DH's schedule. Please give me your thoughts...

[Okyep]

This is DH's current schedule:

Monday: Sport 1
Tuesday: Sport 2
Thursday: Sport 3
Saturday/Sunday alternate or both according to schedule: Sport 3

Out children are teenagers but still require input/time. We both work full-time. We don't do anything together. I am fucked off as Sport 3 is a new thing. He thinks I am massively unreasonable/needy.

Who IBU?

Yup Hellbells.....our day not dissimilar. Shopping & Drycleaning pick up (me and DH), paying bills (DH), lunch en famille, school admin (both) and stroppy DS counselling (me and DH). Tonight we are going out with friends and tomorrow DH i know will want to do his 'thing' after taking DS out for a spin on his mountain bike. I can't complain ......

Hi, OP. I've been concentrating on your replies to the for the most part fantastic advice you've been given on here. You really seem to think that your role in your family amounts to nothing. Ime having had three teenagers, in some ways they actually need more of your time as it takes just being in the same room as them sometimes to hear about any issues or problems they may have.

As PPs have said, you are doing everything in the background that allows your H to have so much time to indulge himself. It's also true that unless you value yourself, others tend not to, either.

I hope you are gathering strength from this thread where we are rooting for you.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Such smart advice here and it has really given me a lot to think about over the last few days. At one point I actually panicked and emailed MNHQ to delete this thread, but then calmed a little and realised It’s not identification I’m really frightened of, it was actually the stopping and thinking about my situation. Weird. Anyway, progress, small but significant for me, has been made.

I have five new strong women/feminist memoirs by my bedside table to read.

I’ve joined a walking group that goes for full-day walks in the forest. They only go once a month but it will no doubt clash with his schedule at some point. Will be interesting to see what happens then.

I’m keeping my eyes open for other things I can/want to do. It’s been a long time since I took time for myself, so I’m really having to think about what it is I actually like! I’m doing this for me though. Not to prove any kind of point to him. The poster up thread who said I sounded exhausted was completely right.

DH did sleep on the couch the other night and we haven’t discussed anything since. He won’t want to, and will expect I’ll just get over it, as I always do and life will return to normal for him. But my eyes have been opened and reading your comments I feel there is a wall between us that I am now very much aware of.

Later in the year, both DC are away for a few nights at camp for an activity. I had previously suggested to DH we go away together, but I would be expected to make all the arrangements and remind him to book time off work (he hasn’t as yet). But I’m not going to do that. I know he would be unhappy about missing his sports commitments too.
Instead I’m either going to visit a friend who recently moved away, or, more likely, go away by myself. This is both scary and exciting for me.

I’ve also been doing a lot of thinking. I do walk around a lot of the time feeling very down on myself, except when I’m at work. I very much feel I let down DH a lot in social and family situations as I’m not bubbly or extroverted. But (stick with me on this) I’ve been watching a lot of Alicia Florick in The Good Wife and she is quiet and poker-faced and that’s okay. I’m starting to realise that it is okay for me to be who I am - not a social butterfly. No matter how exasperated DH gets with me.

This thread has been very much an eye-opener for me. Also, I apologise for any typos as I am typing away on my phone.

Hi OP, I've read the whole thread, and my heart goes out to you.
You sound really lovely.

The walking group sounds like a fantastic idea.

I really hope everything improves for you x

"I hope you are gathering strength from this thread where we are rooting for you."

I really am @IloveJudgeJudy.

@ravenmum I recognise myself a lot in what you say. He sides against me with everyone! We had a tradesperson in recently who upped his previously quoted price by 25% for no particular reason and DH sided against me then when I cancelled the job. It was baffling but not particularly unexpected. It really seems he takes the opposite side to me automatically.

Oh darling, I have just read the full thing and I feel so much empathy for you. I'm also the introvert in our relationship, although mine is far more connected to the kids and I than you have described your husband as being. Like you, I have been really down on myself and feeling minimising the value of what I have bring to the family. I describe it as a quiet midlife crisis. You, my darling one have compared yourself to an amoeba. I honestly think you need to imagine how you would feel if someone described one of your kids thusly. Would you be furiously protective? I think it's high time you started treating yourself this way. Obviously you have an inner life that is being unfulfilled. The reading and walking are a wonderful start. I think once you grab onto these small moments of happiness and nurture yourself physically and emotionally, the rest will fall into place. What that means for your marriage is up to you both, not him and not you alone.

Also - please tell me you've stopped washing his kit. Please.....?

@CousinKrispy I love the name SportyMcsportperson and that is how I am now referring to him in my head .

@justilou1 thank you for your kindness my fellow introvert. I hope you're right.

I have been doing laundry, but have so far managed to ignore kit for sport 2 which is in the pile.

So pleased to read that you are making changes OP. Ultimately the only person we can change is ourselves so enjoy making a new life for yourself

I've been quietly following the thread, and am so pleased to read your update. Good for you. Not quite the same situation, but I've recently started working out for the first time in my life, and I feel so much more positive about myself, everything. I'm sure your new activities will help you feel the same.

One point I did want to add though, is that from my perspective at least, I don't think your h sounds like a very nice man to be honest. Sports commitments aside, which is subjective to a degree, he isn't on your side. No wonder you're feeling slightly lost.

Thank you @ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual (love Kath and Kim!) I am so used to thinking he is such a catch in my head, that it is strange for me to now pause and consider whether that is really true.

I have a very minor health concern that I need to stay on top of. On a few occasions I’ve had to have some medical procedures and he minimises, forgets and on one occasion I had to lie to the staff and say I was not driving myself home. I was.

A man at work took the day off recently to support his partner through the same procedure. It was quite an important day at work and he encountered some difficulty, but persevered to be with his partner.

I didn’t think about it too much at the time, but now I am. I know comparison is never a good idea. I’m sure the man at work has faults too. But gee it would be nice to have some support when navigating medical procedures.

We chat over a glass of wine in the kitchen.

I am a season ticket holder for a sport and go to the games even on anniversaries, Boxing Day etc. DH is fine with it. Would be the same if it were him going. I hate to hear of people, usually men, being 'banned' from doing things by their other half.

Get yourself a hobby OP

OP I've just rtft and he is NOT a catch. He is a selfish, self absorbed controlling arrogant arsehole who knows exactly which buttons to push to keep you where he wants you so he can enjoy his life unfettered by annoying things like family. Keep making those small changes. Over time they add up. They will make a difference.

You need to not just ignore his sports kit laundry, you should point out that it's his responsibility. You've got enough on your plate without doing it too.

Re your monthly walks clashing with his schedule.
He'll say "my sport thing came first, you need to cancel your walk"
You say "no my walking thing is only once a month. It takes priority over your three times a week, every week stuff"

Fuck off busybeez. RTFT

Op you say your kids are teens. Are you able to leave them? I.e. from a safety point of view it doesn't matter if you and SB's schedules clash? I appreciate you want to spend time with them but if dh is effectively holding you to ransom regarding being the main childcarer, I just wondered how 'leavable' your kids are?

The children are leavable. It’s just if they also have things on that day or not. Unfortunately public transport is not an option.

I’m waiting for the next walk date to be posted and will go from there.

Ah ok. Yes that makes it more restrictive then. He sounds awful OP but I'm glad you're taking back some control.

@BreakfastAtSquiffanys that is a terrific response to him. Noted and will use.

One of the best things about my XH leaving was being liberated from constantly wishing he loved me/ wanted to be around me/ respected me...I won’t go on but you get the idea. I didn’t even know how that affected me until it stopped.

Atta girl OP.

I firmly believe that not everything in life has to be a race to the bottom, e.g.he has 3 sessions per week, so you must match it... sounds knackering.

I think your approach is perfect. It's small, sustainable changes that will build your self-esteem and self-compassion.

You're on your way out of the fog, I promise.

Does he do anything to contribute to the running of the household? If you do most chores, I would not only be leaving his kit, I would also not be washing his other clothes or cooking for him on the days he is doing his sport. Detach and revolve your life around you and the boys like he has clearly detached from you and his children. Tell him that you haven't got time to look after a third child rather than focus on the 'needing him' aspect. This has more to do with a lack of respect than you needing him to be present.

You need to not just ignore his sports kit laundry, you should point out that it's his responsibility. You've got enough on your plate without doing it too.

I very much agree with this. You need to lay it out in front of him. Not waiting for him to notice stuff.

If I were you I’d tell him directly that

a) you are not washing his kits anymore, you work full time, manage the house and the children and you don’t have time.

b) you will be going on your walks once a month and you will be leaving at X time and returning at Y time. He will be responsible for his children for the whole day.

YOU are being entirely reasonable here. Please don’t give him the chance to accuse you of being mean/nasty/bat shit (whichever his choice of phrase is) by not telling him your plans. He then had nothing to throw back at you.