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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Changing rooms - who was unreasonable?

299 replies

Loobyloomicles · 16/03/2018 17:16

Not the 90s decorating programme, but a question about boys in female changing rooms.

My 7 year old nephew regularly goes to swimming lessons, my Dad (his GF) usually takes him but the other week my Mum (GM) did instead. After swimming, mum took nephew to the female changing rooms as there are no family/unisex ones. He was having a quick shower post swim, mum was just round the corner getting his towel and clothes and heard a woman telling him off, asking why was he there (to which he replied 'Grandma told me to!') and that he was 'a naughty little boy' to be in the girl's changing rooms. My mum went straight back and got a mouthful off the woman, who was going on about how inappropriate it was.

My mum was angry that the woman had upset my nephew, rather than taking it up with her first. However, she felt bad about him using the girl's shower. She has decided that at the moment she will continue to use the cubicles in the girl's changing rooms if it's just her but will not get nephew to have a shower.

So who is being unreasonable here? Personally I think it's the leisure centre - for not having a family changing room/shower but I also feel that the woman was being a bit oversensitive, especially when considering that my nephew looks really young for his age (often gets mistaken for a 5 year old).

OP posts:
hazeyjane · 17/03/2018 08:56

Oh don't be so bloody daft. Fortunately I am able to have far more nuanced conversation about this with my children than I can on here!

bruffin · 17/03/2018 09:52

Ours had a really good refit.
Went from a mens, womens and another with a disabled and family cubicles.
Refitted with a changing village. Loads of cubicles, large one for schools , baby cubicles and 5 private showrs and about 10 normal showers. Unfortunately the refitters did a bad job and theyve had to redo tiling etc. But a huge improvement on previous.

CreamEggEnthusiast · 17/03/2018 09:59

8 is the cut off usually. The woman was so out of order telling him off the poor lad

upsideup · 17/03/2018 10:01

So many people so concerned bout the poor 7year old boys. Makes me sick. What about the women and girls that the changing room is there for in the first place? Keep males out of female spaces

Its not just for females though!!! The female changing room toilets is for women and children of both sex, same with the mens.
Thats how it is, a 7 year old girl and a 7 year old boy are both equally allowed in the females or male toilets. If you dont like then get changed in the cubicles or dont go swimming, its not the job of a 5 year old boy to have to accomidate you.

Greenyogagirl · 17/03/2018 11:35

Oh my days he was a child in the pool shower, not a hairy middle aged trucker waving his penis about!

CompleteAisling · 17/03/2018 12:18

So many people so concerned bout the poor 7year old boys. Makes me sick. What about the women and girls that the changing room is there for in the first place? Keep males out of female spaces

Makes me sick that you put 7 year old boys in the same category as adult men. Thats who we want out of female spaces. Not our children! If that is your logic you must object to two and three year old boys in the womens changing area? WTF are they supposed to do, not swim to make you comfortable?

If you are threatened by small boys there is something wrong with you. And if your small girls are threatened you have taught them badly and have failed them. It's your issue, not the small boys.

ShotsFired · 17/03/2018 12:19

Well, not yet, @Greenyogagirl.

@StepAwayFromGoogle Perhaps this is a chance to have a conversation with your daughters about the difference between nakedness as a CHILD and an ADULT.

That is exactly the point. My adult woman body is very different to his male child body. I prefer not to expose mine to anyone of that age/sex whether I know them or not. Is that really such a dreadful thing?

CompleteAisling · 17/03/2018 12:19

No. But its your issue, not his.

Greenyogagirl · 17/03/2018 12:32

Exactly, you could use a cubicle etc and he’s a child he’s not interested in your body

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 17/03/2018 12:40

One of the best ways to stop small boys and girls staring at naked bodies in swimming pool changing rooms is to normalise the adult body it by being open at home. I’m not suggesting strutting around the house particularly, but right from when they are little let them wander in and out of the bathroom & bedroom when you are showering or getting changed. It’s not surprising they tend to stare if they’ve not seen adult naked bodies before.

ShotsFired · 17/03/2018 12:41

But I am in MY changing rooms where I have paid my fees to be able to use the facility for women. He's there really as a "courtesy", for want of a better word.

Why should my completely reasonable wishes be subservient to his? He's smaller/the minority/guest here, not me, so maybe he should be the one in the poky cubicle (if it's even available, which may not even be the case).

CompleteAisling · 17/03/2018 12:44

No, his mother is in her changing room for which she has paid fees, and possibly fees for him as well. He is as allowed to be there as you are.

You have the issue with a small child and changing. It's your issue. You are the one that needs to do something about it.

Somebody being smaller than you or a minority does not mean you get to push them around or into cubicle [hmm

BikeRunSki · 17/03/2018 12:45

The child in the changing rooms has also had his lessons paid for though.

ShotsFired · 17/03/2018 12:45

@Slightlyperturbedowlagain One of the best ways to stop small boys and girls staring at naked bodies in swimming pool changing rooms is to normalise the adult body it by being open at home. I’m not suggesting strutting around the house particularly, but right from when they are little let them wander in and out of the bathroom & bedroom when you are showering or getting changed. It’s not surprising they tend to stare if they’ve not seen adult naked bodies before.

Fair point, but what is happening here is that it is MY naked body that is the one being stared at(and yes it has happened for exactly these reasons). I have every right not to want that. Or do pp think I don't, just because they are ok with it?

Greenyogagirl · 17/03/2018 12:45

Some 7yos need help and support in getting dry/dressed etc why should he miss out just because you don’t want a child in ‘your’ changing room. Plus he was in the shower, there’s not usually showers in cubicles he could use

CompleteAisling · 17/03/2018 12:47

You do have a right not to want that. You do not have the right to remove people who are allowed to be there.

I think you severely overestimate how much a child wants to look at you. They are probably just reacting to your obvious hostility.

Sleepyblueocean · 17/03/2018 12:51

"He's there really as a "courtesy", for want of a better word."

If he is under the cut off age he has much right to be there as you do.

Greenyogagirl · 17/03/2018 12:51

My 8yo goes into the ladies and changing rooms with me. I’m a single mum and he needs my support, I’m not going to let him miss out because someone is over sensitive. Honestly no one cares how you look, if you’re naked or whatever, people, including children, are more interested in what they’re doing. He was in the shower probably thinking life is so unfair because he didn’t want to go home when a hostile woman was so nasty to him, probably scared him half to death!

kalapattar · 17/03/2018 12:51

Fair point, but what is happening here is that it is MY naked body that is the one being stared at(and yes it has happened for exactly these reasons

What's the difference between a 7 year old boy staring at your body and a 7 year old girl staring at your body?

ShotsFired · 17/03/2018 12:53

Tbh, I don't want or expect to have any child looking at me at all when I am naked in that situation.

It's moot for me now anyway as I resigned my membership of that venue partly due to the issue, but it's a shame that people dismiss genuine and reasonable concerns so readily - when as has been said, the answer is actually to go after the venue to provide better facilities.

I wish you all a pleasant weekend but I shall leave this thread now. Flowers

CompleteAisling · 17/03/2018 12:54

So you don't want 7 year old girls in your changing rooms either? Or, in fact, anyone?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 17/03/2018 12:55

Or do pp think I don't, just because they are ok with it?
Actually though I’m fine with nakedness for good reason at home I’m not ok with any strangers, including other women, staring at my body, so I change for swimming with the minimum of fuss and flesh on show because it’s quite easy to do this. I’d also like to be able to use the changing rooms myself without being subjected to acres of other women’s flesh. No one needs to parade around (and use the hairdryer etc while naked, which I’ve come across more than once, put some underwear on FFS) Most of the changing rooms I get to use are pretty grim, and most people just get changed, mind their own business and get out of there.

TheBrilliantMistake · 17/03/2018 12:57

Don't forget, it's actually uncomfortable for a man to be in a male changing room when a young child is alone. Maybe a solution would be for a member of staff to be present in the changing rooms, at least that way there's a 3rd party present etc?

It's such a bloody sad situation when perfectly normal men and women are made to feel uncomfortable by the presence of children (of either sex) thanks to sex offenders. For men especially, we dare not approach a child who's fallen, or needs some help - the potential repercussions are horrendous.

In reality, 99.9% of the time there is really no issue, but that 0.1% is having such a detrimental effect on everybody.

Sleepyblueocean · 17/03/2018 13:01

"My 8yo goes into the ladies and changing rooms with me."

If the cut off age for the changing room is 8 he really shouldn't be in there. My older son still needs support so we had to switch to a pool that had the facilities.

Greenyogagirl · 17/03/2018 13:05

We’ve never been asked to leave anywhere. I’d hope most adults are understanding enough to be ok with it but Where we go now (we moved house recently) is a mixed changing room anyway Smile