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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's schedule. Please give me your thoughts...

326 replies

Okyep · 16/03/2018 11:20

This is DH's current schedule:

Monday: Sport 1
Tuesday: Sport 2
Thursday: Sport 3
Saturday/Sunday alternate or both according to schedule: Sport 3

Out children are teenagers but still require input/time. We both work full-time. We don't do anything together. I am fucked off as Sport 3 is a new thing. He thinks I am massively unreasonable/needy.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 16/03/2018 14:39

*Oh and for the poster upthread that asked about my birthday and our anniversary. It's always a big hassle for him. He always leaves it til about 4pm the day before and then makes a big deal about having to go to the shop. It makes me feel terrible actually.

Even now though I'm wondering if I'm presenting him badly because I'm just pissed off. He is very popular and well-liked. Me? Not so much*

You sound very down on yourself. Maybe you need to forget about making him want to spend time with you for the moment and make you want to spend time with yourself. I was watching an interview with Will Smith recently and he was talking about a conversation he'd had with his wife about the secret to a good and lasting relationship and his wife said - to realise that no one but me is responsible for my happiness, that my husband can make me laugh etc but I should already be happy and vice versa.
I know this is coming from celeb couples etc but it does have alot of truth in it. I think if you go away (not literally leave the marriage obviously) and do a course, join a cooking class or an exercise class or whatever or even one of the nights he's out make a plan for yourself at home, buy a bottle of wine, get yourself a take away, watch a film or read a book whatever and just try to value time with yourself and your own company then coming from that place where you like yourself makes you stronger and better able to judge what's going on in your relationship because you're not afraid of being on your own anymore

foodiefil · 16/03/2018 14:41

So selfish. How much does all of that cost as well? Kit, subs? Start spending the equivalent on yourself. Go for cocktails, get your hair done, nails, buy clothes - if that's your thing Thanks

foodiefil · 16/03/2018 14:41

Are we sure sport 3 isn't Tracy in accounts?

ravenmum · 16/03/2018 14:41

He is very popular and well-liked. Me? Not so much.
Personally I've found that since separating from my husband and my role as the nasty nagging one, that issue has resolved itself. More friends, feeling better about myself as not constantly being put in that role, happier.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 16/03/2018 14:43

My exh was also well liked and much more outgoing than me. When we broke up several friends said that they didn't know how I'd put up with him for so long. People see through the 'mr popular' act and understand that if he's out 4 nights a week with them, he is choosing to spend that time away from his DCs. I can guarantee that there are friends of his who wonder why you stay with him when he's so selfish.

FauxFox · 16/03/2018 14:43

You sound so down on yourself - being there for your kids to listen and help them is not nothing! it's vital in order to make sure they become secure, confident adults. Saying your DH is well liked and you are not - what do you mean?! Just because he is extrovert with many 'friends' doesn't mean that you with only a few real friends are not likeable.

You sound like very different people, what was your relationship like when you met? Did he always have the upper hand in the perceived power balance or has this only been since you had children?

lils888 · 16/03/2018 14:47

@foodiefil I was thinking the same thing Blush

Original poster
Okyep · 16/03/2018 14:51

This thread is making me examine things and they way they are...

We met when we were very young. He'd dispute this, but when we met I was probably more popular with many friends. As the years have gone on, I have aged badly and he has aged very well and no one believes he is as old as he is. I feel about 122. People do prefer him to me though, it's not just bluff. Even members of my family like him and don't want anything to do with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Okyep · 16/03/2018 14:51

the way they are.

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 16/03/2018 14:52

Definitely try the counselling, OP. Have you ever talked with any RL friends or family about this?

Different couples are happy with different amounts of time spent apart and on hobbies, but I'm appalled by how selfish your husband sounds. You sound wonderful and incredibly hard-working and it just sounds like he is taking advantage of you :-( and doesn't give a toss about your needs.

Sports kit--my vote is for not being passive-aggressive but for being very calm about it. Just tell him that you've realized how unfair it is that you work FT and also do all the housework/childcare while he's out being Sporty McSporterson, so he's going to have to take care of the extra domestic work generated by his hobbies. Repeat as needed.

I'm dying to know what the sports in question are but you don't have to share!

CousinKrispy · 16/03/2018 14:53

Well sod your family then :-( your own family should never love a spouse more than their own child/sibling/whatever ... do you think it's maybe just possible that isn't true, that it's low self esteem talking? If you poured your heart out to a family member about all this what would the reaction be?

AdaColeman · 16/03/2018 14:54

It's not only that he's leaving all the practical things to you Okyep he's leaving you emotionally isolated too. Thanks

TalkinBoutWhat · 16/03/2018 14:55

Probably because you've become a different person because of being with him.

My DDad is a lot like your DH. He was seen as being so kind and generous by everyone in the community. But he was rarely there for us as a father. I don't have all that much to do with him now. I pity my mum for having to put up with him. Note, I pity her, I don't respect her for it. Is that what you want from your DC?

FauxFox · 16/03/2018 14:57

I really doubt you have aged badly Okyep your self-confidence has been worn away by his lack of support and appreciation which has made you feel tired, old and unworthy. Sad

You need to get your mojo back and realise what a strong, capable, worthy person you are so you can move forward and be happy. When your children leave home what do you want your life to be like? Start working towards that and don't hang your plans on your H, learn to be self sufficient and independent - you don't need his permission or involvement to have fun. How he reacts to you taking the power back will help you decide whether he is worth staying with.

RandomMess · 16/03/2018 14:57

You know the way your H has treated you over the years - as a domestic appliance has eroded your self esteem so much more than you realise SadSadSadThanks

Original poster
Okyep · 16/03/2018 14:57

Religious, conservative family. They wouldn't help much.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 16/03/2018 14:58

Ageing has fuck all to do with friendship. I have a friend who is 90. She’s ace.

It would not be surprising if you have aged more than he has given that you have double the workload. You’re basically a single mother to 3 kids,

If you have fewer friends now than you did it may be that he’s sapped your confidence.

TalkinBoutWhat · 16/03/2018 14:59

Religious, conservative family.... I can see why you've allowed yourself to be treated the way you have. Sad

Original poster
Okyep · 16/03/2018 15:01

I am reading and listening to all comments. Please don't think I am just moaning for the sake of it.

I am loving the strength and feistiness!

OP posts:
StormTreader · 16/03/2018 15:02

Hes a teenager. He literally treats your house like a hotel, out with his sports mates most nights and leaves you his kit to wash at the end of it. In my experience these people are ALWAYS well liked because they're always cheerful and friendly and have time to go to the pub...because you are dealing with all the family work, hidden away in the scullery and kitchen.
If you lived in a fully catered apartment with all your meals cooked and washing and cleaning done, wouldn't YOU be usually cheery and easy-going as well?

The birthday and anniversary thing doesn't surprise me, he sulks through it because for one brief period of time its not all about whats fun for HIM.

whiskyowl · 16/03/2018 15:02

"as a domestic appliance"

This is such a great phrase, and I'm afraid it really sums it up OP. I'm so sorry.

Original poster
Okyep · 16/03/2018 15:06

I have to go and do some work. Paid work. Thank you for all comments, even those who disagreed with me. I really appreciate the input and time you have taken to comment.

Flowers
OP posts:
Lookatmenow · 16/03/2018 15:06

You still sound to me like you are not only doing all the grunt work for him but also not doing anything fun for you. You long for someone to spend time with; does it have to be him?

You want to be with the kids more because they are moving out soon

how about rather than just being their taxi/bank/cook you actually make dates to do something with them. I go to the theatre regually with my DD16 (even little independent ones) and have just started ski lessons with my DS13 - It's about me bonding with them (without dad) and giving us time to spend together as we get older with eachother.

ravenmum · 16/03/2018 15:10

People do prefer him to me though, it's not just bluff.
He is not the benchmark you have to live up to.

Even members of my family like him and don't want anything to do with me.
In my case it was my ex's friends who mostly didn't like me, but his family were difficult too. My ex did not allow me to complain about them, saying "They don't mean to be rude, so it would be horrible of you to complain", so I came across as moody or difficult. Since we split up I have said what I think to them, it has cleared the air and we get on much better.
Similar with my ex's friends - he would never back me up, was always on their side and so I came across as unpleasant. Plus we'd always arrive everywhere late thanks to him and I'd be really pissed off about that (he couldn't care) so again I'd be rubbed up the wrong way and come across badly. And he would sit talking to them about boring subjects, not including me so that I would be almost asleep in my chair by the end of an evening. All that is now gone.

How does it work when you and he are together with friends or family?

ravenmum · 16/03/2018 15:11

After we broke up the first thing I did was go on holiday, just me and the kids, at the seaside. Lovely.

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