to be absolutely gutted that my husband said this

[creepymumweirdo]

He doesn't find me "aesthetically pleasing" any more.

This is massively outing but I'm beyond caring...

I'm 34. We have a 2 year old. When my husband and I met I was a size 8/10. Now I'm a size 14/16. It's mostly around my middle, arms and massive boobs.

When my son was born I nearly died. I lost 3 litres of blood and woke up in intensive care. That was the beginning of a litany of disasters that saw me having four major operations in three months and ultimately resulted in a radical hysterectomy. I've had a premature menopause. I'm on antidepressants for PTSD and I take HRT.

Before we had our son we relocated to the part of the UK that my husband is from. I was for the move but it's not worked out as we had planned. We can't afford the house and standard of living that we thought we would. Money is really tight. He has his mum and friends from school within spitting distance. I've not made any proper friends. This has started to improve lately.

All things considered, I think I'm doing a blinding job of keeping my shit together. I have a decent part time job. I dress well. I'm interested and excited by the world. I'm passionate and enthusiastic about things. Our son is an absolute joy and I'm a good mum to him. I worked really hard to seek out some good talking therapy about what happened when my son was born (not easy to access on the NHS) and it's been proving really helpful.

This has prompted my husband and I to have some interesting, sometimes difficult but mostly productive conversations lately. I guess that's pretty normal when you're reflecting on a difficult and defining time in your life. We had one of these conversations last night, basically about our sex life. After much beating about the bush he confirmed what I have suspected for a while: that he doesn't find me physically attractive any more. "Aesthetically pleasing" were his words.

I'm trying to be understanding and rational but I'm actually devastated by this. I've worked so hard get life back on track, be a good mum and regain myself, provide for our family and keep our home running. I'm a fair bit heavier than I used to be but it's not a phenomenal transformation. I don't particularly like it but I'm trying to be kind to myself and accept myself as I am so I can change the things I don't like in a positive way rather than out of self loathing. I feel like these things don't mean anything to him.

Frankly (at the risk of sounding arrogant) I'm inclined to think he should be massively impressed that my body kept me alive and that I've achieved everything I have in the last two years despite some pretty life changing set backs. Instead I cant help but think he just looks at the extra weight and sees failure.

He said he still loves me, and fancies me because I'm me, but doesn't want sex much any more. Should this be enough? Should I think myself lucky? I want to be a sexual person again. I'm only 34!

Even if I lost the weight and (more importantly in my opinion) got fitter again, which I hope to do in my own time, I think I'll always feel that his physical affection for me is conditional. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that the desire of the man that I pledged myself to for the rest of my life is so based on how thin I am. I certainly don't want to give myself to him any more. I don't see how I can get past this.

Sorry this was son long.

I’d say the camps are broadly divided into the thick shallow ones who think this is all about weight, and that OP just has to hit the treadmill for DH to get his mojo back; and the other 90% who realise it’s a lot more complicated than that.

Great posts from Atrocious and BumblingBovine.

My friend's husbamd once said to her "i married a Lamborghini but now wake up with a Skoda

OMG! Not only massively insensitive, rude, hurtful and just cuntish but he actually thinks a Lamborghini is preferable to a Skoda. Says it all.

“Aesthetically pleasing” is an very loaded phrase, is it not? It places blame on OP and suggests her job is to be sexually “pleasing” to him and she had failed in this.

It almost expresses the whole of male entitlement in two words.

He probably didn’t mean it to, but boy it said a lot!

It places all the blame on the OP, and posters are right to flag the inherent entitlement.

My reading is that this is a combination of factors - the fact that as a couple they have been through such immense stress and trauma, including money worries, which in turn may have affected his libido, that OP has ongoing health issues including an early menopause which may affect the way he sees her sexually, she's put on a bit of weight and he may be one of those shallow men who prefer skinny women (I'm skinny btw I have no axe to grind there - it isn't particularly attractive).

All of this has affected the relationship including the physical side, unsurprisingly. Rather than own that, and be truly honest, DH chosen to blame OP's physical appearance.

I think it's more likely that he sees her differently now, a traumatised mother has replaced his pert slim sex kitten.

I cannot get my head around a man who would say what he did to a woman who almost died bearing his child and now can't have any more children. It's narcissistic and inhumane.

The OP's DH definitely worded it very badly, to say that she's not 'aesthetically pleasing' is very insulting and I know I would find it hard to get past that. I was hurt when my now DH said that he didn't like big women when we were in the early stages of our relationship because I knew it meant he wouldn't have fancied me if I'd been bigger, which I've been at a number of times in my life.

The difference was, he was talking in theory, he's never said anything negative about my appearance since, or shown any indication that he's noticed my fluctuations in weight (although he probably has).

He was very crass, but at least he was mortified about it.

“Aesthetically pleasing” Sounds like a description of the interior of a house and not how you’d describe a human being!

The question the op needs answered is not whether she can alter herself to fit his template - which seems too inflexible to accommodate the changes which will happen for any long term partners - but whether he can meet her needs.
She has got through real difficulties with great courage. She is entitled to personal happiness. Can he provide that? That’s what she needs to explore.

I'm surprised this head has run for so long. Most responses have been really useful. It's good to gain different perspectives.

Someone said recently up thread that it's more about how he can meet my needs than anything else. I think that's true. I pushed him for an answer and I didn't like but but I'don't always rather know the truth. At least then you know what you're working with.

DH is an intelligent man and he's kind but it's fair to say empathy and emotional intelligence aren't his greatest strengths. He rather stumbled over his words. I do agree with posters that have said he has tried to back pedal.

I've been thinking about things a lot the last couple of days. DH has definitely seen me as a patient a lot over the last two years. I've been quite needy I suppose. He's seen me with all kinds of tubes hanging out of everything. He's seen me short tempered and bitter, sat on the sofa feeling sorry for myself, eating or drinking too much at times before I got the help I needed to turn things around. It must have been very draining. Maybe that's what he means when he talks about aesthetics: that he'should not able to objectify me sexual lying the way he did when we first met. I'might not sure I want him to, or even if he should ever have done so. I do think there are other complex and loving feelings that go along side this. But if this were the case I guess i'd kind of get that.

It doesn't solve the problem though. If the issue is that he sees me as weak or vulnerable or fragile and doesn't find me attractive because of that, do I always have to be strong for him to think i'm sexy? That's hard work over a life time. And it shows a staggering lack of empathy.

Ultimately I want his respect, and for our sex life to take off from there. I don't respect him all that much for the way he 's expresses these feeling to me.

Oh crikey. So many typos! Sorry for the inarticulate ranting!

OP your H's intelligence is questionable and his comment has highlighted your two different relationship approaches in a nutshell. He may be saying all kinds of sorry things now but you can't unhear those words and what they mean.

How someone treats you when you are ill shows very clearly how they feel about you, and you may find that there are things about his life that you are going to find out.

IIWM I would reject being seen as a sex object whose feelings count for little and not an equal partner. I also would tell him he can drive his Skoda off into the sunset - a Lamborghini may be way out of his budget if he's living on his own in future. But he's your DH, you probably won't be doing that because you feel vulnerable.

It is not nice to hear, but looking at it from his point of view, if he doesn't fancy you, he doesn't fancy you. I presume that he found you attractive before getting you pregnant. If the shoe were on the other foot, would you still find him attractive, if he grew a giant beer belly ?

Dad do you think a beer belly is comparable to a woman who's given birth, almost died, been in intensive care, and been medically thrown into a premature menopause?

She's not just thought 'fuck it, let's open more wine and chocolate and really get this stomach popping'.

OP your last post reinforces the impression that he is a selfish, shallow arse.

Your description of what you went through physically, your fragility and emotional turmoil - he should be your rock, not turn on you and let you know he no longer fancies you.

What he if gets cancer in a few years? Bloats up, loses his hair...will you gently let him know that he’s no longer aesthetically pleasing to you? What sort of a person would do that?

I know it’s slighrly different but it’s the same principle.

I mean, really...who does that? Someone so selfish and entitled that they feel secure in doling our that kind of trust-destroying cruelty.

It is not nice to hear, but looking at it from his point of view, if he doesn't fancy you, he doesn't fancy you. I presume that he found you attractive before getting you pregnant. If the shoe were on the other foot, would you still find him attractive, if he grew a giant beer belly ?

Getting a beer belly and what OP has endured!

I am actually laughing at your crass comparison!

Ridiculous statement!

OP you deserve to be loved for the person you are.
My DH was in ICU for a month, was that close to dying, not in any way pretty. I took months off work to nurse him when he got home.
I still love, fancy and have sex with him. To say to him what was said to you is unthinkable.
He needs to really explore his own feelings and you deserve a fully loving partner.

Men like dadishere would complain about a womans weight and then complain about any loose skin after weight loss. Because men like this always find fault.

Oh and dadishere I had the best sex of my life with an overweight man.

Men like that will complain about postnatal stretch marks I bet as well...

Yes probably, because their wives' bodies are not 'aesthetically pleasing'. Who actually would say something so crass??

Op you sound a lot more intelligent and mature than your partner. Clearly it’s a snapshot we see here but query if he’s capable of functioning at your level?
You can’t go through life humouring and “managing” someone whose grip is less than yours is.

cupcake I do query it. That's my worry. I'might a bit tired of making allowances for his emotional illiteracy. You think you know someone but theven events have changed us both. I guess that's why couples who go through a trauma together often end up breaking apart. They handle it in totally different ways.

I'm beginning to wonder if he's just undermining my confidence because he's too scared to even look at his own shit and is intimidated by the way I do things.

Before we went to bed last night I told him that if he ever finds himself just plain old not attracted to me anyone that he should do me the courtesy of letting me know, because he deserves to be happy and I certainly don't want to be married to someone my whole life who either pities me or thinks they're doing me a favour by sticking around.

I have a feeling it's just a matter of time.

Forgive me, i'my on my phone and it appears to be helpfully chucking a few extravwords in on my behalf!

Is it a cardinal sin to bump things on MN? I'm a bit stumped.

????

And what was his reply to that OP?

I'd say don't rush into anything just because you have a lot of outraged MNers on your side telling you to LTB now. We don't know the whole story despite you having written quite eloquently about your ordeal and recovery. But only you know your Dh and your own feelings about the relationship. So take some time to think things over and make the right choice for you.