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Original poster

To be upset about parent's evening

173 replies

Witchesandwizards · 15/03/2018 14:36

DS is 5 and in reception.
Last night we had parent's evening and I came away feeling very deflated as nothing positive was said about him. He's a lovely little boy - boisterous at home but caring and kind, and quiet at school but also kind and considerate (we have been told by school staff outside this parent's evening). He's also bloody funny and loves to put on an accent to entertain or during role play etc.

Learning - he is behind in writing and fine motor skills. We know this - we have only just been able to pursuade him to pick up a pencil (he would rather play), but he has recently started to and we are encouraging him. He often refuses to do homework and we can't force him, although we are quite forceful. I know that teachers have enormous pressure, and I can't see how he is going to meet 'target' and be able to write a sentence by July, but he is still a baby and I feel guilty about the pressure we have to put on our kids at such a young age - "sorry DS, we can't go to the park, we need to do your homework". I know for a fact from DD's class (now yr 4) that he is pretty normal for a boy of this age and that they are all reading and writing by yr 4.

Socially - he apparently needs to have more friends. He is very close to a girl who is the DD of a family friend and they went to nursery together. The teacher is trying to separate them and encourage them to play with other people. I don't mind being told this but not as a critisism. He is slightly less social than DD 8 (the second child thing where you just don't hang out with as may of his peer's families etc) but he goes to breakfast club and after school club where he has friends in different years and tennis/dance and swimming lessons where he has friends.

Personal care - he is messy - flings his stuff around when he gets changed for PE and is always the last to get ready. Probably our fault - his think is to do a 'striptease' and kick his pjs into far flung corners of the room. We can address this. But he can dress without help and is verging on obsessive cleanliness - never makes a mess in the toilet, always wases his hands and cleans his teeth without being told.

We were told at DDs meeting that she was a pleasure to have in the classroom. As a person. And I'm sure the same can be said for DS as he is very well behaved - his TA also does holiday and afterschool club and can't believe how quiet and good he is in class in comparison - but nothing like this was mentioned.

Anyway, we are going to action what we can, but it would have been good to come away feeling that his teacher actually likes him.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 15/03/2018 17:29

lljkk, she has given information in her op about his difficulties.

Loobyh · 15/03/2018 17:36

We have had this sort of attitude about our year 2 daughter for the last two years and even when I have tried to say something nice about her loving art ( and being reasonably good for her age) it was just twisted round to her spending too much time drawing! It did upset me as all reception children are adorable in my opinion! It has got better this year and I have just learnt to trust my own judgement on whether the things they are saying are an issue. Remember, it is a marathon and not a sprint- I very much doubt any of these issues will continue to be issues much beyond KS1 anyway....

chocolateiamydrug · 15/03/2018 17:37

On the there hand, if he is behind and struggling, was the teacher not supposed to bring it up? If he would still be behind at the end of the school year with a report reflecting this, you would surely be upset if it wouldn't have been brought up before.

One of my DC had SN and learning difficulties and meetings with school are always tough. But I learned to take it not personal but I see it as a way of the teacher informing me where DD stands. Imo, parents evenings are there to convey facts, not to exchange pleasantries.

cucaracha · 15/03/2018 17:39

I do believe that our kids start school way too young, and I wished I could have put mine in a forest type school until they were 7 or 8. They do enjoy reading, but I think a lot of the curriculum is too much too early, and they would be better off running around.

That said, I can't blame a teacher for not wanting a child to fall too far behind, it's not that easy to catch up.

The personal care issue, throwing all his clothes around and being last, that is a bit of an issue. Can you imagine 30 kids all doing that? They'll never go anywhere! again, 30 kids per class is too much but not much we can do
The teacher was right to point it out, we are half way through the year.

Don't take it too personally, teachers really can't win. Parents complain if they haven't been told the child was behind and they were blissfully unaware until much later.

Minestheoneinthegreen · 15/03/2018 17:41

It is not very nice that she did not come out with any positives. Tis the first rule of parents evening after all. But she is telling you he is finding learning, social and motor skills a bit tricky. Unless she is a nasty person, she is probably telling you the truth and, if anything, not the whole truth. Chances are he will catch up and be absolutely fine. But think how furious you'd be in 3 years time if you suddenly find out he has struggled for years and no-one told you.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 15/03/2018 17:42

He’s 5. Nothing that happens in his reception year is going to have any impact on his life chances. The little boy who was a clown in my reception class ended up at Oxford.

youarenotkiddingme · 15/03/2018 17:52

I had that for my ds first parents evening.
Everything was "he did this and I didn't like it."
The same with trying to separate him from his only friend from nursery.

I was willing to action things they thought he should improve on - but interestingly the school weren't willing to do it. They just rang me constantly to complain about him.

My ds has asd and they expected him to act like all the other year R children "because we have those expectations" despite being a late August birthday and just turned 4 when he started as well as having delayed development.

It was amazing how much he actually managed to achieve when he got to year 2 and has a teacher who outwardly liked him rather than 1 he could do no right for Sad

I'd ask the teacher if she can give you 3 positives about your ds so when your helping him improve his behaviour you can use these as positive reinforcement.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/03/2018 17:56

Every child has strengths, they shoukd be focusing on those as well as highlighting areas of need. There's a way of doing that without putting the child down.

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 15/03/2018 17:57

I think it is a shame this teacher had nothing good to say. I give feedback to students, and always find something they have done right before telling them all the things they can improve on.

That said, you know he's lovely and she just sounds a bit negative/factual. She didn't say anything too terrible. It is hard to hear stuff especially when you know what a little sweetheart they are- I also agree with everyone, why separate him from this one girl?

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 15/03/2018 18:02

Perhaps you could introduce the teacher to the art of making a praise sandwich?

To be upset about parent's evening
Aeroflotgirl · 15/03/2018 18:03

Afterwards, ds6 asked me, I did I do well, dident I, I told him yes, you did well, yiu are a very clever little boy, but we need to improve your reading, writing and maths, even though tge teacher was very negative. It's a self fulfilling prophecy, if enough people tell a child are not good at this, that, than they will believe it and internalise it. At school, I was called dopey, thick by teachers. At 16 I was sat down by the deputy head and told that I was not academic, so had to consider menial jobs. I left for college, to do a GNVQ Advanced, the tutor there encouraged me to apply for Uni, I did, I now have a BA(hons), Psychology, and an Msc. So there you go. Somebody believed in me, and gave me the push I needed.

missadasmith · 15/03/2018 18:05

I have a child with SN and in my experience, schools tend to play down s child's difficulties (if not much is wrong, they don't need to put in extra help, i.e. no extra money spend).

Maybe he is much further behind than you assumed, OP?

Question is - school has highlighted areas of need. What will they do about it?

Aeroflotgirl · 15/03/2018 18:06

I did not tell him the teacher was negative, my error, I meant to say despite the teachers negativity, I tried to big him up and make ds proud of himself, despite his needs and many weaknesses. Great diagram outwith.

DrEustaciaBenson · 15/03/2018 18:08

I also agree with everyone

Not everyone.

why separate him from this one girl?

I suggested above that this little girl might want to play with other people and make other friends.

TonTonMacoute · 15/03/2018 18:11

From what you say it really doesn’t sound ans if you have much to worry about, as faras your DS is concerned. They are all at different levels at this age and it all evens out in time.

It sounds as if the teacher just hasn’t really clicked with your DS, it doesn’t happen from time to time unfortunately. Some teachers just seem to enjoy and be better at handling the more lively ones, and when he gets one who understands him a bit better, he will fly.

I did chuckle at the ‘striptease’, DS used to do that too. He is 19 now and doesn’t do it any more Sad - so far as I know!

stayathomer · 15/03/2018 18:13

Haven't had a chance to read through the responses but to say a 5 year old needs more friends, that teacher obviously has no tact or diplomacy. In general they'll say ' he's not mixing the best but he's only 5 and some people take time but we're trying to get some of them to mix' or something like that. And on everything else-he's FIVE!!!!! Don't despair, he sounds lovely, and hopefully either his teacher was misspeaking and is better with the kids or he'll have a better teacher next year (and hugs to you!)

Barbie222 · 15/03/2018 18:13

Sad though it is those are the end of year expectations for YR and the majority of children in nearly all schools do go on to achieve them. It's her job to say if she thinks he won't.

I appreciate it may have come across as negative, but you are better off hearing about delays and problems earlier rather than brushing them under the carpet. Save some of your ire for the people who prescribed such a restrictive early years curriculum.

lookingforaline18 · 15/03/2018 18:14

This sounds like my DS when he was in year 1 last year. His teacher was always so negative about him. "He can't do this" "He's can't do that" "He's struggling" etc... with no mention of how she was actually helping him at school, what his targets were or what I could focus on at home. I had to ask! He lacked confidence so much. Fast forward to year 2 and DS is thriving and it's because he has an amazing teacher who is so enthusiastic and positive.

stayathomer · 15/03/2018 18:14

Outwiththeoutcrowd love that!!!

TheTab · 15/03/2018 18:15

Seriously, I wouldn't give it a second thought if I had my time again.

I can still remember my first parents evening when DS was in reception. She said he was below average in everything, would never go to university, didn't listen, got distracted easily but had a good sense of humour.

Great, written off at 4!

BTW, he is now 23mearns 30k a year, has a company car and got a First at uni. Sorry Mrs Lord you were wrong, he doe still have a good sense of humour I guess.

cansu · 15/03/2018 18:15

I am guessing they have tried to give you factual information about what he can and can't do. From what you have said their description is accurate - he is weak in these areas. What they haven't told you is that he is a lovely entertaining mimic. You don't need them to tell you this, you know he is lovely. I find this a bit strange tbh. You only have five mins. Most people want to know the facts. If she had spent five mins talking about how lovely he is and had played down what he couldn't do, you would have been pissed off when his end of year report came out and probably would have been complaining they should have told you at parents evening!

orangesticker · 15/03/2018 18:17

We had a similar Parent teacher meeting in Reception, it was so horribly negative - the only reassuring thing was that all my friend's experienced a similarly negative meeting. It was presented in such a horrible way, basically we were told that our kids were crap at everything, they only upside was that they were well behaved. After that experience I used to insist that dh came with me just in case I got ambushed again - I needed moral support!
It's hard to put it into perspective but 5 year olds are so young and often are not ready to sit down and read or write, it doesn't mean they won't in future.

lookingforaline18 · 15/03/2018 18:19

Also, it's nice to hear what positives there are amongst the negatives. Eg a child might be struggling with their work but is very well behaved. They did a great piece of work on such a day etc...

orangesticker · 15/03/2018 18:19

Seriously, I wouldn't give it a second thought if I had my time again.

I can still remember my first parents evening when DS was in reception. She said he was below average in everything, would never go to university, didn't listen, got distracted easily but had a good sense of humour.

Great, written off at 4!

BTW, he is now 23mearns 30k a year, has a company car and got a First at uni. Sorry Mrs Lord you were wrong, he doe still have a good sense of humour I guess. I agree!

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/03/2018 18:20

Your experience doesn't paint the teacher in a great light. Try not to be upset by this. Keep it in mind if you are asked for feedback at some point. But it says more about the teachers' deficiencies than your son's.

You have 13 years of this and there will be many more teachers. Some aren't going to be absolutely stellar for every child in their class. Some are going to have a harder time than others buffering children and parents from the mad pressure to achieve standardized goals. The year is halfway over. He'll have another teacher next year. Even now he has a TA who seems to appreciate him.