Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Probably being a bridezilla but...is my friend being weird!?

167 replies

NCjustincase123 · 16/03/2018 12:16

NC, although it won't help much if she's reading, as this is full of outing details Blush

DP and I got engaged just before Christmas Smile

My closest friend (of 25 years) was in on the secret, giving the ring her nod of approval back in October.

2 weeks after we got engaged, her DP proposed. They've been together 10 years, and it sounds like it was spur of the moment; he bought the ring the day before.

Truthfully, my instant reaction was, oh...weird timing Confused, followed by immense happiness for her.

I assumed that she'd also recognise the funny awkwardness, and we'd have a laugh about it and move on.

...This is where it gets odd.

She's been so cold with me since her engagement...telling me about the proposal in a group chat, skipping over all of the juicy details, and jumping straight to mentioning that she'll probably opt for a wedding date within the same month as mine this year.

I'm well aware that I can't bagsy a whole calendar month(!) but I just assumed she'd want to put a bit of distance between them, given our friendship groups have some crossover, and 2 x weddings within a couple of weeks of each other will put financial strain on a lot of attendees.

As it happens, she's now opted for early summer date, the hen will be in a few month's time.

She asked which dates I couldn't do for the hen - there was only 1. The hen is now being held on that date, as it's the one "most people can attend on". The thought of not being there makes me feel pretty gutted, but obviously doesn't mean a great deal to her. There was no apology just a 'you won't miss much' text.

I should point out that she's my MoH.

She's taken a complete inactive stance in the whole MoH thing...I've arranged my own hen, and even though she knows I've bought the dress, she showed no interest and didn't ask to see pictures of it. I invited her to a Pinterest board where her and our other friend who's my only other bridesmaid can pin dresses they might like to wear, and she's not accepted the invitation.

I've offered her help with her planning at every opportunity, but she's not taken me up on any of it (which is fine, I know some people like to knuckle down and go it alone).

It's all just so out of character, as we've been talking about our weddings since we were little.

I'm a major confrontation dodger, but do I have to say something?

I feel so down about the whole thing. I never imagined either of our weddings being organised without each others help or presence, and feel really strange about her being my MoH.

I've drafted a message basically saying how I feel the dynamic has shifted to an unhealthy place etc etc, and how much I care for her and would ultimately regret missing a milestone like her hen.

Totally on the fence about sending, as we're in a very walking-on-eggshells kinda place right now (help!)

OP posts:
NCjustincase123 · 16/03/2018 16:11

@missnevermind Yeah - that thought did cross my mind. To be fair, I did ask her in the 2 weeks between, so before she became engaged.

With her having a short engagement, it really genuinely is a lot to have on the go at once, so I don't think it would be PA to give her the opportunity to duck out.

OP posts:
Schoolchoicesucks · 16/03/2018 16:23

Or. As she's been with her dp for 10 years, maybe she doesn't see her wedding as such a huge deal. Cementing her relationship rather than a big step change.
So while she was happy to help your dp pick out a ring and be part of the surprise, she's finding it hard to mirror your level of excitement?
I got married after 12 years with dp. It was a short engagement. A lovely day. But I struggle to maintain enthusiasm in (what I see as) other people's wedding obsessions sometimes, even though I am happy for my friends.

Jenasaurus · 16/03/2018 16:45

how would she react if she spotted this thread and realised it was about her, would it clear the air or be a starting point to clear the air? Just wondered as you mentioned she would recognise herself if she did read this thread.

NCjustincase123 · 16/03/2018 16:52

@Schoolchoicesucks Yeah, I'd absolutely agree with this, if it wasn't in complete contrast to everything she's said on the matter before now.

Not that long ago, she was the kinda girl to have a secret wedding Pinterest board and a dream proposal scenario Shock

I think ultimately I've probably just misjudged my place in her life and made a tit of myself in asking her to be MoH.

Irrelevant to how little I care about something, if it's what makes my friend happy (and it's non-offensive) I'm all for encouraging and supporting their happiness. I could show genuine interest in bin collecting, if it meant a lot to a friend. Or at the very least I'd be totally honest and say it's not really my cup of tea, but I'm glad they're enjoying it Smile

@Jenasaurus It probably wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, as I've not said anything here I'd not say to her face. I just need to summon the courage to get there!

OP posts:
Jenasaurus · 16/03/2018 16:59

yes, I think if I was her and saw this thread I would want to try and patch things up and get the relationship back to good terms, you haven't said anything nasty, its basically you miss the relationship and hoped to share your wedding planning so I don't think it would upset her.

MaidenMotherCrone · 16/03/2018 17:30

Are you more middle class than her OP?

Only on Mumsnet! Hmm

VeganCatLover · 16/03/2018 20:18

Is she having bridesmaids op?

Bananamanfan · 16/03/2018 20:32

I also think there is something else going on between her & her dp,as a pp suggested. Have they been together longer than you & your dp? It could be that you taking the next step caused an argument between them and made the engagement/planning forced and unenjoyable, which is why she is hiding from you.

VeganCow · 19/03/2018 13:37

I think this is about the dynamics of friendship. Does anyone else find that that in a friendshio there is usually one of the friends that likes to talk about their life, their feelings etc over and above the other person? As in it is always about 'them'? And I dont mean that they arent a nice person. I mean one is usually the 'volunteerer' and the other is usually the 'confidante'. I have a couple of friends like this, and it doesn't bother me but I can imagine that when it comes to both sides having the same life experience to discuss, the imbalance becomes noticable.

YellowSunshinePaint · 20/03/2018 10:45

Hope your chat went well op!

NCjustincase123 · 22/03/2018 15:17

Merci, everyone Smile Flowers

I text her over the weekend w/ a suggestion to meet up and mentioned that I was a bit hurt to miss the hen, but these things happen, etc etc.

We're meeting tonight...

Probably being a bridezilla but...is my friend being weird!?
OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 22/03/2018 17:51

Sometimes it takes a major life event for people's real/hidden colours to show themselves - and you are now seeing hers.

Don't be a fool and think it will all be ok just because she makes the right noises AFTER you've had to literally force the issue out into the open.....that's presuming she doesn't go into victim mode after you share your feelings with her tonight.

She's playing the passive aggressive, one upman-ship game with you and you would be wise to heed the warning.

I'd diplomatically replace her as MoH - esp as there's been no honour in her attitude and lack of engagement with you.
Keep dress/decor details a secret from her otherwise i bet she will fuck you about with that too.

She is not the kind of friend you need - esp right now - so i'd pre-empt any fuckwittery from her.

honeysucklejasmine · 22/03/2018 18:03

Good luck OP.

I wonder if she was upset by how her proposal went. You say she was the type to have a fantasy scenario planned out and that you think it was a last minute affair from her OH. Maybe she's just upset and is now upset about the whole wedding, so avoiding it entirely. There may also be a touch of jealousy about how yours went, so she's blanking you. She probably knows it's unfair and silly but can't face it.

My ILs were very upset when my DH proposed. They hung up on him after telling him he was stupid, then spent weeks sending him emails about how much he'd regret it. It was awful, really ruined that time for us. My bridesmaid had to drag me out dress shopping, I was so upset by their reaction that I didn't want to do anything. They think I'm great now

Lj8893 · 22/03/2018 18:12

Just read this thread. I wonder if it is a bit of secret jealousy, but it could be a number of things. For all you know, she may not realise she is being like this at all!

Good luck for tonight, hope you manage to sort things.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 22/03/2018 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Farmerswife36 · 22/03/2018 19:00

Has she asked you to be her moh ? Good luck tonight and please please update us as to what she has said . Nothing worse than a thread that goes un answered - good luck op Flowers

MintyChops · 22/03/2018 19:06

Good luck OP, hope she is honest with you and it goes well.

SusanChurchouse · 22/03/2018 19:20

Good luck OP. I had a similar thing with my MOH in the run up to my wedding and my biggest regret is that I never cleared the air with her beforehand.

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 22/03/2018 19:23

Any updates op

PattiStanger · 22/03/2018 19:24

Good luck with your chat, maybe something else is going on in her life and it's not anything you've done

Tistheseason17 · 22/03/2018 19:29

Hope it goes well. Sometimes wedding planning causes more stress than you imagine.

willynillypie · 22/03/2018 19:29

longestlurkerever I agree with you! I am sure she is just jealous for whatever reason. Regardless, it must be very hurtful and difficult for you OP, and I am sorry for that. Good luck with the chat - please update us!

milliemolliemou · 22/03/2018 19:30

Probably she feels overloaded with wedding planning etc - and clearly if she's organising her own hen (hence asking you re dates) she may be finding it hard to keep all the balls in the air. Good luck but suspect you're in the middle of it all as I type, so do report back.

amymel2016 · 22/03/2018 19:30

Good luck op

altiara · 22/03/2018 19:34

So she didn’t even call to say she was engaged, just announced via what’s app to a group? or is this normal? I rang a few friends when I got engaged, can’t remember how many though.

Swipe left for the next trending thread