To be upset about parent's evening

[Witchesandwizards]

DS is 5 and in reception.
Last night we had parent's evening and I came away feeling very deflated as nothing positive was said about him. He's a lovely little boy - boisterous at home but caring and kind, and quiet at school but also kind and considerate (we have been told by school staff outside this parent's evening). He's also bloody funny and loves to put on an accent to entertain or during role play etc.

Learning - he is behind in writing and fine motor skills. We know this - we have only just been able to pursuade him to pick up a pencil (he would rather play), but he has recently started to and we are encouraging him. He often refuses to do homework and we can't force him, although we are quite forceful. I know that teachers have enormous pressure, and I can't see how he is going to meet 'target' and be able to write a sentence by July, but he is still a baby and I feel guilty about the pressure we have to put on our kids at such a young age - "sorry DS, we can't go to the park, we need to do your homework". I know for a fact from DD's class (now yr 4) that he is pretty normal for a boy of this age and that they are all reading and writing by yr 4.

Socially - he apparently needs to have more friends. He is very close to a girl who is the DD of a family friend and they went to nursery together. The teacher is trying to separate them and encourage them to play with other people. I don't mind being told this but not as a critisism. He is slightly less social than DD 8 (the second child thing where you just don't hang out with as may of his peer's families etc) but he goes to breakfast club and after school club where he has friends in different years and tennis/dance and swimming lessons where he has friends.

Personal care - he is messy - flings his stuff around when he gets changed for PE and is always the last to get ready. Probably our fault - his think is to do a 'striptease' and kick his pjs into far flung corners of the room. We can address this. But he can dress without help and is verging on obsessive cleanliness - never makes a mess in the toilet, always wases his hands and cleans his teeth without being told.

We were told at DDs meeting that she was a pleasure to have in the classroom. As a person. And I'm sure the same can be said for DS as he is very well behaved - his TA also does holiday and afterschool club and can't believe how quiet and good he is in class in comparison - but nothing like this was mentioned.

Anyway, we are going to action what we can, but it would have been good to come away feeling that his teacher actually likes him.

Well these things you mentioned can impact on a childs learning and I suppose the teacher is hoping you can support her so that he has consistency both at home and schooll. He needs to learn to temper the following behaviours for his own education now and most certainly for the future:

boisterous at home
He often refuses to do homework
he is messy - flings his stuff around when he gets changed for PE

She should have mentioned his kind and considerate nature though and other things that are his strengths. . A bit much to focus on the negatives. Also with the homework, maybe she could agree to give him less if he is finding it hard to engage or make it more active like when learning sounds to do it in a variety of ways - coming home from school find things that begin with a or a game on the computer.

I have always deflected any negative comments at parents evening by asking what is the school going to do to move forward on any problems - and what can I do to help.

I think it’s really really important for a 4 year old boy that school should continue to be positive. Some children are really not ready for formal education at that age, and if the school handles this wrongly it may put a child off learning for life.

I agree about formal learning being hard for a 4 year old. It should be all play based. However learning instructions and rules are still necessary for skills later and health and safety.

My DD, at age 5 but in Y1 said 'mummy, I work really hard all day at school. I don't want to do homework'. I said 'fair enough love. Let's go to the park and play on the swings instead'. I let the teacher know. She's done about 70% of her homework in Y 2,3 and 4. Is doing fine at school and we still go to the park on a dry day and sometimes play Rummikub, chess or Exploding Kittens instead of doing homework.
I hate that Primary kids have homework/stress.

Yes maybe she could have said some positives too. But she was objective and honest about where he isn't doing as well as his peers. You either want a realistic assessment or you don't. I often hear parents complaining that teachers didn't spot difficulties early enough. And if you think teachers would love the whole class throwing their clothes around as they are changing for PE you should try being a teacher. I cant imagine it is that charming and delightful for them. Or is it only charming if your son does it?

If there's 30 or however many kids in the class the teacher just isn't going to be as in love with him as you are. You will need to get used to that. It carries on throughout school. But do try to hear what they are objectively trying to tell you - it might tell you how he's getting on compared with others in his peer group.

Ds was made to stay in every break and lunchtime to do his homework that he hadn't handed in. So all those that don't do homework with your child what would you do if your DC was kept in every break time to complete homework they couldn't do.
He hadn't done it because he couldn't read and write.
In the end I took him out of school altogether.

I’ve definitely had this. In fact he was only allowed half days for two terms because he was so ‘lively’ and distracting.

I think my son did rub teachers up the wrong way, he’s exhausting. I saw it as my job to remind them that he is not naughty, just by nature very lively, and that could we find ways to teach him that work with his nature?

Although I had to teach him to read myself because they weren’t able to cope. Unfortunately teachers are tired and sometimes only able for the ‘calmer mainstream’ kids.

I've had this. I even had it in nursery school, where they just listed every single thing DS struggled with and told me to practice threading buttons with him. He has since been diagnosed with dyspraxia. It was salutary, I suppose, to see how he was viewed outside the home, but I've never quite forgiven how it was handled. When I mark students' work I always always start with the positives. I find it appalling that someone would fail to do this about a 5 year old boy who, quite frankly, sounds absolutely delightful.

Tomorrow morning when he gets dressed I will get him to put his pjs tidily but I don't want him to worry about it. He takes things to heart.

Would you rather he got upset at home when learning lessons, where you can comfort and explain, or at school where he wont get that comfort?

Its your job to teach him these things, and it worries me that you are more concerned about not upsetting him than teaching him what he needs to know.

Often parents evenings are only long enough to have a quick chat about progress. Teachers therefore tend to concentrate on the things that need improving upon. You could always ask to see the teacher again for a longer meet up or how about once a month having an appointment to chat about things and ask the teacher what you should concentrate on next. Ask the teacher direct questions. Find out from the teacher what your son is good at and then at home reward your son stating that his teacher is pleased with the way he does . . .

If the teacher really had an issue with your son s/he would have asked to see you outside of parent's evening. So, to leave it to a formal Parents evening means that your son is doing okay.
I wouldn't worry. If your son wasn't okay you would know about it because you would be asked to go into the school for a chat. It might be that all the kids in your sons' class are lovely!
By the way you sound like a lovely caring mum who is doing everything right.

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I’m genuinely upset at some of the stories on this thread and I’m a hatchet faced old sow!

for all the little DCs with horrible teachers. Good to hear how many shrugged it off and went in to do well and be happy.

Learning - he is behind in writing and fine motor skills

We had this. It's a family issue related to hypermobility. I tried to explain to school but they looked blank. Seems unless it is dyslexia, there is little understanding. Got DC1 referred for a physio type assessment and eye-hand coordination was 18 months behind at age 5. Then got referred to a vision therapy clinic and they literally fixed it over the coming year or so with specific exercises that were easy to do at home. DC1 now pretty much on target.

I'm not saying your kid has this, just offering experience in case you want to rule it out now and not in 2-3 years when there's more remedial work to do.

Fact: over half of people diagnosed with dyslexia actually have other issues.

Finally, he's only 5. It's early doors and none of my DC really got their act together until Year 3.

Hang in there x

I don’t get why you think those are negative? Isn’t it just stating facts? Giving you advice on how to help etc.
My daughter is going through testing for ASD, is academically behind, emotionally behind and has sensory processing difficulties. I get over it - she is who she is and I fully accept it.

I had this for many years with my son and can totally relate. Someone will get him and find him as lovely as you do eventually. But it made me really sad too. Now he’s at senior school and I think most teachers get him.

I remember receiving a lidt of things my ds could improve on and nothing positive. He was four and in nursery and usually just about anybody would day how nice/kind/polite/funny he was, but none of this was mentioned. I felt so deflated. He started school at 4.5 and like your son, had difficulty with pencil control. I could understand the teachers worry. She didn't want him to lag behind on other areas. Like your son, he was also quite babylike and took ages to dress for gym etc. Tbh I think that's mainly due to age and maturity. Perhaps make a timing game at home to keep him on task? I would say also to persevere with the homework. It's a shame he has it, but he has the same homework as everyone in the class and it'll help him catch up. Btw my boy caught up soon after and is doing fine at school. You should be proud you have a lovely boy. Solid foundations to build on.

Ah sorry for the typos, I'm on my phone.

My sister had this 26 years ago with her eldest son, the teacher told all the negative things and my sister said is he good at anything then?
The teacher said oh yes but failed to mention what, sister left very deflated.

Fast forward now he married lives in Australia after being head hunted by a large software company, and he’s not only found a job he loves and is good at but he’s being paid a lot for it.

Remember school is just a small amount of what he can achieve in his long life, there’s so much more he can do, like my nephew, he wasn’t academic but my god he’s done well for himself.

Don’t worry OP. He sounds a lovely little boy and he’s only got 1 more term with this teacher! And to be frank it doesn’t sound like he is the one with the problem!

We had a similarly negative experience at a parents evening in reception with DD, when we were basically told we’d completely failed her as she hadn’t wanted to do the sums the teacher wanted her to do. Interestingly the class teacher was “let go” 6 months later.

Not had this experience again in the next dozen or so parents evenings!

I've worked with children for 12 years from ages newborn up to 16 years old. That teacher sounds like a miserable bitch. Firstly you should never separate a child from their friend (unless bullying, or some form of inappropriate behaviour etc) just so they can "make new friends" that will most likely make them more shy and withdrawn if a child likes to play with a particular child you can encourage them to play with others but not force technically the teacher is interfering in his social development and not in a good that's a big no no. Overall your son sounds like he's on track really, developmentally every child is different some may struggle in certain areas but are doing well in others. And what kinda homework are you gonna give a 5 year old? nothing to hard as they won't sit for long to do it. Boisterous children can be a bit tiring but that is what playtime and PE are for exercise so they can get all that energy out and then its calm down time. As for being messy sounds like the teacher expects the children to be military standard neat I honestly don't know how you kept your cool I would have said "so do you have anything positive to add or is it all going to be you complaining about him?" I wouldn't worry too much about it some teachers are good and helpful some just really have no clue about child development and put too much emphasis on the books and if a milestone is not achieved by certain age they immediately assume they're behind as I said before children develop at their own rate.

aries
There's a substantial grey area between military standard neat and flinging clothes around because mummy's so entertained by it, probably accompanied by an amusing accent. Tell you what, lets not do PE, we'll watch the show instead.

My DS reception teacher was the same. She was young, inexperienced and just didn't 'get' him. His year 1 teacher can't stop singing his praises! And has written a fabulous report and was only positive at parents evening. Completely different comments!!! Same kid!

Put it down to a bad teacher. Be as encouraging as you can at home, praise him, and hope he gets a better teacher in year 1!

There will always be one poor teacher in a child's life - good to get it out if the way in reception!! :)

he sounds lovely - so sad to get homework this age :(

My daughter's parents evening was pretty much the same aside from the changing of clothes. She has just started to take an interest in writing her name. She's no where near her peers in terms of reading & writing. She's just been discharged from speech therapy as going to school forced her to talk so she could engage with other children. I noticed on more than one occasion that she was side lined alot when in groups because some of the children just couldn't understand her. I don't push her to read or write, I just do it with her. She's 4!! She shouldn't be expected to be able to read & write at that age. She shouldn't even be expected to have some of the social skills that the teachers want them to have. And I'm happy for her to go at her own pace until it all clicks into place. Your son sounds like his doing brilliantly. And the clothes? He has character & I know they work on a time line but it sad that were all expected to conform to the expected. My son used to come out with polo shirts inside out. Socks tucked in trousers. Other peoples school uniform on! Only since he has been in year 3 has he took more care & attention to all aspects of school. Take no notice, he's doing fine.