Who is being unreasonable - joint finances

[namechange59295]

Namechanged for this but regular poster.

Please help me work out whether I am being unreasonable, or whether my husband is being unreasonable (I think he is, obviously!).

I'll try to make his as succinct as possible. Been with my DH for 8 years, married for 18 months, DS1 is 7.5 months. DH bought the house we live in when we had been together for 2 years, large cash deposit, small mortgage. I moved in and paid a reduced rent until the mortgage was cleared (approx. 3 years). I have then lived there for free ever since. The justification for this which we both agreed to was that I had to move around an hour from my friends, family and work to allow him to continue to run his business, which would obviously benefit us both in the future. His friends, family and hobbies are on his doorstep (literally, we can see his parents house and the rugby field from our windows!). I hate the town we live in, but we plan to move out of town in the next couple of years and as I have made lots of friends in the wider area I am happy with this prospect, although ultimately I would prefer to move back to where I grew up and where my family are.

So, mortgage is paid off and we both have significant savings, however he has about 3 times what I have. I believe his ability to save has been partly facilitated by me because by moving to his area I have allowed our relationship to continue and him to pursue his professional desires. Of course he has also saved very hard and worked very hard for that money. I have explained this part of our financial situation not to be goady, but I don't want to drip feed and I do think this is relevant to my AIBU.

Since moving in together we have paid into a joint account for food, bills, council tax etc etc. Basically everything that's needed to keep the house running. I have just stopped receiving maternity pay but have been paying in as normal until now. Agreement is that I will stay at home with DS1 because my commute to work means I would work for about £25 per day once we have paid for childcare. We have always been of the understanding that we would both prefer for me to be at home with the children for a certain amount of time whilst they are young and that was a large part of the reason we have settled in DH's area. All discussed and agreed years ago.

I do all of the housework, so cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, food shopping, bins, recycling, night feeds etc. plus all those other little things like buying birthday presents, cards etc. He does bath and bed with DS 5 nights a week. He plays rugby twice a week and all day on a Saturday, with the occasional night out afterwards (not regular, say once every 2 months or so). He has a lie in at the weekend on both days while I get up with DS.

I have always said that I would prefer our savings to be held jointly, with a direct debit into an account for household stuff and then an equal allowance each for spending money. He has always said that he will just top up our existing joint account as needed. We are both relatively good with money so whilst I'm not really comfortable with this, in theory it should work as long as we are both reasonable.

With regards to our savings, we are both saving for a property investment, so in that sense our intentions for the savings are mutual. He obviously has a great deal more than I do at present, but my parents will be giving us a significant (approx £175k) sum to purchase said property when we find it so he will then benefit from my/their investment. Basically what I am trying to say is that we are on a fairly level playing field once all is taken into consideration.

Fast forward to today. We are looking after his parents dog for a few days while they are away. I took her for a run on the beach this morning and it was lovely down there so I bought a coffee in the cafe and sat outside for a bit longer. The coffee cost £1.50. DH has told me that I should take my own coffee in a flask because buying a coffee out is a waste of money. He says that if I was out for a walk with a friend and we went into the coffee shop that's fine because it's being sociable. I think that considering he disappears for 2 evenings a week plus most of Saturday week in week out (and there is a cost of say £20 a week for this) I should be allowed to buy a bloody coffee every now and then if I want one! I'm not one of these people who walks around with a costa permanently attached to my hand, I hardly ever buy drinks or food out. My social commitments are a buggy fitness group once or twice a week (£4 a time), baby sensory (£5 a week) and slimming world (£5 a week). I then go for a walk with a group of mums once a week and we have a coffee afterwards. This mornings coffee doesn't usually happen, it's only because I was down there with his parents dog and I just fancied a coffee because it was really nice there today. He is saying that if I had been with someone else it would have been fine because it's being sociable. I argued that if his hobby was cycling or running which he might do by himself I would still be happy for him to pursue it, it just so happens that he plays rugby and that is a team sport.

This next bit is the important bit.

He then said that he is spending his money when he does things, and I am spending our money. My argument is that all of the money is our money, including he money that my parents have promised me for the property purchase** whenever that happens.

I think this statement completely summarises his attitude towards me being a stay at home mum and whilst he is happy for me to do so, he is going to want me to account for every last penny I spend because as far as he is concerned, I am not the one who went out and earned it. I also think that this shows he does not value anything I do in the home and whilst I am happy to do it and appreciate that I am fortunate to be able to stay at home, I do not think that attitude is fair.

Well done if you are still reading - I am happy to be told I am unreasonable if I am and in which case I need to start grovelling after the argument we've just had. If I am not being unreasonable and he is being financially controlling, then I am just disappointed in myself for being so stupid as to think we were on the same wavelength.

Thank you.

Could it be he is concerned about money and hasn’t told you? Perhaps his business is struggling or has a large bill coming up? I don’t agree with the comment about the coffee but maybe there is a bigger issue than the £1.50 coffee.

See what your boss has to say .... personally I would go back to work ... and I wouldn't be looking at buying another house with that man .... what a selfish arse.

I'd be straight back to work. No way could I live under these conditions. He doesn't see you as an equal. Let him pay for half the childcare/cleaner and a baby sitter while you swan off every Saturday too.

He also should be getting up one morning at the weekend.

What an arse.

I could have written some of your post. Down to the moving into a house he owned an hour away from family and friends. I still find it hard, I've sacrificed a full time wage to go past time to raise OUR children. The same as you've sacrificed your wage to raise both of your children. He is bu. You are most definitely not.

Point out to him that you'd be better off if you divorced. He wouldn't

Fuck this for a game of soldiers OP.

Here's how this works. Man decides to have children, then continues working long hours. He is only able to do this because he outsources some of the domestic work to his partner, who is at home more than he is. If he had to do all the domestic work and all the childcare on top of work, he would not be able to do it. Therefore, his wage is not "his wage". It belongs to both of you, since you have both contributed labour towards it.

Do you enjoy being a SAHM? I went through a phase of being bored by it all. LG is 15mths and I am 3mths pregnant.
The phase passed and I love being at home with her.
I would be financially better off and as a family we would be much better off. This is only for a couple of years and I can do this.
We don’t have a JA for all of our money- just one for bills. My small amount of savings dissapeared in the first year of maternity leave and this delayed DH paying me. He pays me a monthly allowance which works well for us. I do the shopping on his account and the money is purely for LG and I.
He regularly makes “jokes” about how I am on holiday, which grates but forget the cleaning, cooking etc tedium... I do love my days on the whole. I have a great set of mum friends and wouldn’t want to go back to work.
I don’t know where I am going with this but I guess I am saying don’t rush acknowledge to work just to make a point.

I agree with the pp telling your parents to hang onto their £175k. It's a good idea for them to think about using that money to buy an 'investment property' that you and DS could live in if necessary (preferably in the catchment area of good schools etc).

Go back to work so that you can be financially independent because it's a huge red flag that your DH won't give you full access to family money. Quibbling over the £1.50 for coffee is mean and you can't stay with someone who is so horrible to you.

Don't take any money from your parents until you are 100% positive your marriage is going to survive this. Otherwise, he may well have claims to half of it.

Go back to work, demand he carry 50% of the load at home and with childcare issues, etc and wait and see what happens.

Just don't mix any outside money on your side in until you know.

Can I just add don't get pregnant again unless you're really able to resolve these issues. You're concerned about how it is now - it will not get better when you have another child to think about.

I’m not married to DP. He earns more than twice my salary. Both salaries go into a joint account, a standing order goes into a separate joint account to cover the amount of the bills and what’s left in the joint account is ours. Not his or mine. Ours. We aren’t loaded so we discuss big purchases but otherwise we spend as we choose. He wouldn’t blink if I came home and said I’d spent £100 on some boots or a coat or something. I cannot believe that this man expects you to justify a cup of coffee!!!

I know it’s only what the others have said but just had to say it.

And re your £175k, someone I know, when he split up with his wife, got more than half the value of the very expensive house which had been largely paid for by her parents. So get them to hang onto it for the moment. Good luck.

He doesn't see your relationship as a one of equal partnership, rather, he sees it as you facilitating his lifestyle.

He still sees your family finances in terms of "His" money, to the extent that he even begrudges you a cup of coffee!

He sounds selfish and focused on himself, rather than your family.

I doubt he will actually move away to somewhere you would like, he has everything for his life close at hand, he won't want to change that.

Don't put your parent's money into a shared property with him.
In the long term, I think you will find it difficult to cope with his selfish attitude, and should you divorce, the money from your parents would be of major help to you.

I wonder how he sees the £175k from your parents. That’s probably joint money then! Look into going back to work. Hope it all works out for you.

YANBU. His attitude is a huge red flag.

And as other PPs have said, tell your parents to hold on to their £175K. If you divorce he will end up getting half of it.

We are a partnership and share everything. I work PT self employed therefore do basically all of the housework and childcare as I am home a fair bit; I earn way more than DH (employed FT) per hour but we still help ourselves to our shared money.

Your 'D' H sounds like a total bellend and you deserve better.

I bet he will be quick enough to see your parents' £175,000 as joint money! Before you make any further commitments make sure you are on the same page. It may be worth going back to work? The extra £25 a week will mount up, your career doesn't take a huge hit, and your DH won't be able to consider you the help...

I'm not that keen on all money is family money, but from day one of living together, my partner and I have paid an equal amount into a single account and paid all joint expenses out of it. For kids, we will simply up the amount that goes in from both of us to save for our shared mat/pat leave, then everything for the kids comes out of there too. Every. Last. Thing.

What money is left - that's ours to do with as we like, but we have never for a minute considered less than 50:50 for our life expenses.

thecatsthecats what if one of your incomes depletes because you take mat/pat leave? Or one career stalls because you or he is the primary parent? One partner might end up walking round with holes in their shoes. The other might be able to treat themselves. Is 50/50 really sustainable?

I agree, 50/50 isn’t necessarily fair if you earnings aren’t more or less equal.

I think that only works if you earn similar thecats, otherwise you would potentially be living very different lives. One of my days dear friends lived like that before dC were born and her DH lived the relative high life (but never offered to pay for her to also) whilst she lived very modestly doing her own thing. Not really a partnership as she couldn’t afford to go on trips without him or participate in expensive hobbies so they basically lived separate lives.

Thanks again everyone. I've actually just had a chat with my mum about all this and she agrees with me too.

I've put it all down in writing and your responses have really helped me with that.
Absolutely no way we'll be investing that £175k any time soon.

Th trouble with 50:50 is exactly like previous posters have said. He earns about double what I earn, when we me he earns less than me but he has been able to become a director of his own business in that time. Yes he has had to work hard, of course he has, but if I'd insisted he had to move to me it wouldn't have happened because of the nature of his work.

Please, do not let him get his hands on that £175,000. Do not let him get his name on it either nor any property purchased from it.

Please don't think I am wishing this upon you but if you were to split (instigated by either one of you), I strongly suspect he would have no hesitation in attempting to leave you destitute.

I know it might be a bit of a cliche but when someone shows you who they are, believe them. He has shown you and if you think about it, it's probably not the first time.

His response to you buying a measly £1.50 coffee, especially after all you provide him with, is nothing short of shocking.

YANBU but thankfully I think you already recognise that.

Do not let him make you question yourself.

There is a thread on feminism chat about SAHM and feminism. One suggestion that came up on it was that SAHM should get a contract from their spouse to protect their financial interests, like a pre nup but for SAH parents financial benefit.

I think you need to write out explicitly what you need, almost like a contract and then negotiate with your DH based on that. Becoming a dependant SAHM puts you in a very vulnerable position and you need to be absolutely clear what you are agreeing to. I would not consider it from what you have written here. All of this over £1.50 is outrageous on his part.

Zazzleza your “D”H sounds like a knob we as well.

I hope it all works out op but I reckon sometime in the future you’ll be writing a post saying my marriage ended over a £1.50 coffee.