to be absolutely gutted that my husband said this

[creepymumweirdo]

He doesn't find me "aesthetically pleasing" any more.

This is massively outing but I'm beyond caring...

I'm 34. We have a 2 year old. When my husband and I met I was a size 8/10. Now I'm a size 14/16. It's mostly around my middle, arms and massive boobs.

When my son was born I nearly died. I lost 3 litres of blood and woke up in intensive care. That was the beginning of a litany of disasters that saw me having four major operations in three months and ultimately resulted in a radical hysterectomy. I've had a premature menopause. I'm on antidepressants for PTSD and I take HRT.

Before we had our son we relocated to the part of the UK that my husband is from. I was for the move but it's not worked out as we had planned. We can't afford the house and standard of living that we thought we would. Money is really tight. He has his mum and friends from school within spitting distance. I've not made any proper friends. This has started to improve lately.

All things considered, I think I'm doing a blinding job of keeping my shit together. I have a decent part time job. I dress well. I'm interested and excited by the world. I'm passionate and enthusiastic about things. Our son is an absolute joy and I'm a good mum to him. I worked really hard to seek out some good talking therapy about what happened when my son was born (not easy to access on the NHS) and it's been proving really helpful.

This has prompted my husband and I to have some interesting, sometimes difficult but mostly productive conversations lately. I guess that's pretty normal when you're reflecting on a difficult and defining time in your life. We had one of these conversations last night, basically about our sex life. After much beating about the bush he confirmed what I have suspected for a while: that he doesn't find me physically attractive any more. "Aesthetically pleasing" were his words.

I'm trying to be understanding and rational but I'm actually devastated by this. I've worked so hard get life back on track, be a good mum and regain myself, provide for our family and keep our home running. I'm a fair bit heavier than I used to be but it's not a phenomenal transformation. I don't particularly like it but I'm trying to be kind to myself and accept myself as I am so I can change the things I don't like in a positive way rather than out of self loathing. I feel like these things don't mean anything to him.

Frankly (at the risk of sounding arrogant) I'm inclined to think he should be massively impressed that my body kept me alive and that I've achieved everything I have in the last two years despite some pretty life changing set backs. Instead I cant help but think he just looks at the extra weight and sees failure.

He said he still loves me, and fancies me because I'm me, but doesn't want sex much any more. Should this be enough? Should I think myself lucky? I want to be a sexual person again. I'm only 34!

Even if I lost the weight and (more importantly in my opinion) got fitter again, which I hope to do in my own time, I think I'll always feel that his physical affection for me is conditional. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that the desire of the man that I pledged myself to for the rest of my life is so based on how thin I am. I certainly don't want to give myself to him any more. I don't see how I can get past this.

Sorry this was son long.

It’s perhaps harder for the OP to have posters justifying her H’s words and not honouring what she knows - knows in her bones - about this.

Which is - she nearly died. She suffered ill health. She is on medication. She has had trauma both physical and emotional. They have a very young DC.

And her H has pulled away and when she questioned him about this (and sometimes we do push when we know there is an issue, some issue, preventing intimacy of any kind, because these things truly matter) he told her she’s no longer ‘aesthetically pleasing’ and he doesn’t want to have sex with her really, because of that.

He can say he loves her and still fancies her but how can you still fancy someone and not want to have sex with them?

I’m not suggesting she leaves him, or doesn’t - but he has a lot of reparation to do. A lot.

As none of us were there,, as he contextualised it by saying he loved her, as she says she pushed him very hard, I fail to see how telling a depressed woman with a two year old that her husband is a cunt and she should leave him is in any way helpful.

I also fail to see why he has to do a lot of reparation for being honest after being pushed so hard. We are all entitled to our feelings. Understanding both peoples perspectives is important. Not simply he's a cunt, you should leave and make him do penance.

It's shite advice all day long.

If a woman posted this about her husband:

My husband was very ill two years ago, he's been through a traumatic time, it's been tough on all of us, due to his needs and having a young child at home . He is now suffering from depression , understandably, but it's so hard to live with and he has gained a lot of weight. Our sex life has suffered as a result. He asked my why last night, I kept telling him I loved him, I desired him, but he just wouldn't stop. Eventually I admitted I didn't find him as aesthetically pleasing as I used to. I can't help this feeling, and I'd never have told him if he hadn't pushed me so hard, but I stressed I loved him so much and that I desired him for him. I just didn't feel very sexual at the moment. Now he won't let it go. He is telling me to leave him. It's awful and I don't know what to do.

I very much doubt the responses would be "you're a cunt and he should leave you, prepare to do a lot of grovelling".

Bluntness, Atrocious - I definitely have me negatives. Don't we all. I don'the want to leave him. I don't particularly enjoyed other people calling him a cunt.

Is is validating to hear that it's not iratonal or overly emotional to be upset by what he said. It's not great that he feels the way he does or expressed it the way he did. But he does love me and it has been a he'll of a two years and i'my sure he has his reasons for saying what he did.

It was probably easier for to think that he just didn't fancy me any more because he's a shadow arse than to consider the fact that it's probably inevitable that he'll see me in a different way now and that he has lost something too, not just me. I'might glad I have considered that more now. Something to ponder and work on.

I am concerned that when high are hard his approach is to withdraw and close dialogue. That'said not going to solve anything.

This whole business has furthered my resolve that exciting need some therapy as a couple as well as individuals. I doubt he would ever go to a therapist for himself but he might surprise me.

Aaaagh! My phone!!!

OP you’re doing a great job of absorbing all these responses and thinking things through. I see you rationalising, working really hard to problem solve, find solutions, accept blame (which is perhaps not actually yours). But how hard is he working?

Bluntness I didn’t name call him, it’s easy to exaggerate to prove your point but my last post highlighted that the OP will of course make her own decision with regards to her relationship. My post was about the need for him to make reparation and put energy and thinking into it. Is he doing this?

OP without him making an effort to fix this it’s just your wonderful coping mechanisms whirring away on their own. He needs to work to fix this, if it is fixable.

Bluntness I don't see anyone encouraging OP to leave, simply analysing the situation as it stands. He has a lot of work to do.

I fail to see how telling OP her DH's comments were justified when they were not; that she simply needs to lose weight to get intimacy back - which if his perception of her has changed is not very likely; that he fancies her despite the fact he has essentially admitted he does not and moreover actions speak louder than words and OP has already sussed - I fail to see how any of this is in any way helpful.

You're trying to bend the narrative to make it mean what you want it to, rather than engaging objectively with what has been said.

to consider the fact that it's probably inevitable that he'll see me in a different way now and that he has lost something too, not just me

I don't think it's inevitable, but it may have happened here.

I don't get the impression he doesn't love you, but he needs to put in work to try to fix this. Up until now you've been doing all the work - surviving, coping, moving etc.

I hope you can persuade him to counselling and that he will engage with the process of sorting this out.

I would be surprised if your DH was NOT much changed by what’s happened. Dare I say he may have PTSD like features or some level of depression too. I do think couples counselling sounds like a good idea, if only for the fact that it gives you both a “safe space” to explore your feelings.
Other ways can be through writing letters, these are good because they can’t be interrupted and taken off track. You and he could agree to write a single or series of letters ( with a pen and paper is better than email) perhaps.

You could also think of taking some couples time where you could enjoy something together, not loaded with issues, but with a focus so you are freed from everyday worries, a play or a guided walk etc to renew you as a couple.

It is clearly very disappointing that he had responded so poorly to the attempts to discuss the problems surrounding your sex life and to supporting you emotionally in general. In my experience men can be prone to shutting down and mentally running away from problems. Although it may help them in an emergency, this can often be very damaging for them and others close to them in the long run.

You have a right to be hurt and need to express this to SAVE your relationship so that you can work to a solution and not store resentment and further reduce your confidence.

As I’ve said in previous posts, I hope you can work it out

Can i just say, I am not depressed. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is very different.

My weight gain is due to a combination of having had a baby and gone through the menopause (changes your metabolism and the way your body stores and uses fat), becoming unfit through being pretty immobile for quite a while (a hysterectomy flaws your energy and having your abdominal muscles cut through four times in three months takes a lot to come back from) not having the time to exercise as freely as I did before and not prioritising my weight over other thints like my mental health, motherhood, earning a wage.

To say that I have had some health issues, am depressed and have put on a bit of weight doesn't really give a realistic picture.

That's true, OP. I mostly haven't been depressed with my PTSD, I have been able to function and bring up 2 adopted DDs, who have both had attachment issues. I don't identify with the deep depression other people have described where they can't get out of bed, though it's left me exhausted and low, so there is some depression now, I think.

Depression is a word that people use not knowing what it actually means, like anxiety is.

I once told my H he could do with losing a bit of weight (somewhat hypocritical I know as I’m a size 16) it just came out one night when he asked me if he needed to lose some (he was a couple of stone when I met him) it was I think the worst thing I ever said and has been used frequently since when we argued. I am not sure if on that front I would ever be honest again.

Op. My apologies, I assumed as you were on ADs, it was due to depression and the PTSD was additional. Lack of understanding on my part.

Atrocious, I didn't say you did call him names, but plenty have on this thread, that was the point. He's been called every offensive name going.

Riding, again, she has been told to leave him on this thread. I was not trying to bend the narrative. I've have simply called out that he stated he loves her and has said he desires her for her, that she pushed him to say he no longer fancied her as much.

And yes, I do believe totally in honesty in relationships. If he no longer finds her as sexually attractive and she pushed him hard to tell her, I cannot see the issue here. For me, this would be fine. For others I understand they feel he should have lied or kept his mouth shut, simply on a personal level I would prefer my husband to be honest with me. I would not wish him to lie to me or hide it from me.

And to some extent I can relate to the op. I spent the first month of my daughters life in hospital, my husband had to take her home and care for her on his own, with no family support. I then had to be seen at hospital for a full year after her birth. I did not suffer from PTSD or depression although they kept a watchful eye, because apparently I was a prime candidate having my daughter effectively removed at birth, i also gained weight. However I'd rather if I asked my husband why we didn't have as much sex he told me rather than lied. We are all different.

My point is there are two sides to this. They have both been through a traumatic time. I would not underestimate what my husband went through, watching me being so ill and being home alone with a new born. My trauma did not negate his. So for me, it's not simple, they should both try to see it from the others perspective.

Not got time to RTFT but I think he was horrible to say that.

You've been through so much and yes, should be proud of what you've achieved and overcome. I bet you still look amazing - confident, strong, passionate people always do, and you can worry about weight (or not) when you feel ready.

Has nobody ever taught him not to say hurtful things? I wouldn't want honesty in this scenario. If I was to be brutally honest, I'd admit I don't find DH as aesthetically pleasing any more because he is looking a bit old these days. I would NEVER tell him this because because I love him and value his other qualities way above this. And wouldn't want to be cruel...

Bluntness your insight is really appreciated. I want honesty from my husband too. Even if the truth is hard to deal with, which in this case it is, if I didn't know it we couldn't even begin to work it out between us.

I'm sorry that you went through what you did. I'm impressed by your ability to defy the odds. I was in hospital for the best part of a month too and my DH had to bring our son home and care for him alone. I know he was terrified. He insists he's fine now and remains largely unchanged by the experience.

My trauma was more to do with the fear and physical things I experienced while in hospital and at home. It was gothic. Being unable to care for my son as I would have liked to has fed into all kinds of guilt complexes that have muddied he waters when trying to process other stuff or trust my own judgement.

My OP was to ask if I was BU to be gutted by his answer, not if he was BU to have said it. I've concluded that it's not unreasonable to be gutted, hurt or angry, but that it would be unreasonable to blame him entirely for feeling this way, or telling me when I asked. How our perspectives change when we've been through trauma can't be underestimated. It's complex.

I've also concluded that it would BU of him, having said that, to not be willing to explore this a bit more, probably with professional help. He can sometimes be guilty of backing away from things he find emotionally challenging.

(He heads straight for things he find physically challenging because he likes to improve his abilities. You could say I do the same with emotional things and run from the physical ones! It's one of the ways we are different but also why we have worked so well before and got this far.)

Neither him refusing to talk about it or me being outraged or indignant about what he said is going to do our relationship any good. I wouldn't have been able to see this as clearly or readilly without your help so thank you again.

You sound brilliant, I really admire your resolve and strength of character. Your DP, on the other hand, should be bloody ashamed of himself. I'd advise you to discuss this situation with your counsellor.

What a bastard. I think you sound beautiful, and most people would agree.
Some men are pathetic and only like tiny girls, something thats quite worrying really

OP what would you like from him in counselling ? He has told you when pressed that he doesn't find you sexually attractive at the present time. Maybe that's as simple as it is for him. It's disturbing to be told this of course but he has been honest. No one wants to feel unattractive to their partner/husband and it's difficult to process that they don't love us however we look but it's the sex in a relationship that defines it from all other relationships. Without sex it's just friendship. It's not like the unconditional love we have for our children, parents and friends. It's sex that is the glue. Yes we can go without it for periods of time when one is unwell or physically incapable or both of you just don't want it and if that is something both are happy with then that's fine too. However you don't want a sexless relationship and he obviously isn't happy with not desiring you as he used to. You have both been through so much already. Since the lack of sex and not being desired is an issue for you and not desiring you is an issue for him how do you want to move forward with this?

None of us other than OP really know her partner

It could be Op pushed her partner for an answer and he naively confessed his feelings but understanding the upset it would cause

On the other hand what i would say is other than if your partners family are providing you and your son with large amounts of support it does appear you have sacrificed a lot for your partner - nearly died and suffered ongoing issues as the result of having his child (yes I know it’s OP child too), moved house to a new location which suits him far more than you. Found yourself a new job. You are suffering with menopausal symptoms despite being only a young woman and with this perhaps added regret over loss of future fertility

You are and have recently dealt with a lot of stuff - take care of you

If you feel you would like and be able to take steps to regain your fitness levels and lose some weight and you see this as a priority then why not ask your partner to help in some way such as have your son to enable you to go to the gym or whatever

*Not understanding the upset it would cause

Yes, you are right to be gutted by his answer. I also think that you had so many responses because a lot of people were surprised by his answer.
You both went through a lot!!! And I would expect difficulties with sex life at this point but because you are exhausted, because of lack of sleep, because of money worries, etc.
His attitude is quite worrying. There will be always someone slimmer, fitter, younger... and the grass will be greener. His words are lack of maturity for me, and it looks like he didn't share problems with you hard enough last few years.

Op, your last post shows a lot of insight and I think is much healthier than lashing out. Of course it's reasonable, if not expected, to feel gutted. It could also be considered reasonable for him to be honest with his wife about his feelings when pushed.

As for the guilt at being ill. That's a strange one, as I didn't feel that, but I felt a huge amount of empathy for my husband and was as concerned as I could be given the circumstances that there was no support for him.

An example. Even the health visitor didn't visit them. The visits didn't start till I was discharged, as far as they were concerned, if mum was in hospital that was it. My daughter wasn't weighed, she wasn't checked up on, nothing in her first month, there was simply no support for a father who has to take his new born home.

Men are supposed to be resilient, to get on with it. But in reality most people would be deeply affected by it. You couple in the fact your spouse is deeply ill and may not survive, and it's the perfect storm.

I honestly think open communication and tolerance/understanding on both sides helps you build a deeper and more loving relationship. And with that, attraction on both sides grows again.💐

I have ended a 6 year relationship before because my partner had put on a considerable amount of weight and was no longer sexually attractive to me. You can't force yourself to fancy someone no matter how hard you try.

Pria must have been hard but at least you ended it rather than took the often traveled route of an affair as a way of exiting.

There always be a couple of random posters saying ltb on any thread Bluntness Your post implied that the general advice was to leave when it has been nothing of the sort.

I believe in total honesty. I don’t think DH was honest in his attributing to superficial causes issues that have much deeper more complex roots. Nor in his choice of words which subtly hold the OP repsonsible for these issues while failing to address his own attitudes.

The part that was honest is being subtly recast in parenthesis not to mean what it said in face of the evidence of his actions and OP's gut feeling. So I don't think you are being honest with yourself about the implications of DH's words and actions, in contrast to the OP, who is being admirably honest and even-handed. Indeed she is bending over backwards to understand his POV. Is he doing that for her?

I hope for OP's sake this can be fixed. But weight loss is not the answer - he needs to step up in terms of emotional engagement with OP and the problems in their relationship. Not to back away and refuse to discuss it. The impetus has to come from him, OP can't force him to deal. Understanding can only grow if he is willing to make the effort.

Pria must have been hard but at least you ended it rather than took the often traveled route of an affair as a way of exiting.

I love it. A manus honest with his wife that he isn’t as attracted to her, but he loves and desires her and doesn’t even talk about ending the relationship and MN says he’s a total c*nt.

A woman ends her marriage because her husband put weight on and she wasn’t attracted to him anymore and that’s fine.