To be upset about parent's evening

[Witchesandwizards]

DS is 5 and in reception.
Last night we had parent's evening and I came away feeling very deflated as nothing positive was said about him. He's a lovely little boy - boisterous at home but caring and kind, and quiet at school but also kind and considerate (we have been told by school staff outside this parent's evening). He's also bloody funny and loves to put on an accent to entertain or during role play etc.

Learning - he is behind in writing and fine motor skills. We know this - we have only just been able to pursuade him to pick up a pencil (he would rather play), but he has recently started to and we are encouraging him. He often refuses to do homework and we can't force him, although we are quite forceful. I know that teachers have enormous pressure, and I can't see how he is going to meet 'target' and be able to write a sentence by July, but he is still a baby and I feel guilty about the pressure we have to put on our kids at such a young age - "sorry DS, we can't go to the park, we need to do your homework". I know for a fact from DD's class (now yr 4) that he is pretty normal for a boy of this age and that they are all reading and writing by yr 4.

Socially - he apparently needs to have more friends. He is very close to a girl who is the DD of a family friend and they went to nursery together. The teacher is trying to separate them and encourage them to play with other people. I don't mind being told this but not as a critisism. He is slightly less social than DD 8 (the second child thing where you just don't hang out with as may of his peer's families etc) but he goes to breakfast club and after school club where he has friends in different years and tennis/dance and swimming lessons where he has friends.

Personal care - he is messy - flings his stuff around when he gets changed for PE and is always the last to get ready. Probably our fault - his think is to do a 'striptease' and kick his pjs into far flung corners of the room. We can address this. But he can dress without help and is verging on obsessive cleanliness - never makes a mess in the toilet, always wases his hands and cleans his teeth without being told.

We were told at DDs meeting that she was a pleasure to have in the classroom. As a person. And I'm sure the same can be said for DS as he is very well behaved - his TA also does holiday and afterschool club and can't believe how quiet and good he is in class in comparison - but nothing like this was mentioned.

Anyway, we are going to action what we can, but it would have been good to come away feeling that his teacher actually likes him.

Had exactly same with DS1. He now has a good degree and îs achieving in his job with civil service. Was told he had significant problems in reception and all through primary school....in fact he was just a boy!

I have 2 DS who are 14 and 11. Neither has mastered the art of not CONSTANTLY losing PE kit /uniform as it is strewn across all four corners of the changing room. If your DS teacher expects them to have this down to a fine art in reception she has super high expectations. I’ve visited the boys changing room and lost property at our school many many times on the hunt for missing items

I'd say that it's about time the fourteen year old learned to keep track of his possessions. If not now, when? Who's going to run round after him looking for his stuff when he's at university or work? Will his girlfriend or wife be doing it in ten years time?

DrEustaciaBenson

I would have to agree. I even think 11 is too young to have to constantly go in the school to find PE kit/uniform strewn all over the changing room. On the odd occassion, yes. More than 4/5 times in a year at that age? No way! It would get left behind and they'd be replacing whatever they'd 'lost' with their pocket money if they couldn't find it themselves. My DS is in Junior school now & he needs to learn to look after his belongings. So far, we've lost a jumper & he soon found it when I sent him in without one.

echt - are you the teacher in the OPs post? Or maybe you are the teacher my son had last year?

Witchesandwizards He sounds like a lovely boy and the boisterous bit does sound what, in days before we had to stop labelling behaviour as male or female, would have been called a "typical boy" in a very favourable way. Before changing career tack to psychologist, I taught for many years and my favourite age range was infants and teaching reading and writing.
I did research for the National Curriculum and am against forcing targets on children under 7. The teacher sounds like most these days, more concerned about reaching targets than about the children. That's why I hate the system.
Please do not despair or feel upset. Explain to him that you think it's fun to fling pjs into the corner, however at school there are too many children so have a competition for getting clothes neatly placed. Have a rewards jar or similar in which you put ping pong balls every time he does it well. When the balls get to a certain height he can have a reward from the rewards bag which has colourful pens, balls, all the little things children like.
Helping with writing - choose something he loves doing and say he is such an expert he should write the Manual or Rule Book on it. Or let him make a "space age" incredible machine from junk then get him to write the Instruction Book, which probably starts with "Dangerous Machine! Only .. his name.. must touch it! etc.
If he uses extraordinarily long words write them! If he makes the noises for it e.g. brrrrrrrrshhooooooosh! write them! (It's learning phonics, I learned mine from the Beano).
Join in with his world and let him see it is so important to you that you want him to explain his ideas in writing.
As for the stuff about mixing with others, the teacher sounds off kilter to me. He is 5 for Heaven's Sake! Can't she arrange gently for him to be in a group doing things together sometimes? I'm wondering what kind of teacher she is. There are so many opportunities to integrate little ones into class activities and make them feel secure.
Please do not worry too much. You sound like a great mum! You give him activities and he's fine with those. Try quiet time just the two of you regularly, a special time for him. Probably you reading to him but not asking him to read - no testing him or putting pressure on him, just secure and loving and having mum to himself. Good luck! Wish I lived near and could help!!

echt I'm 68, retired psychologist, was a teacher before I did psych degree and did research for National Curriculum. (see my previous post to OP) . You are so right. This change in the type of teacher we get now is because of the targets and school comparisons. Not that standards are bad. However, teachers don't teach children now, they teach to a rule book and aim for targets and the child who is in the way of that becomes a problem to them. Then what to they do? Most teachers, instead of looking at the child and rejoicing that everybody is different and you cannot have a "one size fits all" education, decides the child is a nuisance and blames the parents.
Sorry but I saw it happen.
There are still some outstandingly good teachers who are working so hard it is damaging their health. My heart goes out to them.

I agree with Ellyess. Unfortunately it's just easier to blame the parents and it sounds as if he is just a typical lad. Would you want him any other way?

All the boys in ds's class flung their clothes around at PE. They would regularly come home in someone else's trousers.

kentparent, that's what they saying about ds 6, in fact he is still only little and developing his core skills, I don't think schools or government account for that. They expect young chikdren to be able to assimilate and absorb information at a fast pace, at the same pace, they have significant needs if they cannot do that, forgetting the fact they are only 4,5,6 and are still developing their cognitive skills.

Ellyess, YYY you speak such sense, my degrees are in psychology, I hope to continue training once kids are older. I agree, it's not the child that is wrong or broken, but the system, government has got it so wrong.

When I look at ds 6, I don't see significant needs, I see a happy and cheerful little boy, who is inqisatative about the world, loves riding his bike, and playing with his friends and is on the go all the time. It is a one size fits all education, one size does not fit all, all children are unique, and develop at different rates. Don't blame the child or the parents, blame the system.

He sounds like a delightful child. It's ridiculous to put so much pressure on young children. In Finland, which has the best school system in the world according to experts, formal schooling doesn't start until the age of 7!
Personally, I find the approach of some primary school teachers to be pernickety in the extreme. (I speak as a teacher myself). I would just ignore it and concentrate on teaching him to enjoy life and building up his confidence. These are the factors which will really help him in the end.

If there does seem to be a real problem with motor skills it might be worth insisting that the SENCO puts some assessments in place for this and arranges support.

He sounds so lovely and funny. Character over grades any day x

Why on earth are 5 year olds being given homework - a spelling test occasionally maybe, but homework??

Whenever I read threads like this, I'm always so thankful that I home educate (although my dc are older now). The 5 year olds that I know are happy, well behaved, inquisitive, and mostly still learning through play. Homework and tests? Yuck!
And fwiw, ds1 (who was in school at that stage) couldn't even write his name until past 5, and is now aiming for top grades at GCSE, and more importantly is a lovely young man.

My son's reports in reception and Y1 were awful. He's a summer child and so one of youngest in the class, even now in Y2 the parents evening was all about his lack of concentration, way behind in reading etc. He can actually read really rather well - as evidenced by listening to him reading to his older sister, one of her books after he asked her a question about the story. He's just not a fan of "performing" and won't participate in the testing mechanisms used in class. He often leans over my shoulder and comments on part of the book/article I'm reading. There just isnt enough funding or enough resource for my child to be given the learning opportunities that work the best for him. One teacher/22 children... its not their fault. I largely take what's said with a pinch of salt and incorporate learning into our day to day activities "can you work out how much change the lady is going to give me?" Etc.

OP I felt the same at my DS 6 first parents evening this year. All negatives and nothing positive, very quick and like she didn't like him at all. I nearly cried. I know he can be hard work he is very outspoken and can be full on (Not in a horrible way just he doesn't think before he speaks sometime!) and has found the transition from reception where it was free play to more settled year one hard. He also has trouble with his fine motor and so writing is hard for him (he has great ideas and is super clever but just struggles to communicate it sometimes) , luckily the teaching assistant is fab, she does some one on one with him with his writing and also got him some putty to play with to increase his hand muscles. Have the school told you how they will help him? What you can help him with at home? If he is reluctant to do homework could you kind of incorporate it in a different more fun way? (If you give some examples I am sure I could think of something creative) The next parents evening went a bit better but I am still not 💯 on the teacher which is really sad. I work in a nursery and I adore all the children, they all have their strengths and weaknesses and as their teacher it's upto me to help them and allow them to grown and develop and bring out the best from them!

When my son was in nursery, he was behind in almost every area. It took him a LONG time to toilet train, I was told he was socially withdrawn and would play alongside rather than with children, it took him almost the whole year to learn his numbers, and in Reception it took quite a while to get started with his reading too. In nursery he didn't meet any of his targets. Reception year we took him on holiday during term time. The teacher gave him a work book to write a few lines and draw pictures of what we'd been up to, plus a couple of early Biff and Chip books. He learnt to read on that holiday.

He's now in year 2 and socially still very choosey about who he plays with, but has repeatedly made friendships with girls rather than boys. My Mum friends laugh he is no sheep, he will never be that child who follows the crowd. He knows his mind and is happy with who he is - even if that mean playing alone sometimes. Academically he is flying, his reading ability is several years ahead of average.

You know your child. Teachers don't always get it right. I was so worried in Nursery/Reception that he was being written off as academically behind and that was that. Socially, I think you should stand up for your child and defend his right to choose his friends. I always think as long as he's not unkind, nothing else matters so much.

I do believe that you are the parent though, and although you cant FORCE him to hold the pencil in his hand and practice writing, it is absolutely in your power to implement consequences if he refuses. He's not so much a baby anymore that you or his teacher shouldn't expect he to be at least trying with his work.

"But he can dress without help and is verging on obsessive cleanliness - never makes a mess in the toilet, always wases his hands... "

I can tell you, OP, that my daughter (a Reception teacher) would be only too delighted to have him join her class.
Dealing with children who still try to bite others, hit others and poo themselves on a daily basis is par for the course for her. Your little boy sounds wonderful!

He sounds like a lovely, normal boy on all counts.

My ds first teacher and also a dear friend who is a teacher both told me that they try to say 2 or 3 positive things first and then the critical points.

It helps parents listen and feel less like how we usually feel when we are told things negative.

Your teacher had no real awareness or care it seems.

Fine motor skills can be learned with playdoh, Thomas trains, puzzles, lots of toys, not just pencils. Although there are pretty fun pencils and markers too.
Maybe don't encourage boisterous attention getting behaviour if the teacher complained about that (say it's for home, not school), I am sorry, I didn't quite get that part.
We have all been there, don't take it to heart, that new can't have a bf is crackers to me, take care and enjoy him with some clay and make bunnies and Easter eggs; maybe a long clay snake who is very hungry for eggs!.

I understand it's hard to get a report like this but I would try hard not to worry. See if you can support at home with some of the areas pointed out to you (without putting your ds under pressure) and apart from that just trust he will develop in his own time.

My dd got a very negative report last week. She is in year 1. The teacher listed all the areas she was behind in with not much positive things to say at all. I said we would do our best to support at home but there would be of course limits to how much we could do without piling on the pressure. I asked if there was anything the school could do to support to avoid her falling behind any further and was told one word: "no". That told me all I needed to know: it's the teacher, not my dd. My dd is well behaved, follows rules and instructions well and is at least of average intelligence. So if she is so dramatically falling behind and the school can't support her and it's all on the parents to help her catch up that's simply not very supportive, child-centred teaching. And I understand that the system makes it's hard for the teachers etc but I will simply take all this criticism with a pinch of salt and don't give my daughter a hard time.

Last year, the first thing my new ds teacher said to me was: "Well he is not a natural mathematician, is he?" And that I chose to challenge in a good natured way and said: "That is such a pity. Maths is his favourite subject." And when leaving I hit the message home one final time and said: "Don't worry, Mr X. I won't tell him you said he wasn't a natural mathematician." When the next parent evening came round the first thing that teacher said to me was: " Your son has really shown me how you should never pigeon hole a child. He is so good at maths."

Basically, teachers get it wrong sometimes, can't always escape their own bias and can only reflect on this snapshot in time of a child's development. They are also only human.

Don't worry too much, support your ds and trust in his ability to develop in the way which is right for them and hope for a more sympathetic teacher next year.

Please don’t think I am being over dramatic when I say you are describing my ds1 to a tee. It wasn’t until he was nearly 6 that he was diagnosed with ASD. He is a beautiful gentle boy who now at age 7 is a beautiful hand writer, has many friends as he is in a very small school and progressing fabtastically day by day. I hope this is not the case with your son but my sons school highlighted issues that I already was slightly worried about NS once I contacted my public health nurse(I think in uk it’s district nurse), she got the ball rolling and we now have amazing support to bring our darling boy along.

As a former teacher (back in the classroom for a few weeks at the moment as a favour actually) I think that’s disgusting. Yes, you need to be aware of what he needs to improve on so you can support this but my goodness, nothing positive to say about a lovely little 5 year old? No wonder you feel deflated. I have 5 DDs and hope I never have to go through that. I think he sounds wonderful, OP.