to be absolutely gutted that my husband said this

[creepymumweirdo]

He doesn't find me "aesthetically pleasing" any more.

This is massively outing but I'm beyond caring...

I'm 34. We have a 2 year old. When my husband and I met I was a size 8/10. Now I'm a size 14/16. It's mostly around my middle, arms and massive boobs.

When my son was born I nearly died. I lost 3 litres of blood and woke up in intensive care. That was the beginning of a litany of disasters that saw me having four major operations in three months and ultimately resulted in a radical hysterectomy. I've had a premature menopause. I'm on antidepressants for PTSD and I take HRT.

Before we had our son we relocated to the part of the UK that my husband is from. I was for the move but it's not worked out as we had planned. We can't afford the house and standard of living that we thought we would. Money is really tight. He has his mum and friends from school within spitting distance. I've not made any proper friends. This has started to improve lately.

All things considered, I think I'm doing a blinding job of keeping my shit together. I have a decent part time job. I dress well. I'm interested and excited by the world. I'm passionate and enthusiastic about things. Our son is an absolute joy and I'm a good mum to him. I worked really hard to seek out some good talking therapy about what happened when my son was born (not easy to access on the NHS) and it's been proving really helpful.

This has prompted my husband and I to have some interesting, sometimes difficult but mostly productive conversations lately. I guess that's pretty normal when you're reflecting on a difficult and defining time in your life. We had one of these conversations last night, basically about our sex life. After much beating about the bush he confirmed what I have suspected for a while: that he doesn't find me physically attractive any more. "Aesthetically pleasing" were his words.

I'm trying to be understanding and rational but I'm actually devastated by this. I've worked so hard get life back on track, be a good mum and regain myself, provide for our family and keep our home running. I'm a fair bit heavier than I used to be but it's not a phenomenal transformation. I don't particularly like it but I'm trying to be kind to myself and accept myself as I am so I can change the things I don't like in a positive way rather than out of self loathing. I feel like these things don't mean anything to him.

Frankly (at the risk of sounding arrogant) I'm inclined to think he should be massively impressed that my body kept me alive and that I've achieved everything I have in the last two years despite some pretty life changing set backs. Instead I cant help but think he just looks at the extra weight and sees failure.

He said he still loves me, and fancies me because I'm me, but doesn't want sex much any more. Should this be enough? Should I think myself lucky? I want to be a sexual person again. I'm only 34!

Even if I lost the weight and (more importantly in my opinion) got fitter again, which I hope to do in my own time, I think I'll always feel that his physical affection for me is conditional. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that the desire of the man that I pledged myself to for the rest of my life is so based on how thin I am. I certainly don't want to give myself to him any more. I don't see how I can get past this.

Sorry this was son long.

I'm outraged on your behalf OP.

I accept that there could be a chance that I wouldn't fancy my DH as much as I do now if his body changed massively (he was very athletic and slim when I met him and he still is now but if he became obese for example) but the weight gain you describe is a very small change and neither here nor there.

What a horrible and insensitive comment to make to your wife who has struggled and fought with health issues in the way you have. He should be proud of you.. And your body.

I wouldn't want sex with HIM now either after that comment. That comment would turn me right off him and disgust me.

I am not sure what your DH could say though? Do you want him to lie? I have a two year old. Relocated to DH town, lost my job, my brother, a parent, had IVF and a lot of traumatic things happen in last few years. I am suffering from pnd too but still worked hard to be a healthy weight. Hasn't improved my sex life. I wish my dh was as honest as yours.l

I'm thinking that he doesn't sound good enough for you - far too shallow. You are doing an amazing job. I wonder whether your husband would have maintained his perfect shape if his body (and mind) had been put through all the physical trauma that your has!
I would have thought that watching you go through all that, he would understand that there are no guarantees in life that everything will always be perfect - has he considered how he would feel if he had an accident and you told him he was no longer physically attractive as a result of being injured?
I don't think I would even want to get over that and spend my whole life with someone so limited.

To all the posters asking if they would like it if their husbands gained weight, it's a bit different as op hasn't really been on the snacks. Presumably it's early menopause that has led or contributed to this weight gain/change in shape. Op you sound fantastic and very intelligent. I also think you can do better. I hope you let your husband know how you feel.

Egg

A stone? A stone is nothing!

As others have said these posts divide opinion depending on who gains the weight. Desire is not automatic and he was having on honest conversation with you and loves you. There are plenty of threads where the male partner gains weight and sexual desire is lost. It happens. He loves you. The important thing is you can work together to find a solution. But him pretending everything is fine when it isn’t is hardly going to help.

Did he need to be so brutally honest. There a better ways to say it.

I'd find my husband unattractive if he gained 4 stone and vice versa. But I'd be a lot more tactful.

the problem is that we can't force ourselves to be physically attracted to someone. I don't think I would feel the same towards my husband if he was suddenly putting on a lot of weight and was completely different to the man I marry. It wouldn't mean I don't love him, but you can fall in a companionship, caring deeply for each other, without being excited the way you were before.

Of course we all changed, and without being too revealing, my DH has gained some very deep scars, but they don't make any difference for me, because his fitness is the same. It's only a few scars. Seeing him balloon up would absolutely change our physical relationship!

His mistake is to have told you, that's neither kind or necessary. For that he's very wrong.

I'm so sorry -- this must have been an incredibly hurtful thing to hear. You sound like an amazing person. Did you let your DH know how his words affected you? I think especially if someone is being brutally honest, it's helpful to be open about the impact of that honesty. Has he actually said he thinks it's up to you to change?

What a nasty little git he is. Do you really want to hang out with him for the rest of your life? You're so young, have a good think about what you want to do in the future.

I think you need to split love and sexual desire. The two are not as intrinsically linked as people wish to think.

He has told you he loves you, desires you because you are you and he has not stated he doesn't think you're amazing for what you've been through. He has simply said he doesn't find you as sexually attractive at this weight. A lot of people feel the same if their partner gains a lot of weight , at extremes here you've went from a size eight to a sixteen. That is quite a big physical difference. It seems the conversation was focused on sex not about your wider relationship or achievements. It also seems he tried to be polite about it but was honest.

I don't think we can expect our partners to find us physically attractive irrelevant of how our appearance changes, and for me I'd prefer honesty. Some would prefer otherwise.

I wouldn't be hung up on it. He has said he loves and desires you. He has simply said at this size he does not find you as physically attractive as he did. We can't control physical attraction. I would as said, try to isolate this element from his wider feelings for you and not get thr two mixed up.

So op should be grateful he's been honest, not upset that he's not seeing the bigger picture as to why she's put on a bit of weight?

Wow, I thought I had low standards.

You sound fucking amazing and I'm afraid he sounds like a div who has no idea how lucky he is.

How have you left it with him, OP. Does he know how hurt you are and how wrong he is?

I think you've articulated it so well here that you should show him what you've written.

What he said sounds shallow- and he probably does just want to be honest. The fact is he still fancies you but fancies your physical form less. It sounds shallow and it is but we can all be a bit shallow sometimes.
He should be in awe both of you and of your body.

How would you like your body to be? It doesnt sound like thin is your goal but strong. So maybe explain that to him- you're not going to be a pre-mum thin but mum strong instead.
I have something similar- but I don't have your incredibly strong story. It hurts to feel you are less desirable to someone you have always been desirable to but it made me aware of my body and what I wanted to be able to do with it in this new world i was in. Thats pretty sexy it turns out.

OP you sound absolutely amazing. My ex-husband threw me out (when I lived abroad with him) for being 'a freak' (partial mastectomy). Best move he ever could have given me!

Chin up - you are the better one!

Aesthetically pleasing -

My god, WHO says that? It has to be one of the most pretentious things I've ever heard, not to mention incredibly hurtful and insensitive.

I'm not quite sure how I could move on from that to be honest.

Poor you and your dickhead husband is awful.

Well, now, I don't know. Did he just come out with this, as in "you're just not attractive anymore, you ought to lose weight", or did you ask and he admitted it, like "I still love you and am attracted to you because you're you, but yes, you're right that the changes have affected me, I suppose there's an extent to which I find you less aesthetically pleasing, and that may have had an effect on my libido"? Because while I'd be pretty gutted either way, I do think there is a difference. If you're going to have these very honest talks in your marriage, sometimes you're going to hear hurtful things. In my case, I'm really trying to avoid telling my DH that his weight gain has affected how attractive I find him but if he asks me directly, I don't think it would be right to lie. He's still him and I'm still attracted to him but I did prefer it when he was in better shape. So. Yeah. It's a really tough one and I have a LOT of sympathy. I don't have any advice on how to get over it. Just, I wouldn't jump to "he's an arsehole" based on what you've said.

It does sound like you are doing great - everything you've mentioned would. E hard on its own, move, medical issues etc. keep going and focus on you and your son.

Whilst I understand that marriage has ups and downs, and I think it's human that attraction can wane . . but it also comes back.

Knowing this you have to work towards bettering your relationship in hard times and not making it worse. What your husband said was insensitive and also short sighted: its not something you say if you hope to rekindle the attraction again.

Wow that is so hard to hear, especially after all you've been through. I'm sorry your birth was so traumatic. I think its great you've sought help to work through what happened.

I love my husband to bits, he is in no way mean but he has also said something similar to me not that long ago (I'm 14 weeks pp). When I asked him if he found me sexually attractive ge said no, not while I'm walking round in gigantic pants with leaky boobs and the extra weight. We both laughed it off and I have to say it didn't offend me, because I had asked and I was expecting him to be honest.

I think its good you've started having deep and meaningful convos with your husband, its good to do this and be honest and talk about the things that really matter in life. If this is really how your husband feels then I think its brave that he has told you, and trued to word it as best as possible while reassuring you he still fancies and loves you.

I can understand it must be very painful to hear. From his point if view when asked he probably wasn't thinking about everything you went through. He may also have felt he needed to say it because he too wants a good sex life. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or feel proud of what you have come through. As a guy who is visually driven, he is probably thinking 2 years of past it wont harm to mention that I'm less physically attracted to her, it might help to improve things etc etc. just to play devils advocate, what if the shoe was on the other foot and you really wanted to work on sex life etc but were finding something about your husband was a bit off-putting, would you tell him or carry on pretending nothing was wrong?

Personally I prefer the truth, even when painful. That's how things grow and develop. I definitely don't think this spells the end for you guys, this could be the beginning of the next stage of growth in your relationship if you allow it.

Good luck xx

I really, really, feel for you - on two counts.

1. I've moved to a new area where my DH has lots of family and friends and it took me a while to make new friends so I know how hard that can be.

1. That you're married to such an insensitive person. My ex very much viewed my worth according to my weight and this was the main reason I didn't have children with him. I just knew he wouldn't cope with all the changes that are part and parcel of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood.

I found it incredibly difficult to be with someone who made me feel like I needed to constantly improve myself in order for him to still love me. It was exhausting.

I left ...eventually and I'm now with someone who has never made me feel like that despite carry some extra weight after having a baby. Ironically I feel more attractive now because I'm comfortable and not being judged.

It is a totally shit thing to say and shockingly shallow , he needs to realise that bodies change after children

I think he hasn't been very tactful but you wanted this discussion and pushed for an answer, would you rather he lied?

He never once said he never loved you, never found you incredible or weak and never thought any less of you. He said he didn't find you as attractive anymore, due to weight gain, which is perfectly reasonable.

Would you find him attractive if he gained as much weight? I know everyone is claiming 3/4 stone but, in my opinion, it can be much more depending on your build. I've went up a similar amount of dress sizes as you and it's actually a 5 stone gain. I'm amazed my other half still fancies me, I sure as hell don't.

Attractiveness, respect and love are not mutually exclusive.

I can understand why that’s hurt your feelings but it doesn’t sound like he’s stopped loving you because you’ve gained some weight. Just that he’s less attracted to you physically.

I wouldn’t find that hugely shocking if it were me in that situation. Of course it’s not your fault that you’ve put weight on, you’ve been through a terrible time. But if it’s a physical issue that’s causing the weight gain, it might be worth seeing your doctor. If you’re using food as a crutch (as many of us do), then it might be worth trying to work through that. If anything it might improve your health

Well done for keeping your shit together you've been through so much. A weaker person may well have crumbled after all you've been through and being able to accept and move on from the hysterectomy and early menopause takes a great deal of strength.

As for your DH's comment - I have to be honest and say I don't think he's being entirely unfair. As you've pointed you've been having a lot of productive conversations with your DH and it sounds as if he felt able to be honest with you as to how he feels about your weight gain. He still loves you, he still finds you attractive, but he preferred you slimmer. I don't think that's a terrible thing to say. My exDH gained 5 stone and I felt the same as your DH. Why don't you ask your DH to help you and make it a joint effort, eat healthily and start doing a little exercise so you get fitter. He will see you're putting the effort in and I think he will love you all the more for it. Good luck!