DH's schedule. Please give me your thoughts...

[Okyep]

This is DH's current schedule:

Monday: Sport 1
Tuesday: Sport 2
Thursday: Sport 3
Saturday/Sunday alternate or both according to schedule: Sport 3

Out children are teenagers but still require input/time. We both work full-time. We don't do anything together. I am fucked off as Sport 3 is a new thing. He thinks I am massively unreasonable/needy.

Who IBU?

Tbh your family may sense your unhappiness and lack of confidence and that makes them uncomfortable in case they’re implicated.

Or perhaps they just ‘want to be on the side that’s winning’. Bob Dylan.

Firstly, can I just say that Fizzygreenwater has absolutely nailed this all the way through the thread.

I don't have much to add except that I think one of your fundamental problems is the fact that you feel needy and pathetic for wanting more of his time. Deep down you seem to believe that you are not deserving of his attention... I just want to reiterate what a pp said; you are not wrong to want and expect companionship, love and support from your dh. This is an absolutely normal and reasonable wish.

Does he always side against you with your family?

he wouldn't let us attend Sport 3 until he "gets better at it".

Are you sure he's doing Sport 3, OP, and not something else?

Oh and for the poster upthread that asked about my birthday and our anniversary. It's always a big hassle for him. He always leaves it til about 4pm the day before and then makes a big deal about having to go to the shop. It makes me feel terrible actually.

Blimey, the more you post, the more of a selfish bellend he sounds. Does he do ANYTHING for other people, or is it all for him, him, him?

I think your DH has found something that makes him happy. My DH is out doing karate 3 nights a week and our kids are small so I need to be home while he is out. His mood suffers when he doesn’t keep up his exercise so he is more fun to be around on the nights he is in. I felt lonely when he went from 2 nights to 3 but I started walking in a group with friends and my social meter was topped up by that. It’s up to you to start looking after yourself. I will probably also feel desperate to be around my kids when they are close to leaving. But maybe he has the right idea building a life that he wants once they are away so it’s not as heart breaking?

For a marriage to work there has to be an emotional connection. Once you start spending TOO much time doing things individually this connection begins to disappear. This is what seems to be happening in your case.
Have a heart to heart with him and tell him you worry that this part of your relationship is being lost. Don't tell him what to do. Ask him what he thinks should be done to resolve it.
I really do not agree with those saying the OP should just get hobbies of her own. A marriage is a partnership, a building of a life together and this is especially important as your kids start coming more independent and leaving.

Not my idea of fun... was he like this always? I mean, has his schedule changed?

I think I would be thinking about Sport 4, kicking him into shape.

I would book a holiday away during the week so he has to do all the running around for the kids. Make all of them realise how much you do for the family. Just go somewhere where you can put your feet up and relax for a few days.

Go on the holiday by yourself I mean. Have a Google for holidays for solo travellers.

I really do not agree with those saying the OP should just get hobbies of her own. A marriage is a partnership, a building of a life together and this is especially important as your kids start coming more independent and leaving.

I was one of those people who said that. Whilst I do agree with your post, my reasoning was more for the OP to get her own confidence and self worth back first, to start to like herself again before she tackles the issues in her relationship.

I really do not agree with those saying the OP should just get hobbies of her own.
I wasn't saying that she should just get hobbies of her own. That isn't the answer to her husband's packed schedule. But the answer to that would be him suddenly, miraculously seeing things in a new light and wanting to spend more time with her. And that is unlikely to happen.

At the same time, OP described how her life is either being with the kids or being on her own. Hobbies would make that aspect of her life better, give her more confidence and help prepare her for when her kids move out, as otherwise all she has left is "being on her own", as long as she's with her husband. Those are all things that she can work on alone, without her unwilling husband's input.

Yes, a marriage should be about having a connection and building a life together, but this whole thread is about OP's husband refusing to do just that. You can bring a horse to water etc.

He is very popular and well-liked. Me? Not so much
everyone on this thread seems to find you very like-able

You sound pretty switched on, Okyep. Put this into your brain on repeat "his hobby, his responsibility". Each time you go to bundle his kit into the wash to have it ready for the next time he wants it, stop and say that to yourself.

I get that you can see your children growing up and leaving the nest, and that you are worried about what that will mean for your life with only dh around - or rather not around much. So I have a suggestion.

If you were to start studying something you're interested in, that could give you somethingto distract yourself from doing his washing, in the first place!

Iknow you work ft, but if you were to pursue something simply out of interest, not because it furthered your careeror made you more employable or something, but purely because you like it, that is relaxing and also absorbing. If you had classes once a week, or a tutorialonce a month, you would meet people who were also interested and that would widen your social circle. You might even find that you're happy to go for drinks after a class, and maybe meet up with a couple of people for coffee before class etc.

An example: it used to be that a lot of the smaller choirs in London were run as evening classes; I made many lifelong friends that way. A couple of the choirs I sang in would regularly perform in the Albert Hall, Westminster Abbey, all over the Uk and Europe. This was 30-40 years ago, though and Idon't know if Local Authorities still fund that sortofclass (probably not) and you may not be interested in Church music either but you get the idea.

Regardless of how happy with you are with your career, classes and studying can lead to all sorts of opportunities to challenge yourself and to enjoy yourself, and are a good way to meet other people too.

Studying something or doing something, just for the sake of it is very relaxing and a good adjunct to work and family. Your dh knows this and has allowed it to take priority because he's forgott en that it's meant to be leisure, and leisure becomes nothing without the other things around it. You wouldn't do that.

You clearly bring a lot to the relationship - you prioritise him and your dc and keep the ship afloat. You’ve done an amazing job.

I think it would be great if you could achieve a bit of rebalancing with a positive outcome - it will be up to him to make that happen though. I agree with things like

• only doing your half of the chores, idly wonder outloud ‘why on earth do I do all the cleaning of your sports kit, I think that needs to stop, don’t you’
• telling him you will be going to x gym class at y time and so he will need to do lifts for dc (go bsllistic if he thinks his needs come first)
• look up some concerts/films etc and say you’d really like to go together, and book them up (and if he says it clashes with sport, say ‘so is everyone else available all the time then, or do they sometimes priorotise family life?’)

Good good luck

Wow, I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said, but I do hope you are able to make changes that will bring you happiness OP. Your husband does not respect or appreciate you the way he should. I hope you are able to see that more clearly now. Good luck!

I've never said this before, or even thought it, but blimey OP an affair would do you the power of good!

Disclaimer - this would be a very bad idea for all sorts of reasons

have a look at this
I think it is essential reading.

Religious family can be challenging, you all might love each other but they may find it hard to accept someone making a choice that goes against their religious rules. Which is really tough on you.

Though they might surprise you--possibly they'd care enough about your happiness to be in your corner. But it sounds like you know you can't expect that.

That means you need other people in your corner. You've got Mumsnet, but you'll need others too. Definitely seek out that counselling. Do you know any fellow mums in the area you think you might be able to open up to? Is there anyone in your family who is a bit of a black sheep?

You sound like such a lovely person and you deserve so much better!

What would the outcome be? If your DP genuinely felt that the time you spent with the horses was to the detriment of the family and was having a negative impact on family life, and asked you to look at changing that, surely you'd take him seriously? Yes, your horses and his own hobby work well for you both at the moment (and long may that last, I'm not ill wishing you at all), but what if that changed? You wouldn't dismiss him out of hand, would you?

I would dismiss him, yes. Done it before! My DP knew from day 1 that the only none negotiable part of my life is my 3 horses.

I feel a little late to this party, but I just wanted to say that you sound nice, he sounds like a selfish knob. I’d put good money on a lot of people asking you how you put up with him for so long if you left him.

It’s not needy or daft to want your husband to want to spend time with you. You shouldn’t have to dance a jig. Taking up macrame or F1 racing isn’t going to change his attitude to you.

Sadly, you can’t make someone want what you want them to want. If only...

You are ground down by his attitude & his behaviour. You believe yourself to be less than you are.

I would tell him on x day and x time we need to talk. Tell him you will speak, then he can if he wants to, but he is not to interrupt. Tell him you are only going to say this once (try not to sound like an ‘Allo ‘allo skit!). Tell him that when you got married you expected to grow old together, not grow apart. That you expected your family life to be important to both of you. Tell him you are sad that he sees family life as a chore and something to dip in & out of as he fancies. Tell him this is not how your life is going to continue, so he needs to have a bloody good think about his life and what he wants from it, because if nothing changes he’s going to find himself divorced. Tell him you can talk again x night when he’s had time to think about it.

Be factual, try not to be overly emotional.

If he says you’re ‘needy’ or whatever, tell him no, you’re not needy, you’re just fine with being treat like the the live in cleaner/nanny/dogsbody while he gives the best of himself to everyone outside if your family.

Did he increase his hobbies as the children got older? You seem to be more alone because the kids are older and probably doing their own thing and as much as you want to spend time with them, you need to start spending some time with yourself. Find something you enjoy but talk to him about spending more time with you or the kids etcwhen he hasn’t got a hobby on.

From what you are saying it seems that the issue with your husband is not just the sports - he seems to have detached himself from your marriage as a whole. How is he with the children? Does he attend parents evenings for example, or otherwise involve himself with their education, hobbies, problems, day to day upbringing? Does he try to involve your children in his sports?

I got as far as page 5, okyep Where you say you don’t bring much to the marriage apart from parenting and cleaning.

But parenting is everything to your children! And you said you do the ferrying, and you feed them! Please have a think about your self esteem, we here all think you are great.

And you are not unreasonable or needy for wanting to spend time with him at all. If he has ever said that and it has stuck in your head, that’s on him.