to be absolutely gutted that my husband said this

[creepymumweirdo]

He doesn't find me "aesthetically pleasing" any more.

This is massively outing but I'm beyond caring...

I'm 34. We have a 2 year old. When my husband and I met I was a size 8/10. Now I'm a size 14/16. It's mostly around my middle, arms and massive boobs.

When my son was born I nearly died. I lost 3 litres of blood and woke up in intensive care. That was the beginning of a litany of disasters that saw me having four major operations in three months and ultimately resulted in a radical hysterectomy. I've had a premature menopause. I'm on antidepressants for PTSD and I take HRT.

Before we had our son we relocated to the part of the UK that my husband is from. I was for the move but it's not worked out as we had planned. We can't afford the house and standard of living that we thought we would. Money is really tight. He has his mum and friends from school within spitting distance. I've not made any proper friends. This has started to improve lately.

All things considered, I think I'm doing a blinding job of keeping my shit together. I have a decent part time job. I dress well. I'm interested and excited by the world. I'm passionate and enthusiastic about things. Our son is an absolute joy and I'm a good mum to him. I worked really hard to seek out some good talking therapy about what happened when my son was born (not easy to access on the NHS) and it's been proving really helpful.

This has prompted my husband and I to have some interesting, sometimes difficult but mostly productive conversations lately. I guess that's pretty normal when you're reflecting on a difficult and defining time in your life. We had one of these conversations last night, basically about our sex life. After much beating about the bush he confirmed what I have suspected for a while: that he doesn't find me physically attractive any more. "Aesthetically pleasing" were his words.

I'm trying to be understanding and rational but I'm actually devastated by this. I've worked so hard get life back on track, be a good mum and regain myself, provide for our family and keep our home running. I'm a fair bit heavier than I used to be but it's not a phenomenal transformation. I don't particularly like it but I'm trying to be kind to myself and accept myself as I am so I can change the things I don't like in a positive way rather than out of self loathing. I feel like these things don't mean anything to him.

Frankly (at the risk of sounding arrogant) I'm inclined to think he should be massively impressed that my body kept me alive and that I've achieved everything I have in the last two years despite some pretty life changing set backs. Instead I cant help but think he just looks at the extra weight and sees failure.

He said he still loves me, and fancies me because I'm me, but doesn't want sex much any more. Should this be enough? Should I think myself lucky? I want to be a sexual person again. I'm only 34!

Even if I lost the weight and (more importantly in my opinion) got fitter again, which I hope to do in my own time, I think I'll always feel that his physical affection for me is conditional. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that the desire of the man that I pledged myself to for the rest of my life is so based on how thin I am. I certainly don't want to give myself to him any more. I don't see how I can get past this.

Sorry this was son long.

Gosh, what a pickle! You have been through a lot OP, but I think you underestimate how much it might affect him. After even a slightly tricky birth, husbands can 'not want to hurt' their partners, so find a way to leave sex out for a while. Is it possible your DH would find it very difficult to want sex with you for similar reasons? Perhaps he doesn't want to simply BECAUSE you have been through so much and are hurting so much. In which case of course, he could be a bit more loving about it. Have you tried asking him if there is more to it? He says he loves you. Love and sex can separate out after a while.

OP are you there?

I'll say again, hurtful comments that lack insight and emotional intelligence cannot be excused as "honesty" and "truth".

OPs DHs loss of sexual desire within a loving relationship (he says he loves OP) with a woman he says he says he fancies, is more likely to be a problem with him. He is likely struggling with what happened and deflected some "blame".

Imagine if this was a wife telling her wounded veteran husband she didn’t find humble aesthetically pleasing.

If my dh had almost died during the process of birthing our child I’d just be thankful every day he was still here.

We’ve both put weight on since having kids. We both want to lose it. We have a plan for after the last one is born.

Neither of us would be so cruel as to say what he did.

another one here firmly in your corner, you sound fab.

him?..not so much

I think communication is the key here, talk to him and tell him how hurt you are by his stupid words and gauge his reaction...if he is shocked and ashamed, then good, if he is defiant and superior, run for the hills

I think you’re both amazing.

And I would eco what Tawdry said upthread @ 09.56.

It sounds to me as though you have a relationship that’s really worth keeping going together for.

Echo*

Sorry OP. I was typing while you were.

He was extremely insensitive, it's the sort of thing that you can't stop yourself from feeling but it's extreme unkind to say it. On the other hand, you did ask. I did the same with my DH in the early stages of our relationship, I'm a yo-yo dieter and I was slim (size 10/12). I asked him if he would have fancied me if I'd been big. He said, 'I don't like big women.' Well, I did ask.

Then 2 years later (I'd put on a couple of stone), we were on a group holiday and we had an exotic dancer entertaining our group, much to the annoyance of the wives in the group. I said to my DH, 'Oh to have a figure like that.' He said, ' You could work at it.' He was flamed by the other women in the group, who told him he should have said, 'I love you just as you are.' But that's not what he's like.

He's never said he isn't attracted to me or doesn't find me 'aesthetically pleasing', though my weight has fluctuated a lot in the 15 years we've been married.

Considering what you've been through, he was really unkind. You're amazing, the way you've come through what you have.

Why are you whining about him being honest?. He loves you and must have found saying he's not as attracted to you anymore very difficult. We all go through periods of this, you can't expect people to be attracted to things that they don't like. Life isn't that black and white.

It sounds like you are doing amazing well OP. Try not to let this damage your self esteem as it really is his issue rather than yours. If it is true that he no longer finds you attractive because you have put on a bit of weight then that makes him very shallow, particular as the weight gain is hardly surprising considering what you have been through.

My guess is that he just has reduced libido and rather than addressing this he is blaming you. Personally I wouldn't try to lose weight unless you want to do it for yourself as firstly it probably won't make any difference (he'll just find some other excuse) and secondly do you want to stay with someone who is not going to fancy you if you are not a young looking size 8 to 10? You won't look as good when you are older whether or not you lose weight now so will he fancy you then?

I would consider counselling as maybe this will make him realise that he is the one who has a problem that needs addressing. Don't blame yourself for this. It is entirely his fault, not yours.

All these people who say they wouldn't fancy their partner if they put weight on and at least he's honest - thank goodness OP has come out of the other end, it could have been a lot worse, but what if she had suffered an accident with scars as another poster has or any number of things had happened. How would those posters see their partners then or are they only worth having if in one piece and as attractive as they were years ago - he is obviously totally shallow and up his own backside. Bit worrying to think how he will be in 20 years time when age starts creeping up on OP also

The problem is that the man you marry should see you and love you for being you, not your dress size otherwise what is the point? We all grow old, grey and saggy but the inside does not change.

Should love only be for size 8 models or should it be for real imperfect people? If it's the former then most of us are screwed. OP you sound fabulous and your H is bloody lucky to have you. If he can't see that then bin him off and get someone who can.

I also suspect he has something else going on with him.

I think what would hurt me here the most is not that my dh didn't find me attractive after I'd put on weight, but the fact that he didn't have the tact and sense to hide his feelings, being brutally honest isn't always the best option and sometimes we have to be kind to the ones we love, surely that's common sense?

So much praise for this man's wonderful honesty.

He's had it easy. Poor OP has given birth, almost died, had multiple major operations, been thrown into early menopause, relocated to his area, had to make a new life for herself, manage PTSD, bring up her child...

But good on him for being honest, eh? That must have been really difficult for him.

Also, some things can't be unsaid once you've uttered the words. However loving my DH is to my DDs and me, there's always a little insecurity nudging at me when I go up a couple of dress sizes. (I was size 18 at my biggest.) He loves me for who I am, I know that, but it would have been better if he hadn't told me that.

If my partner put on a lot of weight naturally, I'd encourage him to go to the gym and eat healthier. I would not say I don't find him "aesthetically pleasing".

If my partner put on weight while taking antidepressants and HRT, almost dying after having our baby and still recovering from birth - btw, I read even a "normal birth" takes two years to 100% physically recover from, two years is nothing after a birth like yours - I would thank god he was ok.

Maybe a couple more years down the line, once of the meds and fully recovered, I'd encourage healthy eating and exercise. I STILL would not say I don't find him "aesthetically pleasing".

*off the meds

Great post Ladymelbourne that the way is should be.

But he's saying he DOES love her! Loves her enough to be honest when she asked him.

I don't think he sounds awful tbh, maybe a bit tactless but it sounds like he was between a rock and a hard place. Not like he's just come out with it.

. I asked the question and he respected me enough to be honest about it so we could work through it. He wasn't spiteful. I think he feels bad about it and defensive at the same time.

A very Difficult situation. And I bet there is a lot more tied up in his feelings than just how "aesthetically pleasing" you are.

Jesus.
What an arse.

I have gained so much weight since I met my Husband that I constantly apologise to him. (I know, that's silly and on me)

But

He would never ever say anything hurtful like that and even says yes, we could both afford to lose some weight but as far as the sex goes, it's about being with ME and about being together he enjoys.
I think I would just die inside if he said I wasn't aesthetically pleasing.

OP, what happens when you are both 80? Sorry, you are just too old?

I would be gutted too. YANBU.

I’m so sad for you, it must have been a horrible thing to hear. I am also a veteran of multiple surgeries and the knock on impacts (yours sound worse than mine,but I recognise the description. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and don’t recognise what I see. The scars and the weight and strange baggy bits. But the best thing that happened to me was a boyfriend who kissed the scars and traced the lines and snuggled the cuddly bits. He made me feel like the person that was still on the inside had a shot at being in the outside. He was lovely. Interestingly he was overweight himself and dressed very carefully to disguise it but very body confident in private.

I also gained some weight while with him through pure good living. We were having a snuggle one night and he said “you know, we’re getting fat and we need to do something about this, don’t we?”. I said “yeah, we are”. So we went swimming together and tried to drink less, etc. No fat shaming or putting me down, just an acknowledgement that we’d been overdoing it and been a bit lazy.

He worked wonders for my confidence, even if the relationship didn’t work out. But he did most of it by being a decent and loving man who didn’t expect a 40year old to look like a 20year old and realised that experience comes with its own history.

Oh OP what a hurtful and soul destroying thing for your husband to say. I too put on loads of weight after pregnancy and still haven't shifted it (5 years on) .I too have health issues that mean I can't exercise like I used to. I am trying to be kind to myself but it doesn't always work. My DH tells me it doesn't matter what I look like now and reassures me always. I would be heartbroken if he behaved like your OH. I don't know what to say to be honest and I don't know how you can move past this without some serious work ON HIS PART. He should be supporting you and you should have unconditional love imo

Sorry not to read the full thread but had to agree with other pps, based on your opening post, OP that you sound amazing, dealing with everything you have the way you have. This is so sad. I hope you find a way through that will bring you happiness.

Attraction is many things I always think. You can have he most beautifully looking person, slim, fit, nice smile etc but then HT person is an arrogant arse, not always kind Nd see how ugly that person becomes. Always makes me think of the roald Dahl statement.

I find my husband attractive for lots of reasons - he does silly dances with us and makes us all join in, he uses silly words and makes up stories, he sometimes cooks great food, we have great cuddles and chats. He is kind and helpful (He also is a pain in the bum at times ) but what I mean is that attractiveness (for me anyway) is so much more.

And yes, he is several stone heavier since we met.

We had one of these conversations last night, basically about our sex life. After much beating about the bush he confirmed what I have suspected for a while: that he doesn't find me physically attractive any more. "Aesthetically pleasing" were his words.

He said he still loves me, and fancies me because I'm me, but doesn't want sex much any more.

So basically, once backed into a corner, he admitted that the OP's change in appearance had affected the way he sees her. However, he still loves her and fancies her. I think that's the bit some PP are missing. He does love her and fancy her. He did not blurt this out in a row. When pushed, he confirmed what the OP already thought.

I don't think either the OP or her husband are being unreasonable, because I don't think reason comes into this. It's an emotional (and biological) reaction.