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Original poster

Stepdaughter coming to live with us and finances

97 replies

meme70 · 19/03/2018 08:25

My SD is 11 her Mum is on drugs again so obviously she has to live with us my husband hasn’t mentioned giving me any money to help keep her it will cost £50 a week and I’m on a tight budget anyway
She has packed lunches he won’t give her dinner money - she’s always charging her phone iPad watching TV she doesn’t go out much with friends and obviously there’s washing gas electric etc breakfasts dinners toiletries etc
I can’t find £200 a month and I will be doing 90% of her care and DH has not mentioned about extra money it will
Cost as he’s tight with money
My 2 eldest live at home and I put in £600 a month for them.

Her BM has her child benefit child tax credits and this has been an in off thungvas her mother’s addictions so won’t be paying child support

I hate sounding unreasonable but I simply can’t find another £200 a month to provide for DH child and he shouldn’t put me in the location to have to ask
What should I do ?

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 19/03/2018 08:42

Nobody said you are bad, but her dad needs to step up and support her financially

SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2018 08:44

Food
Gas
Electric
Water
Toiltrees
Are these free

Water - you in a meter I assume?
Power - it will only go up marginally, you're already heating and lighting it
Food and Toiletries - obvs a bog cost, but do you really pay say 150 pm on these for your own kids?

Use this as a chance to review what you put in for all three kids,I reckon you could pay less for your two too then he puts in the same for his child

Booboobooboo84 · 19/03/2018 08:45

I certainly don’t think your being bad about this. Your clearly frustrated. But he isn’t psychic. You do have to say look your dd is welcome here but I don’t want her to go without in any way, shape or form. So currently I pay in £400 for my two. Will you pay in At least £200 if not more. I would say more if she has been neglected due to her mothers drug use. She may need more clothes,toiletries etc to almost catch her up to the standard of living she should be used to

ShatnersWig · 19/03/2018 08:46

OP You've had quite a lot of threads in the last few weeks about your SD. I've just gone back and read the rest. You don't have a SD problem. You don't have an ex wife problem. You have a husband problem. He's an arse.

RunMummyRun68 · 19/03/2018 08:49

What's happened to the child maintenance he must have been paying previously

Can't he just transfer it into your bank instead of her mums now?

WashingMatilda · 19/03/2018 08:50

Huh??

No one's making you out to be bad for taking the poor child in, although as a stepmum to four and none of my own I fail to see why wouldn't given the horrible circumstances, what posters are confused about is why you're asking us how you will afford it and not asking your DH.

He earns more than you. The ultimate financial responsibility for his child falls to him, but you need to communicate to him everything you have to us and get a plan in place.

Poor bloody kid. Sad

Theworldisfullofidiots · 19/03/2018 08:51

Just tell him.

You are annoyed that he's not offering and you'll be annoyed once she's with you and he doesn't give. Either way you'll be annoyed.
If you want him to contribute for his child tell him.
The only way you'll get your outcome is asking him.
Stop festering.

Shedmicehugh1 · 19/03/2018 08:53

Child maintenance is a good point.

He must have paid for his DD, so is no longer paying. I assume other 2 are yours and not his, doesn’t their father pay CM?

ShatnersWig · 19/03/2018 08:53

There are others, but here are the two I think are most relevant of the last few threads the OP has recently posted.

OP 4 March:

I have been helping bring my 11 year stepdaughter up for 5 years
I brought all her clothes I did all her washing
I got all her school uniform washed ironed it weekly as needed
I clothes her
Was there for her
Watched her son as her mother neglected her
Listened when her mother said she didn’t want to see her

OP 8 March:

Okay I have a stepchild 11 been in her life 5 years
Gradually over the years my husband expects me to do everything for her. Our house is damp we are hoping to move this year so as stepdaughter has lung problems she’s had to sleep at her mums but is still with us 3 days a week it’s usually 3 days and nights last year for a while was 7 days and nights a week then 4.

Husband told me his daughter will be back to sleeping at our house end of the month and he won’t have time to care for her , I said then surely she shouldn’t be here more if you haven’t time for her?

So I do all her washing cooking cleaning up everything.

I said well I’m not doing it all anymore it’s unfair and he replied well I’ll try and make time. I know he won’t so what’s going to happen ? I’ll be expected to carry on doing everything in the house work and all her care- I have 2 children at home 18 and 13.

Titaniumpins · 19/03/2018 08:55

Yeah I think you might be. You say he hasn't mentioned giving you money but have you asked him and explained that you will need a little extra. I don't see how you have worked out £50 a week obviously there will be additional costs but thats a rather accurate figure. Is she using more gas/elec/eaer than your other 2 kids. Anyway bottom line is if you cannot afford to provide lunch, toileteries etc for SD then you need to have a word with DH. It sounds to me like you feel unappreciated and resentful of the situation understandbly I'm sure rather than you can't afford her.

Ihatemyclients · 19/03/2018 08:55

It sounds like you really haven't found a sensible solution for how you manage your finances as a team if there is this much resentment about it.

I don't understand why you can't just have a straightforward conversation where you say to him 'we need to reconsider how we split bills because I can't afford to pay for an additional child out of my wages'. It's nothing to do with whose daughter she is or how much electricity she will use. It's simply the fact that you are a joint household and you need to ensure that bills are paid - if that means he has to contribute more, so be it.

If you can't have that conversation I don't know what to say as it suggests you aren't really a team.

Titaniumpins · 19/03/2018 08:57

just saw the OP re your other posts. I go back to the last bit of my post.

Shedmicehugh1 · 19/03/2018 09:01

I’m still confused by the finances.

You say you pay 50/50 on all household bills? But you pay more because you have 2 children? So not 50/50? Do you get child maintenance from the father? Is that why you pay more?

CheeseyToast · 19/03/2018 09:01

Gosh that sounds difficult for you. I'm afraid your husband is coming across very poorly here. It sounds as though he is able to provide for his child but is refusing to, is that right?

You obviously do a lot for your stepdaughter and it's a bit of a relief to know that someone is looking out for her because it doesn't appear that her mother or father are too bothered about her wellbeing.

I think you deserve a lot of credit for what you e done for your SD so far, but this situation is unhealthy because she really really needs good care and you sound as though you're at your wits end.

Please try talking to your husband about all this. The situation is absurd and it's so unnecessary for you to be feeling so anxious when he has the means to provide.

I feel sad for you, your kids and his daughter that he's so tight.

EdmundCleverClogs · 19/03/2018 09:02

I never understand posters who come back time after time with the same issue, yet never take on board the advice given. It has been pointed out to you goodness knows how many times that your problem is with your husband, yet here you are again op. Genuinely, what different advice are you looking for this time? Are you expecting one of MN to turn up and tell your husband to get a grip and be responsible for his daughter? Oh, and unless there’s another ‘issue’, maybe your adult child could also start contributing to household funds, if things are that tight.

Lunde · 19/03/2018 09:02

It sounds like you need to have a new talk around finances now that SD is moving in.

If you are "putting in" £600 for your 2 kids -is it not logical that he would "put in" £300 for sd to make it fair?

How much did dh pay in child support? Surely he should be contributing at least the amount he was paying to her mother to your household budget for her care? Plus he needs to claim child benefit for sd

SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2018 09:03

At 18 they may still be in secondary chool, why should they pay rent to run a household when the parent won't pay for his own child?

makingmiracles · 19/03/2018 09:08

Errr no, if the mother wants her back with her father, she needs to hand over her birth certificate so he can claim child benefit for her and child tax credits, those alone should be plenty to cover the extra cost of her living wth you. If she’s not prepared to do that, he should refuse to have her back until she hands it over. Why on earth should she shirk her responsibility yet carry on receiving benefits for the child!

Allthewaves · 19/03/2018 09:10

Surely you should be sitting down together, work out every single out going/bill then how much you both earn. Then whatever money's left is family pot

KC225 · 19/03/2018 09:11

Show him this thread. Let him read what the others think.

Reduce your input into the pot. Put in 400 instead of the 600 you are putting in now. Make HIM feel the pinch NOT the kids, especially the SD.

LakieLady · 19/03/2018 09:12

How can an 11 year old 'cost' £200 a month just to breathe?

If only they "just" breathed!

They eat you out of house and home, use gas/electricity, have mobiles that need topping up or contract paying and girls get through shedloads of toiletries and often need sanpro. And that's assuming her dad will pay for her clothes, fares, school lunches, school trips and haircuts, which he probably won't, as OP says he's tight. Things like family trips out and holidays will cost proportionately more, too.

OP, if you put in £600 pcm for your two, he needs to put in £300 pcm for his daughter. I don't see how he can quibble with that.

He can claim child benefit for her and the presence of a 3rd child in the household full-time might mean you now qualify for tax credits. You need to get the child benefit switched first though.

Dozer · 19/03/2018 09:14

The poor teen - addict mother and tightwad father Sad

MerryDeath · 19/03/2018 09:15

why is this so complicated. you are a couple, you own a house, you are responsible for children. you share your money.

Tweetiepie1000 · 19/03/2018 09:16

Well obviously your DH will have to put some money in the ‘pot’ for his child.
I don’t understand why that’s difficult? Just tell him he needs to put in x amount and job done.

If he won’t then you stop paying for anything and just put in your 50% minus your kids costs and pay for your children, your costs and anything other than the 50% costs of house out of your money.

I think the financial agreement between you and your DH is overly messy and very unfair, but that’s not what you asked.

rocketgirl22 · 19/03/2018 09:18

You simply need a joint account and everyone pays into it, inc those that earn more (what difference does it make everything you both own is owned by both of you) and just pay all the bills.

I would imagine your sd will need some support both emotionally and with settling in. Your dh needs to take a week off to help her move in, make her welcome and make sure she is settled.

How old is she?

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