Stepdaughter coming to live with us and finances

[meme70]

My SD is 11 her Mum is on drugs again so obviously she has to live with us my husband hasn’t mentioned giving me any money to help keep her it will cost £50 a week and I’m on a tight budget anyway
She has packed lunches he won’t give her dinner money - she’s always charging her phone iPad watching TV she doesn’t go out much with friends and obviously there’s washing gas electric etc breakfasts dinners toiletries etc
I can’t find £200 a month and I will be doing 90% of her care and DH has not mentioned about extra money it will
Cost as he’s tight with money
My 2 eldest live at home and I put in £600 a month for them.

Her BM has her child benefit child tax credits and this has been an in off thungvas her mother’s addictions so won’t be paying child support

I hate sounding unreasonable but I simply can’t find another £200 a month to provide for DH child and he shouldn’t put me in the location to have to ask
What should I do ?

I think the real problem here is how you both handle finances. It doesn’t make sense! You sound like lodgers not a couple!

You need to sort this out with him before SD comes to stay with you because she shouldn’t have to hear you two discussing this... poor kid.

Yes, he needs to pay more but have you tried talking to him about it? Yes, he should do it without asking, but he hasn’t, so you need to tell him! Maybe do a complete overhaul of your finances while you’re at it.

I have read quite a few of your posts. He has got you into such a spin that somehow him doing more the house build removes responsibilities in other areas.

IT DOESNT. The house build has nothing to do with it. You should be a team and a partnership with money equally split.

He is selfish and financially controlling who somehow makes you feel that you owe him for all the stuff he does - when he actually does not do anything at all

This is so heartbreaking for your DSD, mother addicted to drugs and father tight-fisted. You should definitely get the CB transferred to your DH and he won't be paying child support anymore, or shouldn't be. As SS have been involved, there is presumably still a SW involved here? They are there to offer help and advice and in your case they will want it to work out well.

Good luck.

Ok I’ve read the previous posts that have been put on here, though I don’t really agree with pulling bits of out of past posts but that’s a whole different AIBU.

Your clearly overwhelmed and worried about the amount of work. You have three children in the house 11,13 and 18. Time for them to get chores. They are all more than capable of getting their clothes to the basket. Depending on where they are in life if the 18 yo is still in school/in a suitable role. He can be response for the white wash of shirts and the ironing of all uniform. The 13 year old can take care of washing uniform bits. The 11 year can be in charge of sports kit. So that’s a vast chunk of your time reclaimed. They need to clear up after themselves. Their rooms can be kept how they like as long as they are sanitary. Load the dishwasher/wash the dishes can be put on a rota. The 13 year old and 18 year old can cook one night a week, the 11 year old can make their own pack up. 18 year old can also take care of the garden or cars depending on where their skills lies. And trust me your in for a stressful few weeks while they get their work up to standard but it’s worth it to raise independent children. It also gives you your time back.

You don't put in 50/50 if one of you earns significantly more than the other. The high earner doesn't leave their family living in poverty.

This is a really fucked up situation, especially for this poor child being passed around like an unwanted parcel

@shatnerswig that’s enough now. If you doubt the op there’s a button for that. Stop stalking past threads and making someone who clearly feels shitty feel shittier

What a ridiculous situation op!

How old is your sd and own dc?

Any child older than 10 and in good health can easily and willingly learn how to put their clothes in a washing machine, turn it on, hang out and fold away clothes themselves if you go about it in a positive way.

As well as help keep the house clean and tidy, do some help with cooking meals etc. You don't have to be a martyr.

The fact you have put 60% of your £ into land part owned is ridiculous while you are expected to contribute 50% to household costs!

You need to see a solicitor for starters.

If your selfish dp is expecting you to do the grunt work for free then calculate the cost of a cook, housekeeper, childminder and babysitter and factor all that in when coming up to a more suitable £ contribution from him or else divide up the day to day gruntwork/childcare so that you have more time for yourself either to have some spare time for hobbies or earn.

The reason you have been taken for a mug so far is because you have let him.

For goodness sake take back some control in your life and be as warm and loving as you can to your poor sd but make sure you give your dp plenty of bonding time with her as he cannot expect you to take over his role of looking after her!!

Stop being a doormat. If you are one it's because you are allowing him to treat you like one. No one respects a doormat.

I will give the same advice over and over again if needed because sometimes that’s what people needs. Not everyone takes good advice the first time. Not everyone tells the truth re number of kids so they can’t be identified in real life. They don’t need hounding by a keyboard warrior.

Booboo And often - and I've seen it many times on MN as I've been here 7 years - it's actually re-reading your own words that gets you to wake up and smell the coffee, rather than listening to other people.

If the OP is feeling shitty, there is a solution. It's the solution everyone has been telling her for the last two months. Stop being a fucking mug and ENABLING this situation to continue. It's time for a full and frank conversation about finances with her dick of a husband before she starts to resent the poor SD any further who is totally blameless in all this, getting pulled from pillar to post, and is getting more and more damaged. And not just by the mother either.

If you have to ask your husband for money to take care of his own child rather than it being a given I’d say you have bigger problems than a presumably troubled 11 year old who’s just been taken from her mum.

As an aside I don’t know if your bills will go up that much with 1 extra child added in. Food maybe but not water, heating or electric.

I agree with booboo, there could be numerous reasons someone has not been able to take on board advice and maybe needs it explained in a different way.

My heart goes out to your poor DSD. I hope she doesn't hear you and her father arguing about how much she costs.

YANBU
Firstly, the BM shouldn’t be getting the child benefits if the child isn’t living with her. Your DH must get that sorted.
Secondly, yes you should expect extra money to pay for her needs
Lastly, you don’t have to take responsibility for a child if you don’t want to. You said you will be 90% responsible for her care. You know you don’t have to do that? You can say no you don’t want her. You have a right to what you want out of life too. I certainly wouldn’t take on somebody else’s child. Not everybody can or should be forced to do that. Have you considered moving out with your DC and just letting your DH sort out his own responsibilities. It sounds like it’s all falling to you and no wonder you aren’t happy about it

You can say no you don’t want her.

Seriously, what is wrong with some people on here! Perhaps this whole situation could have been avoided if her husband had said that about the OPs children from the start - ‘I don’t want your kids, so maybe sort something else out for them or we’re done’. The father should absolutely take responsibility for his child, but to suggest she’s not wanted in their home full time is disgusting. If the OP’s children get to live in (what I presume to be) a stable, safe home, why shouldn’t the step-daughter have the same opportunity. Obviously the op has issues with her husband, but they also seem to have no intention of doing anything about it bar moan on here. That’s not the stepdaughter’s problem in the slightest.

When my Step Daughter moved in with me and her Dad (now my ExH) I just claimed child benefit and tax credits and he stopped paying maintenance to her mum. That covered any extra expenses, I am pretty sure of it.

We did have a joint account though, which made it very much simpler.

Well you shouldn't have to ask him to stump up the money for her but he's obviously not going to offer so you will have to tell him. Otherwise you'll just end up feeling increasingly resentful.

Just ask him for £300 pcm!

I hate the idea of shared finances, i'd never combine my wages with anyone, ever, so no bashing from me about that.

Ok, so I suspect the perceived imbalance stems originally from the fact that you have dc, which are not your dh's, which he already contributes towards. I think a large part of the problem is how you're both treating your finances separately but are each still expecting each other to contribute towards each other's dc's upbringing. You wouldn't have this problem if you pooled resources in some way, even if you keep separate bank accounts. So, accept that you both have dc from previous relationships, maybe split all bills and essential outgoings proportionately according to your earnings (e.g. of he earns a third more than you, he takes on a third extra of the outgoings) and whatever is left goes into a 'family' pot - which could be a joint account. The way you view each other, each other's child/ children and finances, given that you're a married couple, is extremely odd.

Sounds more like a child minding business than a marriage! Poor kid!

I feel sorry for your step daughter. Sounds like non-one cares about her and her feelings. I hope she is ok.

I don’t understand what you are afraid of unless he’s financially abusive. He sounds as if he is. Is this correct?

golly this poor girl.it sounds like no one is going to help her feel safe and wanted.you neee dto stop and put her first.bypass all the other stuff an work together.becasue if this action is being sent back to her I cant imagine how your all mking her feel right now at exactly the point she needs you all most.

Also what others have said - sending her back or into care is not an option. You have to find a way to make this work between you both. Poor child.