To be annoyed at friend who got herself fired after I recommended her for the job?

[Trovi]

Hi all, I work in a middle management position at a multinational company. I have been here for a few years and I think I have built a solid reputation for myself.

A couple of months ago a dear friend of mine whom I have been knowing for a few years, found herself unemployed. She is 27 and, after trying to make it as an actress in her very early 20s, she had been working in waitressing/ shop assistant type of jobs. She was desperate to get a professional job and start a "proper" career (whatever that means) and she asked for my help to get a job at my organisation.

I had to pull quite a few strings as her CV was frankly not qualified for any office-based position, but I managed to get her an interview for an entry level position. I happily recommended her to the hiring manager, who is my peer, who decided to give her a chance in spite of her lack of qualifications and hired on a generous salary for the position.

5 weeks into the job, she told me she was going out to London (we are based 1 hour by train from London) for a night out with friends on a Wednesday. Much to my dismay, the next morning she did not show up at work and didn't contact me or her manager to explain what happened. Her manager and I got really worried as we thought something terrible might have happened to her. She did not pick up the phone or got back to our texts for the whole day.

That evening, she finally called me back and said that she got wasted on her night out, ended up having a ONS with a guy in London and woke up very late and hungover the next morning. Apparently she did not think she should have reached out to her manager or me to give us a heads up. She said she was "too hungover to think"

I was genuinely furious with her for carrying herself so unprofessionally barely a month into a new job I recommended her for, on top of making me sick with worry. She genuinely did not understand why I was so upset, as she did not think it was a big deal at all and "she just had some fun, people make mistakes every once in a while and it is fine".

The next morning she came in at work and her manager pulled her into a room and essentially fired her. Apparently her work had been ok but not stellar, and this incident was serious enough to make her manager reconsider the decision to hire her. Her manager also talked to my manager, who then mentioned to me that perhaps the next time I recommend someone I should be more careful about who I recommend.

Now I feel frustrated and upset that I gave my word and damaged my credibility at work, to help my friend get a job, and she wasted the opportunity and put me in a tricky position at work. My friend is devastated by her manager's decision to fire her, and she can't believe how "unfairly" she has been treated. She is even threatening to involve a lawyer! On one hand I am sorry for her, but honestly I am incredibly annoyed by how childishly and unprofessionally she behaved and I think she wasted her chance.

AIBU to be very annoyed at my friend? Or should I be more sympathetic?

A lawyer would laugh her out of the room.

YANBU. She sounds very irresponsible. Did her acting career stall because of lack of talent and luck, I wonder, or because she used to not bother turning up to auditions/agent meetings/performances/calls to set?

Yeah that’s bad.

It was an error of judgement on your part to recommend her, blinded by friendship!

Don’t let it get in the way of your friendship, but don’t go helping her out work wise at all any more!

Well, now you know she's a twit and she doesn't care that she's made you look bad.

Ask her if she was in a play on in the West End, would she think it was OK not to turn up one day for a show, because she was still hung over from the night before?

Chances are she would be horrified at the suggestion - because it's a big deal if you're in a play in the West End and the show must go on, can't let people down etc... and could ruin her reputation, not get work again...

At which point you say Exactly - so why on earth is it OK to not turn up for your job with no notice? Always need to be there, just the same as a theatre production. No if's, no but's. or you ring in sick if you're genuinely ill or snowed in or whatever - but as a minimum you let people know.

Chances that she has had assorted different waitressing/shop jobs as you said and that maybe (some!) people do have a more lackadaisical approach to being present so she might not have clocked how important it is to go to your job if you have a proper job... I know, I know, you shouldn't have to spell these things out.

Hopefully she has learnt a valuable lesson and doesn't treat such amazing opportunities so badly in the future - although that's little consolation for you...

YANBU to be annoyed with your friend, who has let you down.

I think you were somewhat U in 'pulling strings' to get her hired - I understand your intentions were good, but this sort of string-pulling nepotism is very frustrating for job seekers who don't happen to know the right people. In a sense, you got what you deserved.

On a positive note, these sorts of things tend to blow over quickly so hopefully it will soon be forgotten in your workplace.

Life is full of lessons, she has learnt not to take things for granted and assume you can get away with behaving so irresponsibly. Sadly you have learnt not to recommend a friend as it may come back to bite you on the bum. She was in the wrong but her CV and previous lack of experience prove she wasn't really right to be put forward in the first place. I am in a position that a good friend recommended me for and I have done the opposite of your friend, I have gone the extra mile to ensure not only am I a valued employee but my friends reputation and opinions are also respected. Your friend wasn't a good mate to you I am afraid, but then you know that.

frankchickens "YABU for using the phrase “should have reached out”

^^ This. She should have called you to let you know what was going on, not reached out to give you a heads-up.

Apart from that, though, you've tried to be a good friend and she's behaved very immaturely. I am sure your colleagues will not hold it against you as you were obviously as disappointed as they were at how unprofessionally she behaved.

Don't spend your time on her she is a total pisstake. Use this as a valuable lesson OP never combine work with friendships, they just don't go together.

KeithLeMonde I am genuinely confused about what is wrong with that sentence. Doesn't it have the same meaning?

OP they're just being mean about management-speak. Ignore.

Don't feel sorry for her. She deserves all she gets.

I guess the moral of the story is probably to keep your friends and your work life as separate as possible.

OP, I'm teasing you :) It's management speak - only people who work in big businesses seem to use these phrases.

My husband works in a corporate environment and he is all about the reaching out. It just sounds odd to non-corporate ears!

You did a favour for a friend and she behaved like an irresponsible idiot. But don't get to overinvested in this. Your role ended when you got her the job. I'd keep out of it and not discuss it with her as you could compromise your own position if you carry tales backwards and forwards from her to the management. Don't discuss it any more.

They are being unnecessarily harsh about reach out as it’s a phrase often laughed at here.

If you haven’t already I would make extra clear to your colleagues that you were surprised at her behaviour and in the years you’ve known her she hasn’t behaved like that. Explain that you have learnt your lesson and won’t recommend those you don’t know professionally again. At the end of the day as long as you didn’t lie about how you knew her they have a lesson to learn too. Nepotism sucks.

My work are very keen to get recommendations (possibly because recruitment agencies cost so much), and have explicitly told us that it's OK to recommend someone you met at a women in tech event or similar and say "I have met this person a couple of times, I don't know them well, but they seem OK" and that if they turn out to not be OK it won't reflect poorly on us.

That's a bit different to pulling strings for someone who wouldn't normally be hired, of course.

Trovi 'reached out' frequently comes up when people are asked to nominate the most wanky business speak because it is wanky - people just need to call you/speak to you, etc., not audition for the Four Tops.

As far as your friend goes you've learnt the hard way never to help friends get jobs and you have every right to be furious.

Reach out is only acceptable if you're one of the Four Tops

I am fuming on your behalf, OP.

Important life lesson, hopefully early enough on your career that it doesn't cause too many problems. You only recommend someone who is genuinely good and will reflect well on you. (so ex-colleagues or people you know are amazing).

You knew she wasn't qualified and didn't know what she would be like in a professional environment. You weren't in a position to recommend her for a job, you didn't know what she'd be like.

I did not know about "reach out"! To be honest, English in not my mother tongue so I often don't pick up the nuances between different terms with similar meanings. Sorry!

I cannot imagine this will sully your reputation forevermore. You were told to be more careful and perhaps this was advice for your own good as much as a reprimand. Own your mistake and be the excellent manager they know you to be. As for your “friend”, I struggle to comprehend that a 27 yo would not know to inform work that she was “ill”. Others have said about her learning a lesson. I don’t think she’s there yet by a long shot with the talk of taking legal action. She sounds about 12, perhaps she’ll threaten setting her mummy on them next.

@TomRavenscroft
A lawyer would laugh her out of the room.

A good lawyer wouldn't.

You should be annoyed and furious. You are a good friend - sounds like she doesn’t deserve you! I helped out a good friend in a similar way once and she also went out drinking and other things and cocked things up - unfort our friendship was never the same as I felt disrespected by her.

You tried to do a kind things OP. Far from being sympathetic to her I think I'd be furious about a friend letting me down in this way and I would need to talk to her about that.

TeachesofPeaches