to be absolutely gutted that my husband said this

[creepymumweirdo]

He doesn't find me "aesthetically pleasing" any more.

This is massively outing but I'm beyond caring...

I'm 34. We have a 2 year old. When my husband and I met I was a size 8/10. Now I'm a size 14/16. It's mostly around my middle, arms and massive boobs.

When my son was born I nearly died. I lost 3 litres of blood and woke up in intensive care. That was the beginning of a litany of disasters that saw me having four major operations in three months and ultimately resulted in a radical hysterectomy. I've had a premature menopause. I'm on antidepressants for PTSD and I take HRT.

Before we had our son we relocated to the part of the UK that my husband is from. I was for the move but it's not worked out as we had planned. We can't afford the house and standard of living that we thought we would. Money is really tight. He has his mum and friends from school within spitting distance. I've not made any proper friends. This has started to improve lately.

All things considered, I think I'm doing a blinding job of keeping my shit together. I have a decent part time job. I dress well. I'm interested and excited by the world. I'm passionate and enthusiastic about things. Our son is an absolute joy and I'm a good mum to him. I worked really hard to seek out some good talking therapy about what happened when my son was born (not easy to access on the NHS) and it's been proving really helpful.

This has prompted my husband and I to have some interesting, sometimes difficult but mostly productive conversations lately. I guess that's pretty normal when you're reflecting on a difficult and defining time in your life. We had one of these conversations last night, basically about our sex life. After much beating about the bush he confirmed what I have suspected for a while: that he doesn't find me physically attractive any more. "Aesthetically pleasing" were his words.

I'm trying to be understanding and rational but I'm actually devastated by this. I've worked so hard get life back on track, be a good mum and regain myself, provide for our family and keep our home running. I'm a fair bit heavier than I used to be but it's not a phenomenal transformation. I don't particularly like it but I'm trying to be kind to myself and accept myself as I am so I can change the things I don't like in a positive way rather than out of self loathing. I feel like these things don't mean anything to him.

Frankly (at the risk of sounding arrogant) I'm inclined to think he should be massively impressed that my body kept me alive and that I've achieved everything I have in the last two years despite some pretty life changing set backs. Instead I cant help but think he just looks at the extra weight and sees failure.

He said he still loves me, and fancies me because I'm me, but doesn't want sex much any more. Should this be enough? Should I think myself lucky? I want to be a sexual person again. I'm only 34!

Even if I lost the weight and (more importantly in my opinion) got fitter again, which I hope to do in my own time, I think I'll always feel that his physical affection for me is conditional. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that the desire of the man that I pledged myself to for the rest of my life is so based on how thin I am. I certainly don't want to give myself to him any more. I don't see how I can get past this.

Sorry this was son long.

I felt so sad for you reading your OP.
Your little boy is lucky to have you as his mum. I doubt he notices a few extra pounds around your middle!
I hope you told your (not so) DH how you felt after his comments. What is he doing to support you? Is he still the Adonis he was on your wedding day?

I’m going to go against the grain here. Physical attraction is important in a marriage and in having a positive sexual relationship.

You sound amazing for all the things you’ve been through, and no doubt are a good mum and wife, but if your DH doesn’t find you sexually attractive then it’s makes that sexual relationship difficult. It doesn’t make him a prick, shallow or unreasonable. Likewise, if you no longer find him attractive because of this then YANBU either.

It sounds as though this therapy is helping you both work through some issues, so to throw this back at him is a little unreasonable, in my opinion.

As I see it you’re left with a few options.

1. lose weight and make yourself more ‘aesthetically pleasing’ (horrible term, when what he means is thinner).
2. explain that you don’t wish to lose the weight (which isn’t the case as you’ve stated you’d like to fitter anyway)
3. seek a divorce as you’re unhappy

It’s up to you which option to try, but I’d suggest 2) is the best, seeing as you’d like to be fitter and thinner for your health. This should improve your sexual relationship.

Honest conversations are important, and I'd definitely want my DH to be honest if we were having that conversation, but I'd hope he'd be a bit more considerate of how he worded it.

The OP's health issues really make mince of this argument, IMO. It's terribly unsexy when people gain weight from sitting around doing fuck all whilst stuffing their faces. It's another thing entirely when they're dealing w major health issues, surely? I feel a bit sad even considering this hypothetical with my husband, I'd be doing my best to assure him I still found him hot alongside all the other shit.

Physical attraction IS conditional. He still loves and fancies you. I wouldn't still be physically attracted to a partner if they piled loads of weight on. Love them and fancy them because chemistry is more than appearence yes, but I don't find overweight attractive.

So, after almost dying, and then having serious medical procedures and a radical hysterectomy, you've been thrown into early menopause, you're taking HRT and you're on anti- depressants. And, presumably, you weren't very mobile for quite some time as you recovered.

And your 'd'H is unhappy that you've gained weight.

What a fucking asshole. Those 4 things will contribute to weight gain, and the menopause, HRT and anti-depressants will make it damn hard to keep weight off. You have medical issues seriously contributing to your weight gain.

And yet you're still getting on with life, being a mother to your lovely boy, and working hard.

You need to pull him up sharply that he is so far over the line on his thoughts about your weight gain, that you can't even see the fucking line. He's lucky you're not dead and his son still has his mother. And he either pulls himself together and remembers he's supposed to love and cherish you, or he can get to fuck.

I second everything flouncy said. In no way justifying it as I think it could have been said with some more tact, but physical attraction is important in a sexual relationship so at least he's been honest with you rather than leaving you to wonder what's going on. Also, he still pointed out that he fancies you because you're you.

In my experience sexual desire fluctuates in long term relationships, regardless of weight gain/loss/a whole host of external factors. I think this is a normal and natural part of living in close proximity to another human year after year. Doesn't mean that he should have said what he did, but maybe he's just attributing normal ebbs and flows of desire to a factor which is largely irrelevant.

I read the first line of your post and wanted to post straight away: tell him to fuck off, you're not a painting. You're a human being, and you've just produced another human being.

And how does he look compared to when you first met. Don't just look at him go and get a photograph of him and there will be a difference. May not be weight but he will have also have changed its what happens despite what you have been through. He's a div, and should value what he's got long term relationships aren't about looks.

Physical attraction IS conditional. He still loves and fancies you. I wouldn't still be physically attracted to a partner if they piled loads of weight on. Love them and fancy them because chemistry is more than appearence yes, but I don't find overweight attractive.

Trouble is, where does this leave the op's marriage? She has put on weight because of all the health problems she has had. Losing weight can be hard for most people, but it is probably not the priority for the op as she is still recovering. So making herself more 'aesthetically pleasing' for his sake is not really the way forward for the op. She hoped that her husband would love and accept her body for how it is. He has admitted he doesn't. So they are at an impasse. Unless she slims down there is no relationship. And she does not want to have to change herself that quickly and drastically to do that. So what now? People seem to be saying that she should just lose the weight to please him. But why is the onus on her to put her body through more stress to do that?

I think you need to split love and sexual desire. The two are not as intrinsically linked as people wish to think.

I think this is the core point.

Physical attraction is something you feel; it isn't intellectual and it can't be forced. He was candid in a context in which it sounds reasonable to have been honest (he didn't throw it out in an argument, for example). I can absolutely understand why you are devastated, but I don't think he's done anything wrong. The question you now face is whether you want to continue in the relationship now you're fully appraised of the facts.....

And your 'd'H is unhappy that you've gained weight

That's a bit unfair really given the context here. That's not what he said.

There is always this thing on here which is we should find our partners physically attractive irrelevant of how their appearance changes. I suspect some folks project, because that's what they wish to be true.

As a pp said, physical attraction is conditional for most people. It's not shallow, unreasonable and it doesn't make him or anyone else an arsehole. He stated he loved her and desired her for who she was. But the context of this conversation meant he could either lie or be honest. He was politely honest.

He's in no way unreasonable for not finding her "as" sexually attractive at a size sixteen as a size eight but to still desire her because he loves her.

I do think it’s probably fairly common for couples to be a bit less sexually attracted to their partners when things like weight gain or too much weight loss etc happen. But the whole point of a loving relationship is that you care deeply for that person and would never want to hurt them. He should have kept his insensitive remarks to himself, and if it was really that important to him that you lost weight then he should have found ways to support you doing that without being tactless. Encouraging you to do exercise together, healthy meals at home etc. You have been through a lot and don’t deserve that sort of treatment from him!

I'm inclined to think he should be massively impressed that my body kept me alive and that I've achieved everything I have

he never said he wasn't. Your problem is not that he doesn't recognise all you've gone through, it's that he (reasonably) is less physically attracted to you. He said he still loves you and care for you, he can't force himself to find you sexually attractive.

He should have kept his mouth shut.

I don't understand why people think because we had babies even in difficult circumstances we should resign to having a different body and be unattractive. That's utter bollocks. Yes, it takes time, and it's unhealthy or impossible to bounce back within 48h. A post-pregnancy body doesn't have to be that much different though even if it does take months to go back in shape. You can't erase the scars, but with the right diet and exercise, you can be pretty much as you were.

Menopause does not mean your body is gone forever either!
You might have a few difficult months, but things settle with help after a while too.

I fear that the UK health system is so unsupportive of women that they believe they must change and it's a curse. It's not true.

If you are happy with what you have, it's fine, but if you are not, do not believe that you are stuck with it forever.

What a first class arsehole he is. I have yoyo'd up and down and my husband has never said one word about my weight. You deserve so much better.

But you asked, was he supposed to lie to make you happy? He still fancies you for you, which is great! But your looks have undeniably changed since you met. He can’t help how he feels about this? He can still be super proud of you (and your body) without finding it ‘aesthetically pleasing’. Sorry i know I’m in the minority here and everyone else thinks he’s an arse for being honest.

I can imagine exactly how you feel, and I'd echo all the wonderfully supportive comments made by others. But I also think your DH was right to be honest. From what you've said, he didn't actually say that his affection for you was conditional on your appearance - in fact he said the opposite - and that he still loves and fancies you 'because you're you'. I'm not sure I can think how he could have played things better without lying (which I hate in a relationship, even if it's to 'spare my feelings').

Have I read it right - he said he still fancies you, but also you're finding that his libido has gone? Surely those two things don't tally?

I think it was a shitty thing to say to a woman who has been to hell and back within the last couple of years. When really his jaw should be slack with awe at how amazing she is, and any (fair enough) concerns about perhaps not finding the extra weight attractive, should be shut up forever.

If you'd like to get fitter, could he not have done everything he could to support you with that? Rather than bringing you down?

In some cases, honesty is massively overrated.

You are an amazing person who puts your family first. You have got through all your battles with bravery and positivity. You put your marriage first.
I bet you are beautiful. A few stone, so What? You can lose that only if you want to and when you are ready at your own pace. You have put everything else first, rightly so.
You deserve so much more than someone who judges you in a negative way for how you look. This person is supposed to love you no matter what and stand by you.
I'm sensitive but I couldn't be with someone who felt that way about me. I need to lose 4 stone too and I will do it for me and not my partner. He stands by me no matter what.
I bet your husband is no oil painting either. It's totally shallow. You can still be beautiful and overweight and if he married you then you are only a chunkier version of yourself. It's not like you have gained 10 stone.
I feel for you because you now won't be able to undress or be naked infront of him without feeling shit. Every time you want a bit of cake you are going to feel shit and if you lose weight you will be doing it to try please someone who doesn't love you for you.
How utterly shit. Remember you are beautiful inside and out and you deserve happiness and respect.

I think it's great he told you. If he doesn't fancy you, he doesn't fancy you. Now you either do something about it or end things. What's wrong with communication?

OP you sound amazing, you should be proud of yourself. Your DH is an arse.

What a tosser. I expect he's about as aesthetically pleasing as your average saucer and about as shallow.

for you and a stale, mouldy for him.

I agree with pp

If he says he still fancies you how does that work with not aesthetically pleasing anymore

gnome this is exactly what I was thinking.
Has DH lost his libido for some reason? Psychological: due to the trauma, or another unconnected physical reason? I think he may be pinning it on your weight gain because he can't or doesn't want to acknowledge the problem may be with him. In my experience men's sexuality is not easily dampened! It's heartening that he loves and fancies you for yourself.
Personally I would be devistated if my DH said this and as for it being good to tell the truth well this is a very complex issue and there may be a number of equally or more valid " truths" going on. This word can be used to excuse much nastiness.
Should we "fancy" our life partners as they age and change? Yes we bloody well should! Otherwise we'd all be like those aging rockers who keep marrying 25 year olds into their 70s!

What's wrong with communication?

Loving, supportive partners should find ways to say things so that they do not hurt their partners.

"you're not aesthetically pleasing" vs "it's been a tough few years and it has affected my libido".

Because basically what he's saying is that he can't get it up unless the OP looks exactly how he likes it. That's an issue with his libido, not with her looks.