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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its rude to pop in

167 replies

Ilovemaryberry · 15/03/2018 21:47

Just found myself in a situation. Having a relaxing night to myself. I'm naked about to jump in the bath and listening to some music with my earphones in.
I take my earphones off to hear the door going like crazy. Dd is in bed asleep and I'm home alone so I start to panic it's an emergency. I can't find my fucking dressing gown and I'm looking for a towel. Then my mil just waltzes in dropping something off.
It's almost 10pm ffs and no warning at all.

I hate when anyone just pops by without any prior warning. I wouldn't do it to anyone else. I even call my own mother and ask if she's busy even though she wouldn't bother if I did pop round. I just find it totally intrusive.
I am now on edge. Ffs.

I had door unlocked for dh as he's due home soon. But I will be locking it from now on. Although that doesn't make a difference because the lights are on and she knows I'm home.

OP posts:
paxillin · 15/03/2018 23:56

Popping in to drop something off wouldn't bother me. Wishing to be entertained is different. And baby-waker, baby-sitter is the rule for door bangers.

HuskyMcClusky · 15/03/2018 23:58

Even for people who are cool with popper-inners, 9:45 pm on a weeknight is way pushing it.

paxillin · 16/03/2018 00:00

Depends on your bedtime. I don't find 10pm late, I'll be up for another 3-4 hours after.

HuskyMcClusky · 16/03/2018 00:02

Yeah, true. So would I, tbh - I guess it’s a know-your-audience thing! (Was thinking of most of my mates who all seem to go to bed at 9...)

paxillin · 16/03/2018 00:03

An 8am popper-inner will have their head bitten off unless they manage to be swift and quiet and want no talking whatsoever.

Gottokondo · 16/03/2018 00:13

So what happened when you told her not to do that anymore?

LinoleumBlownapart · 16/03/2018 00:38

My mother in law does this, all DH's family do too, it's cultural and not odd to them. I hate it. We moved to a house that's surrounded by a 7ft high wall and a garage to hide the car. Then people don't know if we're in or not. Extreme measures, but it worked.

windchimesabotage · 16/03/2018 01:02

This is my absolute worst nightmare.
I need at least 3 days notice of any visitors. Its hit and miss whether I will even open the door to the postman....

Where I used to live I was friends with a close neighbour who had a child the same age as my son and we did used to 'drop' by each others houses for our children to play together. But only if we actually saw each other on the street that day and had said we were going to! We both had benches outside our house so would sometimes be sat out there which was a code for 'visitors are fine today!'

No way would I ever actually knock on someones door unsolicited.
Even if I was dropping something round id text first.

PasstheStarmix · 16/03/2018 06:17

I used to go to bed late until I had ds, now I’ll grab sleep where i can get it as never get any lie ins and usually up in the night. A visitor at that hour and for me would be too late.

PasstheStarmix · 16/03/2018 06:21

Wow LinoleumBlownapart you must live in a very large home/mansion.

BertrandRussell · 16/03/2018 07:27

"My mother in law does this, all DH's family do too, it's cultural and not odd to them. I hate it. We moved to a house that's surrounded by a 7ft high wall and a garage to hide the car. Then people don't know if we're in or not. Extreme measures, but it worked"

Gosh. Well done with detaching your she from his family "culture"......

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/03/2018 07:36

Someone popping by as a one off to drop something off is very different to someone popping by unannounced every single night or even twice a week.

What was she bringing round OP?

Lethaldrizzle · 16/03/2018 07:39

You can't get in our house without a key

PasstheStarmix · 16/03/2018 07:50

Come to think of it one day I went out and returned to what I thought was an empty house and there was my Dad sitting in ‘his’ armchair in the living room: ‘Just throught i’d pop in to see you.’ This key was given for emergencies not to let himself in on a whim. Got shock of my life but and as just pleased it wasn’t a burglar!

PasstheStarmix · 16/03/2018 07:50

was*

thecatsthecats · 16/03/2018 07:51

We have a neighbour with a very sweet and polite kid. For the most part, he's got better manners than most adults. He comes to get his ball back quite often from.our garden.

Thing is, I am often naked in the house. Or at least sparsely enough dressed that I'd need to runaround gathering bits to cover myself.

When I don't answer the doorbell, the kid will ring repeatedly, knock, and start calling out to us through the door. He goes from polite to little heligan in a minute. I need to have a word with his mum really (who is brilliant), to ask her to tell him that one knock is enough. If we don't answer, tough!

londonrach · 16/03/2018 07:52

Yes up to 9pm or until dc bedtime. No way at 10pm. Yanbu.

TheFlame · 16/03/2018 07:59

don't think there is a single member of my family who would think it ok to walk into someone elses house at that sort of time, thinking the person is home.

And we are 'semi-poppers': husband and family work together so they are often here for work and have a key. During the day I wouldn't be surprised if they let themselves in, though they usually knock as well first. Becuase they realise this is someones home and respect it accordingly.

Emaline · 16/03/2018 08:02

YANBU to think it's rude. Anyone letting themself in at any hour is U to me, but at 10pm, after making noise that might have woken DC totally unacceptable. Someone needs to have a word with her.

However YABVU to leave your door unlocked. At night. With DC in the house. When you are naked in the bath! Truly mad. If DH can't remember to take his keys (never understand grown adults who cant do the "phone, wallet, keys" 2 second check as they leave home) then he's more likely to have the incentive to remember next time if he comes home to a locked door.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/03/2018 08:04

TheFlame the mil didn't just barge in though, she knocked for ages apparently but knew someone was home because the lights were on. It's family bringing something round, possibly something that the OP, her H or her dc needed? Maybe it was something that was important enough for the woman to be out at 10pm at night bringing something round to her family.

As a one off as long as I wasn't in bed I wouldn't have minded as long as the person didn't want to start drinking cups of tea and chatting for hours!

MereDintofPandiculation · 16/03/2018 08:16

Within my lifetime we've gone from being annoyed if a family member or good friend was in the area and didn't knock on our door to see if we were in, to even family members have to make an appointment. OK I may not like it, but I accept that the world changes.

But she wasn't inviting herself for a visit, she was dropping something off for you. That's not being a "popper-inner".

And she couldn't get an answer, so instead of leaving it on the doorstep she pops it inside the house for safety.

OK, she shouldn't have rung the doorbell "like crazy". But she didn't just waltz in like she owned the place, she did what she could to attract your attention.

And 9.45 is a bit late, a lot of people are winding down for bed by that time.

But she certainly wasn't behaving "outrageously".

frasier · 16/03/2018 08:18

Who "knocks for ages" because they "knew someone was in" because "lights were on" though?! If people don't want to answer their door, it is their right. After a certain amount of knocks it is rude!

It's like my MIL who, when people don't answer the phone to her (she seems to have a lot of people who have her on 'ignore') or return her calls, she turns up on their doorstep under the pretence of being worried about them.

FIL once left threatening messages on our answerphone ("We know you're in, answer the door NOW!") because he had arrived uninvited and wanted in.

Normal people knock, maybe a couple of times, and unless there is cause to think there is something wrong (baby crying, elderly relative who may have fallen) they go away again because people want their privacy.

Gwenhwyfar · 16/03/2018 08:19

"Of course it's rude, it means that people believe their time is more valuable than yours: you have to change your schedule to accommodate them without warning, how could that not be rude?"

Why would you have to change your schedule? If someone dropped in on me and I was watching TV in my PJs I would continue to do that. If I didn't want to be disturbed, I wouldn't answer the door.

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 16/03/2018 08:28

Gwenhwyfar that might work for you.

Unfortunately, there are some people I know who pop in with the expectation that you will immediately drop what you're doing to entertain them. Exactly as if your time is less valuable than theirs, as pp said.

I've managed to train certain family into letting go of this expectation now, but in some families that's not always easy.

nannybeach · 16/03/2018 08:30

That is late to come round I would also have the door locked if DH is in bed and I am getting in the bath, you didnt hear her in the beginning, you wouldnt have heard the burgular either, most thefts occur with people in the property. Otherwise, no, I wouldnt mind at all, but my friends live an average of 50 miles away, so wouldnt just pop in, people who do in passing am happy to see.