DH's schedule. Please give me your thoughts...

[Okyep]

This is DH's current schedule:

Monday: Sport 1
Tuesday: Sport 2
Thursday: Sport 3
Saturday/Sunday alternate or both according to schedule: Sport 3

Out children are teenagers but still require input/time. We both work full-time. We don't do anything together. I am fucked off as Sport 3 is a new thing. He thinks I am massively unreasonable/needy.

Who IBU?

It's only a maximum of 4 Days per week. You still have days to spend together.

You need to get hobbies/interests of your own.

Just because you're a couple, you shouldn't have to not have a life of your own!

I don’t think you sound needy OP. Or unlikeable or anything like that. If anything you just sound exhausted and like the effort of holding together the day to day non glamourous stuff has broken you a bit.

However you tackle this, it definitely needs tackling now. I’m not sure getting your own hobbies necessarily works (surely you’ll just end up like the little people in a cuckoo clock with one going in as the other goes out?) but maybe some counselling to work through your feelings safely and without someone telling you you’re needy and controlling is a good first step.

Also, for what it’s worth my mum and Dad have a relationship which is more broken than yours in lots of ways but one of the things that breaks my heart for both of them is that they’re married and living in the same house but lonely because they don’t interact or talk or share interests, worries, anything over and above the ‘who’s using the oven now’. I can’t imagine anything worse than being lonely while IN a relationship. We’re all rooting for you OP. You deserve much better than this.

It's only a maximum of 4 Days per week. You still have days to spend together Umm, if you have children, they need feeding, the house cleaning, the dishwasher stacking, taking to clubs and general support every single day! This isn't a two adult couple dividing up their leisure time, this is a family who need family time to do basic chores as well as have fun together. That is not possible if one parent is conveniently out of the house when the grunt-work, and the emotional labour of being with teenagers, is done.

Oh come on! So are you saying that a couple with children can't have hobbies or interests away from family life?

On the days 1 partner has hobbies, is it really so hard for the other parent to cook dinner away nod load away and load a dishwasher? If the children are actually teenagers then they should pitch in with chores too.

If the OP is at home on those days anyway what is the big deal?

This sounds more like the OP is being clingy and feeling jealous because her DH has a life and hobbies and she does not.

He disregards your feelings and labels you needy and clingy because you want to spend time with him. I couldn't handle that op.

There’s always one.

That was to kubex ^^

I kind of get what Kubex is saying though. If the kids are ready to leave home then they should help more as should the husband and even if the Op picked up a few hobbies through the week, they would still have time for couple stuff or family time. I’m a bit needy. But in the five years I’ve been with my partner we have barely been separated. What I wouldn’t give to have complete alone time, by myself or couple time with no kids. I think that the Op is realising how less busy she will be but hasn’t built up her own life. Talk to the husband and find something for you to do otherwise you will crack up. I’ve cracked as I have nothing to do but housework and kids, my partner does the same if not more. I really want a hobby but no idea how to go about it. How sad is that. I’m jealous of people who have hobbies lol

@Inthedeepdarkwinter has encapsulated the thread, I feel. He’s abdicated all responsibility and acts like he’s single and care free.

As ever, I would say stop doing a scrap for him. He’ll son recognise the contribution you make and how he can’t operate without you doing the enormous amount of chores in the house.

@Inthedeepdarkwinter has encapsulated the thread, I feel. He’s abdicated all responsibility and acts like he’s single and care free.

As ever, I would say stop doing a scrap for him. He’ll son recognise the contribution you make and how he can’t operate without you doing the enormous amount of chores in the house.

It wouldn't bother me at all. If the kids are teenagers, so don't need putting to bed, and looking after in the evenings then you could go out and pursue your own hobbies.
He isn't out 7 nights a week so you can see him on those nights.
My dh works 5 nights a week and if I didn't have a small child and only had my adult children, I'd be out 3 or 4 nights a week.

You sound absolutely lovely OP and it's sounds like he massively takes you for granted and has sapped your self esteem.
For those who are saying 'bit it's not 7 days a week!' are hugely missing your point. It's the fact you feel that he is prioritising his hobbies over you. I've been there and it's shit and eventually it seeped into other aspects of our lives and he showed me many times that I was waaaay down on his list of priorities. I eventually left .

Your post reminded me of something I saw on Facebook this week ....

The DH of a friend of mine organises football on a mid week night but I also happen to know he plays sport multiple nights week in addition to this. Anyway, he posted something looking for extra players to expand the league - cue comments about what a top guy he was etc then his wife commented ' I'll play...I'd love a night off from the kids to do some exercise followed by a few hours in the pub' highlighting the fact he fucks off most nights without a care .

First thing you need to do is stop being his mother. He's a grown man let him wash his own kit. Small steps but you can do it

I'm astonished to find out that my teens (12 and 14) don't need me 3 nights a week or on Sat/Sun either. Amazing! I've been listening to them talk about their days, cooking meals, asking them to unstack the dishwasher, picking them up when it rains, consoling them when they fall out with friends, and generally being by their side through the difficult teen years for nothing! I could easily have just fitted this into two nights a week! I feel quite foolish having done all this over-parenting when in fact the best thing for teens is to have a quite absent parent with their own absorbing hobbies taking up every weekend. I knew I was going wrong somewhere...

If the kids are ready to leave home then they should help more as should the husband and even if the Op picked up a few hobbies through the week, they would still have time for couple stuff or family time

So not the point. And her DH doesn’t want couple time.

If you have less friends now op it's because you've been busy with raising your kids and doing all the things your husband should've been helping with. Your dh has had loads of time, enabled by you, to go out and socialise and do other things.
At the same time he has worn down your self esteem with things like making you feel bad and guilty for having to do anything for you for your birthday etc. Your self esteem is non existent and you feel you aren't worth it.

Well you've had a man for the last however many years acting and telling you that you aren't. It's no wonder you feel like shit.
I do wonder why you want this person to love you.
Again that comes down to self esteem. In any other relationship, be it friend or family member, if someone was ignoring your feelings and at the same time asking you constantly for favours (which is what washing his kit and doing his share of housework is) you would surely remove this person from your life. Because you would see this person is not actually a nice person.

For me the telling thing is the drinks afterwards.

I have maintained some of my hobbies since having DC; DH, not so much -- although he does have interests he's found it a massive gear change to need to plan ahead in the way that you have to when there are 3 of you to consider, not just one (and he was a pretty selfish cyclist back in the day, so that's a big change for him).

Anyway, I digress. So I have continued some hobbies but (and it's a big but) I've changed from regular weekly commitments to one-off ones at the weekend or occasional intensive courses, I've cut back from the half dozen things I used to do to one or two and I don't hang around after the activity has finished. Doing activity, fine - doing activity then drinks - not fine as unnecessary. Also I ensure that if I possibly can I'm not out at the crucial 6pm-7pm stage when DD needs wrangling into bed. We also tag-team at the weekend so we both get time off. Some friends like going out drinking and dancing still, which I don't, but they do that instead of hobby stuff, not as well, and nothing like as much as pre DC.

Anyway, my suggestion to get your mojo back is that you write a whodunit. Get your characters to say the things you'd like to say. Kill off anyone who needs it. My friend did this when she had family issues - I don't think it resolved the family issues but she wrote a great book and seems to feel a lot better! Also you can write anywhere so you can find a nice coffee shop to do it. Find some other writers (maybe at an evening class) and make your own group with them. I made some terrific friends that way.

I think the posters who are suggesting finding great things to do with the DC are onto something too. Those relationships are for life too...

OP
I feel your pain...my ex took himself out of the house for 9 hours a week for 6 months of the year (3 sessions)

Our kids were babies/toddlers at the time, too. I remember begging him to take time out, that it was too much. He refused. We both worked FT too.

I'm of the opinion that had I taken nine hours for me as well, that would have wrecked family life.

His hobby isn't even a sport so....

Anyway, my ex was/is a selfish bastard who needs a serious amount of ego massaging. I can't stand how he could think so little of all of us....I've given up ever believing he could be different.

I feel for my kids. Our access arrangements work round his hobby still. I've not had a Monday or Wednesday to go to a class/hobby in years. The stuff I liked always clashed.

Pain in the backside. I'm well rid

I haven’t read the whole thread OP YADNBU your DH is being selfish, behaving like he is single and is DBU. I missed how old your teenagers OP. I have two teenagers a just turned 13 year old and a 14 year old. They are always fighting and arguing and still need parenting but in different ways to babies and toddlers. I am aware time is running out with them and want to make the most of it and be there for them if they need or want me, a safe space love or guidance.
I know what you mean you would like your DH to still do some sports as he obviously enjoys and thrives on it but you also to want him to value and want to spend time with you and your DC rather than prioritizing his needs above everyone else’s most of the time. I also dread to think how much washing he creates from all these sports/activities!!! If you played him at his own game and went out half as much as he does you would never see each other.
I think you need a chat and he needs to give something up or spend a little less time on himself and invest some time on you and his DC.
My DH is in every night he has a new stressful job with a lot of travelling time. He’s asleep on the couch next door as he had a 14 hour day today and yesterday. I want him to take a day off work as I only work pt as we need some time together as a couple but that isn’t going to happen for a couple of weeks which is hard enough.
I would have a chat if he doesn’t see off on his selfish pursuits stop doing his washing, don’t tidy up any of his mess and have at least one or two nights a wwwk doing something you enjoy where he does washing cooking and spends one time getting to know your DC. Are they boys or girls. If boys why can’t he take them or one of them along?

I think Sunday should be a family day.

This sounds more like the OP is being clingy and feeling jealous because her DH has a life and hobbies and she does not.

I disagree.
I do believe sport or hobbies 3 or 4 times a week is fine. The man has a job, he is perfectly entitled to have a life. I read threads on here where women got pissed off because their DH didn't want to watch tv with them. Seriously, watching crap on tv is not "quality couple time"

What is wrong is his attitude whilst he is at home, how he makes his wife feeling like crap, how he makes 0 effort for her birthday and so on.

OP doesn't have to try to resolve everything over a weekend. It's a good starting point to start thinking about her life.

Some people love sport , exercise is addictive so it may be his release if he has a stressful job . I'm lucky enough to be able to go to the gym while the dc are at school but if he doesn't have that option then he has to go in the evenings. Aren't the kids in bed ? If not could you suggest he goes when they are ?

sportyfool - The kids are teenagers so depending on ages whether 13 or 14 or 15 or 16 it is likely to be too late for activities when they are in bed. Doing exercise three nights a week and an early morning one day on a weekend should be more than enough.
To OP her family is the most important priority but too her DH her and her DC teenagers or not they all seem to come fairly low down on his list of priority. Did him pursuing and prioritizing his likes and wants above everyone else. Maybe his pals are single or a load of selfish so and so’s as well. But if he continues with he may be soon single too.

Here's a thought.....what about suggesting sometime, post-Hobby, you too pop along just for the drinks bit......just to say a quick 'Hi' to the gang? Say you just fancy getting out the house yourself for half an hour or so.

did everyone miss the part that sport 1 is only done coz he feel obliged to help the leader out no the weekend?

its like he'll do anything to please everyone else except his wife

He is a selfish git if he doesn’t feel you and the DC are an important enough part of his life to prioritize and make plans with kick him into touch and every other weekend he will have the DC full time.
My DH has just spent parts of this morning helping explain to our 13 and 14 year old DC with their maths and science homework. I don’t have the skills or patience for this meanwhile I have tidied up done 2.5 loads of washing had a shower and washed my hair. DS is meeting one of his friends this afternoon so we will have to be around to drop him off and pick him up. DD isn’t meeting anyone today but she will need taking to and from football tomorrow. I am off food shopping now and have left DH to ensure they don’t go on their iPads until they have both tidied their bedrooms. We will all eat together tonight and tomorrow and go for a nice walk tomorrow.