Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be absolutely gutted that my husband said this

456 replies

creepymumweirdo · 18/03/2018 08:32

He doesn't find me "aesthetically pleasing" any more.

This is massively outing but I'm beyond caring...

I'm 34. We have a 2 year old. When my husband and I met I was a size 8/10. Now I'm a size 14/16. It's mostly around my middle, arms and massive boobs.

When my son was born I nearly died. I lost 3 litres of blood and woke up in intensive care. That was the beginning of a litany of disasters that saw me having four major operations in three months and ultimately resulted in a radical hysterectomy. I've had a premature menopause. I'm on antidepressants for PTSD and I take HRT.

Before we had our son we relocated to the part of the UK that my husband is from. I was for the move but it's not worked out as we had planned. We can't afford the house and standard of living that we thought we would. Money is really tight. He has his mum and friends from school within spitting distance. I've not made any proper friends. This has started to improve lately.

All things considered, I think I'm doing a blinding job of keeping my shit together. I have a decent part time job. I dress well. I'm interested and excited by the world. I'm passionate and enthusiastic about things. Our son is an absolute joy and I'm a good mum to him. I worked really hard to seek out some good talking therapy about what happened when my son was born (not easy to access on the NHS) and it's been proving really helpful.

This has prompted my husband and I to have some interesting, sometimes difficult but mostly productive conversations lately. I guess that's pretty normal when you're reflecting on a difficult and defining time in your life. We had one of these conversations last night, basically about our sex life. After much beating about the bush he confirmed what I have suspected for a while: that he doesn't find me physically attractive any more. "Aesthetically pleasing" were his words.

I'm trying to be understanding and rational but I'm actually devastated by this. I've worked so hard get life back on track, be a good mum and regain myself, provide for our family and keep our home running. I'm a fair bit heavier than I used to be but it's not a phenomenal transformation. I don't particularly like it but I'm trying to be kind to myself and accept myself as I am so I can change the things I don't like in a positive way rather than out of self loathing. I feel like these things don't mean anything to him.

Frankly (at the risk of sounding arrogant) I'm inclined to think he should be massively impressed that my body kept me alive and that I've achieved everything I have in the last two years despite some pretty life changing set backs. Instead I cant help but think he just looks at the extra weight and sees failure.

He said he still loves me, and fancies me because I'm me, but doesn't want sex much any more. Should this be enough? Should I think myself lucky? I want to be a sexual person again. I'm only 34!

Even if I lost the weight and (more importantly in my opinion) got fitter again, which I hope to do in my own time, I think I'll always feel that his physical affection for me is conditional. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that the desire of the man that I pledged myself to for the rest of my life is so based on how thin I am. I certainly don't want to give myself to him any more. I don't see how I can get past this.

Sorry this was son long.

OP posts:
jwpetal · 19/03/2018 21:04

You are amazing. Your body is strong and has brought you through a very difficult time in your life. You keep doing what you are doing.

Has your husband seen a counsellor? Has he sought help? I ask this because men don't always ask for help or recognise it. Though he did not physically go through your ordeal, he was there. He saw it and lived through it. Just and idea. My husband and I still have flashbacks from when our children were born. I got help and he did not.

RidingWindhorses · 19/03/2018 21:07

I'm beginning to wonder if he's just undermining my confidence because he's too scared to even look at his own shit and is intimidated by the way I do things

I think this is perspicacious - the kind of perspicacity your DH seems to lack.

The problem with lacking emotional intelligence is that it's a really important part of overall IQ. There are plenty of men in the world who are emotionally intelligent, it's a standard gender feature (altho plenty of women assume it is) it's a personal failing.

It feels to me like he's had an encounter with real life and he can't really cope with it or the consequences. It feels like he has a narrow stereotyped idea of what a marriage should be or a wife should be, and that's gone tits up. That's why what he said to you was rude because, consciously or unconsciously he's angry with you for what has happened, for the death of his dream (which seems to be based on a very average sex fantasy).

He's blaming externals for a much deeper, more fundamental problem.

My above post wasn't clear on this point, what I wanted to express was that I feel the problem is not that how you look has changed, but how he sees you.

It feels like he's operating on quite a superficial level which doesn't really have the functionality to deal with trauma and tragedy like you've experienced.

RidingWindhorses · 19/03/2018 21:09

There are plenty of men in the world who are emotionally intelligent, it's a standard gender feature (altho plenty of women assume it is) it's a personal failing

This is meant to read: lacking it is not a standard gender feature.

ssd · 19/03/2018 21:11

what did he say after you told him that op?

RidingWindhorses · 19/03/2018 21:11

... it's a personal failing.

Original poster
creepymumweirdo · 19/03/2018 21:12

"It's not how you look that's changed, but how he sees you".

Thank you. This is what I inarticulately tried to say up thread. That's exactly it.

OP posts:
Original poster
creepymumweirdo · 19/03/2018 21:17

Riding you are quite right. It's a personality trait not a gender feature. It's a trait the women in hiss family share as much as he men.

ssd he said "ok". Which was helpful.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/03/2018 21:25

But op. Surely emotional intellligence is applicable to you too? What is it youre trying to achieve? This is where your emotional intelligence comes in. Why did you push him so hard on this, knowing the answer and knowing you wouldn't like it? What's caused you to force this through?

You wanted him to say it. You badgered till he said it. Eventually He did.but he tried to contextualise it by explaining he loved you and desired you for you. Yet you don't want to hear that part or take any notice of it. You want to sweep it under the carpet. Pretend he didn't say it.

You've now told him to leave you if he doesn't fancy you any more. Further widening the rift. Further ignoring he said he loved you and desired you for you.

Could this, and I mean this gently, be a symptom of your depression? Where you embrace rhe negative, push someone into a corner to get it, and ignore the positives, the good things?

If you don't want to be with him, then leave. If you do wish to be with him, then look at all he said. The positives and the negatives. Look at your own part in that conversation and why you pushed so hard. Also understand that living with someone with depression is hard. That watching someone you love be very ill is hard. Sure it's not as hard as it was for you, but that doesn't mean it's easy for them as some posters are making out.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 19/03/2018 21:34

I agree with Bluntness, OP. There are a lot of posters on this thread falling over themselves to urge you to crash and burn your relationship, and it seems to be what you want to hear, but unless you simply don't want to be in a relationship with him anyway, please pause before escalating things further.

PorkFlute · 19/03/2018 21:43

Saying ‘ok’ to that rather than reassuring you says it all imo.
It is up to the op if she’s happy to stay in a sexless marriage where there may be some affection (or not) but she isn’t desired. Plenty of people do but it wouldn’t be for me. You only get one life.

Original poster
creepymumweirdo · 19/03/2018 21:46

Bluntness you are right. I am aware that I pushed him and I have been asking myself if this is some kind of self sabotage. Maybe it is.

I can feel his coolness. I know he doesn't want me in a sexual way very often any more. I'm trying to understand why.

I think we might need some professional help together to better understand what's going on for the other person.

Is it possible that all those things can be true at the same time?

OP posts:
Original poster
creepymumweirdo · 19/03/2018 21:48

Pork it's entirely possible he has reassurance fatigue.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 19/03/2018 21:53

Why did you push him so hard on this, knowing the answer and knowing you wouldn't like it? What's caused you to force this through?

What a stupid question: she needs to know why he doesn't want to have sex with her!

I'm not sure why you keep plodding with the 'he fancies you' line. He said he doesn't find her physically attractive, he doesn't want to have sex with her, the line was simply a backtrack to make him not look like an arsehole. And potentially because he didn't want to face the implications of his words right then.

RidingWindhorses · 19/03/2018 21:54

I can feel his coolness. I know he doesn't want me in a sexual way very often any more. I'm trying to understand why.

Exactly. Of course you did.

RidingWindhorses · 19/03/2018 21:57

He might have given a very different answer.

Like stress, trauma, money worries - resulting in a low libido.

RidingWindhorses · 19/03/2018 21:58

You can have a hunch about something but you don't know for sure.

missiondecision · 19/03/2018 22:03

What a silly man, he doesn’t realise what a wonderful woman you are.

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2018 22:04

Is it possible that all those things can be true at the same time?

Yes, of course, and maybe your most balanced post here. Trying to see both sides.Because there are two of you in this relationship. Two of you went through s traumatic time. You're suffering and trauma was of course worse, but it can't be disputed he also would have struggled and may well still be doing so, in addition you're both adjusting to parent hood in the same time frame.

Before you throw something like your marriage or push your husband further away. A man who clearly loves you. Maybe councilling is worth considering, so you can both understand each other. In the meantime, do try to look at the whole conversation. There were many positives in this conversation from him, in fact more positives than negatives. There were also negatives from you in your behavuour.You can't simply ignore his positives and ur negatives.

And as for him saying "ok".you know what that was, I know what that was, it's someone who doesn't want to drag it out any further, who is now tired of it. many of us do that, at some point we give up and stop engaging in a particular topic because there is nothing left to say and no point.

DottyDotts · 19/03/2018 22:42

He has been honest. If he can't get it up because he doesn't find your body attractive at the moment then what else can he do other than tell you the reason why he's not interested in sex. He has been blunt of course but sounds like he just blurted it out when the conservation came up. It's not shallow really, he's expressing how he feels. He still loves you. Maybe you could ask him to help you to take time off for yourself to get fitter and plan meals together that are healthier if that's what you want.

Idontdowindows · 19/03/2018 22:51

Maybe you could ask him to help you to take time off for yourself to get fitter and plan meals together that are healthier if that's what you want.

The actual fuck?

Have you even read the thread? Seriously, THAT is what you come up with?

StaplesCorner · 19/03/2018 23:07

There were also negatives from you in your behavuour (sic)

What you mean like she nearly died having a baby? Bluntness you seem to be very invested in smugly explaining why the OP is to blame. Patronising just doesn't cover it Hmm

Lizzie48 · 19/03/2018 23:13

What negatives are you on about, Bluntness?

HelenaDove · 19/03/2018 23:52

Wow there really are some who will engage in colossal mental gymnastics to engage in penis worship.

He backtracked because he doesnt want to lose her domestic services. I bet he still sees her as good enough for those.

HelenaDove · 19/03/2018 23:59

OP has been through early menopause and is on medication.

MEDICATION Mind you ive seen similar toxic shit on here before. Like posters actually saying that other posters shouldnt be putting weight on while on steroids if only they really tried.

Bluntness100 · 20/03/2018 07:23

I clearly meant she pushed him hard during the discussion to say it was her negative. Her focusing on only thr negative words he said and none of the positives in that discussion.

It seems to me some people won't be happy on here till this woman's marriage ends. The focus on trying to make her feel as shit as possible about her husbands words is awful. He was also very positive about her and he clearly loves her and said so. They are new parents, they have both been through a hellish time, telling her to leave him or how much of a "cunt"he is, whilst Ignoring the fact he was positive mainly and she pushed him hard to say it, isn't ok.

There's actually a real person posting and she is also suffering from depression. Some of these posts must be making her feel even more shitty.