 so she wouldn't be late.

Then I had kids and found out that you have to grab your you time where you could

Bloody Hell, im 42 and seriously hope I'm not invisible to others! It doesn't help that I feel like I'm in my 20s but unfortunately don't look like it these days!

When my kids were little, I'd get up, shower, get dressed and do my make up before they woke up no matter if it was 6am or 8am. I never wanted to be someone who spent the day in their dressing gown not having had time to get dressed.

I don't think many on here will admit that yes, people do notice what others look like. Im friends with a wide range of people, some love their clothes, some couldn't give a shit! But unbrushed hair, dirty clothes, etc. isn't good.

Is semi permanent makeup something that interests you? I've had my eyebrows tattooed and I know you can have eyeliner and lip tint done as well. There's also eyelash extensions, so technically you could whack a bit of B.B. cream on and look fully made up instantly!

Agree. As sad as it is first impressions whether you like it or not do set the tone. That’s why I just want to look a bit more polished for my own happiness not the judgement of others. I generally don’t care what x,y,z think but I do care about the ‘image’ I project to the world for my kids. I am not a full makeup person. Moisturise, mascara (I have blonde eye lashes which is a nightmare), lip gloss/balm and decent managed not bed head hair is a start on top of a decentish outfit. Everyone judges each other on appearance. A whole industry (media, social media, the arts) feeds this obsession.

I want so try and be the best I can be in a very short time. Have booked an eyebrow wax which I will admit to really can define there shape of the face and then you can maintain until it just becomes caterpillars again. Also dyed the eyebrows. Man I look crazy!

Then it’s tinted moisturiser or a combo thereof as I might have some foundation lurking about. Get my hair sorted as the grey hair is really unacceptable as it’s growing in streaks like Elsa from Frozen! I am not ready for that yet!
Then tackle the wardrobe and a very good friend of mine can come with me charity shopping as she is excellent at picking key pieces that suit and brutally honest if they don’t. Then save a bit and get some trousers/jeans that actually fit me! Everything is either too big (pregnancy and post pregnancy) or just so old it’s lost shape.

It’s time I claimed me back a little. Just enough so I don’t feel like a personal assistant to my kids and partner. If I FEEL good (doesn’t mean look it) surely that bolsters self confidence and happiness.

And agree with looking natural. As all women do look good and themselves but there is no harm in accentuating what’s there. I am a lick of massacre, lip balm kind of person but do think your clothes and hair help lift you up a notch to look better. Yourself just better and there isn’t anything wrong with that if it’s for yourself.

I think 90% of your appearance is hair and clothes. And as long as you have good shoes/trainers/boots and decent jacket, the rest is fine as long as it's clean. Just slap on a tinted moisturiser, some mascara, quick pop of cream blush, and tinted lip balm. If you're managing to have a shower every day with 3 under 5, I take my hat off to you!

I am you basically. But I genuinely think my life would be improved if I had good hair. It's thick, frizzy and takes about an two hours to wash and dry so usually I don't and it gets swept back into an unattractive thick wirey bun.
That said, the days where I've applied some fake tan the night before (holiday sun type stuff rather than full on fake tan) and pencilled my eyebrows a bit, I do feel a bit better so I think a bit of colour and decent eyebrows might help?

I have three with autism, and some days clean jeans, white t-shirt/sweatshirt/beige or black sweater, and trainers is all I can do. A colourful scarf if cold out, leather biker/huge parka/denim jacket/blazer. My favourite tinted lip balm is a red coloured one from Burt's Bees, a love bright raspberry coloured one.

I used to be a model. Totally unglamorous and demeaning.
I have 3 kids now.
I cut my own hair. Colour my own hair. I give no fucks about my appearance, because essentially I am too bloody busy.
Life goes on.

Makeup is just that. Paint for your face. Why on earth should I rely on painting my face to feel confident and in control? Do men feel like that? No.

I do my eyebrows though otherwise I look like Hulk on a bad day.

Why bother with your eyebrows then? I’d make-up is just paint for your face, shaped eyebrows are just a bit less hair on your face surely? Do men feel better about themselves for having thinner eyebrows? No so by your make-up logic then neither should you.

FWIW I love a bit of make-up and definitely feel a little bit more confident when I’m wearing it then when I’m not. Different strokes and all that.

OP if you did want to do a bit of low maintenance grooming then there are some great tips upthread. I have 3 DC too so I hear you. I enjoy having my hair nice and make-up done so (generally) I get up a little bit earlier to enable me to do it (takes 5 - 10 mins in total). If you don’t want to wear make-up etc though that’s not unreasonable at all, as long as you’re confident and happy.

Agree hyenaand just to be clear this isn’t for anyone else at all. It’s just for me for once.

"first impressions whether you like it or not do set the tone. That’s why I just want to look a bit more polished for my own happiness not the judgement of others"

Confused by this. First impressions matter but not the judgement of others? Can both be true at the same time?

Is there an element of wanting to look good but not wanting to admit why as somehow that is the "wrong" reason?

Its quite liberating to GENUINELY ngaf about what people think.

It’s just for me for once.

Nothing wrong with wanting to look nice for yourself at all. I love a scarf. I went out today with minimal make-up but my hair shined and swishy (I use an intensive conditioner regularly), my sunglasses on and a massive scarf and felt very confident. All I was wearing was skinny jeans, trainers and a nice jumper that toned with my big scarf well. I thought I looked well put together and good and I couldn’t give a tinkers if anyone or everyone thought I didn’t.

Enjoy giving yourself a bit of pampering OP

I don't care but I want to care? Iyswim? I used to be incredibly glamorous but now look like a bag lady one dd she's almost two I'm a single Mum work part time and also like to sit down and chill a lot!!! I'm 39 this year used to look incredibly young for my age but now not so much. Definitely feel like I've lost my looks

Can't we please define ourselves by what we know and what we do rather than how we look?

Agree jon66 but this isn’t about what other propel think of me externally but what I want to feel projecting outwards. As mums or parents or guardians or carers ect with multiple pressures allowed to seek advice on how to feel ‘himan’ again as we sacrifice so much of ourselves? I have given up caring but I do care. Yes I know. But I just want to look above average so I feel and by that I also include look good not what anyone else thinks. It’s sctually all about me for once and for once in a very, very long time.

people not propel!

If I genuinely cared what others thought of me I would never have stepped foot outside my house brakes, coat over pyjama too and mental hair. Believe me. I don’t care what others think I care what my kids and I think. I just want to look a little less messy and a bit more ‘together’. I would like to project to the world not a fake image (believe me I am as real as you get) but for myself and the kids I don’t want look like I was dragged through a hedge backwards by a poletergeist who happened to do the same school run as me!

Can't we please define ourselves by what we know and what we do rather than how we look?

I may be wrong but I don’t believe that there are any posters who have stated that they define themselves by their looks.

People have said that they enjoy make-up and that they feel better about themselves when they wear it, that doesn’t mean that they are defined by it. Not does it mean that they value it above their knowledge or other aspect of their personalities. Grooming and intellect are not mutually exclusive.

People are complex and multi-faceted, their enjoyment of one thing doesn’t negate their enjoyment of another.

I am exactly the same @Obi1Kenobi

6 weeks since I had DS with a very traumatic birth.

Currently suffering with a blocked milk duct, mastitis amongst other post pregnancy ailments.

Today I've not showered, hair has not been brushed.

I'm hoping the me I used to know will come back

A hairdresser once told me the best way to stop your hair going totally nuts at night is to use a silk pillow case (or a silk scarf over your pillow). Might sounds expensive but I have tried it a few times and it really works.
Might help your DD too.

I tend to keep my hairbrush on my bedside table and as soon as I wake up I brush my hair so it's done!

My minimum is mascara on and i always have a tinted lip moisturiser (just a cheap one) in my coat pocket that gives my lips a bit of colour but makes me look less drained!

I'm a big fan of beauty flash balm (Clarins). It is expensive but works wonders!

"Wow, that's so depressing it actually makes me want to kill myself"

Are you suicidal, or just mocking those who are?

cheshire I'm sorry to hear that - are you getting any support with your mental health? There is nothing quite like coming out of a traumatic experience, wondering who the hell you are now and incidentally having a newborn baby to deal with as well.

It took me 3 and half years to begin to put my mind back together...please don't leave it that long if you have the chance!

There's a big, big space between spending time and money on hairstyling, fashionable clothes and 'everyday' makeup and looking and smelling like Mrs Twit.
I'm actually quite fond of wearing make up from time to time but I frequently didn't wear it for work and still don't, if I don't feel like it. If I don't have to go out anywhere other than the supermarket/post office or whatever, I will live in tracksuits and sometimes just put coat and boots on over pyjamas. OK I wash often enough not to smell, and will generally brush my hair if I'm going to have to interact with other people for more than the few seconds it takes to buy bread, but I do not owe anyone the time and labour it would take me to 'look nice'.

But then my choices in clothing etc have always been good for annoying people. Several decades of 'You shouldn't wear that -

Because you're fat
Because it's unfashionable
Because it's too colourful and will attract attention
Because it's too sexy
Because you would look nicer if you just do as you're told'

So I now do pretty much exactly what I like. Because other people are, mainly, stupid and irrelevant, and if they want to waste their own time and money either fannying around with how they look or worrying about how I look, it's not my problem.