To be upset about parent's evening

[Witchesandwizards]

DS is 5 and in reception.
Last night we had parent's evening and I came away feeling very deflated as nothing positive was said about him. He's a lovely little boy - boisterous at home but caring and kind, and quiet at school but also kind and considerate (we have been told by school staff outside this parent's evening). He's also bloody funny and loves to put on an accent to entertain or during role play etc.

Learning - he is behind in writing and fine motor skills. We know this - we have only just been able to pursuade him to pick up a pencil (he would rather play), but he has recently started to and we are encouraging him. He often refuses to do homework and we can't force him, although we are quite forceful. I know that teachers have enormous pressure, and I can't see how he is going to meet 'target' and be able to write a sentence by July, but he is still a baby and I feel guilty about the pressure we have to put on our kids at such a young age - "sorry DS, we can't go to the park, we need to do your homework". I know for a fact from DD's class (now yr 4) that he is pretty normal for a boy of this age and that they are all reading and writing by yr 4.

Socially - he apparently needs to have more friends. He is very close to a girl who is the DD of a family friend and they went to nursery together. The teacher is trying to separate them and encourage them to play with other people. I don't mind being told this but not as a critisism. He is slightly less social than DD 8 (the second child thing where you just don't hang out with as may of his peer's families etc) but he goes to breakfast club and after school club where he has friends in different years and tennis/dance and swimming lessons where he has friends.

Personal care - he is messy - flings his stuff around when he gets changed for PE and is always the last to get ready. Probably our fault - his think is to do a 'striptease' and kick his pjs into far flung corners of the room. We can address this. But he can dress without help and is verging on obsessive cleanliness - never makes a mess in the toilet, always wases his hands and cleans his teeth without being told.

We were told at DDs meeting that she was a pleasure to have in the classroom. As a person. And I'm sure the same can be said for DS as he is very well behaved - his TA also does holiday and afterschool club and can't believe how quiet and good he is in class in comparison - but nothing like this was mentioned.

Anyway, we are going to action what we can, but it would have been good to come away feeling that his teacher actually likes him.

Bloody hell OP he is only 5 , this teacher sucks big time!

Reminds me of my DS parents evening, the teacher said he needed to concentrate better, he was fine working for 15 mins, but then started to fidget, or talk. She also said he read quite well, though slowly, and had good ideas, but was quite poor at getting them down on paper....
....he was FOUR, and had been in school 3 weeks!

If it makes you feel better, my six year old's report started with... "An obstinate child (he is stubborn, but it is not the first thing I'd note about him by a long stretch)...blah blah blah, a restricted group of friends (he has three really great best friends in class), and then went on to list a load of generic stuff plus the fact all his scores were 9/10. But the message was very clearly: I don't like his personality much, even if he is doing well. Which hurts when you know they have clearly not got to see their true little characters. I.e. they have spent zero time on anything other than work and have no interest in their actual lives out of school. I teach, and pride myself on knowing the child as a person with values and interests, not just how well they sit in a chair and their maths scores.

He sounds like a 5 yo boy, bless! My ds is only 21 months and I'd hope he'd turn out like yours!

Dd is 5 but in yr 1 (she's August born) and the only homework they get is spelling which they have a week to learn. I genuinely think it's unfair for Reception children to have homework and for yrs 1 & 2 to have too much. They all have such long days for little people and deserve to chill after school.

They did that with my DD....separated her and her little friend who was a boy. I think it was because the boy's Mother wanted him to play with boys....he wasn't really interested in that though. My DD luckily had lots of other kids she was friendly with but she was confused about it.

I bet the girl's mum doesn't want her child playing with a boy.

If the teacher said nothing positive about 5 year old, the teacher is actually crap, imo. Forget about it, and move on. I really wonder how can she/he be good at early years teacher if they are so negative about everything.
And homework, no, doesn't worth forcing at this age.

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread yet, but wanted to comment on this:

Tinty Thu 15-Mar-18 15:04:21

I am a bit hmmm at the teacher trying to separate him from his little friend, why can't they be friends if they get on well together. There is plenty of time for them to mix and make other friends as they get older. Is it because she is a girl? Would she separate him from his friend if it was a boy?

My DD had a very best friend in nursery class and theirs was a very exclusive friendship. Both of their reports advised that they needed to broaden their friendship group and friend's mum and I were very narked about this. However, turns out the teacher was right, the school orchestrated this and it has been very good for the children. I know of another pair of BFFs who were allowed to remain exclusive and by year 6 it had imploded. Such a shame.

You son sounds exactly like mine was when he was little, so awful that they have homework at such a young age, he should be playing , my son also only had one friend at a time and this was constantly brought up, I home schooled him from 14 years old as he was so unhappy, now at 17 he is living in his own flat, in another country, really really popular with lots of friends, he was also very very funny and entertaining with in my opinion is a very overlooked skill!!
Your son will be fine, it’s not a completion , he will catch up or not!! Either way it really doesn’t matter!! It’s only school !!

It sounds to me like it’s a gender stereotype thing.

The assumption that boys are rowdy, don’t pay attention, are slower with fine motor skills. It sounds like the teacher is looking at “boy qualities”, which aren’t traits suited to a classroom, and focussing in that. If she had to come up with positives, they’d be “girl traits” - sitting nicely, playing nicely, making friends etc, which of course everyone knows just isn’t in a boys nature...

It does strike me on this thread that parents of boys are having the same negative issues raised, while parents of girls are having positive meetings.... the positives being praised are generally girl stereotypes....

I thought they had to say at least one positive thing about a child or at constructive criticism.
It can't have been easy having to listen to how their little angels got a glowing report. While your little one is getting pulled to bits.

About HW it can be a bit much for them. They're in school all day which is a life time to them. When they get home they just want to play or watch TV. Just like we just want to chill out after work. Some will say but teachers have to go home and do marking ect ect. However the difference is they choose that profession. Not only that but schools don't always know the dynamics of a child's family life.
However the school are under pressure from The powers that be who spit their dummies out when targets are not being met. However this is no slur or disrespect on the school but targets are not yours nor your ds problem. All children are different. They pick things up at different stages. I dont believe in putting pressure on a child.
I've always said school should be something they enjoy not a place that instills a fear of failure.

In formal parent's consultations it is the teacher's statutory duty to report on your child's progress against age-related expectations. These include, for 5 year olds, the ability to independently write a phonetically plausible sentence. It's horrific and unnecessary and I have just had two evenings of reporting the equivalent nonsense about 11 year olds. I explained to each parent that they could talk about different aspects of development and character after school whenever they wanted (within reason!) I don't know any Early Years teachers who think the requirements are fair or useful but the government pays our wages. Parents condoning competition between schools and wanting easily quantifiable 'good' schools give a green light to governments of all colours to impose these ridiculous targets. BTW I'm all for individuality but when I had 32 Reception children, a 'boisterous striptease' while getting ready for PE would have tested my patience.

Wow-,they sound harsh and your ds sounds lovely.

This was my ds pretty much all the way through primary school. Think we only had one ok parents eve. (one eve he was criticised for having girls as friends). Tonight was his first secondary school parents eve. It was a revelation in that they looked for what's working rather than what's not. He's doing really well and he's interested.
At primary homework was hard until year 5 and he was desperate to leave and go to secondary. Mine's messy and he still has a bit to go on presentation but they focussed on the content of his work.
Remember your ds is 5 and in time it'll come. You just have to keep him interested in learning about the world. Half of my time with my ds was spent putting primary school into perspective.

That is a horrible attitude for anyone to adopt towards a child at parents night. As a parent I'd hate to hear of only the negatives and as a teacher I'd never give a report like that.

I'm just home from my own parent's night (glass of wine and ice cream in hand) and I can honestly say that I always focus on the positives to start with and then move on to struggles. However struggles are always followed up with a "and this is what I and doing to help/this is what I have thought of doing, what do you think?" approach.

For us, behind the nice words, in the first two years it was clear that DS (August born) was struggling with attention and independence, unsurprisingly given he'd only just turned 4 when he started and wasn't even mature for his age. But we knew they weren't having a go, school was always going to be a challenge. Our school didn't set homework below Y2, which I think is a good idea, I can see it being an extra strain for younger kids.

Half way through Y2 he is still struggling a lot with writing and maths, but we know it's nothing personal when the teachers talk about this.

But could it be the case that you took the descriptions of his difficulties a little too much to heart? Maybe you tuned into those a bit because they didn't seem to fit in with the boy you know?

Btw my ds is an August boy and he always lagged up until yr 4/5 when it clicked. He's doing v well now.

At that age the teachers were in a panic about my son as he just wasn't picking up on reading etc. Now at 11 he is targeted for top grades in everything.

One day at around 7 it just clicked and off he went, no stopping him.
So I wasn't worried when the teachers started panicking about my daughter.

*I must be horrible then because a few things jumped out at me.

He is described as boisterous, loves to put on voices and entertain, fling his clothes around and mess about instead of getting changed, refuses to do homework and you excuse him as being "still a baby" and "funny".

He really isnt a baby. The other kids can manage it so why cant he? Either he has a genuine behavioural or developmental issue or he simply ignores the rules in favour of mucking about. Either way it needs dealing with*

I agree, the teacher has enough to manage with a full class without the class clown. Five is not a baby and he should be settled into reception by now and acting accordingly.

I wonder, given the description, if the teacher has noticed his behaviour is influencing or holding back the friend or the parents have asked for them to be split up.

If a five year old in reception doesn't want to sit and write, there should be opportunities to write as part of the play provision in the room. Children at that age should still be learning mostly through play.

sorry DS, we can't go to the park, we need to do your homework
Please don't say this. Don't make him think that dreadful old school work is stealing his fun. A simple "we will go when you've finished your homework" would be better.

Tonight was his first secondary school parents eve. It was a revelation in that they looked for what's working rather than what's not. He's doing really well and he's interested.
Yes, this has been my experience too!

Throughout primary, my DS was seen as a bit difficult, asking questions which weren't relevant enough, being silly...I was a bit worried what secondary school would make of him...
..but with v little exception, the teachers at secondary school were so much more positive, and seemed to value his enthusiasm and interest, and seemed to actually like him :-).
Odd really, that primary schools seem so much more rigid in what they expect.

Well from the description you know what the teacher said was factual -
He doesn't write
Messes about
Has less friends

So what were you expecting?

Some schools / teachers just seem hell bent on sucking the joy out of life. Jesus. He's 5. In many countries he wouldn't be at school for another 2 years. Hopefully the Year 1 teacher will be more capable of seeing the good in these little people.

Oh and sod the bloody homework. Read to / with him on a daily basis for fun and that should be it.

Thanks for all your reassuring words. I am pretty sure he is normal but good to hear it so resoundingly.

And for the people who are surprised I am upset, it ws obviously hard to come away and hear nothing good from that meeting. They could at least have told me that he is incredibly well behaved as other staff have told me - surely that must count for a lot in a class of 30 4/5 year olds......and be an asset for learning?

And one thing I forgot to mention is that when she was referring to him being messy she mentioned an incident when a Year 1 teacher was around when they were changing and they had a "good luck, he'll be in your class next year" type of conversation. While I can perfectly accept that sort of conversation happens and I can be mouthy like that at work myself, I fail to see why she told me.

I asked him tonight if he was messy when he gets changed and he said no, and that he puts all his stuff in his bag afer changing. Tomorrow morning when he gets dressed I will get him to put his pjs tidily but I don't want him to worry about it. He takes things to heart.

I also asked him who he played with today and he mentioned 4 children other than his bestie (who, incidentally, does have more friends than DS according to the teacher, so he is not holding her back). I am not really worried socially (more pissed off it has been mentioned as an issue) because I have witnessed some lovely playing with school friends - they recently had a disco and he was the life and soul on the dance floor, as well as a class birthday party at the weekend where he was having a ball with everyone. I spoke to a couple of friends at pick up, and they laughed about him having no friends as he careered up and down the climbing frame playing Paw Patrol with a group of classmates. It's just odd.

Finally, I left one of those wipe clean books you can use to practice letter formation on the table tonight and while I was making tea he started using it without me asking. Baby steps

I'm in school tomorrow reading to his class so I will have a chance to have a nosey...