to be absolutely gutted that my husband said this

[creepymumweirdo]

He doesn't find me "aesthetically pleasing" any more.

This is massively outing but I'm beyond caring...

I'm 34. We have a 2 year old. When my husband and I met I was a size 8/10. Now I'm a size 14/16. It's mostly around my middle, arms and massive boobs.

When my son was born I nearly died. I lost 3 litres of blood and woke up in intensive care. That was the beginning of a litany of disasters that saw me having four major operations in three months and ultimately resulted in a radical hysterectomy. I've had a premature menopause. I'm on antidepressants for PTSD and I take HRT.

Before we had our son we relocated to the part of the UK that my husband is from. I was for the move but it's not worked out as we had planned. We can't afford the house and standard of living that we thought we would. Money is really tight. He has his mum and friends from school within spitting distance. I've not made any proper friends. This has started to improve lately.

All things considered, I think I'm doing a blinding job of keeping my shit together. I have a decent part time job. I dress well. I'm interested and excited by the world. I'm passionate and enthusiastic about things. Our son is an absolute joy and I'm a good mum to him. I worked really hard to seek out some good talking therapy about what happened when my son was born (not easy to access on the NHS) and it's been proving really helpful.

This has prompted my husband and I to have some interesting, sometimes difficult but mostly productive conversations lately. I guess that's pretty normal when you're reflecting on a difficult and defining time in your life. We had one of these conversations last night, basically about our sex life. After much beating about the bush he confirmed what I have suspected for a while: that he doesn't find me physically attractive any more. "Aesthetically pleasing" were his words.

I'm trying to be understanding and rational but I'm actually devastated by this. I've worked so hard get life back on track, be a good mum and regain myself, provide for our family and keep our home running. I'm a fair bit heavier than I used to be but it's not a phenomenal transformation. I don't particularly like it but I'm trying to be kind to myself and accept myself as I am so I can change the things I don't like in a positive way rather than out of self loathing. I feel like these things don't mean anything to him.

Frankly (at the risk of sounding arrogant) I'm inclined to think he should be massively impressed that my body kept me alive and that I've achieved everything I have in the last two years despite some pretty life changing set backs. Instead I cant help but think he just looks at the extra weight and sees failure.

He said he still loves me, and fancies me because I'm me, but doesn't want sex much any more. Should this be enough? Should I think myself lucky? I want to be a sexual person again. I'm only 34!

Even if I lost the weight and (more importantly in my opinion) got fitter again, which I hope to do in my own time, I think I'll always feel that his physical affection for me is conditional. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that the desire of the man that I pledged myself to for the rest of my life is so based on how thin I am. I certainly don't want to give myself to him any more. I don't see how I can get past this.

Sorry this was son long.

I think I get where your husband is coming from. Both myself and my partner gained a lot of weight and although we still loved each other, it’s fair to say that neither of us were aesthetically pleasing to each other for quite a while (not that we ever had that conversation). That had absolutely nothing to do with how we felt about each other and how we admired each other with how we had coped with the crap life had thrown at us.

I’ve had lots of ops and a premature menopause too and it may be that your husband is also now more used to seeing you in as a patient rather than as a sexual partner. That would be understandable and wouldn’t actually be his fault either just as it is not your fault. Imagine how much worse it would have been had he prioritised the latter over your poor health.

I think the danger with honest discussions is that you risk hearing answers you don’t want to hear, as you have, but he has probably only said it now because the subject was raised and he loves you and doesn’t want to lie to the woman he loves. Nobody is duty bound to find extra weight attractive on someone else so that doesn’t make him a dick whereas using the extra weight as an excuse for sleeping with other women would.

For all the people saying that OP should be glad he was honest.

There is honest and there is brutal. He was brutal. He could have simply said that with all that had happened and was going on, his libido isn't what it used to be and he was feeling the strain. He knows full well that OP isn't sitting at home scoffing chocolate and pies and "letting herself go" (shit expression by the way).

He could have shown some tact and approached the whole thing in an entirely different way. He could even have thought of some fun active things to do together that would help OP regain her fitness.

He could have been gentle and kind about it, without lying. He wasn't. He's a massive prick.

I agree with the people saying you did ask for an honest reason why your sex life is not as good. He can't help how he is affected by your changing looks in that regard. At the same time it does raise the question that you are bound to lose your looks as you get older even if you don't gain weight.
If he only wants sex with a size 8-10 25 year old then where does that leave you as a couple?

Sorry to hear everything you've been through. You sound like a very strong person.

However, think of it like this. He hasn't said he doesn't fancy you and he says he loves you. Perhaps he is going through a blip and the problems you had affected him more than he wants to let on or realises.

He certainly hasn't perhaps gone about it in the best way but should he find you physically attractive regardless? Relationships tend to move past this and while partners remain attracted to their partner emotionally and fancy them, it's not uncommon for physical attraction to change. It most likely doesn't mean he loves or respects you any less.

However, his reluctance for sex is a little more unusual. Would he be willing to go to counselling? Only reason I say is I had a colleague who had a similar experience to you. They sought help together and it transpired her dh was pulling away because he was subconsciously scared of hurting her or feeling she was fragile or something because of how she almost died. Once they got past this they now have an amazing relationship again.

You are doing an amazing job if you are managing a child, a job, major surgeries and the mental stress of surviving. It’s not whether you still fancy your partner in the same way that you did when you first got together. It’s about accepting change, acknowledging that survival sometimes has necessary if unwelcome consequences, understanding and keeping your mouth shut if you can’t say things in a positive manner. I don’t think your husband sounds as strong as you, or as resilient, and that’s his failure, not yours.

Wow well done to you for all that you have battled through.

Yes, what your DH said was very hurtful and you should speak to him about how this made you feel.

I also read from your post that your DH could also be struggling with what you went through; he must of thought he was going to lose his wife and have to raise his son alone (pretty scary) then you both also have to deal with not having more children if you wanted them.

What I'm trying to say is that although what he said was hurtful, maybe he feels he can't allow himself to be close to you again as he feels scared on some level that he may lose you again? iyswim

With your weight gain in all honesty if my husband gained four stone I just could not find him attractive either.

Even if it was because of all the trauma and shit similar to what the OP went through?

I understand it more if someone has sat on their arse eating crisps for years, not caring about themselves but not if weight gain has been a result of circumstances they can't help. My DH has put on a lot of weight (I don't know how much as I haven't asked him, it's not important) due to illness and many other things that are outing. I love him, admire him for coping so well with so much shit and I still find him attractive, because he's still him.

OP, you're awesome, your husband is not and you deserve better.

I think he was being honest and sound like your therapy thing is what pushed the conversation to that point.

I wouldn't fancy anyone once they got fat. Its just not what I find physically appealing doesn't mean i wouldn't love them just i wouldn't want to be naked with them.

People can't help physical attraction.

Sorry for the typos, I am bleary eyed!

Think of how skinny you would be now if you had died. Jesus Christ your husband sounds like a total bellend. Is it a shock to him that that bodies change with age? Pathetic. You're amazing btw.

I can't see how his honesty can help. She hasn't put on weight because she eats biscuits all day, but because of medication. This means she might not ever be able to lose weight. His job as a husband is to support - how does it support or help her to say what he did, when it's not her fault and she might not be able to change it?

Omg op you’ve been through all that, and so recently. You are doing amazingly and have fantastic attitude and are doing everything right IMO. Here’s a massive ((((hug)))).

I think your H sounds entitled, selfish and childish. He’s basically resentful that things aren’t all set up to please him. He doesn’t have to like it, but in the circumstances to say that is so hurtful. And hugely missing the point - you’re in recovery from something awful.

On the plus side, you sound very strong and like you have a lot of self-respect. I wouldn’t say LTB over this but if he’s generally not on your side then you don’t have to get past it.

What a hurtful thing to hear.

You mention that your counselling has prompted you to start some frank and honest discussions. I am wondering if this discussion would have been better pursued during a counselling session where he could be truthful but someone else was there to support you hearing it? And also to unpick his feelings about the hysterectomy, early menopause etc. I don't think he is necessarily an arse for having those feelings - you have both lost a lot of things that you rightfully expected. Would he come sister some joint counselling?

Firstly, you sound absolutely amazing to be so positive after all you've been through. You're clearly a very strong and thoughtful person.

Whilst I can understand you're hurt, sexual attraction and love or desire dont come hand in hand. He still loves you, he still thinks you're wonderful and I'm sure must be incredibly glad that you're still alive and well after everything that's happened. But I think most people wouldn't be as attracted to their partner if they gained weight, just most wouldn't admit to that. Did you tell him how hurt you were by the comment? I completely agree he could have tried to go about it in a more sensitive way. Honest conversations are important, and I'd definitely want my DH to be honest if we were having that conversation, but I'd hope he'd be a bit more considerate of how he worded it.

Of course, everyone is different. It is entirely up to you to decide if you think he's right and something has to change to get your sex life back on track, or if you think he's wrong and should be sexually attracted to you regardless. I don't think either of those are the wrong way to feel.

Come sister?? Consider.

You sound incredibly smart and charming - I am so sorry your husband said this to you. I'd be gutted.

I'm a big believer in not being too soft on yourself when it comes to fitness and health, but this is totally out of order. Your recovery is the top priority now. You deserve so much better.

What do you think he should have done then I wanna. Lie to her when she asked him? I just don't see how that's preferable. Don't get me wrong, I understand why people would prefer they lied, but it's not something I'd want my husband to do. He seems to have treated as carefully as possible whilst also telling her loved her and desired her.

He sounds very shallow, I'm sorry to say. I'd ask him what he thinks you can do to change this, seeing as it's not a result of poor lifestyle choices but medical reasons. I'm starting the menopause and it's crap trying to keep on top of weight gain, it's making me really low and I'm in my late 40s. You've had a lot to deal with and have done very well to do so.

You must be gutted, OP, I know I'd be.

I went through a traumatic cs, haemorrhage, further surgery, ptsd and my body changed immeasurably. I never asked DH if he thought I was less attractive in a purely aesthetic sense as of course I was. I could see that for myself. Asking would put him in the difficult position of trying to articulate that in a way that didn't sound unkind. I knew he loved and desired me but objectively, I was less attractive in a purely physical sense.

I'm now fitter than ever and smaller than before I had DC. I still don't ask because it's not about DH and our relationship is predicated on far more than objective physical attraction.

I'm sorry you're hurt op. You've been through an extraordinary amount and achieved an awful lot. Your body truly is a marvel.

Wow MaidenMother, very constructive.

I think you need to continue talking - show him what you've written here, give him time to absorb it, then discuss.

I agree with pp that sexual attraction and love are not necessarily the same thing and it's easy to see that a person can lose some 'sexiness' but still be lovely and loved.

It would have been better if he'd emphasized that a bit more and made it utterly clear that being with you, because you're you, you're amazing (objectively you clearly are) and he sees you as even more amazing and special to him because of everything you've been through for your family, is all he wants.

The discomfort of what he's said is the implication that sexiness is important at the moment and is a downside worth remarking upon, despite the huge upside of everything you, including your body, have done.

The question for him, is why love, admiration and deep affection is not something to be expressed through sex, as well as in other ways, regardless of how 'aesthetically pleasing' he finds you at any particular time.

I wonder if he was so brutally honest because 1. You're so positive and together he thought you could take it 2. You have a good relationship and he feels safe to say what he feels. I'm not making excuses, just looking for possible positives. It was a terrible thing to say though, and I'm so sad for you as you've been through so much and stayed strong. I think he's lucky to have you.

Does he want sex at all? Is he using your changes as a way of justifying to himself a more general loss of libido?

Has he done anything to find out why his libido has dropped? Does he have ED, reduced testosterone?

We often perceive ourselves as unchanged because the changes can be so subtle. If that is the case then it is not uncommon to assume that we are the same and that it is the things outside us which have changed so it's not our 'fault'.

@Grenoble124 you are welcome.

I'd ask him what he thinks you can do to change this, seeing as it's not a result of poor lifestyle choices but medical reasons

He didn't ask her to, she specifically states he beat about the bush a lot in the conversation before eventually admitting it, he phrased it kindly and he contextualised it by saying he loved and desired her, but that it was a difficult and honest conversation about their sex life. Other than lie to her I don't see what else he could have done here.