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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed at friend who got herself fired after I recommended her for the job?

156 replies

Trovi · 16/03/2018 16:22

Hi all, I work in a middle management position at a multinational company. I have been here for a few years and I think I have built a solid reputation for myself.

A couple of months ago a dear friend of mine whom I have been knowing for a few years, found herself unemployed. She is 27 and, after trying to make it as an actress in her very early 20s, she had been working in waitressing/ shop assistant type of jobs. She was desperate to get a professional job and start a "proper" career (whatever that means) and she asked for my help to get a job at my organisation.

I had to pull quite a few strings as her CV was frankly not qualified for any office-based position, but I managed to get her an interview for an entry level position. I happily recommended her to the hiring manager, who is my peer, who decided to give her a chance in spite of her lack of qualifications and hired on a generous salary for the position.

5 weeks into the job, she told me she was going out to London (we are based 1 hour by train from London) for a night out with friends on a Wednesday. Much to my dismay, the next morning she did not show up at work and didn't contact me or her manager to explain what happened. Her manager and I got really worried as we thought something terrible might have happened to her. She did not pick up the phone or got back to our texts for the whole day.

That evening, she finally called me back and said that she got wasted on her night out, ended up having a ONS with a guy in London and woke up very late and hungover the next morning. Apparently she did not think she should have reached out to her manager or me to give us a heads up. She said she was "too hungover to think" Hmm

I was genuinely furious with her for carrying herself so unprofessionally barely a month into a new job I recommended her for, on top of making me sick with worry. She genuinely did not understand why I was so upset, as she did not think it was a big deal at all and "she just had some fun, people make mistakes every once in a while and it is fine".

The next morning she came in at work and her manager pulled her into a room and essentially fired her. Apparently her work had been ok but not stellar, and this incident was serious enough to make her manager reconsider the decision to hire her. Her manager also talked to my manager, who then mentioned to me that perhaps the next time I recommend someone I should be more careful about who I recommend.

Now I feel frustrated and upset that I gave my word and damaged my credibility at work, to help my friend get a job, and she wasted the opportunity and put me in a tricky position at work. My friend is devastated by her manager's decision to fire her, and she can't believe how "unfairly" she has been treated. She is even threatening to involve a lawyer! On one hand I am sorry for her, but honestly I am incredibly annoyed by how childishly and unprofessionally she behaved and I think she wasted her chance.

AIBU to be very annoyed at my friend? Or should I be more sympathetic?

OP posts:
Spudlet · 16/03/2018 17:34

That saying 'no good deed goes unpunished' was basically made for this situation... she's let you down badly and I'm sorry to hear it.

On your part, all you can do is damage limitation - accept that you made an error of judgement, albeit with good intentions, apologise, and resolve to learn from it. In future, limit career help to cv advice and so on, and don't pull strings for anyone. We all make balls-ups - it's how you deal with them that's important.

As far as your friend goes, I'd make it extremely clear that she has let you down, betrayed the trust you placed in her, and has caused you professional embarrassment and difficulty, and that you are furious with her. You have every right to do so, and it sounds like she needs to hear some unvarnished truths, frankly.

Coyoacan · 16/03/2018 17:37

In your position, I would be annoyed and upset with my friend but, depending on her other qualities, I wouldn't necessarily end the friendship, just make a note of her limitations.

Zeelove · 16/03/2018 17:39

Your friend was stupid, but so were you for 'pulling a few strings'. She wasn't qualified or good enough for the job in the first place

Dramalady52 · 16/03/2018 17:41

And this is why she didn't make it as an actress. Such unprofessional behaviour! She doesn't deserve a friend like you.

Chocolatewafer · 16/03/2018 17:47

So sorry OP!

People like this infuriate me. The worst thing is they can never seem to take responsibility and own up to the situation - it’s always someone else’s fault/unfair

Chrys2017 · 16/03/2018 17:50

@TomRavenscroft
A lawyer would laugh her out of the room.

A good lawyer wouldn't.

Five weeks into the job she was presumably still on probation, in which case can't they dismiss her simply on the grounds that it wasn't working out?

ElsieMc · 16/03/2018 18:00

She is selfish and entitled. She was on a good salary with little to recommend her for the role other than you. She has done the dirty on you and made you look foolish but you wont be the first person to do a friend a favour workwise.

Years back my sil had a friend who was always telling me how she was going on to great things and had a very high opinion of herself. I didn't like her very much but sil put pressure on me to see if there were any opportunities in the largish firm I worked at. There was an opening as a secretary to a lady who carried out matrimonial work. This lady had a good opinion of me and thought my suggesting her was sufficient. How wrong we were. She went after a week. She couldn't even turn up on time the first day. We started at 9 am and she turned up after 9.30 am saying she wasn't sure what time we started. Didn't think to check then?

Turned out her work was not very good either. Sounds a bit like your friend.

Not only has she ballsed up this opportunity but is now threatening legal action. What a fool she is, as if.

SusieOwl4 · 16/03/2018 18:02

She is not a teenager she should have known better. And the fact she is even talking about a lawyer just shows how immmature she is . She thinks the world owes her a living . Just apologise to your employers and put it down the experience .

She should be mortified .

blackteasplease · 16/03/2018 18:05

yanbu. your friend is an idiot. I agree never get friends jobs.

I did once recommend someone for a position that I was leaving and she caused the employer no end of hassle!

whirlygirly · 16/03/2018 18:07

Unless the reason for the dismissal involved some sort of discriminatory reason (which isn't the case here) what would anyone expect a lawyer to be able to add?

Employers can dismiss for many reasons in the first 2 years of employment. This would certainly be a reasonable decision to dismiss by any standards.

Whenwillth1send · 16/03/2018 18:08

To be sure, your friend has messed up. However, did you grass her up? Because if so, you've broken the friend code and lost the friendship. She would have been in trouble for not calling in, but if you told the manager that she had been drunk and had a ONS, then you crossed a line. She told you that as a friend, and it should have been in confidence. It was up to her to talk to the Manager, not you.
Everyone is right though, friendship and jobs don't mix!

BelleandBeast · 16/03/2018 18:45

Somebody more deserving who would have made the most of the opportunity lost out to your friend, who got the job because of your nepotism.

Frankly, I feel sorry for neither of you. Angry

Freezingheart · 16/03/2018 18:46

First she was totally unprofessional and sounds very immature.
Second, take this as a life lesson. Never recommend a friend - only someone you’ve professionally worked with before. It won’t damage you in the long term but in short term it might unfortunately impact you.
Third, I’d cut her loose. If she can’t see what she did was totally out of order both personally and how it would impact you, you don’t need her as a friend.
Fourth, if she’s only been there a month she has very little in the way of employment rights and so whilst she can threaten a lawyer and legal action it ain’t going to go anywhere

LoveInTokyo · 16/03/2018 18:48

YANBU.

If I were you I would tell your friend that she needs to grow up, that the company was perfectly justified in sacking her for her behaviour, and that you feel angry because you went out on a limb and pulled strings to get her a job and she didn’t take it seriously.

She needs to learn how the real world actually works.

LagunaBubbles · 16/03/2018 18:59

Has she had a proper job before? I find it amazing that a grown adult could think they could get away with not contacting their work if they weren't going to manage in.

InsomniacAnonymous · 16/03/2018 19:12

That's an excellent point BelleandBeast.

Original poster
Trovi · 16/03/2018 19:18

Whenwilth I obviously did not tell the manager what she had been up to in London! The next morning her manager pulled her into a room to talk to her before I had a chance to say anything.

OP posts:
TonTonMacoute · 16/03/2018 19:34

YANBU.

As PPs have said you have learned the hard way how utterly ungrateful some friends can be.

Beeziekn33ze · 16/03/2018 19:49

OP When teens moan that they're in a boring job they don't like I point out that this is where they get a chance to prove they are employable.
Your friend couldn't even manage that, pathetic.

As to 'reach out' - I imagined a bleary eyed woman sticking an arm out of a rumpled sheet to fumble for her phone. I guess I don't do business speak!

eddielizzard · 16/03/2018 19:54

if she can't see that she's let you down she's being obtuse. you put your reputation on the line by vouching for her. it was a kind thing you did and she fucked up. i've done this too and kick myself now. don't beat yourself up too much. if anyone mentions it say 'yes, she let us down didn't she?'. then it makes it clear that you weren't expecting her to do that.

bbcessex · 16/03/2018 20:06

Your friend is very immature - don’t put yourself out again OP.

As for ‘reach out’ - people think it’s a wanky phrase but I’m used to it now and quite like it.

I’m sure phrases like ‘get in touch’ must have sounded strange at some point - no different really.

CoffeeOrSleep · 16/03/2018 20:23

or on the other hand BelleandBeast - someone will now get that role who might not have been in a position to apply last time round, and now they only need to be average to be considered vastly better than the person they replaced... Smile

She can threaten to go to a lawyer, but while a good one will be polite, they will point out that as she didn't turn up or call in when still on her probationary period, she's not got a case. She's probably embarrassed and won't see a solicitor about it, more just feel a bit miserable and trying to find someone else to blame, deep down I'm sure she knows it's her fuck up.

I would avoid her if possible for a while. If you can let other joint friends know what happened (as judgement free as possible), before it ends up being your fault.

And don't recommend anyone for a job again unless you are 100% certain they are amazing!

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 16/03/2018 20:27

Agree with Belle. You admit her CV wasn't qualified but you pulled strings. You called in favours to get someone a job who you knew wasn't qualified for it. You and she both lack morals, although in your place I'd tell her to fuck off and not speak to her again.

And yes, "reach out" is what you do when someone has been bereaved and you offer them support. It's not sending a text after a one night stand.

Shinycat · 16/03/2018 20:46

Yep this girl has no chance of a lawyer helping her. She was only there a few weeks! She has a lot of growing up to do!

Shinycat · 16/03/2018 20:47

I am going to agree with @MrsDesiree. (and belleandbeast.) You are BOTH in the wrong. You got a job you knew she wasn't qualified for, and would probably be shit at! As well as knowing she was flaky. And she is obviously immature, entitled, and useless.

I have to admit also, hell would freeze over before I got a mate a job.

My DH is a manager in a big company, and is part of the team responsible for hiring people, and promotions, and training etc, and he (and I) and ALWAYS having people asking for a job.

We even have people asking him to get a job for their brother, their son, their niece etc etc, like my DH can just magic up a job for some person he doesn't even fucking know! And even if there IS a job, give it to this person just coz they are an extended-family member of a neighbour or acquaintance. Some people, honestly! Hmm

@Belleandbeast

Somebody more deserving who would have made the most of the opportunity lost out to your friend, who got the job because of your nepotism.

Hopefully Belle, the company still have the application forms and other interviewees, so someone else (more deserving) can have the job!

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