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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Probably being a bridezilla but...is my friend being weird!?

167 replies

NCjustincase123 · 16/03/2018 12:16

NC, although it won't help much if she's reading, as this is full of outing details Blush

DP and I got engaged just before Christmas Smile

My closest friend (of 25 years) was in on the secret, giving the ring her nod of approval back in October.

2 weeks after we got engaged, her DP proposed. They've been together 10 years, and it sounds like it was spur of the moment; he bought the ring the day before.

Truthfully, my instant reaction was, oh...weird timing Confused, followed by immense happiness for her.

I assumed that she'd also recognise the funny awkwardness, and we'd have a laugh about it and move on.

...This is where it gets odd.

She's been so cold with me since her engagement...telling me about the proposal in a group chat, skipping over all of the juicy details, and jumping straight to mentioning that she'll probably opt for a wedding date within the same month as mine this year.

I'm well aware that I can't bagsy a whole calendar month(!) but I just assumed she'd want to put a bit of distance between them, given our friendship groups have some crossover, and 2 x weddings within a couple of weeks of each other will put financial strain on a lot of attendees.

As it happens, she's now opted for early summer date, the hen will be in a few month's time.

She asked which dates I couldn't do for the hen - there was only 1. The hen is now being held on that date, as it's the one "most people can attend on". The thought of not being there makes me feel pretty gutted, but obviously doesn't mean a great deal to her. There was no apology just a 'you won't miss much' text.

I should point out that she's my MoH.

She's taken a complete inactive stance in the whole MoH thing...I've arranged my own hen, and even though she knows I've bought the dress, she showed no interest and didn't ask to see pictures of it. I invited her to a Pinterest board where her and our other friend who's my only other bridesmaid can pin dresses they might like to wear, and she's not accepted the invitation.

I've offered her help with her planning at every opportunity, but she's not taken me up on any of it (which is fine, I know some people like to knuckle down and go it alone).

It's all just so out of character, as we've been talking about our weddings since we were little.

I'm a major confrontation dodger, but do I have to say something?

I feel so down about the whole thing. I never imagined either of our weddings being organised without each others help or presence, and feel really strange about her being my MoH.

I've drafted a message basically saying how I feel the dynamic has shifted to an unhealthy place etc etc, and how much I care for her and would ultimately regret missing a milestone like her hen.

Totally on the fence about sending, as we're in a very walking-on-eggshells kinda place right now (help!)

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 23/03/2018 13:49

sorry agree with mykingdom she still wasnt pregnant before say xmas so was still being weird with you at the time of propsals

Tweetiepie1000 · 23/03/2018 14:34

Honestly I don’t think that explains anything.

It’s very odd she doesn’t seem to want the include you in her wedding but tbh I would be taking the load from her and cooling off the friendship, at least for a while.

Do you think maybe the friendship means more to you than her? Maybe she doesn’t want to say that she doesn’t feel you are as close as you think.
That’s not a failing on your part at all! Sometimes different people value different personalities more than others. Sometimes people find it hard to have deep relationships and tend to just have ‘mates’ rather than soul mate bff’s.
She could just be feeling bad and trying to distance herself rather than say she doesn’t feel the friendship the same way as you.

NCjustincase123 · 23/03/2018 16:09

@bustoschool I've recently feel super ready for children Smile and I think the plan is to start trying after the wedding. I have PCOS, so I'm managing my expectations carefully, and trying to not overthink it for now.

Yeah, I think there's a lot of truth in that @Tweetiepie1000

I've been so relaxed and happy through every moment of this year so far, aside from the times I've met up with this friend, where I've been thrown into a nervous panic and left feeling deflated...so I'm going to take a step back and let it play out.

OP posts:
bakingdemon · 23/03/2018 16:23

OP, I wouldn't make a big deal of the Pinterest thing. I ignore all social media invitations as I just can't deal with any more pages/groups/networks.

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 23/03/2018 17:00

I agree I don’t think it explains her behaviour at all, it explains why she has brought her wedding forward but in no way excuses her total lack of interest in your wedding and her general attitude towards you, think I would take a step back from this friendship.

Elphame · 23/03/2018 17:20

I really don't understand. We announced our engagement to DP's best friend (who was going out with DP's former girlfriend).

They burst out laughing and said they had the same news to share with us. We ended up getting married within 4 weeks of each other (they were first).

None of us considered it a competition and our mutual friends didn't seem to find it odd either.

GeorgeTheHippo · 23/03/2018 17:28

I wonder whether her feelings about your friendship are changing , possibly nothing to do with you or anything you have done, possibly in ways she doesn't really understand. Maybe you can give her an out from being MOH and things will settle down in a while. You obviously sense that something is going on so, as you say, give it time and see how things play out. And have a lovely wedding!

Zucker · 23/03/2018 17:44

Has she included you in her wedding at all? Are you going to be a bridesmaid or the MOH?

OVienna · 23/03/2018 19:03

OP Is there any chance you've been a tiny bit indiscreet about feeling weird initially you might be getting married the same month/she's not shared the details/any other element of this and it's gotten back to her?

The fact that she doesn't feel as close to you as you might to her doesn't feel like an explanation somehow.

The pregnancy thing also doesn't feel like an explanation for the initial coldness etc.

Is there anything at all else that she could be feeling weird about - I am almost thinking could it be something to do with your DP, or some factor that you haven't even considered but she feels awkward about?

She's being horrible about her hen night - sorry. I would be so hurt. I don't think being pregnant is an excuse, there must be other dates she could do that would include you. She's your MoH!!!

Also, it feels like she's basically withdrawing from the role without saying. You need to know one way or another.

It's not a competition between her happiness/big life events OR yours - but that doesn't mean she can behave any way she likes towards you. She has to be fair. You need to know.

GingerFoxx · 23/03/2018 19:20

This is so odd. I’d be really hurt. Her pregnancy isn’t an excuse or explanation for the rest of it

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/03/2018 22:33

I think the pg thing might make sense, IF you had been talking a lot about having babies when you're married.
She might have thought you would think she was stealing a march on you by being pregnant first - regardless of how you would actually feel.
She might have been embarrassed about being pg before getting married (Even in this day and age, some people are!)

But none of it really properly explains the hen-do date (the only one you couldn't do) or her failure to take any interest at all in your wedding, where she's supposed to be MoH.

Have you already told her that you will be fine if she has to drop out as MoH? I would probably say that when sober, so she knows - because she's very unlikely to want to do it 2w prior to her due date!

The only other thing that crossed my mind about her coolness with you is if your friendship is largely based around drinking together (although you've been friends for so long this seems unlikely) - as she's pg and not drinking, she might have felt you had less in common now.

Anyway - glad you've got some kind of answer, but I don't think it's the full picture.

choppolata · 24/03/2018 08:54

She's probably still off with you because she had to buy all the drinks - how else would you have got through 3 pornstar martinis without noticing she was on soda water?

NCjustincase123 · 24/03/2018 10:28

@choppolata Haha! That would be pretty inexcusable behaviour.

I got my first from the bar before she arrived.

After that it was table service, and she pointed at whatever she wanted from the menu to the waitress, whilst I was blissfully oblivious 🤓

I was in the know by the time the bill came at the end of the night, and obvs picked it up.

Et voila!

OP posts:
Ididnothearthat · 24/03/2018 10:55

I think its possibly a she doesnt feel close to you like you to do her. I had this happen to me. One bridemaid i asked said yes but then said straight off she wasnt coming to hen do, then ignoring about dates to go dress shopping but happy to chat in our girls chat about what happened on casualty last night etc. In the end i met up with her and offered her an out saying if it was too much. Face to face she was fine but then she texted me next day saying she didnt want to be bridemaid. I still invited her as a guest and she said she couldnt come anymore. Funny enough she also distance herself from the rest of the group not just me. I tried hard not to bitch and just said it was one of those things when people asked me what happened. I now realise it wasnt me but her and she didnt want to be part of the group anymore and is mainly part of her fiance group of friends. Who funnily enough she hated initally. But people change and friendships change. Weddings and baby on the way make you realise that. Dont stress about it. I look back and i had an amazing wedding day and didnt think once about her. She is getting married this year and i geninually wish her the best! Life is too short! Focus on the friends that are there and excited for you!

DarkRoomDarren · 24/03/2018 11:17

Oh I was a pregnant bridesmaid for one of my best friends. I felt awful when I told her as we’d chosen the dresses already by the time I fell pregnant! I offered to buy the dress off the bride and now out of the wedding, but she insisted I still be bridesmaid if I wanted (I did). I still feel bad about the timing tbh, but now we’re still v close and have 2 dcs each!

Definitely explains why she’s been less involved! Hopefully you’ll be in the same boat soon op, if that’s the plan Smile.

DarkRoomDarren · 24/03/2018 11:17

*bow out

choppolata · 24/03/2018 13:02

@NCjustincase123 fair enough! Smile

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