To be upset about parent's evening

[Witchesandwizards]

DS is 5 and in reception.
Last night we had parent's evening and I came away feeling very deflated as nothing positive was said about him. He's a lovely little boy - boisterous at home but caring and kind, and quiet at school but also kind and considerate (we have been told by school staff outside this parent's evening). He's also bloody funny and loves to put on an accent to entertain or during role play etc.

Learning - he is behind in writing and fine motor skills. We know this - we have only just been able to pursuade him to pick up a pencil (he would rather play), but he has recently started to and we are encouraging him. He often refuses to do homework and we can't force him, although we are quite forceful. I know that teachers have enormous pressure, and I can't see how he is going to meet 'target' and be able to write a sentence by July, but he is still a baby and I feel guilty about the pressure we have to put on our kids at such a young age - "sorry DS, we can't go to the park, we need to do your homework". I know for a fact from DD's class (now yr 4) that he is pretty normal for a boy of this age and that they are all reading and writing by yr 4.

Socially - he apparently needs to have more friends. He is very close to a girl who is the DD of a family friend and they went to nursery together. The teacher is trying to separate them and encourage them to play with other people. I don't mind being told this but not as a critisism. He is slightly less social than DD 8 (the second child thing where you just don't hang out with as may of his peer's families etc) but he goes to breakfast club and after school club where he has friends in different years and tennis/dance and swimming lessons where he has friends.

Personal care - he is messy - flings his stuff around when he gets changed for PE and is always the last to get ready. Probably our fault - his think is to do a 'striptease' and kick his pjs into far flung corners of the room. We can address this. But he can dress without help and is verging on obsessive cleanliness - never makes a mess in the toilet, always wases his hands and cleans his teeth without being told.

We were told at DDs meeting that she was a pleasure to have in the classroom. As a person. And I'm sure the same can be said for DS as he is very well behaved - his TA also does holiday and afterschool club and can't believe how quiet and good he is in class in comparison - but nothing like this was mentioned.

Anyway, we are going to action what we can, but it would have been good to come away feeling that his teacher actually likes him.

OutwiththeOutCrowd

Ah yes, what is known as the shit sandwich.

Witchesandwizards

She could have prettied up the details but so many teachers at the end of the year would get complaints if they didn't convey that the child was behind.

I had a parent's evening like this, but next one was lovely. I think it depends a bit on the day

Orange sticker that's how I feel. I was made to feel he was crap at everything, but his behaviour is good, which is a saving grace. Actually in reception, DS had an amazing teacher who really got him, bit not in Yr1.

Aeroflotgirl: Snap, my ds is in YR1 and has developmental delay, social and interaction difficulties and speech and language delay. School have top up funding fir him and are applying for an EHCP. Thus parents evening was awful, nothing positive about him, everything negative, all said in front of him, as i had nobody to look after my kids.

That is completely unacceptable, shockingly bad, especially if they're applying for an EHCP they're acknowledging his difficulties but then blaming him for having them! I thought most primary schools give mainly positive feedback at parents evenings, even if there are issues that need addressing too.

There's no point in overloading a parent with loads of negatives - better to mention a couple of the important things to work on - better chance of achieving that without stressing everyone out.
One Mum was so overwhelmed by the negativity that she asked at the end of the meeting if the teacher was suggesting her child was intellectually challenged, she'd taken that much of a battering - said child got a first from Oxford.

It was biscuit, yes I am aware of his needs, I know he is behind academically, I can see him struggling to read pink colour books, whilst the rest in his year are free readers, same with writing. I just came out of there wanting to down abottle of Prosecco.

Loads of kids DO have a crappy start and go on to be Einstein. The point is that the child is struggling NOW so the parent is told NOW. It's her child, she has the right to know, even if she feels it is untrue or unfair. It is wrong of a teacher not to tell a parent.

Oh wow orange, I can see the potential in my DS, I know he's intelligent boy, who loves learning and has an inquiring mind, instead of a list of things won't with him and what he can't do.

I am pleased they are recognising his needs and trying to help him, but some positives in there would have been nice,and good for him to hear. He is not silly, DS understands everything.

My DS's first school parents evening went like that. He's a quiet, shy, dreamy, good natured boy who is not the last in the class but is a summer baby, struggles a bit and was probably in the bottom 25%, let's say. He's no trouble though and is very well behaved.

Teacher: Negative negative negative blah blah. Can't do this, can't do that. Need to do this, need to that...doom and gloom. Negative.

Me: Ok/ok/yes/definitely/will work on that/good to know.

Teacher: Thanks for coming.

Me: Thanks for the feedback.
But, um, is there anything positive about DS?

Teacher: (looked surprise) Why yes... he's absolutely lovely. A pleasure to have in class. Very helpful. Tries hard.

I wish teachers would remember to take the 2 seconds to say something positive about a child too. I know time is pressing but it's good to know what your child does right too.

And tries hard is a very underrated skill for success in life.

Homework at that age is just ridiculous, there is absolutely no need for it. That said, class teachers are under enormous pressure to meet targets, if they do not, they may not 'progress' at the end of the year, which means no pay rise. Kids develop at different paces, my dd was a phenomenally fast speaker, we were positive we had a mini Einstein on our hands. Everybody caught up after a couple of years more or less, she is still a good speaker, but not genius level.

I must be horrible then because a few things jumped out at me.

He is described as boisterous, loves to put on voices and entertain, fling his clothes around and mess about instead of getting changed, refuses to do homework and you excuse him as being "still a baby" and "funny".

He really isnt a baby. The other kids can manage it so why cant he? Either he has a genuine behavioural or developmental issue or he simply ignores the rules in favour of mucking about. Either way it needs dealing with.

Keeping control of a class of 30 is hard enough without the class clown distracting everyone, refusing to cooperate and not doing his work.

I can see that it would be upsetting to hear these things, have heard them myself in my time as DS1 has learning problems, but rather than taking thtem on board you just seem to be offended and annoyed.

My DS is now 15. When he has 5 we were told that academically he was in the bottom third of his year group. DH is very nerdy so was gutted....we both felt a bit crestfallen that night.

Fast forward 10 years, all change ....he's a right swot and doing brilliantly. We nurtured him, helped him along. Big big warning not to pidgeon hole kids too soon. It's can be dangerous and very damaging.

Tbh I always find parents evening so depressing. Teaching is all about targets, the pupils teaching certain )and I my view far too pushy) goals are what teachers are measured against, so long as they are engaged and trying it’s all that matters to you at that stage as you know in a few years your DS might be streets ahead of a child who is currently top of the class

I'm a teacher (although teens..) I think this is awful, to be honest.

I'd have listened to it all politely and then said, 'Do you have anything nice you can say about my 5 yo son? I generally find that a positive attitude goes much further in encouraging children to progress. I find your negative comments quite concerning'.

I am always bluntly honest with parents about their child - but I always have something good to say about them too!

At his age you should be putting your foot down about the homework. That is a non-negotiable.
Apart from that he sounds lovely. It's great he can dress himself at that age. And active play can be very underrated by schools. It's so good from his development and he will be able to concentrate for longer periods if he is getting all his energy out.
Please don't worry it will suddenly all click into place when he is ready in regards to writing etc.

I must be bloody mean, because delaying the park for 30 minutes to do homework and set that routine in place doesn't sound to mean to me.

*He is described as boisterous, loves to put on voices and entertain, fling his clothes around and mess about instead of getting changed, refuses to do homework and you excuse him as being "still a baby" and "funny".

He really isnt a baby. The other kids can manage it so why cant he? Either he has a genuine behavioural or developmental issue or he simply ignores the rules in favour of mucking about. Either way it needs dealing with*

Ds was exactly the same. No he doesn't have behavioural problems he was only a few weeks before a 3 yr old so was a baby.

I had the same parents evening.
Including the splitting up of him and his friend from nursery.
Instead they just didn't play with anyone in school but met up after.

I was also told that he would probably be better in a special school.
He is Dyslexic and has dysgraphia. So couldn't read or write.
I was told he was so far behind he was below nursery standards.

I thought parent's evenings were meant to mainly focus on trying to find the nicest way possible to tell parents where their kids need to improve? In rather short time frame since there are lots of parents to see.

Or is it different in the UK?

why this is a recption child, who is 4/5 years old, so little, and been in school for 6 hours learning, of course they will go to the park after school and play. In fact ds SENCO when he was in reception,said to let him play for an hour or so after school, to let him unwind, then short bites of reading, writing, Maths etc.

I’m quite shocked by this and sad for your little boy.

I’ve got 4 DCs and my youngest twins) are in reception.
We’ve moved around quite a bit, so have experience of quite a few uk schools, and I’ve never had a reception report like this.

If I were you, I’d ask for a further meeting with the teacher, and the TA who knows your son well, and calmly explain that the info you got at parents evening had left you concerned that your DS was really struggling in lots of areas and that you would like to know why they think he’s doing so badly and what they will be doing to help him. You can also ask for clarification about what they need from you at home.

It may be that the teacher has no idea her report sounded so negative and that she was just rushing to cover all the areas in the short time slot.

Hopefully you’ll come away from the further meeting with reassurance that your DS is doing fine and she didn’t mean to come across so badly, or if there is anything they’re really worried about, you can get clearer information.

He us 5
Take him out to play.
Incorporate learning in play like huge chalk to draw outside.
Too young to fret.

There is no research that homework in primary school has a postive effect on children’s progress. We are forced to set homework... I set it but never chase it. I don’t ever make my son (Reception) complete homework. That said, playing with play-doh/lacing activities etc. that he enjoys are good to encourage to develop fine motor skills.

Unfortunately this government insistence that all children reach the same level of development by the end of Reception drives behaviours like this. Your child’s teacher could definitely start a meeting with positives but it’s quite likely that her job/pay rests on your child reaching these goals. It’s an awful state of affairs and takes no account of children’s different rates of development.

that you would like to know why they think he’s doing so badly and what they will be doing to help him. That's the thing the teacher was mostly focusing on what we should be doing to help and while we do a lot with our kids, it did feel a bit like - "I don't have time to teach your child to read, write and count - I'm afraid you're going to have to do it..." so I did, luckily I had the time - but I wasn't qualified, didn't have resources to hand but I researched and bought equipment and I felt slightly annoyed that the school weren't doing their job but no point in shouting at a brick wall.