to be absolutely gutted that my husband said this

[creepymumweirdo]

He doesn't find me "aesthetically pleasing" any more.

This is massively outing but I'm beyond caring...

I'm 34. We have a 2 year old. When my husband and I met I was a size 8/10. Now I'm a size 14/16. It's mostly around my middle, arms and massive boobs.

When my son was born I nearly died. I lost 3 litres of blood and woke up in intensive care. That was the beginning of a litany of disasters that saw me having four major operations in three months and ultimately resulted in a radical hysterectomy. I've had a premature menopause. I'm on antidepressants for PTSD and I take HRT.

Before we had our son we relocated to the part of the UK that my husband is from. I was for the move but it's not worked out as we had planned. We can't afford the house and standard of living that we thought we would. Money is really tight. He has his mum and friends from school within spitting distance. I've not made any proper friends. This has started to improve lately.

All things considered, I think I'm doing a blinding job of keeping my shit together. I have a decent part time job. I dress well. I'm interested and excited by the world. I'm passionate and enthusiastic about things. Our son is an absolute joy and I'm a good mum to him. I worked really hard to seek out some good talking therapy about what happened when my son was born (not easy to access on the NHS) and it's been proving really helpful.

This has prompted my husband and I to have some interesting, sometimes difficult but mostly productive conversations lately. I guess that's pretty normal when you're reflecting on a difficult and defining time in your life. We had one of these conversations last night, basically about our sex life. After much beating about the bush he confirmed what I have suspected for a while: that he doesn't find me physically attractive any more. "Aesthetically pleasing" were his words.

I'm trying to be understanding and rational but I'm actually devastated by this. I've worked so hard get life back on track, be a good mum and regain myself, provide for our family and keep our home running. I'm a fair bit heavier than I used to be but it's not a phenomenal transformation. I don't particularly like it but I'm trying to be kind to myself and accept myself as I am so I can change the things I don't like in a positive way rather than out of self loathing. I feel like these things don't mean anything to him.

Frankly (at the risk of sounding arrogant) I'm inclined to think he should be massively impressed that my body kept me alive and that I've achieved everything I have in the last two years despite some pretty life changing set backs. Instead I cant help but think he just looks at the extra weight and sees failure.

He said he still loves me, and fancies me because I'm me, but doesn't want sex much any more. Should this be enough? Should I think myself lucky? I want to be a sexual person again. I'm only 34!

Even if I lost the weight and (more importantly in my opinion) got fitter again, which I hope to do in my own time, I think I'll always feel that his physical affection for me is conditional. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that the desire of the man that I pledged myself to for the rest of my life is so based on how thin I am. I certainly don't want to give myself to him any more. I don't see how I can get past this.

Sorry this was son long.

What a charmer! He needs a good wet kipper kiss around the chops and squirrels eating his nuts!

So sorry OP, you have done amazingly well and sound like a lovely strong independent woman. Your dh sounds like a dreamer, who does he think he should have?!? He needs a reality check and what an insensitive fool he is!

I would feel like saying something back to him like ‘well it’s funny you say that but I’m not finding you very attractive anymore as I don’t fancy insensitive arseholes.’

I wouldn't find my husband physically attractive if he put on tons of weight. What on earth do historical health issues have to do with anything?

For starters, that they're not historical?

Like others I think it is not unreasonable of him to feel less physically attracted to you. He can't help that. But he really should have been more considerate to your feelings in expressing it and frankly in considering whether to express them at all. Especially given what you and your body have been through. It's pretty selfish.

You sound amazing and really together. He is being unreasonable.

My friend's husbamd once said to her "i married a Lamborghini but now wake up with a Skoda.". He became an ex-husband.

Thing is after 20yrs together he'd grown an impressive tummy, lost his hair and looked jowly and she adored him (until that comment which was the beginning of the end).

Your body is amazing to survive that.

My post didn't come across quite how I meant it. His physical attraction to you is a personal thing and lots of people are quite shallow in terms of pure physical attraction. But it's not at all loving behaviour to have expressed it to you right now or in the way he did.

OP YOU SOUND FUCKING AWESOME!

Sorry to shout but I really think you need to hear that and believe that and your Husband should be kissing your fucking feet not being a dick about some weight!

You not only gave him a child you nearly died giving him that child and despite what you went through you've supported him in the move to where he knew people and had friends and family and you had none and you've stuck with that move even though you got so ill after giving birth.

You work and take good care of your child and you've pushed through and sought out good help for your health.

Does he honestly think he would have been able to do the same?Does he honestly think if he'd gone through the same that he wouldn't have wanted to move straight back to be around his family and friends?Does he really think after nearly dying,whilst getting better,sorting out help for his own health,looking after a child and working that he'd give a fuck about his own weight?

He needs to step back and realize what an Arse he has been and how lucky he is that you and your DS both survived and that your still living and I mean really living not only surviving which is what would have happened to alot of people if they'd been through what you've been through.

^This.

What a load of bollocks being posted about this man's honesty. I used to think total honesty in a relationship was so important and whilst I still think it is important 30 years later, I value kindness and emotional intelligence much more.

Who the fuck says "I don't find you aesthetically pleasing" to their partner in life who has gone through so much. I also have no idea what everyone is going on about saying they can fancy someone but not find them attractive. This can only be true if you judge how attractive someone is based on what it is considered conventionally acceptable to find attractive. In my mind if you fancy some, you find them attractive full stop, regardless of how 'conventionally' attractive they are.

The poster earlier who said he isn't being honest anyway is correct. As already said if he were being truly honest he would say, " I only want to have sex with a slim young woman who has not had traumatic events happen to her" That is not love and I am shocked at him many posters seem to think it is because it's is "honest" and "no-one can help who they find attractive". It almost makes me glad I have been overweight my whole life. It is a wonderful arsehole filter.

Well is he the same weight as he was when you 2 met?

My weight's been creeping up in the past year. I am addressing it now. The other day getting ready for a night out I couldn't get into a dress, turned into a bit of a farce/laugh as OH couldn't do up my dress then DD tried but failed too. In the end I had to change, whilst moaning about my weight.

Later I casually said to OH 'had you noticed I'd put on weight?". "Yeah". "Oh.. you've never mentioned it". "What for?"

A reminder to me that I was 100% right leaving my ex who took it upon himself to comment on my weight, made it clear how important it is to be super slim, and even tried to make me fast twice a week as my efforts weren't fast enough for him. I'd gone from a size 12 to a 14. He felt a size 10 would be better. OH loves me as I am, however I am.

Not saying you should LTB OP but you do need to get out how you feel. You 2 have history and family together and it's stupid of him to judge you on size. There are better ways, even supporting you by going on a health kick with you. Support, not criticise. Couples are supposed to be friends too.

I'm so sorry he said this... My ex said something like that once and then went on to moan and be sad about how I'd put on weight and he just didn't find me as attractive anymore. I'd been diagnosed as depressed a term into my first year at uni and gone from a size 8 to a size 10-12 at a push. I look back and I was tiny.

Fast forward to today, I'm married to my DH with a nearly 2 year old. When he met me I was a size 18, I'm probably I little slimmer now but still closer to a size 16 than anything. When asked what he thinks about me losing weight, he said "Well, I think you were stunningly beautiful when you were thinner back then, and you're stunningly beautiful how you are right now too. So I'd be happy whatever you decided to do."

There's such a big difference. I often feel shit about my weight, but struggle to lose weight because my ex used dieting as a way to abuse me (restricting my calories etc). My DH never makes me feel like I'd have to lose weight to be attractive to him, and that's so important to me.

If there's issues with libido, is it worth encouraging him to see his dr? I get that he may think it's not him, but it may be (as pp have suggested) that he doesn't want to admit he may have any issues.

yanbu op...

Not all men prefer young slim women. Some men love curves and some young men love older women.

Anyway ..i think that truly fancying someone has more to do with smell , pwesonalityand hormones than pure looks.

The problem op is that he wasnt tactfull. Soubds like you have low body confidence.

malificent7 I didn’t think age had anything to do with it or maybe I’ve missed something in OP’s post?

Oh when re-reading i guess it could have something to do with it? What a shallow man he is!

@PoisonousSmurf - What a charmer! He needs a good wet kipper kiss around the chops and squirrels eating his nuts 😂 note to self don't piss you off.

I went from a size 6 to a 16/18 after I met my DH (shitty side effect of a med condition) and he couldn't give a shite. I'm a big girl but I am fit and eat fairly healthy (she says while planning fish and chips for dinner 😄) and frankly if he put on weight it wouldn't bother me.

YANBU to be totally devastated by what he said. Maybe if he gently and tactfully commented on your weight because he was worried about your health it would be different but he seems pretty shallow to me.

Off topic should we include weight in wedding vows? To love and honour in sickness and health no matter your weight?

My OH told me in the cruelest possible way (during sex and on my birthday). To be honest I'll never forgive him for being so awful in his deliverance. Yes, I went on to lose lots of weight, but I still don't fell the same way about him and never will.

So, I looked better for him, but he knows neither know that I don't love him the way I should.

Op. I think it's clear now this is a subject that divides.

Camp one. Never mention my weight gain or admit to me you find me less attractive because of it. It will only hurt me.
Camp two, mention my weight gain and tell me if you find me less attractive because of it. I value your honesty.

The question I think is what will you do about it. You've three options as far as I can tell.

Lose weight and get the higher level of sexual intimacy back.
Stay as you are and forego much of the sexual intimacy with him.
Leave him

Making a big deal of it, especially when you pushed to get the answer, is not going to change the way he feeels. It will just make you both feel even more shit that you say you both feel already.

Sexual attraction is an insintinct. It's a feeling. We cannot pretend our feelings are not what they are. We cannot feel something different because someone mumsnet tells us our feelings are wrong. Or because someone else doesn't have those feelings,

So I'd move away from the fact he admitted it under duress, to what will you do about it?

Lose weight and get the higher level of sexual intimacy back.
Stay as you are and forego much of the sexual intimacy with him.

But that assumes that the weight gain has anything to do with it.I personally think it quite likely the DH just has low libido and rather than addressing this he is blaming OP which considering what she has been through is quite unforgivable.

Or camp 3 loose weight “for him” and then he finds something else wrong (grey hair, wrinkles.....) and you find him shallow and unattractive anyway.
Or camp 4 explore his lack of libido via GP/ counselling and repair the damage possibly reaffirming your respect for him.

This isn’t really about the weight. It’s about how he has chosen to communicate with her.

He feels so entitled to have a thin woman to have sex with, that his sense of entitlement has overridden any perspective he might have about what his partner has been through and is coping with, overridden any kindness or sensitivity - which is always required between partners, whatever the topic being discussed.

And his use of the phrase ‘aesthetically pleasing’ underlines this entitlement, that his male gaze should be pleased by her female form in a specific, societally-approved way, and if it isn’t, then to hell with her feelings.

OP

Atrocious you summed it up perfectly!

It seems to me that men are held to very low standards.

@AtrociousCircumstance that's an excellent post!

Op 💐