to be absolutely gutted that my husband said this

[creepymumweirdo]

He doesn't find me "aesthetically pleasing" any more.

This is massively outing but I'm beyond caring...

I'm 34. We have a 2 year old. When my husband and I met I was a size 8/10. Now I'm a size 14/16. It's mostly around my middle, arms and massive boobs.

When my son was born I nearly died. I lost 3 litres of blood and woke up in intensive care. That was the beginning of a litany of disasters that saw me having four major operations in three months and ultimately resulted in a radical hysterectomy. I've had a premature menopause. I'm on antidepressants for PTSD and I take HRT.

Before we had our son we relocated to the part of the UK that my husband is from. I was for the move but it's not worked out as we had planned. We can't afford the house and standard of living that we thought we would. Money is really tight. He has his mum and friends from school within spitting distance. I've not made any proper friends. This has started to improve lately.

All things considered, I think I'm doing a blinding job of keeping my shit together. I have a decent part time job. I dress well. I'm interested and excited by the world. I'm passionate and enthusiastic about things. Our son is an absolute joy and I'm a good mum to him. I worked really hard to seek out some good talking therapy about what happened when my son was born (not easy to access on the NHS) and it's been proving really helpful.

This has prompted my husband and I to have some interesting, sometimes difficult but mostly productive conversations lately. I guess that's pretty normal when you're reflecting on a difficult and defining time in your life. We had one of these conversations last night, basically about our sex life. After much beating about the bush he confirmed what I have suspected for a while: that he doesn't find me physically attractive any more. "Aesthetically pleasing" were his words.

I'm trying to be understanding and rational but I'm actually devastated by this. I've worked so hard get life back on track, be a good mum and regain myself, provide for our family and keep our home running. I'm a fair bit heavier than I used to be but it's not a phenomenal transformation. I don't particularly like it but I'm trying to be kind to myself and accept myself as I am so I can change the things I don't like in a positive way rather than out of self loathing. I feel like these things don't mean anything to him.

Frankly (at the risk of sounding arrogant) I'm inclined to think he should be massively impressed that my body kept me alive and that I've achieved everything I have in the last two years despite some pretty life changing set backs. Instead I cant help but think he just looks at the extra weight and sees failure.

He said he still loves me, and fancies me because I'm me, but doesn't want sex much any more. Should this be enough? Should I think myself lucky? I want to be a sexual person again. I'm only 34!

Even if I lost the weight and (more importantly in my opinion) got fitter again, which I hope to do in my own time, I think I'll always feel that his physical affection for me is conditional. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that the desire of the man that I pledged myself to for the rest of my life is so based on how thin I am. I certainly don't want to give myself to him any more. I don't see how I can get past this.

Sorry this was son long.

I would leave him for this OP. My DH has had cancer twice and nearly died twice. His belly is utterly trashed with scarring. When ever I look at him I am amazed at his resilience and how he has stayed sane through the last four years and just think he's wonderful.
I won't bore you with the details but your DH sounds so bloody shallow and what he said to you after you have walked through hell and faced down the shit you have faced down would have me realising he isn't fit to be around me.
Let him go and find a dolly bird but one day he might need looking after and a sympathetic eye and an empathetic ear which may not be forthcoming. He might look back and realise but I doubt it
At the point where you realise you have tiles on your roof with more depth than the DH is a water shed moment in life sure enough.

He's not worthy of you OP.

You've had how many operations in as many months and moved to a different part of the country. Plus giving birth, early menopause & all the medication and emotional roller coaster that brings.

He sounds emotionally immature and I wouldn't thank him for his 'honesty'. Like a PP suggested, sure it's not him blaming you for his issues?

I'd have to seriously rethink whether I wanted to have sex with him ever again as you're right, it will always feel "conditional". There are plenty of lovelier men who would be in awe of you.

You have to think, what was he expecting to happen as you both aged? Regardless of weight, you would both get older and less 'aesthetically pleasing' so sex would have to be based more on love than just visuals by then anyway. Did he have no foresight?
Also, his margin for what he finds attractive is incredibly narrow! It's not like you're obese just a bit bigger than you were when you met him!
Your pheromones would be different after HRT. Perhaps using bought ones without telling him would do something. But, as you say, he's turned you off with his attitude anyway. Where do you go from here? Is it a combination of you trying to make him fancy you and him trying to change his attitude that's needed or for you to just get out of the whole thing? He does sound pretty damn selfish with the move anyway.

Even if he thinks that he should have kept his mouth shut :/

Does he want sex at all? Is he using your changes as a way of justifying to himself a more general loss of libido?

^this.

Your talk gave him an opportunity to deflect his problem onto you. Time to give it back.

I think people are slightly missing the point to say he is just finding the OP less attractive because she has put on weight.

They have both lost MUCH more than a slim waist here. The OP is 34, which is young, but she now faces the physical problems of a woman 20 years older. They probably wanted more children, which is not going to happen. The OP is taking anti-depressants, which suggests her mood has been low for some time. All of these things have been shit for BOTH of them, and suggesting that her DH should feel positive about it all seems to me a bit like telling someone who has lost a leg that they should be grateful they didn't lose both legs.

I think counselling as a couple here would be helpful in openly acknowledging what they have lost, and then talking about the great life they can still have.

What is so amazing about him. He should be worshiping you and standing in awe of you. He is only showing himself for the week and superficial dick he is. You deserve all that is amazing to go with you the amazing women he does not deserve. Tell him where the door is you don't have to put up with the loser. You been through so much now he needs to know he's the let down and should know his shame.

Agreed. He still loves you.
Going up a size or two is not irreversible is it? Cut the carbs and do exercise and you'll be back to 8/10 in six months or less.

Lots of marriages wobble when young children and babies come along. They grow up quick. Think long game rather than worrying that you aren't attractive enough to sleep with. As someone who was a 18/20 and had lots of interest from men I can assure you that it's him not you but you chose someone that likes the size 8/10 atheistic.

Yanbu. I don't believe anyone who has posted "well he's just being honest" / "I wouldn't fancy my DP if they put on weight" etc. wouldn't feel equally as devastated if they were in your position. Incidentally, I don't think anyone whose love depends on appearance so much was ever really in love at all. How shallow.

Katniss, no I genuinely wouldn't be devastated, if I went up from a eight to a sixteen I would know it myself. I've done it a few times from a ten to a sixteen. I would be devastated if my husband lied to me and pretended it was his libido or something. I expect honesty from him. However I wouldn't ask if didn't want to know.

It's so unrealistic to think your partner should fancy you just as much whatever you look like. That's really not the norm for most folks.

Wow OP - you’ve been through an awful lot and you sound amazing! A true inspiration

However, your DH was just being honest with you which I imagine he found difficult to do but did so because he respects you enough to have an honest conversation with you.

We don’t know your husband or your relationship, only you know if he said it with malice and the intention to hurt you, or whether it was just part of an honest discussion about a fundamental part of your relationship.

My DH has put on weight since we got married and I will admit that it has affected how sexually attractive I find him and I don’t feel as inclined to have sex with him like I used to. That doesn’t mean I don’t love him, it just means his appearance isn’t as appealing towards me now.

Unfortunately that’s just biology and attraction, or lack of, can’t be helped.

It doesn’t matter if the weight has been gained through sitting on the sofa eating crisps or whether it’s because of all the issues you are facing, but extra weight is extra weight and your husband is struggling to be attracted to that.

As has been said, try and separate love and attraction because they don’t have to come hand in hand. I’m sure your husband still thinks you are amazing and is incredibly
grateful that you are alive and no doubt proud of all you have achieved and come through so don’t lose sight of that.

I guess the question though is can you stay with someone who you know isn’t sexually attracted to you anymore? Can you try and lose the weight or do you even want to? Do you want to be in a relationship that hangs on the balance of him wanting you to lose weight for his own needs as opposed to yours?

Lots of difficult questions.

I’m sorry you’re feeling the way you are OP, it must have been very upsetting to hear and now you just need to make a decision as to what to do about the information

I am in a very similar situation to you. My DH wasn't as careful with his choice of words and also had a problem that although I wasn't thrilled by my weight gain, I recognised it as something I could address in the future and didn't berate myself for it. He wanted me to dislike it and feel as unhappy with it as he did.

We are now getting divorced. There were lots of other reasons but I was disgusted by the fact he'd rather I was deeply unhappy than accepting of my weight gain. That he would prefer I judged myself harshly that accepted it as something I would deal with when I didn't have a ton of other shit to deal with.

Sorry OP. You aren't alone.

What an asshole. After everything you have been through, you sounds like a lovely positive person with a great attitude and respect for your body, who brought your beautiful child into the world, had major surgeries. He should be bowing to you.

My partners body has changed since we have been together, My face is now changing getting older, that is life I would be horrified if it came down to looks after all the years.

At 34 I would reconsider your relationship, he seems very shallow.

He should be worshiping you and standing in awe of you.

I am not sure you have a very realistic view of relationships...

I don't know. You asked and he told you.
I don't think he's being an arse. He's being honest.
Sexual attraction phases in and out in a relationship, it would even if you hadn't been through everything you have. If you both work at it, then it will come back.

Coming back to this, it is unusual for a man who loves his wife and even says he "fancies" her to not want sex just because she has gone up a few dress sizes. I think it's a lot more likely that having been through a tough time and with a young child it's just a bit of a dry spell. But since you have been having some honest talks and you asked him he has cast around for reasons he might not be wanting sex as much. But I doubt this is the real reason. Ok you might look better if you lost 10lbs and toned up, wouldn't most people? But I bet the real reason is that you are new parents and life has been stressful. Perhaps he lacks insight to see that. I think he might feel differently if you were on a relaxing holiday together.

OP you sound amazing, you have been through an immense amount and have largely come through the other side. There is more than one interpretation of what your DH has said, particularly if he was reluctant to put this view forward. Physical desire is complicated and many men (and women) will attribute a loss of attractiveness to something visually obvious when it may actually also be linked to the psychological trauma he has been through watching helplessly while you suffer. More counselling and time may get to the bottom of this, if he is being kind and loving as well then you can afford to wait around and find out. Alternatively if he is just being a dick then you need to decide if he has a place in your life. Whatever happens you know you will be fine in the end because you have already been to the edge and found your way back

Kat
Yes, exactly. I have been in the position, DH in intensive care, nearly died, lost masses of weight then regained lots. I love and fancy him even more now than when I met him 24 years ago. That's just being in love.
But OP you have been through so much and DH probably needs more help than he realises.

Bluntness - glad my relationship isn't the norm then. I don't give two hoots that DH has put on weight since I met him and he doesn't care that I'm a size 14 after having a baby (was a size 10 before). We still flirt / have sex / fancy each other just as much. I'd hate to feel that our entire relationship could be jeapordised by putting on weight. As I said, seems rather shallow.

Of course YANBU to feel hurt - I can't believe there's anyone who wouldn't find that hurtful and the phrasing was extremely unfortunate - it sounds like your DH was finding the conversation quite difficult to negotiate and his attempt to be tactful went quite badly wrong.

Honest conversations about sex are awkward... did you initiate the conversation? Were you asking him whether his feelings for you have changed? He told you that he loves you and that he "fancies you because of who you are" - and you know that you have changed physically. Sex is physical, as well as emotional. You've had a dreadfulfew years, it's no wonder you are feeling so let down, but I don't think your DH deserves the level of criticism some PPs are advocating.

Keep talking to your DH - honesty is difficult but it's what you asked him for. You sound amazing; your marriage sounds strong; your circumstances sound difficult.

Kat we're the same. We've changed in the 30+ years we've been together. We're old(er), our weights have changed up and down, health issues have left their marks.

And yet we still fancy the pants off each other. I don't think it's rare at all.

Thanks so much for the many thoughtful, insightful and helpful responses.

I could lose the weight if I really tried. There have been lots of other mountains to climb the last couple of years so it's not been a priority. As I keep getting stronger and more resilient the inclination to get outside and do more becomes stronger. I'm confident that in time I will lose the weight.

The problem is that I will always know he thinks this way and I'm not sure how I feel about that. He's a very handsome man and because of his job is now fitter than he was when we got married. I think my sexuality is much more cerebral his. I've had some boyfriends that other people would think unattractive but who I fancied the pants off at the time because I thought they were awesome people.

I'm not angry with him. I'm hurt and a bit disappointed. I appreciate his honesty. I asked the question and he respected me enough to be honest about it so we could work through it. He wasn't spiteful. I think he feels bad about it and defensive at the same time.

Maybe I'm being unreasonable for judging him harshly based on what he finds attractive.

Firstly, he should just be so fucking GRATEFUL that you actually survived childbirth and so did your son (and that he's not having to raise a little boy by himself), that your weight should be completely last thing on his mind. I don't believe your weight is why he doesn't want sex - I think that's bollocks and he just can't be arsed. It's not an excuse and not a reason. Although it could ultimately end up being the 'reason' in his head for him to have an affair in the future (not that I'm saying he will, but I think sometimes this sort of shittyness like shagging someone else starts with what is actually again an entirely fabricated 'reason' that in their mind, gives them the permission to go ahead and have an affair - ah, poor them, all that suffering.

I imagine it's much more tied up in the tumultuous time you've had an how it's affected him (not that I'm saying you should start pandering to his needs, if he's got issues with all the stuff that's gone on then he needs to talk to you about it, not have a go at you about your weight). And I can only take that comment seriously if he is talking from a position of being super fit.

What he SHOULD have done (which leads me to think it's about him and not about your weight) is said well we've had a shit year or two and we've come through it, how's about we support each other towards getting fitter and healthier together, what do you think? Now no one coul d have taken exception at that - but that's not how he did it is it.

I would turn it around on him and ask him how he is personally going to facilitate your going to the gym 5 days a week for about 2 hours each time plus extra classes which will take another hour altogether. Is he proposing a nanny or will he provide the childcare, and / or will he free up your already highly squeezed time by having a cleaner or daily help to pick up all the chores you won't be doing whilst you get yourself all aesthetically pleasing again.

And even if he said yes to one or more of the above, would you even want to get fit for him, to meet his demands, or because you felt recovered enough that you wanted to do it for yourself.

I'm thinking that it's the dissatisfaction with the success of the move that has a LOT more to do with this comment than anything to actually do with your weight.

I'm sorry he said that to you, it was really thoughtless. Perhaps by saying that it gives him an out with the sexual relationship as no one is going to lose weight overnight. But then there's the risk that you did lose it and then he'd simply find something else that was the 'reason'. You need to find out what's causing him to say this as whatever it is, it's not weight-related, not really.

I do hope you can get is sorted OP. You sound like you've survived, soldiered on, conquered and still managed to retain an incredibly positive outlook on and interest in life despite the ongoing health issues that you've got to live with now. You sound bloody amazing.

In the time I was together with my ex DP, I gained 2 stone. Now my ex was an arsehole of the highest order and even he said I looked no different (clearly a lie).

What would people be saying if the OP was on here posting that she didn’t fancy her DH because he’d lost his hair or gained some wrinkles?

OP, you do not exist to esthetically please anyone. If you want to lose weight and get fitter do so. If you don’t, then don’t.

He sounds awful, sorry op.
I was in a car crash at 26 weeks pregnant, I am heavily scarred, I almost died, having ds2 I was in intensive care and needed a emergency hysterectomy to save my life. I'm partially paralysed. I am in no way aesthetically pleasing.
And you know what when I met my partner I laughed at him when he asked me out, he is gorgeous as in model gorgeous. But he saw me, he loves me, he tells me I'm amazing and beautiful all the time. He laughs when he has to carry me, puts me straight when I have a bad day and try to cover my scars, reminds me exactly what my body has been through, what I'm capable of.
He should be building u up and supporting you.
Have you explained how hurt you are?