To not care about your appearance anymore

[Obi1Kenobi]

Basically I have thrown in the towel and given up. Running a home with 3 kids under 5, I just can’t be arsed. I don’t have the energy to put makeup on. Brushing my hair has become optional. Showering happens at some point in the day when there is time. Clothes are clean and washed, but I have lost the will to look good anymore!

AIBU to think that no one cares what I look like anyway as I am over 40 and a mum of 3. Or are they all judging me for being a slob?

Kids are impeccably dressed and presentable. I just look like a stressed out crazy bag lady.

I never wear make up (unless I have a spot to cover up), never had my eyebrows done, haven’t had my hair cut in years, my wardrobe consists of gym wear, jeans, vest tops and pj’s, I do have a couple ‘going out outfits’ which rarely get worn. I do wash and straighten my hair most days but when the kids were little I didn’t bother, had it short so could get away with a flick of the brush before school runs. I’m not too bothered what other people think, I have better things to do with my time then doing make up and plucking my eyebrows.

For me it's not so much that I care how I looked when my kids were small and needed my attention, it's that I felt in control if I got up, had a shower, put make up on, etc.

If I floated around in my pyjamas I never felt motivated, and I couldn't face getting dressed without having a shower first. It's just the way I am.

Control freak

Well said some knobend.

Diana Vreeland said that attractiveness is not a rent you pay to occupy a space marked ‘female’.

Which is absolutely right of course.

But I do find that I feel better personally when I fancy myself a bit. I can’t be arsed with loads of makeup and blow drying hair but I do tint my eyebrows and eyelashes once a month so in the mornings I curl my eyelashes, maybe put a coat of mascara on, concealer under eyes, blusher and lip balm or lipstick if I’m feeling cheerful.

My hair is a blunt cut, graduated bob, so needs minimum input but still looks a bit edgy and like I have some clue about style. I tend to wear outfits all in one colour with one ‘look at me’ accessory like bright or patterned shoes/trainers, a statement necklace or a scarf. Nails short and rounded with a slick of clear polish.

It takes me about five minutes to get ready in the mornings (not including shower).

I have a 17 month old and a 2.10 yr old - I'm 45 and currently SAHM.

My 2 year old is and always has been REALLY demanding, clingy, can't play on her own, wants constant interaction, gets up around 5am on full steam and goes to bed after a struggle around 9.30pm....etc.

Result of this being I no longer straighten my hair, wear make-up, a bath is a treat that I have every 2-3 days, my hair gets washed twice a week instead of every other day and my clothes are chosen based on what is clean rather than what matches.

It's hard having little ones at home! Cut yourself some slack. They won't be little or at home all day for long. Once they go to school you can work on getting yourself back :)

Bravo someknobend I was just thinking similar. God my poor husband having to live with dishevelled me! I must go and put my make up and heels on before he gets in

I shower the night before school, wash hair and (mine's really cavewoman crazy if i left it) after it's dry I twist it into a bun so I can sleep on it and it's kind of still ok the next day. I'm blonde so I dye my eyelashes and brows (which always terrifies DC who yell at me for looking like THE NUMBERTAKER (charming) when they're freshly darkened. I stick deodorant on before bed (prbably really bad for you for some reason but it means I am still smelling OK for the day ahead without a shower)

If I have time I like to slap on a bit of tinted moisturiser just to even things (by things i mean my reddish nose and blackish eye bags) out and a bit of bright pink scouse blush (as my more carefully groomed northestern sistas call it) literally makes you look done. Or me done. Or even, as done as the school run is ever gonna get me.

Also another tip I've learnt is once you're downstairs and in the thick of getting kids ready there's no realistic time for popping back upstairs for yourself so I keep a toothbrush and a mascara and a small mirror in my kitchen so I can whapp that on while issuing commands/supervising toast. I"m sure u look more glam than you feel BTW. Eyelash extensions are also great for feeling glam but they pulled my own lashes out a bit which put me off.

Above all, dont' beat yourself up! Your'e putting your kids first which is admirable but you just have to work out a way to consider yourself too. Fix your own oxygen mask before helping others...

How does any busy woman spend more than 5 minutes on make-up anyway?

Moisturiser, quick slick of foundation (no time for blending/brushes/sponges - fingers only), dab of blusher (ditto), bit of lippy, dab of powder, mega quick eyeliner and I'm good to go.

Get lashes tinted, brows "done" if you're bothered about brows/lashes, find someway of doing your hair that takes 30 seconds (pony tail, messy bun), lay out clothes the night before.

It takes me longer in the morning to feed the dogs than it does to get dressed & made up.

I’m 40+ and have three under five! Don’t give up. He one thing I haven’t mastered yet is daily make up though I do look ok without.
But I wash my hair and style it in the evenings... have go-to outfits that I know look nice.. religiously get my hair cut and coloured every 8-10 weeks (DH holds all three kids) and have fairly regular manicures and pedicures. Brushing your hair takes a minute. A squirt of perfume and job done.

I have a 5 year old and a 6 week old. Your post makes me feel sad! Of course you aren't invisible and it's worth making an effort even if it's just for yourself.
Even with a new born I still do my make up and hair everyday and I'm an overweight unattractive 30 year old. I have a low fuss long bob and wash/straighten every other day. I get up before the kids and have a shower and do my make up before they get up.
I'm on maternity leave so no one really sees me but it makes me feel better about myself. If i dont do it before they get up i dont get time so i really recommend getting up half hour before them. Ways to speed up make up -
Eyebrow tint or mircobladed eyebrows
Lvl lashes or mascara takes seconds
even just a bit of bb cream or tinted moisturiser makes a difference
My absolute must haves are an eye cream and nice face cream.

I rarely bother with makeup (and when I do, it's not very much - basically just enough to show that I'm wearing makeup!), I shower, like you, when I have time, I chop a few inches off my hair every few months, and it spends most of its time in a pony tail. I have jeans and t-shirts that I wear every day.

I don't mind, I've never been particularly invested in my looks - I'm clean, I'm tidy, I'm doing my job and looking after my kids, I don't feel I have to be ornamental as well. My 'poor partner'? - well, he loves me as me, and whether I'm wearing mascara or not really doesn't make a difference to him. Much as I couldn't care less if he's had a haircut recently.

What matters is how you feel about it - I know that I'm happy, and that I couldn't care less what other people think about my less than perfect eyebrows - do you mind? Or would you feel better if you could carve out the time to do this stuff?

I think people do notice if you look a mess, I would be put off wanting to talk to or form a relationship with someone who had greasy and unbrushed hair. Its nice to make the effort and look presentable, that doesnt mean looking perfect, but clean clothes and face, brushed and cut hair etc are things that everybody can and should do. The way you look does give and pretty good indication of who you are and what you are like.
But ultimately it doesnt matter what people think of you and you should be doing it for you not to please other people

OK, I don't wear make up during a normal day. And nobody, not a single woman here or on any other discussion will convince me that putting makeup on is going to make me somehow feel better about myself, more confident, make me feel in control.

Makeup is just that. Paint for your face. Why on earth should I rely on painting my face to feel confident and in control? Do men feel like that? No.

I do my eyebrows though otherwise I look like Hulk on a bad day.

I don't like how a full face of makeup looks. Clean tidy hair, clean and relative stylish (but comfortable) clothes and maybe an eyelash tint is enough for most women to look great. None of those things take any longer than a shower and blowdry. I'd aim for that. Makeup is often counterproductive. Especially if your are tired of skin isn't perfect or didn't have time to do it very carefully. I keep seeing mums at school looking caked and I think they were just trying to be like their former selves but without the time or energy to make it work. Also, daylight dies terrible things to makeup that looks fine at night!!

Am in same boat. I want to look nice/female/vaguely attractive but am busy and knackered. My bare minimum is hair brushed, tied back and lip gloss. (That said I studied Beauty @ college) The key is to squeeze the time in x

I know how you feel. I used to do make up etc but I now only wear it if we go out out. I have several tops from H&M in different patterns but the same style which I wear with jeans over a long vest. Its essentially the same thing everyday.
For the child who has serious bedhair, if its long enough, plait it before bed so there is less to deal with in the morning. I tend to twist my hair upin a bun when I go to sleep. In the morning it can have a lovely wave, but if not, just ti in a pony tail or another bun and its done. I onlyever brush mine when it has conditioner on it otherwise it would be a huge ball of frizz

I remember the huge achievement of getting to my first baby clinic, with clean and fed child and myself showered, hair brushed and in clean clothes. Sat down next to a woman, who later developed into a good friend, who was elegantly kitted out in a cashmere ( cashmere !) jumper, with full make up, styled hair and immaculate manicure. Still have no idea how she managed it - no paid help, though a mother living near, but just an iron determination to do something that was important to her.

My way of dealing with it was to have a very organised wardrobe so that everything was mix and match with everything else, so I could just throw on stuff and look pulled together.

I wore a lot of dresses too as they’re very comfortable and form a complete outfit.

YANBU I might brush my hair (or tie it back) and put on mascara and lipstick, but that's it for the day for me. All of my mum friends are the same, work colleagues are a bit more covered in slap - foundation, concealer, blush, blah blah blah. I

But does everyone really want to look all dolled up? The older I get the more I wonder why the hell we all are expected to 'enhance' ourselves when men don't have to and look perfectly fine just clean and well dressed.

I only wear makeup now if I know I'm going out longer than doing the school run lol.

I always make sure I have 5-10 minutes to make myself feel human.. BB cream, concealer, eyebrows, powder and mascara. Hair in a ponytail. Takes 5 minutes for that.

If I have some time spare then I'll do eyeliner (my signature look is my wings) so I try make time for that. Takes 10 minutes to include eyeliner - unless I'm having a good day!

I tend to straighten my hair at night so it just needs a quick 2 minute run through before I leave.

My children are 6 and 4. DD is 4 and has knotty hair 3/4 way down her back. That takes 15 minutes to brush and style.

I'm due in just under 3 weeks so my routine may change quite a bit! But I will definitely stick to my 5 minute human look!
Eyeliner may have to wait until after the school run!

smallblondemama my partner isn’t going to leave me as he lives me more than I love or depend on him. Part of the mutual attraction. He is my rock and I am his world plus the kids. He is in awe of how I manage it all so no, he doesn’t need your sympathy. Without makeup and looking like death he still wants me. We love each other on a deeper level than appearances because we are best friends. Tough times, hard times, lean times and good times. We are a team. I love his brain and his character. He is imperfect but my God that man would die for me. That’s a gift I appreciate and love him for. He has seen me at my worst. He has seen 3 kids come out of my vagina and he has thanked me for the experience. A real man loves a partner unconditionally and he does. It has zero to do with my appearance. He knows I am doing the best I can with the resources and time available to keep his three kids at their best. The rest is extra.

Moving on, my hair is short and straight. I wash and style it in the evening and in the morning it looks like 17 rats made a nest in my hair. It’s inexplicable! I think I will have to get up before the kids (hello dawn) and jump in the bath/shower and sort myself out.

I am not a full makeup person. Mascara, lick of eyeliner above the lashes and lip balm is good enough for daytime. Hair is a problem. My MIL even bought me a GHD for Xmas. Think it was a kind hint.

I do shower daily! But can’t guarantee it is before the first school run. I can’t shower at night and be fresh in the morning because I am sweating a lot at night (peri menopause + new medication). It’s horrid.

Budget wise I am not going to lie. We are flat broke but I do like Barry M makeup which is cheap enough.

I always always always moisturise my face as my skin is super dry and yes dry skin looks old and haggard.

I don’t really pay attention to myself (look on the mirror etc) but have noticed I have black marks under my eyes! WTF! I need a decent concealer and used to get YSL but can’t afford that now.

Clothes wise I have classic pieces (not trendy but look good and fit me well) although they are a little old now and my wardrobe is limited due to budget. I am a size 10/12 but with huge hips so clothes that fit me well are hard to come by.

It’s hard to feel that you are invisible but I am very sociable and talk to everyone and everyone knows me. I just feel bad I look like sh*t when I represent my fabulous kids who are amazing little humans. This time is precious and we have a great relationship and as siblings they adore each other. I don’t want the old me back l, I just want people to look at me and go “she got this”.

YANBU. Don't me me wrong I'm the sort who won't take the bins out without a full face of make up and my hair prefect.
However I'd never judge other people. To be honest, I'm too wrapped up in myself in worry or even take a blind bit of notice

Could you grow your hair longer op? I find my long hair much easier to deal with than when I had short hair.
I'd go to bed a little earlier and shower, wash & style your hair in the morning. You could stick your make up on while the kids are eating breakfast?