BIL birthday - OTT?

[chorltonwheelies]

He’s 50 this year. Same week as my birthday and DD will be 7.

Family know we are skint. SIL has determined that a nice thing to do would be to buy him new Mont Blanc pen. Requiring £150 contribution from each of his 3 siblings.

That’s more than I can spend on DD present & she’s not having a party.

In addition BIL wants family lunch at swanky London hotel on the Saturday. It’s my birthday that day. I won’t be able to take DC & can’t afford an all day babysitter.

We have 5 DC & as I said on another thread, money is extremely tight. Family know this. Being put on spot to respond by Parents in law who are going to lunch but not contributing to pen. They are skint too.

Other siblings don’t have kids apart from BIL whose DS is Year 11 & able to come. AIBU to think this is inconsiderate/OTT.

They aren’t open to considering any other plan.

I think if you are struggling as a family for money it is madness for your DH to even entertain going for the lunch. There is no way of telling how much the final bill is going to be by the time you have factored starters, drinks, and BIL's share into the mix.

Your SIL sounds like a right piece of work. She knows her parents struggle with money, yet spent £3.5k on a dress . Then the pen?

You could almost be describing my IL's dynamic when it comes to birthdays and presents. Very extravagant, multiple celebrations, very showy. Tres tedious.

Can you ask your husband if he will really go and spend more money on this lunch than on his own daughter’s birthday? Would that make him think about it?

No way would I be accepting this. Even just going to the lunch is going to cost a lot of money, and at the expense of you and your dds birthday celebrations. I wouldn’t mind him celebrating with his db on his 50th, but not if it meant committing to that much money.

Do his family realise though how skint you are? If you have 5 kids and say you have space to put them up if they visit I’m guessing you have a pretty big house, and so I assume you or your dh, or both, have a fairly well paid job. They can’t appreciate your financial situation surely if they are assuming you can chip in £150 for a gift plus an expensive meal. Have you actually just come out and said you can’t afford it?

They know very well we are skint. We don’t have a big house but the DC can bunk up together to free up rooms. House comes with DH’s job which means his salary is much smaller. We don’t pay rent or a mortgage but do pay other bills like utilities etc.

OMG this gets worse!

Chorlton, I would seriously suggest you sit DH down and have a forthright conversation. If he goes to this meal - leaving out the pen - the cost will escalate out of control. Everyone splitting the bill means BIL will be ordering the most expensive thing on the menu along with champagne etc. 😱. Sorry but this is way more than you can reasonably afford and they bloody well know that! 😡

I worry that your DH - if he attends - will be put in a position where his "Share" works out to massively more than you had agreed in advance which will then, understandably, cause a huge argument at home and completely ruin the birthdays of both you and your DD.

Your relatives are not aspirational! They are what we would call twopenny millionaires. Trying to pretend they are something they are not! Pathetic!!

Personally, I would expect DH to put his foot down, say a resounding no to them and go off to Harvester with both you and your DC and have a lovely family celebration. No way will your DH enjoy the poncey meal at the Lanesborough as he will be sat there worrying how much it will all cost.

‘Site of the hospital he was born in’ - jesus, some people are so self important, who gives a shite about such things?

The pen is ludicrous. I might try to go to the lunch but if you’re skint, not much you can do.

This sounds nuts - put on the spot by PIL? Money demand + gift decision by SIL? Well then just buy BIL a present and a card, and leave them all to it. It's not as if you can afford the pen so they'll be displeased either way. You've got your own family birthdays to sort anyway.

Your DH can spend the morning with you and DD then go his brother's birthday lunch, and he'll be back later on won't he?

I wouldn't even be taking this on board, in your shoes. Hopefully you've not married into a 'welded to parents and siblings' scenario. They're always fraught with some sort of contrived family tension/demand or other

Oh and if your DH can't afford it then he shouldn't go to the lunch either. There's no point.

Basically none of them can afford this meal out and pen by the sound of it. Bonkers bonkers bonkers.

Idk what kind of relationship you have with your mil/fil. I know you hear about arrangements like this second hand. Can you reach out to them and say how concerned you are about this meal? That it’s literally taking food out of your mouths? You’re hardly going to not buy your dd a present because of this and if he goes you don’t know how you’ll pay your bills and buy your shopping.

Your dh is being bullied by his family. Perhaps they don’t really realise what they are doing or to what extent. This is your money as much as it is your dh’s and he is struggling to make the correct choice. You are entitled to voice opinions and concerns as well. Otherwise you then become the bullied wife.

What was the point of posting when you knew your DH would go and you’d do nothing about it? Just to rant?
Until you both stop being mugs and put your own children before ILs this will happen on repeat ad naseum.
As adults your choice. How will you feel when your children realise why they go without because of greedy in laws and weak parents?

Ridiculous spending that much on a pen (present) when you can't afford it too! Say no you'll get your own present for him, and do your own thing for your birthday! You need to feel special too :)

Completely at peace with my family size thanks!

Which one of my DC do you think I should have aborted?

I don’t give 2 hoots about not affording the finer things in life! We make certain choices, with the money we have and the kids are very happy & do have a normal life. When I was a child having a big class party every year was unheard of, as was foreign holidays. First time I got on a plane I was 19. These days everyone has got it in their heads that kids must be unbelievably spoiled.

Going for expensive meals or foreign holidays isn’t important to me, so think you must have me confused with someone else, but what is annoying is when money which could be spent on family luxuries/treats gets squandered and that me/DC are last in the pecking order. I am told that his family is my family but is certainly doesn’t feel like it. And I hate feeling like a miser over DH being the only member of the family who won’t contribute to the pen, as DH loves his brother. Not going to the meal isn’t an option for him, just as not going to the wedding wasn’t an option.

DH thinks birthday celebration OTT but doesn’t want to miss out on being with his family & siblings, just as he didn’t want to miss out on wedding abroad etc.

I’m not complaining about having lots of children or that money is tight but what I am complaining about is being made to feel guilty for having lots of children which makes it harder to participate in these types of gatherings.

DH won’t stand up to his family because his parents are getting on, he has a great relationship with his siblings and realises that in terms of family size & circumstances he is the odd one out.

My post was whether they were BU in terms of what they had arranged and the overwhelming feeling is yes so actually I am going to say something. Even if he does go. Because putting us in that position is incredibly thoughtless & entitled.

Oh and they won’t reciprocate for DH’s 50th in that way, either. SIL & BIL are very close & DH has always been seen as the weird odd one out, in terms of everything.

Oh and they won’t reciprocate for DH’s 50th in that way, either. SIL & BIL are very close & DH has always been seen as the weird odd one out, in terms of everything.

Frankly, they sound horrible! If you said this to your DH-would he agree? I presume they won’t be getting him an expensive pen!?

And before everyone asks how he can have a great relationship, I mean he gets on well with them.

He thinks the arrangements are unrealistic as opposed to unreasonable but would like to go out with the family for his brother’s 50th. When you couch it in those terms it isn’t unreasonable but it’s bloody unfortunate.

No he won’t be getting an expensive pen though they might club together & get something. I’ll be the one tasked with organising celebrations 😀

I've read the full thread.
Your husband is at fault here.
His siblings might be unrealistic and unreasonable etc but nobody else is going to care too much about your family finances- so he needs to.
He needs to speak up and if he won't and he shuts you down what else can you do?

I'm quite irrationally annoyed at your post.

Given your circumstances this imo should be a blanket no can't afford it. Your DH should be the one driving this. The fact that he's trying to facilitate some of it must mean that you're not that skint, because if you were you wouldn't physically have the money, unless of course you're taking the money from something else. Will this really impact the present that you buy your child for their birthday?

The fact that it's on your birthday and the fact that your inlaws joke about it being your birthday just makes me feel like they're being vindictive, especially as they know you can't afford it. Are they trying to organise things so that only your DH will go? Certainly seems like they don't want you there.

I'm baffled that either of you are trying to facilitate this. I get that it's his brother and he doesn't want to miss out on a special family gathering but what about your family? Imo the importance of your own families wellbeing comes before parties and luxuries.

I'm quite irrationally annoyed at your post.

Given your circumstances this imo should be a blanket no can't afford it. Your DH should be the one driving this. The fact that he's trying to facilitate some of it must mean that you're not that skint, because if you were you wouldn't physically have the money, unless of course you're taking the money from something else. Will this really impact the present that you buy your child for their birthday?

The fact that it's on your birthday and the fact that your inlaws joke about it being your birthday just makes me feel like they're being vindictive, especially as they know you can't afford it. Are they trying to organise things so that only your DH will go? Certainly seems like they don't want you there.

I'm baffled that either of you are trying to facilitate this. I get that it's his brother and he doesn't want to miss out on a special family gathering but what about your family? Imo the importance of your own families wellbeing comes before parties and luxuries.

@littletinyme1 that was thoroughly uncalled for. The OP is perfectly happy with what she and her family can afford so that really isn't an issue. My BIL and SIL have 5 DCs and she's been a SAHM for years, homeschooling her brood through primary school. It's not my cup of tea at all, I'm happy with my 2 adopted DDs, but each to their own.

Oh, and I do like having them all at family events because their 'little darlings' are our nieces and nephews and we love them all. They're also very well behaved, which in all probability the OPs' DCs are.

The only thing I would take issue with the OP with is the way they're allowing themselves to be bullied. I love the MN maxim that 'No' is a full sentence.

'What was the point of posting when you knew your DH would go and you’d do nothing about it? Just to rant?'

This. OP: AIBU? MN: No. OP: Oh, well, he's going to do it anyway and it's just not an option to do otherwise so we'll just be over here sucking it up.

This. OP: AIBU? MN: No. OP: Oh, well, he's going to do it anyway and it's just not an option to do otherwise so we'll just be over here sucking it up.

This sums up why I'm feeling irrationally annoyed. You say what's best for your family and then you won't do anything about it.

This. OP: AIBU? MN: No. OP: Oh, well, he's going to do it anyway and it's just not an option to do otherwise so we'll just be over here sucking it up.

This sums up why I'm feeling irrationally annoyed. You say what's best for your family and then you won't do anything about it.

This. OP: AIBU? MN: No. OP: Oh, well, he's going to do it anyway and it's just not an option to do otherwise so we'll just be over here sucking it up.

This sums up why I'm feeling irrationally annoyed. You say what's best for your family and then you won't do anything about it.

This. OP: AIBU? MN: No. OP: Oh, well, he's going to do it anyway and it's just not an option to do otherwise so we'll just be over here sucking it up.

This sums up why I'm feeling irrationally annoyed. You say what's best for your family and then you won't do anything about it.