to be absolutely gutted that my husband said this

[creepymumweirdo]

He doesn't find me "aesthetically pleasing" any more.

This is massively outing but I'm beyond caring...

I'm 34. We have a 2 year old. When my husband and I met I was a size 8/10. Now I'm a size 14/16. It's mostly around my middle, arms and massive boobs.

When my son was born I nearly died. I lost 3 litres of blood and woke up in intensive care. That was the beginning of a litany of disasters that saw me having four major operations in three months and ultimately resulted in a radical hysterectomy. I've had a premature menopause. I'm on antidepressants for PTSD and I take HRT.

Before we had our son we relocated to the part of the UK that my husband is from. I was for the move but it's not worked out as we had planned. We can't afford the house and standard of living that we thought we would. Money is really tight. He has his mum and friends from school within spitting distance. I've not made any proper friends. This has started to improve lately.

All things considered, I think I'm doing a blinding job of keeping my shit together. I have a decent part time job. I dress well. I'm interested and excited by the world. I'm passionate and enthusiastic about things. Our son is an absolute joy and I'm a good mum to him. I worked really hard to seek out some good talking therapy about what happened when my son was born (not easy to access on the NHS) and it's been proving really helpful.

This has prompted my husband and I to have some interesting, sometimes difficult but mostly productive conversations lately. I guess that's pretty normal when you're reflecting on a difficult and defining time in your life. We had one of these conversations last night, basically about our sex life. After much beating about the bush he confirmed what I have suspected for a while: that he doesn't find me physically attractive any more. "Aesthetically pleasing" were his words.

I'm trying to be understanding and rational but I'm actually devastated by this. I've worked so hard get life back on track, be a good mum and regain myself, provide for our family and keep our home running. I'm a fair bit heavier than I used to be but it's not a phenomenal transformation. I don't particularly like it but I'm trying to be kind to myself and accept myself as I am so I can change the things I don't like in a positive way rather than out of self loathing. I feel like these things don't mean anything to him.

Frankly (at the risk of sounding arrogant) I'm inclined to think he should be massively impressed that my body kept me alive and that I've achieved everything I have in the last two years despite some pretty life changing set backs. Instead I cant help but think he just looks at the extra weight and sees failure.

He said he still loves me, and fancies me because I'm me, but doesn't want sex much any more. Should this be enough? Should I think myself lucky? I want to be a sexual person again. I'm only 34!

Even if I lost the weight and (more importantly in my opinion) got fitter again, which I hope to do in my own time, I think I'll always feel that his physical affection for me is conditional. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that the desire of the man that I pledged myself to for the rest of my life is so based on how thin I am. I certainly don't want to give myself to him any more. I don't see how I can get past this.

Sorry this was son long.

Sorry Proa, I completely
Misread your post. Many apologies

Wueen you have referred to my comment and I don't understand why?

Queen

Did you tell Jim you didn’t find him “emotionally pleasing” anymore? Tosser.

Him, not you.

You sound amazing.

Who is Jim?

I've been on the other side of this. My DP spent 2016 suffering badly from a long term heath condition. She'd have good days and bad days, but after a couple of months, I completely lost interest in the idea of sleeping with her.

It wasn't a concious thing, I still loved her, we were still affectionate, and I still found her attractive, but I stopped trying to initiate sex, and then after a while started suffering performance issues when we did have sex. It took me a long while to realise that I was seeing my DP differently, as someone who needed to be looked after and for me, that killed any sexual desire.

Even after she started to get better it took a long time for that desire to come back on my part. Stupidly I never talked to my DP about this or tried to explain it, which led to her feeling rejected my me. In the end we're only now starting to get our relationship back on track, after a lot of arguments, crossed wires etc. In 12 years its the only situation that's come close to splitting us up, and it could have been avoided if we both talked and properly listened to each other.

OP, I'd bet your husband is in a similar position to me, and has been trying to deal with this by himself until you pushed him, and then he's come out with it awkwardly.

While he is being a bit of a twat, he's probably not trying to be. He's probably struggling to see you as a sexual person after such a long period of illness. It's probably scaring him just as much as it is you. However, a bit of time and some honest conversations will probably in the long run sort things out.

Who is Jim?

I meant "him"!

Really good post fdg and exemplifies what many have been saying.

I’d like to give a small view on watching someone that I love fight for their life. It is different in many ways but also very similar. I don’t think your husband was being horrible he was pushed for an answer and gave it.

My daughter was born with a heart condition, one with no cure only treatments. These treatments didn’t work for her and we ended up deciding to try for a transplant. We went through hell for the first eight months of her life, while the fight was still going we were all fairly strong and kept busy. Once we got her home I crumbled. I couldn’t cope with all she had gone through, I didn’t really want to be near her much or look after her as (selfishly) I couldn’t escape from it all. I love her and I am in so much awe of her but at times I hated being responsible for her. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, Severe anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I am ok, I have my partner to keep us going and to take on it all when I can’t. I have never told her how I feel about her for she wouldn’t understand, she is only two and a half. If one day she pushed for answers and I told her I would expect her to feel hurt because it’s a harsh thing to say, but as she was getting better I was getting worse. I wonder if that may be similar to how your husband feels watching you go through what you did? The posters on here being vile and viscous strike me as here for entertainment. The suggestions of leaving him are awful. Talk, maybe don’t push for such answers in future or if you do listen to the whole answer and not just some. Or leave him, but especially for the sake of your child, don’t be horrible to eachother.

What an insightful post, fdg

Op you sound great. I used to be 8 stone, slim, no weight issues. Since a surgical menopause I am now 11 stone despite being a careful eater. The fat is much more thick and distributed all round my middle. It feels really dense. My shape has totally gone. I look stout. I can’t eat any less and as I have no spare time finding time to exercise is hard. I am not even sure it would work.

That is an insightful post fdg - but would you have told her, when she was still struggling (or at all) that you didn’t find her ‘aesthetically pleasing’?

You’re right that communication is always key and would have helped you both - but would you have communicated that?

Atrocious. Give it up, we all accept it wasn't the best choice of words and unless you're little miss perfect then I'm sure you, like the rest of us have said something under pressure that you'd wished you'd either not said or phrased better.

It’s not the phrasing that’s the problem, or rather not the only problem - but the sentiment behind it.

Rolls eyes at ‘little miss perfect’.

He wouldn’t have said anything if he wasn’t pushed. What would you all say if he lied or stayed silent?

I'm in agreement with Bluntness on this, as well as a PP who said several pages ago that there are two camps: those who want honesty and those who want the truth to be sugar-coated. I'd want honesty and, if I didn't, I would wield a metaphorical pointy stick to obtain an answer I might not like. A bit like the old "do I look fat in this?" By definition has two responses.

In any case, unless I'm mistaken, the OP's question was whether it was ok for her to feel very upset by her husband's answer to the question she pushed for an answer to. I don't think anyone would say she hasn't every right to feel upset. She didn't ask about whether her husband had the right to be honest, but that seems to be what the majority of responses have focussed on.

OP, you've obviously been through a huge amount and I'd view the level of open and honest conversation that you're having with your DH as ultimately positive. You can only resolve issues that you're aware of in the first place - no, that's emphatically not that you need to lose weight. Just keep talking as you are doing. Very best of luck to you.

wouldn't wield pointy stick!

those who want honesty and those who want the truth to be sugar-coated.

So you missed all the posts pointing out he hadn’t been honest? And a poster above makes the good point that Bluntness is not being completely honest herself.

I’m not sure what the point of the ‘you pushed for an answer’ line is.

If you’re not having sex as a couple you need to know why. Are you expecting her not to ask and live in ignorance? Put up and shut up?

You seem to be holding her responsible for the brutality of his answer. It’s her fault for asking apparently...

Why isn’t he honest then? What should he have said oh wise internet user who doesn’t know the couple personally?

Ok Bluntness I’ll be Little Miss Perfect and you can be Little Miss Dogmatic

It’s a pertinent point - would fdg have said that to his partner? Even though communication was and is the best way?

Words matter, they have power, and my view is the OP’s partner has a lot of reparation to do. I understand you feel differently but you don’t have to do battle with me - we have different viewpoints, that’s all.

Read the posts, it’s rather been covered.

What would you all say if he lied or stayed silent?

I don't think the problem is his honesty (or possible lack thereof). He was pushed to give an answer and he gave one. The OP knows this. The problem is what his answer may have revealed. Sure it may well be honest to say the physical attraction is waning, for whatever reason, but it's what that reveals.

For some people that seems to reveal something quite deep and troubling. "Aesthetically pleasing" carries with it the clear implication that a woman is there to be looked at and be beautiful, and places the responsibility for the lack of sex life on her (it's how her appearance has changed) rather than on him (it's his attitude to her appearance that has changed).

Personally I think the OP needs to see that remark within the context of what her relationship is like overall. Is this something he stupidly blurted out and phrased very badly? Is it part of a bigger picture that shows he is shallow in what he regards as attractive? Did he pick those words because he actually wanted to say something that divorced physical appearance from deeper emotional ties? I think the crucial thing will be whether he will agree to joint therapy to work through this and repair the damage done by his remark.

Is it really shallow to base what you like on looks? I have to say I don’t really and my partner is not the type I would have usually gone for but I love him. But if looks is what you go for is that really so wrong? My partner answered a very similar question that I pushed and pushed for an answer to. I kept asking if I got very fat would he find me attractive, I guess I knew what I wanted to hear and eventually after much pushing he admitted that if I got really big he wouldn’t. I huffed a bit but realised I pushed for it, I am a lot bigger and he is still here and tells me I’m beautiful and still touches me. We’ve also gone through a lot. He still loves me and fancies me though and it’s never brought up. I think the Op should try and move on and use this as a way of learning not to push for answers if you cannot handle the possible answer. Or leave him if it’s too much for her.

That's exactly what I asked my now DH soon after we got together, @QuackPorridgeBacon and he told me he didn't fancy big women. I was slim at the time but my weight has fluctuated a lot between overweight and slim, which at that time he didn't know. I was upset, but I did ask.

But he hasn't commented on my weight at all during our marriage of nearly 15 years, though I'm sure he's noticed.

Lizzie48 it was near the beginning of our relationship too. Been five years now and hopefully many more without mentioning my weight lol. He’s still slim even though he would eat bigger portions compared to me, he’s a jammy git.