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Original poster

Stepdaughter coming to live with us and finances

97 replies

meme70 · 19/03/2018 08:25

My SD is 11 her Mum is on drugs again so obviously she has to live with us my husband hasn’t mentioned giving me any money to help keep her it will cost £50 a week and I’m on a tight budget anyway
She has packed lunches he won’t give her dinner money - she’s always charging her phone iPad watching TV she doesn’t go out much with friends and obviously there’s washing gas electric etc breakfasts dinners toiletries etc
I can’t find £200 a month and I will be doing 90% of her care and DH has not mentioned about extra money it will
Cost as he’s tight with money
My 2 eldest live at home and I put in £600 a month for them.

Her BM has her child benefit child tax credits and this has been an in off thungvas her mother’s addictions so won’t be paying child support

I hate sounding unreasonable but I simply can’t find another £200 a month to provide for DH child and he shouldn’t put me in the location to have to ask
What should I do ?

OP posts:
shesakeeper · 19/03/2018 08:26

I'm at a loss as to why you have to 'put in' money for your own kids, let alone DSD. Get a joint account.

crimsonlake · 19/03/2018 08:27

I am confused as to why you seem to be footing the bill for everything in the home, what does he contribute?

sparklepops123 · 19/03/2018 08:28

Her mother needs to sign over child benefit etc, you need to talk to your dh about it, he can’t expect you to take all responsibility for her

CapnHaddock · 19/03/2018 08:29

You're married. Your husband's money is your money. Does he earn anything?

what do you mean you 'put £600 in' for your children? What does he contribute?

PaperdollCartoon · 19/03/2018 08:29

This doesn’t make sense, if he’s your husband and you’re all living in one home aren’t finances shared? Why would either of you be giving the other money?

Shedmicehugh1 · 19/03/2018 08:30

You pay for your own children? Rather than jointly?

Even if have separate accounts, do you not split costs down the middle?

LagunaBubbles · 19/03/2018 08:30

What should you do? Speak to your DH of course! It doesnt sound as if things are great financially anyway at the moment for you, why do you put up with this?

Original poster
meme70 · 19/03/2018 08:31

We split the out going’s he earns a lot more than I do but he’s paying for our house to be built on land we brought I paid 60% land he paid 40% but he’s paying the whole house build so I can’t expect him to pay more towards the household than 50%
But SD is going to be here 7 nights a week I have no more money to provide everything for her I already do all her care and I think he should be coming forward with asking how much extra do I need but won’t

OP posts:
NeeChee · 19/03/2018 08:31

Why does the £50 fall on you? Does he not work?
Some schools operate an account system for school dinners if he doesn't want to give her cash. Does her school offer this?

User24689 · 19/03/2018 08:31

How have you calculated that she "costs" 50 quid a week? And why are you paying for this and doing 90% of her care? Poor little girl sounds like she is having a tough time and it doesn't sound like she's going to be welcomed with open arms at her dad's place :(

ghostyslovesheets · 19/03/2018 08:31

you can claim CB etc for her (well he dad can) because she is living with you

but more importantly wtf are you doing letting him get away with being a tight fisted twat - don't pay for anything - it's not just your responsibility - he sounds awful

Isthisnameacceptable01 · 19/03/2018 08:32

This is your Dh you are talking about not some random stranger. Your financial set up sounds odd. Who pays the mortgage, bills, food etc? Do you both work?

Why do you feel you cannot sit down and discuss it with him?

Shedmicehugh1 · 19/03/2018 08:33

If you split the outgoings, why doesn’t that include expenses for the children?

EllieMe · 19/03/2018 08:34

Just tell him you need extra money to support his child. If he won't give you any ask him where she will be living then.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2018 08:34

Your husband needs to apply for the benefits in his name, even if you won't qualify for tax credits it needs to be in his name if he's having custody.

I assume you and DH put money into a central pot that you're responsible for and you pay 3/4's, because there's you and two kids?
If that works for you that's fine - DH, as you know I put in £200 per month to cover the cost of my kids, can you make sure you put an the extra 200 for DSD.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 19/03/2018 08:35

You can't magic money out of thin air.
Don't ask us.
Ask him. No, tell him.

This poor child has has a crap life, she needs her father to step up and pay for her so that her stepmother doesn't resent her presence

ShatnersWig · 19/03/2018 08:36

I'm confused OP. A month ago you had another thread about your SD in which you said she lived with you three days a week as it is. You were advised to go for residency of your SD (along with your DH of course) but said

We won’t get residency the mother won’t allow it and to get it you need a huge amount evidence the mother is unfit we tried last year. The mother fought it and they usually side with mums unless chronic drug users and neglecting children

If the courts side with mums unless they are chronic drug users, why did they side with this mum who is.... a drug user?

Whatevszz · 19/03/2018 08:36

I don't think you should begrudge an uprooted child some iPad charging.

mimibunz · 19/03/2018 08:36

How can an 11 year old 'cost' £200 a month just to breathe? You sound resentful. Anyway, how does your husband contribute?

Original poster
meme70 · 19/03/2018 08:37

It’s noyhung to do with being made welcome
Food gas elec water etc doesn’t grow on trees it has to be found and provided
I don’t feel guilty I’m doing her mother’s job she has a lot hekpmlast year to get off drink and drugs and she was told she’d lose her children if she didn’t but as soon as social services said she was okay she obviously went back on it
BM screamed abuse at me in the phone yesterday told me to do her job !! I don’t see caring for my children as a job

I shouldn’t have to ask him for money

We split all bills 50/50 I pay more in as I have 2 children here

Yes wee are self employed

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2018 08:38

Just saw your first update.

If he's got disposable income and you're putting every penny you have into the bills pot you absolutely can ask him to pay more than 50%.

InDubiousBattle · 19/03/2018 08:38

By far the easiest thing to do would be to stop this 'I put in £600, he pays 40%, his dc costs me £50' nonsense. Get a joint account, put your salaries into it, take your families expensed out of it, whatever is left goes into savings or the house build. Get the cb for your ds.

Original poster
meme70 · 19/03/2018 08:38

Food
Gas
Electric
Water
Toiltrees
Are these free ?

How am I resentful why should I be paying for his child when I can’t affors to but he can ?
Why am I made out to be bad when I am doing her parents job stepping up for a drug addict

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 19/03/2018 08:40

Why aren’t your finances joint?

But as it is what it is then he does need to step up. But you have to have a calm grown up conversation with him about it.

Child benefit needs to be swapped over. That will provide some relief financially.

He needs to either provide her with dinner money or make the packed lunch himself.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2018 08:41

Just saw your new update.

TELL HIM HE NEEDS TO PUT MORE INTO THE POT

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