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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at friend who got herself fired after I recommended her for the job?

156 replies

Trovi · 16/03/2018 16:22

Hi all, I work in a middle management position at a multinational company. I have been here for a few years and I think I have built a solid reputation for myself.

A couple of months ago a dear friend of mine whom I have been knowing for a few years, found herself unemployed. She is 27 and, after trying to make it as an actress in her very early 20s, she had been working in waitressing/ shop assistant type of jobs. She was desperate to get a professional job and start a "proper" career (whatever that means) and she asked for my help to get a job at my organisation.

I had to pull quite a few strings as her CV was frankly not qualified for any office-based position, but I managed to get her an interview for an entry level position. I happily recommended her to the hiring manager, who is my peer, who decided to give her a chance in spite of her lack of qualifications and hired on a generous salary for the position.

5 weeks into the job, she told me she was going out to London (we are based 1 hour by train from London) for a night out with friends on a Wednesday. Much to my dismay, the next morning she did not show up at work and didn't contact me or her manager to explain what happened. Her manager and I got really worried as we thought something terrible might have happened to her. She did not pick up the phone or got back to our texts for the whole day.

That evening, she finally called me back and said that she got wasted on her night out, ended up having a ONS with a guy in London and woke up very late and hungover the next morning. Apparently she did not think she should have reached out to her manager or me to give us a heads up. She said she was "too hungover to think" Hmm

I was genuinely furious with her for carrying herself so unprofessionally barely a month into a new job I recommended her for, on top of making me sick with worry. She genuinely did not understand why I was so upset, as she did not think it was a big deal at all and "she just had some fun, people make mistakes every once in a while and it is fine".

The next morning she came in at work and her manager pulled her into a room and essentially fired her. Apparently her work had been ok but not stellar, and this incident was serious enough to make her manager reconsider the decision to hire her. Her manager also talked to my manager, who then mentioned to me that perhaps the next time I recommend someone I should be more careful about who I recommend.

Now I feel frustrated and upset that I gave my word and damaged my credibility at work, to help my friend get a job, and she wasted the opportunity and put me in a tricky position at work. My friend is devastated by her manager's decision to fire her, and she can't believe how "unfairly" she has been treated. She is even threatening to involve a lawyer! On one hand I am sorry for her, but honestly I am incredibly annoyed by how childishly and unprofessionally she behaved and I think she wasted her chance.

AIBU to be very annoyed at my friend? Or should I be more sympathetic?

OP posts:
Trills · 17/03/2018 11:16

I trusted her and her motivation to develop a career.

I think you were perfectly reasonable to recommend her.

Is disappearing for a day (when she's expected to be somewhere) and not contacting anyone in character for her? I'm assuming not, or else you wouldn't have recommended her for the job.

Technonan · 17/03/2018 17:47

You did behave unprofessionally in recommending her for the job. You knew she wasn't qualified, and what you say about her life before the job suggests she wasn't ready for that kind of professional commitment. It took the job away from someone who would have valued it - it's clear she was only appointed because of your recommendation. You're right to be angry with her, but your company is right to be a bit pissed off at you. And it looks as though she might make trouble for them.

Grandma2002 · 17/03/2018 17:59

ModreB has it right on the nose! Obviously a case of actressy histrionics.

Redland12 · 17/03/2018 18:42

I recommended a friend for a job once, worst thing I ever did. Never again. YANBU.

howrudeforme · 17/03/2018 19:11

Techno - no she wasn’t unprofessional to recommend her. HR must have gone through professional procedures to ensure candidate met criteria enough to employ.

Bettyartist · 17/03/2018 19:56

YANBU. She could at least have rung in to say she had food poisoning. If I were you, I'd let your company know that you realise that you made an error of judgement and you will learn from it. And I'd drop her. Like a stone. She doesn't give a shit about you.

shewhomustbeEbayed · 17/03/2018 20:24

It sounds as if this sort of behaviour wouldn’t have mattered so much in the other jobs she has worked in so maybe she didn’t realise the repercussions. It doesn’t sound like she’s ready for the level of responsibility.

SkaPunkPrincess · 17/03/2018 20:28

I did this once same thing happened in essence.

This reflects worse on her than you. Unless you lied about her to your boss to get her to hire her you recommended her in good faith anyone sensible would not think badly of you for that.

Thinkingofausername1 · 17/03/2018 20:42

It's the same theory as don't make friends with colleagues.

CloudPop · 17/03/2018 20:49

Suggest a frank conversation with your manager to explain you made an error of judgement and have learned from it. Sympathy - awful situation to find yourself in

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 17/03/2018 20:53

Yanbu. Your friend sounds like a tool tbh.

I don’t know how U you were for recommending her tbh. I guess all you had to go on was how you knew her personally, as you have never worked with her before. Regardless, I actually think your company were really silly to hire someone who clearly wasn’t qualified for the job. Why would any sensible person do that, based purely on the say so of one of their employees who had never even seen this person at work in an office, let alone managed them? What information were you really in a position to provide them with other than “she’s my mate”? I imagine they will think twice another time!

saison4 · 17/03/2018 20:56

it's a lesson. work and friendship to mix well. keep.these separate in the future!

Blueink · 17/03/2018 21:50

Apart from probably taking your recommendations with a pinch of salt in future, no harm was done to your career.
This reflected on her character, which you could reasonably be expected to vouch for as her friend, rather than her standard of work. It seems you didn’t really know her or weren’t the friends you thought you were.
Both of you showed poor judgement, yours was to recommend her in the first place & hers was travelling in to London for a mid week binge & apparent lack of accountability since.
Lessons learned, don’t waste your energy being annoyed.

FaveNumberIs2 · 17/03/2018 22:57

Your friend is an idiot but you cannot be blamed or held responsible in any way. Yes, you put her name forward but it was not your decision to take her on and she’s not under your control, she’s an adult and responsible for herself.

So I think your manager was also being unreasonable for having a dig at you.

Teacher22 · 18/03/2018 06:55

One of the most horrible lessons people learn as they grow older is not to trust others and this story is an illustration of the point,

I do not trust anyone, ever, for anything unless I have seen they are fit to be trusted but this makes me rather calculating which is an unpleasant and ungenerous characteristic in most others’ eyes.

I think the mature approach is to assess the person who is to be trusted. I imagine that the friend in the story whose character might have been hinted at by her pursuing acting at the age of 29, gave off other hints that she was a ‘flaky’ type. Certainly now she has proved she is irresponsible by going on a mid week binge night when she is working and indulging in a ONS. Not being aware she was letting down the friend who vouched for her is also a sign of selfishness and immaturity. She sounds like a badly brought up teenager.

No YANBU but it is a sad lesson to learn and you will have to be less trusting in future. There really is no such thing as fairies, alas.

Rumpledfaceskin · 18/03/2018 07:04

You knew she wasn’t suitable, your boss knew she wasn’t suitable. I’m surprised that they could employ her if there were other more suitable candidates. More fool you both.

daisychain01 · 18/03/2018 07:20

my company has a formal referral system in place and we are encouraged to recommend.

Ah the good old corporate Referral scheme - the very definition of sponsored nepotism!

Of course companies will encourage it - they would do wouldnt they when they stand to save x £000s on agency fees, and the reputational risk sits squarely in the lap of the referrer. What's not to like.

All for £300. Not worth it - we regularly get HR emails offering a 'bounty scheme' reward. I hit delete.

HappyEverIftar · 18/03/2018 07:24

I did not know about "reach out"! To be honest, English in not my mother tongue so I often don't pick up the nuances between different terms with similar meanings. Sorry!

Your English is better than a great deal of what I read on here OP.

^^

Curious1981 · 18/03/2018 07:29

She’s a good friend?

I’m surprised you didn’t grasp that this would be a likely event.

Curious1981 · 18/03/2018 07:31

Daisychain

he reputational risk sits squarely in the lap of the referrer.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

A shit employee is going to reflect very badly on the company itself. That fact that referred internally is completely irrelevant from the client’s perspective.

Slartybartfast · 18/03/2018 07:33

To me is seems strange that they fired her after one event
no warning or anything,
is that fair?

DragonflyInn · 18/03/2018 07:35

OP, what's done is done but in your shoes now I'd be thinking about repairing any damage to my professional reputation. I.e. an email to the hiring manager, cc-ing in your own manager and apologising for your error of judgment. Not OTT grovelling, but along the lines of you thought she'd be a good fit for x, y and z reasons, feel mortified by what happened and are really sorry.

Curious1981 · 18/03/2018 07:35

How you handle this could reflect well on you.

Own it. Posting on mumsnet isn’t going to do a damn thing! Ask for five mins with your manager. Explain you’re appalled; you’re sorry for the wasted effort and time on his part; and ask if there is anything you can do to assist whilst they go through the process of hiring someone else.

Curious1981 · 18/03/2018 07:39

Op I’m interested in what your friend told her boss why she didn’t come in to work.

Follyfoot · 18/03/2018 07:41

Grin at all the 'reached out' comments. It's right up there with starting every sentence with 'so'.

Sorry, nothing useful to add to the thread!