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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stepdaughter coming to live with us and finances

97 replies

meme70 · 19/03/2018 08:25

My SD is 11 her Mum is on drugs again so obviously she has to live with us my husband hasn’t mentioned giving me any money to help keep her it will cost £50 a week and I’m on a tight budget anyway
She has packed lunches he won’t give her dinner money - she’s always charging her phone iPad watching TV she doesn’t go out much with friends and obviously there’s washing gas electric etc breakfasts dinners toiletries etc
I can’t find £200 a month and I will be doing 90% of her care and DH has not mentioned about extra money it will
Cost as he’s tight with money
My 2 eldest live at home and I put in £600 a month for them.

Her BM has her child benefit child tax credits and this has been an in off thungvas her mother’s addictions so won’t be paying child support

I hate sounding unreasonable but I simply can’t find another £200 a month to provide for DH child and he shouldn’t put me in the location to have to ask
What should I do ?

OP posts:

jaseyraex · 19/03/2018 10:34

You simply have to tell your DH that you need more money to cover DSD. Whether you feel you shouldn't have to ask or not, he clearly sees no problem and he's not a mind reader so you have to talk to him! Put all your money in to the one pot and once all the monthly expenses are accounted for, including the new expenses for DSD, with what's left you have money for building the new house. Surely it's irrelevant if it's your money or his money? You're married, everything you own belongs to both of you anyway. Your set up isn't fair and that's what you need to be talking to your DH about.

19lottie82 · 19/03/2018 10:35

you can claim CB etc for her (well he dad can) because she is living with you

Easier said than done if the other parent is already claiming and doesn’t want to hand The benefits willingly (which I’m
Guessing a drug addict won’t!). The OPs DP willneed to submit a counter claim, along with evidence that the daughter now lives with them. It’s a very timely process.

nellieellie · 19/03/2018 10:46

The trouble with this OP is that you seem to have an odd financial set up, with separate bank accounts and then complicated ways of working out who pays for what. I would have thought, if you get married /live together, you pool resources? Even if you want to keep own accounts, at least create a joint account for all expenses. I don’t see why you should pay for your children and him for his when really Id have thought you both pay equally for children of the family. If, though it is a case of you having to pay for your kids, then I understand why you’d feel aggrieved that you’re having to pay for his as well.

gillybeanz · 19/03/2018 10:51

I don't understand why you have to ask for money when you are married and everything is joint money
He will need to focus on looking after his child and providing money and childcare for her himself, she isn't your child.
Yes, he should provide school dinners or packed lunch.

Your husband sounds terrible, what a twat, and poor child what awful parents.
I'm not sure anyone can help you when you are with such a wanker.

Notonthestairs · 19/03/2018 10:54

So on the one hand he's savvy enough to make sure you pay extra in the fictional pot because there are three of "you". And on the other he's pretending that having another teen in the house wont cost any more/not mentioning change in circumstances it in the hope you'll stump up.

Ask him for the money. Dont take no for an answer.

And FGS combine your salaries - you'll find life a lot easier and he might actually appreciate you more. You dont have to settle for being treated shittily you know.

Eliza9917 · 19/03/2018 10:54

Whatever happened to being/living as a family.

Sad times.

Excited101 · 19/03/2018 11:04

This makes absolutely no sense. I'm not sure why you're stressing out! It's not your 'problem' to fix and it's a non issue. Finanaces need reorganising, that's literally it. It's something for you and your DP to do together. That's it.

Snowmagedon · 19/03/2018 11:21

Op it sounds like you have been doing an amazing job in very hard circumstances.
From what I can garner, your dh is the issue here. I agree with others over strange money set up.

This little girl is very lucky to have you.

YetAnotherNC2017 · 19/03/2018 12:09

Not really sure why you’re getting such a bashing, tbh.

Agree with PPs - finances should be merged or your DH needs to pay extra.

Child benefit needs to be signed over, although it’ll be peanuts if you have multiple DC.

I’m assuming your DH wasn’t paying maintenance. If he was, it needs to now go to you.

And SDs mum also needs to pay you maintenance.

My step DC also have a deadbeat mum who only sees them when she can be arsed and has never paid a penny in maintenance in the 10 years we’ve been together. So I sympathise. But we have joint finances to cope with it all (and my DH earns far more than I do!)

Lizzie48 · 19/03/2018 12:18

And SDs mum also needs to pay you maintenance.

She should, of course, but as she's a drug addict, sadly that's never going to happen.

Booboobooboo84 · 19/03/2018 14:37

I urge you to push for maintenance even if she never pays. Women should be held as financially responsible as men

Beetlejizz · 19/03/2018 16:11

It's not difficult to submit a counter claim for CB, just takes a while for a decision. But all the more reason to do it asap. £13 a week isn't going to cover all her costs, but you can buy a fair amount of food with that.

Softkitty2 · 19/03/2018 16:35

Maybe this thread could have been avoided altogether if you actually asked your husband first for more money rather than moan on here.

OP you do sound very emotionally detached from your sd and seeing her as an expense and inconvenience.

Lizzie48 · 19/03/2018 17:02

I get the same impression, @Softkitty2 breaks my heart to think of what her DSD must have been through already and the anxiety she will be feeling. She's going to need so much support, and will probably start acting up as a result. I bet there'll be a new thread, 'how do I cope with my stepdaughter's behaviour?'

Lovemusic33 · 19/03/2018 17:24

So at the moment you pay 50/50 on all bills for the house? So technically he’s paying towards your children?

You will be entitled to CB for your dsd. For thoughs who are saying you will get maintenance from her mother? I doubt it very much, the mother is on drugs, probably not working? So would not have to pay maintenance?

I’m sure one extra child is not going to cost that much extra a week, your already cooking for 2 other children, one extra portion isn’t much, extra gas and electric won’t be a fortune. You dh will have to find money for clothing, trips, days out etc..

BrendasUmbrella · 19/03/2018 20:08

Well, can you just stop giving him so much for your dc's? If two kids equals £600 a month just cut that in half, then you can afford her.

bridgetreilly · 19/03/2018 20:21

I agree that you shouldn't have to ask for money but if he doesn't offer then you will have to. And if I were you I would make it very clear that you aren't happy about having had to ask him. She's his daughter, he can't possibly think that it costs nothing extra to feed/house/clothe her. Of course he needs to pay for that and if you are the person who will be paying all the relevant bills, he needs to give you the money.

smurfit · 19/03/2018 20:22

You need to sit him down and work out a new budget based on the changing living arrangements. It doesn't need to be a 'you need to pay more' statement but I think it would all become clear once it's all worked out.

Clearly there's an imbalance in the financial relationship and while it seems many are fixated on their perception you don't want the girl, it's clearly not about that at all. Of course another child in the home is going to be a financial burden and it's entirely reasonable to have a discussion about how it effects the family.

MaureenSowerbutts · 19/03/2018 20:29

I don't understand why people post about such issues before even discussing it with their partners. This might be very easily solved if you did just that.

Whatever the outcome though when you have stepchildren you have to do for them as you would for your own. I have two step sons. They are my husband's children and are entitled to exactly the same as our dds, be that money, time or support.

She sounds like she's having a rotten time and hopefully you can all make it work.

CheeseyToast · 22/03/2018 19:31

How are you getting on OP?

Fruitcocktail6 · 22/03/2018 19:41

This situation is so bizarre and so poorly managed that the poor child has been reduced to a cost per week. Of course your husband should be paying more towards the care of his daughter, what did you expect us all to say?

Bundlesmads · 22/03/2018 19:47

Hmmm. This is interesting. There was a thread on here the other day from a woman who was objecting to her DP spending money on food. She was told that as he had kids he should be paying way more than 50%. Turn it round to the woman being the one with the kids at home and suddenly MN is all in favour of the non-parent paying over the odds.

Such hypocrisy on here sometimes.

But, yes, OP, you need to tell him he needs to give you more money if DSD is with you full time.

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