BIL birthday - OTT?

[chorltonwheelies]

He’s 50 this year. Same week as my birthday and DD will be 7.

Family know we are skint. SIL has determined that a nice thing to do would be to buy him new Mont Blanc pen. Requiring £150 contribution from each of his 3 siblings.

That’s more than I can spend on DD present & she’s not having a party.

In addition BIL wants family lunch at swanky London hotel on the Saturday. It’s my birthday that day. I won’t be able to take DC & can’t afford an all day babysitter.

We have 5 DC & as I said on another thread, money is extremely tight. Family know this. Being put on spot to respond by Parents in law who are going to lunch but not contributing to pen. They are skint too.

Other siblings don’t have kids apart from BIL whose DS is Year 11 & able to come. AIBU to think this is inconsiderate/OTT.

They aren’t open to considering any other plan.

It would be difficult to budget for the meal if you attend the lunch. It's an expensive place, and if you're paying in for BIL as well you could be looking at spending £300 on lunch once you've factored in desserts / champagne / brandy, etc.

I won a Mont Blanc pen in a writing competition once.

Fucker never ever worked.

Leave 'em to it, OP. Let them have their aspirational lunch and present (bet he never even uses the pen). Have a lovely birthday and I hope your DD has a great day.

I think I’d draw the line here and say no you both can’t afford for him to go and consume £200 on lunch using family money, never mind the pen.

Remind him that DD is not having a party and is only having x spent on her.
Remind him that that you all were left out of the wedding trip and the other thing (party?).
Be factual as the facts speak for themself. Failing that, if a main course is £48, show him the wine list that he will be drinking from and paying for his brother. And with flashy wealthy siblings, you can just imagine that they will treat themselves on this special occasion - because they can afford it.
I wouldn’t necessarily mention your birthday as ‘big’ birthdays are a nice occasion to do something (but more along the lines of I’m 50 and loaded so I’ll pay for my family to come out on a birthday lunch).

I’m feeling sick on your behalf at the waste of money already and cross that although he ‘had’ to go to his siblings events, when do you get a fancy holiday. He has 5 DC as well

Wow, some people have no Idea of the value of money, for my 50th birthday we had a family meal in a posh local pub. My Dad and in-laws split the cost of the meal and drinks.

There was no expensive gift requested, but I did have enough money to buy a posh watch.

I’m sorry to say OP, that this is the type of dilemma that fuckers such as the daily m@il or the s#n publish as “journalism”.

Aside from that, if one wants a swanky milestone dinner, then the etiquette is to pay for your guests.

SIL & I have the same birthday. First year we were together DP went to his DStepsis birthday meal.

Following year he told me he was going out on my birthday to celebrate his step sister’s birthday again.
I told him if he felt he needed to spend every single birthday with his step sister instead of joining me and my dd’s for our traditional birthday meal as part of our family, maybe we shouldn’t be together.

I don’t feel the world revolves around me but one day a year spending time with my close immediate family to celebrate my birthday is important to me.

If it’s important to you to have your dh there to celebrate your birthday he should take you out. Not spend money he doesn’t have on a meal he doesn’t particularly want.

'He’s baulking at £150 for a present & paling over the meal which TBF, he’d like me to go to & have as my birthday treat too, if we could get childcare. He thinks I’ll appreciate the gourmet cuisine far more. He’d be happy at the Harvester. smile

We will try & sort it I think but we are saying no to the pen. He was thinking £50 tops for a milestone present and maybe £50 for the meal.'

The pair of you really need to grow a pair. Just stop this. Would you really enjoy spunking £200+ on a bloody meal? You are enabling this by capitulating to it. Are they expecting you all the 'chip in' for your BIL's share?

If £100 tops is what he is thinking, then why on Earth is he even thinking of agreeing to this meal when you both know it will be well above that?

'We cannot afford that. Sorry. We can't go to the meal or chip in for the pen.' And then send a card with £100 cheque and that's it.

I'd be insulted if my spouse told me to adjunct this meal and it would be my birthday treat without even consulting me or asking me what the hell I'd like and told me, 'But you'll like this,' mainly because I think swanky meals are an utter waste of money and would rather spend that kind of money on an activity with my husband and kids. I wouldn't enjoy a meal where I was mentally calculating the cost of every dish because it was straining the budget. I'd rather go to Harvester.

OP be prepared to see this picked up by the DM - they'd love it. :/

Dear Daily Mail. Get stuffed. And while you are at it employ some journalists who actually have a working knowledge of spelling and grammar.

I do not consent to this thread appearing in the Mail.

Yours sincerely

Chortling

Chorlton, even.

Fuckety fuck!!! Is there any way of stopping the Mail from publishing?

I was capitulating because otherwise I’ll get the emotional blackmail and be 100% in the wrong, along with the usual schtick about stopping him from seeing his family.

Because my family are a bit dysfunctional and I don’t see my sibling v often, then I’ve apparently got a skewed version of what is normal.

I just hate feeling like I am being the killjoy because regardless of what I say & whether I can get childcare, he’ll go. He always does. Because “of course I need to spend some time with my DB on his big birthday and the family get together so rarely”. And I am not going to leave him so it’s a case of putting up with it.

But I will go apeshit next time he tells me off about being extravagant and spending money we don’t have.

You do realise if SIL has DC everything will start revolving around them and your DC likely still exclude as being too old for stuff

I wrote a lengthy reply to you and it didn't post and somehow ended up deleted. I then summarised it (in frustration) and posted that but I don't think I've explained myself properly. (Though I have read the full thread, thank you, expat.)

Personally, I wouldn't go (but I'm not you) and I wouldn't help with the pen purchase - buying ink sounds like it could be a good alternative. I would send (or get dh to send) a nice 'thank you' message, stating very briefly that we wouldn't be able to make it but hope to see them all soon (if I meant that). I would also suggest a date for another get together, something which suits you and which you think they will like too. Doing so, lets them know that you do want to see them, you just can't do that other thing. I might also suggest skyping on the day (with kids) so that you can all celebrate both birthdays together, albeit in a smaller way.

My suggestion about maybe trying to change the way you see this, is for you, not them. Feeling resentful about it all doesn't help you at all and won't get you anywhere. They've clearly got different priorities to you and that's fine. Let them be different! At least they've invited you, which is better than not being invited (in my book, anyway). Imo, your job is to live your life, your way (which is what they seem to be doing), not to fit into theirs at any cost.

Hope I've made more sense this time round. Good luck with it all.

Ugh! Just seen your update that dh is probably going anyway etc. In that case, I would think about getting him to agree costs before going and arrange something really nice for yourself. (Lemons... lemonade... etc.)

If he has £200+ to spend on a meal with his family, then you have money to do something for your birthday with birthday child. Tell him what you intend you do with dd whilst he's at the meal and ask him how both are going to be funded.

My post. As for your DH, I’d tell him if he goes, it’s a deal breaker

[Witcheshatrim]. Imo that is OTT unless you are actually going to leave him for it

I would. He prioritises his siblings over his wife and children constantly. Their skint, he’s going to be spending £300 minimum, they don’t have, on his brother. Meanwhile his wife & DD can make do with feck all for their birthdays & no party for a 7yo, because they can afford it.

Damn straight I’d be leaving someone who thought so little of his own family.

Well if he wants to spend time with his db on his birthday. That’s great. It’s the day before. He can go to visit him on his actual birthday with your blessing.

So your DH is going to go then? Even though he knows you cant afford it?

I’ve got mixed opinions and a couple of questions.

I’d def disagree to the pen, especially if his mum and dad also feel it’s too much for them. I’m sure he’ll love whatever you decide to get him and it’s not up to sil what you get him.

Are you sure he wants you to pay for your own meal? It’s his birthday and he had invited you all so this is his party so I’d assume he will probably pay, unless he’s said otherwise. He def shouldn’t expect his meal to be paid for (and if they want to pay his surely yours should be a gift too!). Different if you had all suggested it but he did.

I think he can’t really change the date. It’s unfortunate it’s your bday but it’s the day after his and it would likely be unsuitable to have his if it’s a working day. Surely this will only happen once as it’s a big one. You could treat the following day or weekend as your special day. But I know it must feel a little unfair.

(One question then - can’t count 😀)

Because my family are a bit dysfunctional and I don’t see my sibling v often, then I’ve apparently got a skewed version of what is normal.

Says who?

Your sil seems horribly entitled, but that wouldn’t be a problem if your DH told her to get stuffed and that you don’t have that kind of money and wouldn’t be spending your birthday without you. Your DH seems unlikely to do that so your problem is really with him.

You say that you’ll get cross the next time he tells you off for being extravagant, but why don’t you just get cross now??

I agree , no need to chip in for the pen. Just say you are sorry but it is out of your price range although it looks lovely.
The bit I am muddled about is why you are expecting to have to pay for the meal? Usually the hosts who are choosing the venue/ doing the inviting etc pay for the meal , particularly for big birthdays. I think it is very odd behaviour to be inviting you to spend your money.
As far as DH and your birthday is concerned, I wouldn't mind if there was a big occasion that DH wanted to go to on my birthday.
I think your in laws are very thoughtless

Oh please.

I think the ILS are chipping in for the pen. We were being pressured to respond to SIL about it this morning.

AFAIK bill for meal is being split. But then I’m never included in any discussions. I get told after the event.