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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Probably being a bridezilla but...is my friend being weird!?

167 replies

NCjustincase123 · 16/03/2018 12:16

NC, although it won't help much if she's reading, as this is full of outing details Blush

DP and I got engaged just before Christmas Smile

My closest friend (of 25 years) was in on the secret, giving the ring her nod of approval back in October.

2 weeks after we got engaged, her DP proposed. They've been together 10 years, and it sounds like it was spur of the moment; he bought the ring the day before.

Truthfully, my instant reaction was, oh...weird timing Confused, followed by immense happiness for her.

I assumed that she'd also recognise the funny awkwardness, and we'd have a laugh about it and move on.

...This is where it gets odd.

She's been so cold with me since her engagement...telling me about the proposal in a group chat, skipping over all of the juicy details, and jumping straight to mentioning that she'll probably opt for a wedding date within the same month as mine this year.

I'm well aware that I can't bagsy a whole calendar month(!) but I just assumed she'd want to put a bit of distance between them, given our friendship groups have some crossover, and 2 x weddings within a couple of weeks of each other will put financial strain on a lot of attendees.

As it happens, she's now opted for early summer date, the hen will be in a few month's time.

She asked which dates I couldn't do for the hen - there was only 1. The hen is now being held on that date, as it's the one "most people can attend on". The thought of not being there makes me feel pretty gutted, but obviously doesn't mean a great deal to her. There was no apology just a 'you won't miss much' text.

I should point out that she's my MoH.

She's taken a complete inactive stance in the whole MoH thing...I've arranged my own hen, and even though she knows I've bought the dress, she showed no interest and didn't ask to see pictures of it. I invited her to a Pinterest board where her and our other friend who's my only other bridesmaid can pin dresses they might like to wear, and she's not accepted the invitation.

I've offered her help with her planning at every opportunity, but she's not taken me up on any of it (which is fine, I know some people like to knuckle down and go it alone).

It's all just so out of character, as we've been talking about our weddings since we were little.

I'm a major confrontation dodger, but do I have to say something?

I feel so down about the whole thing. I never imagined either of our weddings being organised without each others help or presence, and feel really strange about her being my MoH.

I've drafted a message basically saying how I feel the dynamic has shifted to an unhealthy place etc etc, and how much I care for her and would ultimately regret missing a milestone like her hen.

Totally on the fence about sending, as we're in a very walking-on-eggshells kinda place right now (help!)

OP posts:
Sarahh2014 · 16/03/2018 12:51

Sounds like she's paranoid that you will steal her wedding ideas so is keeping you at a distance I bet you anything her wedding date is before yours anything that is remotely similar she can claim as having it first

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2018 12:53

I agree, she may be your closest friend but are you hers?

Because the pps are right, don't write to her, agree coffee and ask if everything is ok. It may be she's overwhelmed with other stuff, from work to wedding and not given it a lot of thought. Or being your moh and doing her own wedding etc is too much for her.

AntiHop · 16/03/2018 12:54

Speak to her in person. This isn't the kind of conversation you can have by text.

Ididnthearanything · 16/03/2018 12:59

I feel sorry for your friend - she sounds very jealous. Hard for her.

However you have to take care of yourself. I think what I would do is ask her if everything is ok. And let the conversation take off. If she blanks you and says all is well you need to decide if you want to say 'you seem off' or just leave it. She may not be your closest friend.

No easy answer and it is upsetting but she must be feeling rotten.
Make sure it doesn't interrupt your lovely day.

diddl · 16/03/2018 13:00

" I never imagined either of our weddings being organised without each others help or presence, "

Perhaps she did?

Maybe she feels that you disapprove of her getting engaged so soon after you-and the "form" of the engagement?

"She's taken a complete inactive stance in the whole MoH thing...I've arranged my own hen, and even though she knows I've bought the dress, she showed no interest "

I arranged my own hen night.

You sound very full on about your wedding imo.

LumeS · 16/03/2018 13:01

I HATE confrontation too but i definitely think you should speak to her. I know it seems easier to write out your feelings in a message but if you've been friends that long i think a face to face conversation is best. You never know something could be bothering her that might not actually have anything to do with you but doesn't know how to speak to you and all this is a cry out for help.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/03/2018 13:01

I think something else has gone on. I'd go and chat to her and find out what's wrong.

Dustysparrow · 16/03/2018 13:02

I agree with thecatsthecats post above - it sounds like you were initially put out about her getting engaged so quickly after you and she has picked up on it. Sometimes things like this can be obvious in our body language or tone even if we don't mean it to be. If this is what has happened she may well have taken offence.

PoorYorick · 16/03/2018 13:03

It isn't confrontation to take a supposed friend for coffee and ask them if something's up because they don't seem to be themselves.

Just be prepared to listen to what she says. It certainly sounds off from what you've said but we have only your perspective. There may be other things that you honestly didn't realise were significant. It might just be all her, of course, but if you're going to talk to her be prepared to listen to what she says, in case there is something you've missed.

OliviaStabler · 16/03/2018 13:03

Meet her face to face to chat. A message is unlikely go over well on such a sensitive subject.

mimibunz · 16/03/2018 13:06

Sounds like she's competing but also feeling very insecure. She's probably not going to be your friend for much longer. Gee, I hate this kind of stuff. It's so messy and lacking in self-awareness.

troodiedoo · 16/03/2018 13:09

Another vote for face to face. Something is definitely amiss here. Hope you can get to the bottom of it.

I wouldn't issue a summons for crisis talks though, keep it casual and say you'd love to catch up over coffee/wine.

Another idea would be to get your fiance to take hers out for a drink and see if anything can be gleaned that way (sneaky).

MayFayner · 16/03/2018 13:09

So she hasn't asked you to be a bridesmaid / Moh? Who did she ask?

troodiedoo · 16/03/2018 13:11

Also worth considering is, are you very different to her in physical appearance?

Lweji · 16/03/2018 13:11

I'd want to have a proper talk with her. Starting by asking if all is well with her, between you two and if she still wants to be your MoH.

WeAllHaveWings · 16/03/2018 13:15

If she is your closest friend of 25 years and you cant bring this up with her face to face then you are not that close.

Hopefully it is a misunderstanding of some sort and you can work it out easily with a bit of honesty.

peachgreen · 16/03/2018 13:16

Did you express your feelings about her engagement being weird timing?

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 16/03/2018 13:24

Talk to her face to face, definitely. I think she might feel like you've "won the race" by getting engaged first. If people were expecting them to get engaged before you, too, she might feel like she's sharing the limelight - especially if you have a lot of mutual friends. One of my closest friends got engaged, another friend in her former uni course friendship group got engaged a few weeks later, set a similar wedding date and my friend went Bridezilla. She didn't want them compared at all and wouldn't discuss her wedding with this group and made sure they weren't on her hen/in her bridal party etc.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 16/03/2018 13:29

Seriously diddl? "She's taken a complete inactive stance in the whole MoH thing...I've arranged my own hen, and even though she knows I've bought the dress, she showed no interest "
I arranged my own hen night.
You sound very full on about your wedding imo.

Usually the MoH does at the very least help organise the hen night with the Bride to be. The OP is simply stating that she was left to organise her own hen night by herself. I don't see that as being very full on about her own wedding. Just that she is being left to her own devices by an unhelpful MoH.

MatildaTheCat · 16/03/2018 13:36

Truthfully, my instant reaction was, oh...weird timing.

I think this is where it stems from. You probably upset her at that point and showed your feelings. Talk to her, she’s your closest friend. Be as sorry as it takes if I’m correct.

I’m older and cannot believe the faff of modern weddings but even to me this sounds off and as if she is pretty seriously pissed off with you.

FluffyWuffy100 · 16/03/2018 13:38

You have to ask her what’s up! Just do it :-)

Makingworkwork · 16/03/2018 13:40

To be honest if you are in your 20/30s it is not unusual that you are getting married about the same time.

Is you wedding month July or August by any chance? Again that would just be wedding season.

ItsuAddict · 16/03/2018 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleepingInYourFlowerbed · 16/03/2018 13:43

One of my closest friends got engaged a few days weeks after me and ended up with a wedding date 3 weeks before me. She had her hen do on a weekend I couldn't do. None of it "meant" anything. None of it was an issue.

Maybe she's picked up on the fact that you think it's weird she got engaged just after you or that her proposal wasn't as good as yours. Stop comparing everything would be my advice.

HolyShet · 16/03/2018 13:44

When you reacted - did you let your "oh weird timing" thought show?