To be upset about parent's evening

[Witchesandwizards]

DS is 5 and in reception.
Last night we had parent's evening and I came away feeling very deflated as nothing positive was said about him. He's a lovely little boy - boisterous at home but caring and kind, and quiet at school but also kind and considerate (we have been told by school staff outside this parent's evening). He's also bloody funny and loves to put on an accent to entertain or during role play etc.

Learning - he is behind in writing and fine motor skills. We know this - we have only just been able to pursuade him to pick up a pencil (he would rather play), but he has recently started to and we are encouraging him. He often refuses to do homework and we can't force him, although we are quite forceful. I know that teachers have enormous pressure, and I can't see how he is going to meet 'target' and be able to write a sentence by July, but he is still a baby and I feel guilty about the pressure we have to put on our kids at such a young age - "sorry DS, we can't go to the park, we need to do your homework". I know for a fact from DD's class (now yr 4) that he is pretty normal for a boy of this age and that they are all reading and writing by yr 4.

Socially - he apparently needs to have more friends. He is very close to a girl who is the DD of a family friend and they went to nursery together. The teacher is trying to separate them and encourage them to play with other people. I don't mind being told this but not as a critisism. He is slightly less social than DD 8 (the second child thing where you just don't hang out with as may of his peer's families etc) but he goes to breakfast club and after school club where he has friends in different years and tennis/dance and swimming lessons where he has friends.

Personal care - he is messy - flings his stuff around when he gets changed for PE and is always the last to get ready. Probably our fault - his think is to do a 'striptease' and kick his pjs into far flung corners of the room. We can address this. But he can dress without help and is verging on obsessive cleanliness - never makes a mess in the toilet, always wases his hands and cleans his teeth without being told.

We were told at DDs meeting that she was a pleasure to have in the classroom. As a person. And I'm sure the same can be said for DS as he is very well behaved - his TA also does holiday and afterschool club and can't believe how quiet and good he is in class in comparison - but nothing like this was mentioned.

Anyway, we are going to action what we can, but it would have been good to come away feeling that his teacher actually likes him.

Ah i think this is one of those situations where both parties have different objectives causing their reactions to differ.

The teacher doesn't want a child falling behind the other children at this age, because he or she knows as the class progresses the child will struggle more and more to keep up. Maybe suffer, be frustrated and possibly start taking teaching time from the other kids as they require extra help

In addition if there are 29 other kids, the last thing you need as a teacher is a couple of messy kids taking your time as they kick their stuff to all four corners.

You may also be worried About behavuour you've seen where a child really wants to play with only one kid and isn't integrating,so try to help them by speaking to the parents and encouraging the child to socialise more and integrate with thr other kids.

The parent on the other hand isn't thinking of a teacher dealing with 30 five year olds and what has to be done, where the class is progressing or what it's like dealing with 30 kids that age changing for pe. The parent is being defensive and saying my kids normal, they will pick up at their own pace, they are just little. But sadly in classes of 30 kids in state education that's really not a luxury that's provided. They simply cannot provide individual care and progression to classes of 30.

So I'd pull back and think she was both trying to support your son for future progression , but also address some issues that may be causing her to spend more time on dealing with him than is fair and taking her time away from the other kids ie his strip tease and kicking his clothes round thr room.

Try not to take it so badly, she should have added some positives, but also try to remember she will have had reasons to point things out and those would not be just because she's mean. It would be she was either concerned or his behaviour is taking too much of her time v the other kids. It doesn't mean he's not totally normal and a great kid or that she thinks anything negative about him, more she's just doing her job and needs some coaching on adding positives too.💐

Honestly forget it, your teacher is a pain, she was probably tired and ready to go home. You know he is lovely, he will get there. Help me every second you can with the pointers she made to help him write more clearly and practice etc.

Hopefully you will get a nicer teacher next year

Whilst I agree it with it Is early days and I certainly wouldn’t be worrying about a child of 5, can I just point out your son is at school and is not a baby. If you’re babying him you’re doing him no favours at all.

Homework at that age shouldn’t take more than 15-20 minutes so you don’t have to say he can’t go to the park, instead try saying “we’ll go to the park as soon as your homework is finished”

Oh the he is just 5 and having worked with children in ks1 for years 5 year olds can be like this. So sad that it was all criticism and no positives. I think it says its about the school/teacher than the child and I do hope they are not "comparing" him to his siblings, such bad form if so

It's sad but you have to do something about where he is falling behind. He's your baby, i get that, but you need to get him ready for school.
Do you read to or with him everyday? Leave books lying around just like you did with the wipeable page.i bought books from school fairs, second hand shops and left them mainly on the back seat of the car without a word.
Do h/w with him. Find out how long they are meant to do it and do it for that long, but move along swiftly.
My son had ADHD and dyspraxia and teachers found him irritating (😢) - is there any chance it's more than immaturity?
Finally was he born in May, June, July, August? Summer born babies always struggle until they catch up.
Writing letters can be practised in many way- using flour outside on the path or on the kitchen table. Use wallpaper paper and board markers and get him to write the letters really BIG.
Set good homework habits now- use stickers and rewards. Reward effort rather than accuracy.
My son was always last changed. Teach him how to get undressed and dressed against a stop clock. Race each other and have fun.
Tell him nothing of what the teacher said, only that you are so proud of him for how well he is trying at school.

Use this experience as a way to sharpen up your practice- and make sure he is your baby at home.

I haven't had time to read the thread.

He sounds almost exactly like our DS. DS is in year 1 but summer born (late July) and so I think in many ways behaves like some of the older reception children.

DS is also messy,hates writing and struggles a bit with friendship. However luckily for us his teacher is more positive than your DS's. She says shes happy as he's obviously improving,showing interest in things and has lots of interesting ideas. She thinks there may be some learning difficulties and has helped us get a referral to paediatric services but overall she says the ideas are all there in his head its just that they are a long way from the paper.

He also has a target to write a sentence by July - I'm trying not to despair that he's nearly at the end of year 1 and still can't do it but keep reminding myself children develop at different rates and he will get there. After all he can now read far better and his writing is legible which it wasn't in September so somethings improving.

Look for the little things and take hope from them.. He's very young and if he wants to play let him. Perhaps book another appointment with his class teacher and say you're concerned and would like to discuss how he can be supported to progress.

Not all teachers are passionate about the job or have much love for the kids, they're often stressed out, overworked and jaded.

Don't take it so personally!

I would encourage the reading and writing as much as you can as the demands of year 2 are high and intervening early will help him.

I agree, @Hiphopfrog those I do think that teachers should be aware that for parents it is more of a personal issue; whereas for them the child is just one of 30 children, for the parent it is their precious child. A little bit of sensitivity goes a long way.

I will say that, as a parent, I've appreciated it when teachers have spoken frankly about my DDs when they have needed extra help. But it's easier to take negative comments if you can tell that your child's progress actually matters to the teacher, that they give you constructive advice on how to help. And yes, positive comments do really help.

WE were told our 5 year old girl needs to write a short book by the end of reception !!

Some teachers are crap at talking to parents. Smile, nod and ignore - as it sounds like your DS is doing just fine and your instincts are right.

I have 2 DS who are 14 and 11. Neither has mastered the art of not CONSTANTLY losing PE kit /uniform as it is strewn across all four corners of the changing room. If your DS teacher expects them to have this down to a fine art in reception she has super high expectations. I’ve visited the boys changing room and lost property at our school many many times on the hunt for missing items and the sheer volume of stuff left in there suggests they are all the same!!

The teacher isn't there to indicate whether she likes your son, OP. After all, what would then she do if she teaches someone she doesn't like?

She is wise to stick to observable behaviour she has seen.

Not all teachers are passionate about the job or have much love for the kids This cannot be inferred from the teacher's behaviour.

The teacher sounds (sadly), typical of some teachers I have come across.
They don’t celebrate what is fantastic about boys and try to teach with a one style fits all rule. Hopefully this will be his only (weak) teaching experience of this kind, there seems to be at least one in every primary school journey and will go on to grow into school at his own pace.
Good luck 😊

The teacher sounds (sadly), typical of some teachers I have come across. They don’t celebrate what is fantastic about boys and try to teach with a one style fits all rule

And this is based on what aspect of what the teacher has done?

I'm so sorry you're daughter is having trouble with that MiaowTheCat. Mine didn't seem to notice that she was being left out as such, but it did worry me. On a positive note, now that she can talk more clearly (at the start she literally couldn't say a sentence without someone looking at her like she was wierd or just walking off) she has made some solid friendships. The school are still on top form telling me that she's behind what's expected, but I can't pretend that they haven't helped with her speech. They didn't make it apparent to her or others that she was being side lined. They pick the children for group activities & it's never the same. The children are given a choice when it comes to pairs for PE/ outdoor education so they do get a choice sometimes. She was given some one to one time & they corrected her speech as much as they could. "Me want nono peas" was "I want yoghurt please". They never asked her to repeat it the way they wanted but she started to pick it up & corrected herself. Once the school and I were on the same page, she improved dramatically. Along with having to do it herself to be able to play along with groups. She's a summer baby so is nearly a year younger than some kids in her class. It's brilliant that your daughter is vocal at home & seems to have definitely improved since starting school. Could be worth speaking to them & suggesting coming up with a plan to improve her confidence which in turn will improve her speech in a social setting. If the school accept she needs more help, the children will pick up on that & be more forgiving. It's such a shame that children so young already feel excluded. Could you organise a play date outside of school? Or is she interested in any after school clubs? My DD has 1 after school club, only half an hour, but she loves it & in the 4 weeks she's been going, she's made 2 friends outside of her class & has more confidence. Your DD will get there at her own pace though & i hope she doesn't feel so left out soon enough. Sending kisses. X

i've looked after lots and lots of little boys (as NNEB trained nanny )
and your DS sounds perfectly normal .
boys are not designed to sit at desks
boys this age love to strip
off
boys function much better and calmer if they get outside to run everyday .
therefore i would forget what the teacher says and follow what you instinctively know that he will be fine .
i would tell the teacher you are not doing homework
he is in reception and no one should have homework in reception
you will be using g the time to experience life
to run in the park
to climb trees
to ride bikes
to have time to daydream
if the teacher complains
tell her that this sort of play helps gross motor skills
without gross motor skills , fine motor skills won't develop.
this is what he needs to learn writing when he's ready .
let him have lots of messy play opportunity .
(a corner to dig ..some paper pinned up
to paint all over
let him enjoy mark making without it being forced at a desk )
it seems like another case of teachers etc trying to make boys be girls in the class room

Tbh I doubt she dislikes him. Teachers are generally quite even handed with kids, and ( living with a teacher, and spending lots of time in junior schools) generally kids have to be very sly or wilfully unkind to be disliked. Your son is patently neither of those things.
It’s a pity she couldn’t be more considerate in what she said, but she was probably just giving you a picture of what he is like in the learning environment.
The main thing is how he feels about school.

MiaowTheCat
Sorry hun, didn't want that to come across as it's your DD at fault here. The school definitely need to up their game when making excuses for your DD to feel excluded. That's what I meant by putting a plan in place. If she and you both feel supported by the school when it comes to building her speech & confidence, she'll start to make firm friendships and won't feel left out. I'm lucky I didn't have to ask for that support but it's clear their way of thinking when it comes to your DD being side lined by other girls is warped. I'd see that as their essentially blaming her/you for her speech and that would piss me off. My DD's dad's side all had major speech problems growing up to the point that one of his siblings didn't utter a word until she was 5. All my children have had to have some sort of speech therapy. Again, sending hugs & hope she doesn't feel so left out soon enough!

He sounds perfectly normal to me, not falling behind. In other (better) education systems they wouldn’t be doing formal education yet so nothing to fall behind on!

I also agree that school is bias against boys. It all seems v positive for parents of girls, and the same criticism come up about boys over and over...we really need to make a system that works for boys, they make up half the population!!

OP I would take no notice, don’t force writing if he isn’t keen, it will come. Be positive with him and encourage his own interests as thats where great learning lies for him. My own son couldn’t write at that age but loved junk modelling for example.

OP there is NOTHING wrong with your son! There are serious flaws in the state education system and it sounds like the teacher may be a bit of a sour puss. "Behind" isn't even a thing, it's state mandated. There are plenty of countries/schools in Europe that have either done away with lessons entirely or do not even expect a child to read or write before 7 years of age. Our school children are among the poorest performing and unhappiest in Europe right now. I'd take issue with him being separated from his one particular friend (it sounds like he has no problem socialising, he just likes this one person the most: isn't that called having a best friend?) It seems excessively cruel to me. What's wrong with kids learning through play? What's wrong with kids forming strong one to one bonds with kids their own age and learning through that? Our state education system is backwards and still using a teaching style fit for an industrial society, yet we have no industry. In order to succeed now and in the future, children need to explore their imaginations, yet schools seem intent on quashing that very quality. Stand up for your kid, tell school you'll do what you can whilst allowing your son to explore himself and the world and his imagination :)

nannykatherine Dreadful stereotyping. Personally I found nearly all children benefit from being able to run around for part of their day.

I totally agree MiddleAged, we can learn a lot from Nordic countries, who have a more relaxed approach and better results.

For anyone receiving this kind of parents' evening feedback in Year R-2 these days, do be aware that the curriculum has been pushed down the chain by almost a full academic year in the last 2 years. So parents with kids in year 4 upwards won't have had their kids held up against the same utterly ridiculous standards that the poor teachers are forced to report against now.

Add to that most primary teachers are blissfully unaware that there IS a fine motor development delay in boys compared to girls which means that most boys won't physically be able to write 'neatly' until well into year 1, often year 2.

I think most parents of a year R kids these days, particularly young ones in the year, would be well primed to nod and smile when updated against progress versus end of year 'targets'. Work hard with their kids on finding the fun in school, trying hard and enjoying it (even when the fun is actively being sucked out of it all by the curriculum and progress reports).

The kids do catch up by age 8 or so as long as they've not been switched off to learning or led to believe they are 'failures' already by that age.

Persist with the homework (10 minutes) OP, read, help him get his PE kit tidy for sure - but do keep him smiling, laughing and having a positive attitude to his learning. Sadly it's it the curriculum's (and de facto the teachers') job to tell too many kids they are not meeting expectation now. Don't buy into it and keep them thriving until they are ready to catch up with it!

PS yes, this teacher does sound joyless, even though she reported what's required. I hope you can find some things to do to help keep him positive that learning is an amazing experience

Homework at that age shouldn’t take more than 15-20 minutes so you don’t have to say he can’t go to the park, instead try saying “we’ll go to the park as soon as your homework is finished

So return home from school when everyone else is going to the park. Then do homework and then return to the park probably 45 minutes to an hour later when everyone has gone home.

Ds would spend hours crying trying to form letters and write sentences he couldn't even read and if he didn't complete everything he would miss his breaks and lunches as they would make him sit at his desk staring at a piece of paper. By the time he was in year 3 he hated school.