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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Probably being a bridezilla but...is my friend being weird!?

167 replies

NCjustincase123 · 16/03/2018 12:16

NC, although it won't help much if she's reading, as this is full of outing details Blush

DP and I got engaged just before Christmas Smile

My closest friend (of 25 years) was in on the secret, giving the ring her nod of approval back in October.

2 weeks after we got engaged, her DP proposed. They've been together 10 years, and it sounds like it was spur of the moment; he bought the ring the day before.

Truthfully, my instant reaction was, oh...weird timing Confused, followed by immense happiness for her.

I assumed that she'd also recognise the funny awkwardness, and we'd have a laugh about it and move on.

...This is where it gets odd.

She's been so cold with me since her engagement...telling me about the proposal in a group chat, skipping over all of the juicy details, and jumping straight to mentioning that she'll probably opt for a wedding date within the same month as mine this year.

I'm well aware that I can't bagsy a whole calendar month(!) but I just assumed she'd want to put a bit of distance between them, given our friendship groups have some crossover, and 2 x weddings within a couple of weeks of each other will put financial strain on a lot of attendees.

As it happens, she's now opted for early summer date, the hen will be in a few month's time.

She asked which dates I couldn't do for the hen - there was only 1. The hen is now being held on that date, as it's the one "most people can attend on". The thought of not being there makes me feel pretty gutted, but obviously doesn't mean a great deal to her. There was no apology just a 'you won't miss much' text.

I should point out that she's my MoH.

She's taken a complete inactive stance in the whole MoH thing...I've arranged my own hen, and even though she knows I've bought the dress, she showed no interest and didn't ask to see pictures of it. I invited her to a Pinterest board where her and our other friend who's my only other bridesmaid can pin dresses they might like to wear, and she's not accepted the invitation.

I've offered her help with her planning at every opportunity, but she's not taken me up on any of it (which is fine, I know some people like to knuckle down and go it alone).

It's all just so out of character, as we've been talking about our weddings since we were little.

I'm a major confrontation dodger, but do I have to say something?

I feel so down about the whole thing. I never imagined either of our weddings being organised without each others help or presence, and feel really strange about her being my MoH.

I've drafted a message basically saying how I feel the dynamic has shifted to an unhealthy place etc etc, and how much I care for her and would ultimately regret missing a milestone like her hen.

Totally on the fence about sending, as we're in a very walking-on-eggshells kinda place right now (help!)

OP posts:
iheartmichellemallon · 22/03/2018 21:46

Hope it went well Op.

ThatItIs · 22/03/2018 21:55

.

TakeMe2Insanity · 22/03/2018 21:55

Hope she gave you some answers.

Excited101 · 22/03/2018 21:57

Hope it went well!

Birdshitbridgegotme · 22/03/2018 22:24

I reckon she railroaded her other half into proposing (as they'd been together so long) and so she now wants to beat u to it. She dont want u knowing anythibg about her wedding as she's worried u will do it better! She wants it all to be about her (as it should) but that's why she dont want u at her hen so people dont ask u questions about your wedding and take the lime light off her. I wouldn't have her as my moh and I would explain nicely why. That u feel let down that u wasnt special enough to her to have u thete over the other people just cause there is more of them ?the ones that could only come on that weekend) ....could be wrong but that's how it comes across to me. People can turn funny with things.

springydaff · 22/03/2018 22:25

Hope it's gone well!

Birdshitbridgegotme · 22/03/2018 22:30

Ooo just seen u are meeting tonight I hope I'm wrong..sorry if what i said sounded a bit harsh my so called best mate screwed me over this week so I'm not in a very good place when it comes to friendships haha

JustVent · 22/03/2018 22:35

Oh man. Good luck, I couldn’t be doing with that stuff.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 22/03/2018 22:42

Hope you sorted it out.

Ghanagirl · 23/03/2018 05:53

How did it go?

blueskyinmarch · 23/03/2018 06:21

How did it go?

Tinkie25 · 23/03/2018 06:36

Did you manage to resolve anything?

ShrinkWrap · 23/03/2018 06:42

There’s a lot of placemarking going on! How did it go OP?

Ohyesiam · 23/03/2018 06:50

Hope it went well op. You sound lovely, balanced and warm hearted.

ToothyMcPuthy · 23/03/2018 06:50

Not place marking

Hope you're OK OP.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/03/2018 07:13

YWNBU that your friend was being weird, she certainly was.

I hope that you managed to have that drink with her and clear the air, one way or the other! (Although I suspect it will have ended with you having no MoH)

Hope you're ok Thanks

Drum71 · 23/03/2018 07:20

How did you get on OP? Hope all is resolved.

SurferRona · 23/03/2018 09:21

How did you get on NCjustincase123?

NCjustincase123 · 23/03/2018 11:40

Happy sunny Friday, everyone Grin

Was weary of posting this update, but f* it, MN has always been my sounding board, and I'd love a reality check today.

So...at my suggestion we met in a cocktail bar. She was running late, so I took the opportunity to quickly inhale a G&T Blush

We skirted around the main issue with niceties for a while...

When I was 3 pornstar martinis deep, she hastily brought up the hen saga, and her weirdness in general...and revealed that she's 3 months pregnant! The proposal came a few weeks before she found out, so it was serendipitous timing Smile

I was Shock at first, then cried genuine tears of happiness and we hugged it out.

By this point I was essentially drunk (thinking we were both chugging cocktails, when she was sipping soda water), so I really wasn't in the best shape for processing, or forming articulate responses - my bad.

It's super happy news, and it goes a loooong way to explaining the unusual behavior...although I still don't really understand her coldness with me, specifically...our dynamic just feels wrong and off-kilter, even after last night.

We obviously didn't talk about the MoH thing...but her due date is a couple of weeks after the wedding date, so I'm completely aware that she'll be as involved as she feels she can, and I'll 100% give her the opportunity to duck out.

I've today received an email from her two uni friends asking if there's any way I can make some or all of the hen. So they're very much the organisers, and I can't help but feel strange and...very very down really, sitting on the outside of it all.

I can't put my finger on why I feel so uneasy...maybe I'm jealous? I'm so confused by my all-over-the-shop emotions, it's laughable Sad

OP posts:
wombatron · 23/03/2018 12:04

A friend of mine was getting married and got engaged when I was travelling. She skirted around the bridesmaid issue for a while, giving me the names of 2 other friends. No mention of me. This is someone who have provided a shoulder for for years and I was really hurt. Eventually she asked when we finally caught up via Skype so I realised she was probably waiting for the right time to ask (I hope that was it!).

But it wasn’t me that was named as MoH and the hen do was literally the week before I was due to come home so I couldn’t attend. I didn’t know how to take it either tbh and I think it made me slightly re evaluate the level I thought of the friendship vs her. That being said the wedding was called off, am glad I didn’t make a big fuss as I would have caused ill feeling for nothing, but you are allowed to feel hurt by it all as I most definitely did!

The only effect it really had on me was that when I was considering my own MoH, it wasn’t that difficult for me to choose between my 2 best friends. Maybe she has realised, maybe she hasn’t.
Her being pregnant will def give her the ‘out’ she may want. Perhaps in a few weeks broach the subject and if she says she’s on board you would be within your rights to share how you’re feeling - she may not know!

UpSideDownBrain · 23/03/2018 12:08

So she had to choose the date of the wedding and hen because of the pregnancy - fair enough!
She's probably dreading her own hen party as she won't be able to join in as everyone gets slowly sloshed.
She'll be worrying about letting you down as MoH - which realistically she won't be able to do now.
Plus all the other things that stress you out over pregnancy, wedding, work etc.
I think she is entitled to be acting a bit weird. Poor bunny!
But none of this is about you, so I think your friendship is fine.
Time for hugs, lots of support and finding out how you can help.

UpSideDownBrain · 23/03/2018 12:12

PS - I speak from experience having got married a 7 months pregnant. I was working full time, getting bigger and more and more tired, feeling crap, dealing with all the wedding stress, worrying about having to give-up work, the birth etc. I'm sure my behaviour was weird too, but it was not directed at anyone, I just had so much to deal with all at once.

troodiedoo · 23/03/2018 12:42

Wow thanks for the update OP. None of us saw that one coming!

Guess you'll have to just play it by ear. No denying it changes the dynamic. But hopefully you can continue your friendship in some form.

bustoschool · 23/03/2018 13:05

Ah that has definitely taken the wind out of your sails, I think I would feel the same. Are you keen to have children too OP? It has all happened very suddenly hasn't it and I think I would be feeling like you tbh...

MyKingdomForBrie · 23/03/2018 13:20

That doesn’t explain a thing. You need to try again to discuss I think.