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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Probably being a bridezilla but...is my friend being weird!?

167 replies

NCjustincase123 · 16/03/2018 12:16

NC, although it won't help much if she's reading, as this is full of outing details Blush

DP and I got engaged just before Christmas Smile

My closest friend (of 25 years) was in on the secret, giving the ring her nod of approval back in October.

2 weeks after we got engaged, her DP proposed. They've been together 10 years, and it sounds like it was spur of the moment; he bought the ring the day before.

Truthfully, my instant reaction was, oh...weird timing Confused, followed by immense happiness for her.

I assumed that she'd also recognise the funny awkwardness, and we'd have a laugh about it and move on.

...This is where it gets odd.

She's been so cold with me since her engagement...telling me about the proposal in a group chat, skipping over all of the juicy details, and jumping straight to mentioning that she'll probably opt for a wedding date within the same month as mine this year.

I'm well aware that I can't bagsy a whole calendar month(!) but I just assumed she'd want to put a bit of distance between them, given our friendship groups have some crossover, and 2 x weddings within a couple of weeks of each other will put financial strain on a lot of attendees.

As it happens, she's now opted for early summer date, the hen will be in a few month's time.

She asked which dates I couldn't do for the hen - there was only 1. The hen is now being held on that date, as it's the one "most people can attend on". The thought of not being there makes me feel pretty gutted, but obviously doesn't mean a great deal to her. There was no apology just a 'you won't miss much' text.

I should point out that she's my MoH.

She's taken a complete inactive stance in the whole MoH thing...I've arranged my own hen, and even though she knows I've bought the dress, she showed no interest and didn't ask to see pictures of it. I invited her to a Pinterest board where her and our other friend who's my only other bridesmaid can pin dresses they might like to wear, and she's not accepted the invitation.

I've offered her help with her planning at every opportunity, but she's not taken me up on any of it (which is fine, I know some people like to knuckle down and go it alone).

It's all just so out of character, as we've been talking about our weddings since we were little.

I'm a major confrontation dodger, but do I have to say something?

I feel so down about the whole thing. I never imagined either of our weddings being organised without each others help or presence, and feel really strange about her being my MoH.

I've drafted a message basically saying how I feel the dynamic has shifted to an unhealthy place etc etc, and how much I care for her and would ultimately regret missing a milestone like her hen.

Totally on the fence about sending, as we're in a very walking-on-eggshells kinda place right now (help!)

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 16/03/2018 13:45

When you reacted - did you let your "oh weird timing" thought show?

OP will almost certainly say of course not, but the only person who knows for certain is the friend.

If you think about it, there are many, many threads on here from people which say, in essence, "X did this. I had a negative response but didn't show it. But she's now acting as if I did show it. What's going on?"

Luckyme2 · 16/03/2018 13:46

"Truthfully, my instant reaction was, oh...weird timing confused, followed by immense happiness for her.

I assumed that she'd also recognise the funny awkwardness, and we'd have a laugh about it and move on. "

I'd say she picked up on this. Why would there be any funny awkwardness? Surely it would be exciting getting engaged at the same time as your best friend. And then you probably would have been planning everything together etc. But I think your initial reaction has made her see that you thought you had "first dibs" on the wedding and she's reacted to that. Have a heart to heart with her and make her see that you are as excited for her as she initially was for you. Good luck!

longestlurkerever · 16/03/2018 13:48

I could be wrong, but I'd guess that she was jealous when you got engaged. Not unhappy for you, but feeling left behind. She might have had a row with her dp about it and it culminated in her engagement. Then when you were pushing for details of a romantic engagement, she got defensive and sad again, and things have spiralled. I think I would say something but probably in a slightly more light hearted way than the email you've drafted - Ideally in in person chat saying you are disappointed about missing the hen and are feeling sad that she seems a bit distant lately, and see what she says? x

Luckyme2 · 16/03/2018 13:48

Also - I assume she told you about the details of the proposal in a group chat rather than when she initially told you she was engaged because she saw your reaction to the initial announcement and couldn't be bothered discussing the rest of it with you if that was how you felt.

ShutYourIgnorantBitchyMouth · 16/03/2018 13:50

HolyShet - exactly what I thought.

But you need to talk to her honestly and openly.

diddl · 16/03/2018 13:58

" I don't see that as being very full on about her own wedding. "

That was more to do with no reaction from friend to Op's wedding dress.

If all this has happened since Op's reaction to her friend's engagement, though, I'm not surprised that no interest is being shown.

DextroDependant · 16/03/2018 14:00

I agree with others, it comes across as you think you had first dibs on getting married and are put out that she is too. Your friend has picked up on it and is backing off.

Gazelda · 16/03/2018 14:00

I agree with thecatsthecats. She's picked up on your initial disapproval and senses that you feel your wedding to be the most important and hers is an after thought (which is the feeling in getting from your post).

Just because he proposed on the spur of the moment, doesn't make it weird or awkward.

I agree that it's a shame you can't make her Hen, and I'd be upset about that.

But maybe you are two different types of bride - one who organises and pays attention to the tiniest detail and spends most waking moments thinking about the wedding (no criticism, it's how I was!) Versus a 'wing it' type who only organises details as they flit into her head or someone prods her to sort it.

diddl · 16/03/2018 14:02

" it sounds like it was spur of the moment; he bought the ring the day before. "

I don't really get what's wrong with that tbh.

They've been together 10yrs!

ginch · 16/03/2018 14:02

What a shame OP, I really feel for you. Not sure why posters are having a go about your initial reaction, she must have half expected it, it was weird timing! Weddings are expensive and most people do try to stagger them within friendship groups.

I think she's had a long standing niggle with you that you've been unaware of and this has just brought it to the fore.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 16/03/2018 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SadieHH · 16/03/2018 14:10

It’s weird. And given that her engagement and wedding date were arranged after yours, the timing is even weirder and obviously deliberate. I don’t believe anyone who says this wouldn’t bother them, in the real world of course it would. She’s clearly got a stick up her arse about something and I’d have to have it out with her.

Btw I’m speaking as someone whose childhood friend dumped me horribly and suddenly a couple of weeks before my wedding leaving me with no bridesmaid (I only had one adult and two small children as bridesmaids). Years later we made contact and she admitted it was pure jealously but we lost contact again after one meet up and I’ve never heard from her since. People are strange.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 16/03/2018 14:12

It's possible that after her helping your DP out with the ring she has gone back to her own DP and thrown a few hints.

Either way it seems she is not as good a friend as you originally thought. She is showing no interest and I don't think she will be a good choice for MOH.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 16/03/2018 14:16

Something similar happened to me when I got married. It turned out behind the scenes she was already engaged and had planned her wedding date. Both the date we announced our engagement (to the day) and the time (roughly) we planned to marry clashed with ours. We inadvertently beat them out of the traps and scuppered their plans.

She was a right bitch about it and behaved like she’d done it deliberately. Some people are weird.

NCjustincase123 · 16/03/2018 14:28

Wow, thank you for all of the help Flowers

To answer a few Qs...

I know you'll have to take my word on this, but I did not show my fleeting oh, weird timing gut reaction. This weird feeling lasted for about 5 minutes after receiving the news, and was quickly replaced with me chastising myself, giving my head a good shake, and being really genuinely happy for her and her DP.

I didn't talk about it with anyone other than my DP.

She told me about the proposal in a group whatsapp message, and within minutes I replied with genuine congratulatory chat, asked to meet so I could buy her a drink and sent a card in the post with a heartfelt message.

My momentary weirdness - which I'm happy to own, btw!! - was over within minutes, and she didn't witness any of it. That is why the coldness has knocked me for 6.

I'm not being full-on with my planning at all, and I've barely mentioned a single element of this side of things to her, off the back of her not asking. We're good enough friends for me to pick up on it being a not-interested topic, and to change the chat to other things!

I've planned a low-key affair with minimal guests and expense, and I only wanted to show her the dress as this is the kind of thing we'd normally be squealing with excitement over. I don't believe people who are making out showing your MoH the dress is self-absorbed, demanding, or obsessive-about-detail Hmm

We've since met a few times and I've tried my best to gauge her emotions, mirror her desire to talk about weddings, and be positively responsive. Each time I've left feeling sad and trying to work out where I went wrong.

For those asking, it's not about money, she's far far better off than I. It's not about looks, she's beautiful and confident.

We're very 'texty' friends, so it wouldn't be weird for me to get the first bit down in a message and suggest a drink off the back of it, however I'm going to take the majorities advice and reach out for a drink in the first instance with a view to casually broach it in person. No lynching.

OP posts:
WinstonlovesJulia1984 · 16/03/2018 14:34

Perhaps it's that she's preoccupied with her wedding, just as you are busy with yours?

Sometimes the simplest answer is the right one....

Luckyme2 · 16/03/2018 14:36

Ah on that basis then I'd go with those suggesting she was jealous all along, hence the timing of her engagement. That's crap for you. You know best how your friendship works but whether by initial text or in person I'd definitely be raising the issue with her!

Astrabees · 16/03/2018 14:37

Please let us know how you get on. OP, this is quite a fascinating thread, and I've mused over the possible psychology in play here, would be good to know the explanation and hopefully the chat will resolve any issues.

Tumblrpigeon · 16/03/2018 14:37

This is everything that’s wrong about weddings.

The only person who REALLY cares about your wedding is you.
And rightly so.

Hope you have a great day

Roussette · 16/03/2018 14:37

Aren't people strange? And I think she is being very odd with you. God knows what's going on in her head but I think it's a bit mean to accept being MoH and then do bugger all!

It's not as if you're asking her to run around sorting stuff but an interest in your day should be a given. To be frank, if it were me, I'd ask her outright if she actually wanted to be MoH. You will know the answer straightaway from her face.

It just sounds like this friendship has changed and what is worse, you don't know why.

I'm going through this at the moment with someone I've known all my life... decades... so you have my sympathies, I hope it gets sorted one way or the other. Don't let it fester, I'm a bit guilty of that.

ginch · 16/03/2018 14:43

I'll be very surprised if you ever get the real reason for her behaviour. Whatever the problem, I doubt it will show her in a good light.

PoorYorick · 16/03/2018 14:54

My momentary weirdness - which I'm happy to own, btw!! - was over within minutes, and she didn't witness any of it.

But didn't you also mention 'funny awkwardness'? That implies a shared feeling between you.

You need to talk to her and listen. I've quite recently been surprised by how much I apparently showed an emotion that I honestly would have sworn to heaven I had contained entirely. It's not an emotion that upset anyone, if anything people thought it was funny, but it surprised me because I really, truly thought I had hidden it entirely.

Sammysquiz · 16/03/2018 14:54

I’ll go against the majority & discuss it via text or email. Then it gives her a chance to consider her response. There’s obviously lots of complicated emotions flying around, might be easier for both parties to have a bit of distance whilst discussing it.

NCjustincase123 · 16/03/2018 15:08

@PoorYorick I'll definitely take that. I'm sure there's a lot that can be taken from what isn't said, as much as what is.

And I definitely need to talk and listen. We're friends, first and foremost, and that's all I care about getting back to.

I've no desire to get into a bizarre passive aggressive competition over something that should be a relaxed and happy occasion for both of us.

OP posts:
missnevermind · 16/03/2018 15:53

I think I am taking a different direction to everybody else here.
Let her know that you have noticed how busy she seems to be and suggest that you have been selfish by also asking her to be your MOH so close to her own wedding. So if that will help her out you can let her off being one.
She will either protest and say she wants to do it or she wont.

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