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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that these days a baby is for life, not just for school years!

390 replies

boboismylove · 15/03/2018 11:20

I'm just wondering about the general attitude towards your children potentially living with you until circa 30/ have a housing deposit saved?

For me, looking at the current state of things in the country, I fully expect my DS to be living with me for a long time after graduation, and am planning accordingly. Ie, I hope to buy within a couple of years, and will aim to buy in a city with decent unis and jobs in case my DS can't afford to move out, and if I ever come across extra money I will put it towards potential post-grad fees. I wouldn't have any more kids unless situation drastically changes because I won't be able to give the same support to all, ect...

I see this as part of a duty as a mum, rather than doing him any "favours", and was something I took into consideration when I was pregnant. Although of course I would be so happy if he was independent and successful younger!

Also in my DS's dad's culture its the norm for kids to live with their parents until they (save enough) to get a place and then get married.

I know many people don't see things this way for example, for example my parents were fully expecting us to be independent at 18.

Just wondering people's thoughts on this?

OP posts:
crunchymint · 15/03/2018 16:54

Yes I met DP at 25 years of age. I would not have been interested in DP if he was still living with his parents.

PNGirl · 15/03/2018 16:55

The reason I mention this is because the OP mentions a baby being for life when some of my 30 year old friends had been to uni, got married and had 2-3 children by 30!

Unihorn · 15/03/2018 16:56

frasier
Why is it sad..?

cucaracha · 15/03/2018 16:56

One of my friends got gifted a HOUSE when they had their first baby! Married couple, both working, both independent, just generous and obviously ridiculously wealthy parents.

I don't think this couple is spoilt in any way, they are just extremely lucky! Why wouldn't you help your kids if you can afford to?

PNGirl · 15/03/2018 16:57

I met mine at uni. We moved in together for final year and got married at 25. I can't imagine we would be as close as we were now without moving 200 miles away together and making our own life.

crunchymint · 15/03/2018 16:57

Op had her DC at 25 years of age, so a bit odd that she assumes her DC will be single.

AmysTiara · 15/03/2018 17:03

I wasn't having a fantastic time living on baked beans in a dingy flat at 22. It wasn't the time of my life and something I want my kids to experience.

It was fucking miserable and made me feel shit.

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 17:05

I'm not assuming anything - I said potentially. I hope he's not single until he's thirty Grin

OP posts:
Babdoc · 15/03/2018 17:17

The young generation seem to think we baby boomers had it all easy, cheap mortgages, own homes etc. Well, my DH and I lived in a slum tenement with no bathroom, one paraffin stove for heating, dry rot in the floorboards and the gaps round the window frames plugged with rags!
When we finally managed to get a mortgage on a house, we were left with just £30 in the bank. Interest rates were sky high, and our furniture came from tatty second hand sale rooms - I remember our 3piece suite cost £1.50 and was hideous! I know house prices are horrific now, but we struggled too.
I don’t think any generation has it easier- my parents lot had the Depression and WW2 to get through, followed by housing shortages due to bombing.

frasier · 15/03/2018 17:31

Unihorn Because they are not happy. They are there because MIL wants them there and she sabotages their efforts to get away by ridiculing their ambition. She does not want any of her children to move away because she hasn't got a life or role other than "mother".

They see their brother (DH) doing great things with his life and think that is for "other people" (he was the one that got away). They have no money (high unemployment area) and don't believe they can have a life other than in their dump of a town because that's for "posh people".That's the ethos of the area the ILs live in.

Sad.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 15/03/2018 17:44

cucuracha where are you getting working in a fast food restaurant from?

cucaracha · 15/03/2018 17:48

where are you getting working in a fast food restaurant from?

Where do you think kids work when they have no education and leave home at 18 exactly?

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 17:50

@Frasier

That is very sad!!

OP posts:
HungerOfThePine · 15/03/2018 17:51

I won't be pushing my dc out the door at 18 but I will be encouraging independence while offering her the security of our home as well as enjoying more of my own independence from themGrin.
I'd expect early twenties is a good age to strike out on your own in a flat share, Uni or whatever and earlier if they want to.

Moving from parents to partner is not my idea of a life well led, not saying it's bad but it's very box ticking with no joy in it.

I was out before my 16th birthday and I'm not doing too bad though I could have done better.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 15/03/2018 17:56

Why would they have no education?

That's what I mean - there is no connection, it's a false leap from not living at your parents house as a mature adult to being a drop out without education.

I left home at 18 to travel then go to university - I never returned to live, though of course I visited. I stayed in my uni town, then moved abroad to teach EFL, then to London where I worked in an investment bank while studying for a masters degree in the evenings (Birkbeck). Years later I career changed without stopping work via the graduate teacher program - by then I'd bought a house with DH.

The only times I worked in catering were as summer jobs while still at school and doing my undergraduate degree.

Plenty of people still living with their parents might be working in a fast food restaurant because they don't have qualifications, but any causal link in either direction between living in the parental home and working in fast food restaurants sounds unlikely.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 15/03/2018 17:57

My latest post is @ cucuracha

MsAwesomeDragon · 15/03/2018 17:59

My dd1 is now 18 and while I'm not pushing her out of the door, I'm fully prepared for her to move away for uni and not come back for more than holidays. She'll always have a bedroom here, but it will be the box room once she's living elsewhere during term time, it's dd2's turn to have the bigger bedroom.

I'm not planning for either of my dd's to need to come home after they graduate. I pretty much assume they will be applying for jobs elsewhere, rather than limiting themselves to within commuting distance from our house (which would reduce their career prospects probably)

Dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown · 15/03/2018 18:12

The worst advice my (now Dh) and I ever received was from my mil advising us not to buy a house as she thought we were too young (early 20s, it was a big argument she made us feel stupid for wanting to own a home) the mortgage was in place and we were good to go. But took her advice. The housing crash and recession followed.

Managed 2 year ago though Smile

HairyToity · 15/03/2018 18:26

DH and I lived at home rent free with all washing and cooking provided till 26 and 27. We had saved 100k for a deposit (DH did not go to uni and earns more than me who did) in this time. It was a shock to the system living on our own, doing housework, gardening, budgeting etc. Steep learning curve. If you can provide the opportunity to your children - why not?

PNGirl · 15/03/2018 18:39

Honestly? Because I'd rather pay off my own mortgage early and then have plenty of equity in my home to pay for care I might need. Rather than saddling my children with trying to pay for it or do it themselves.

sidewayswithatescotrolley · 15/03/2018 18:40

My children won't be welcome to live with me when they are 30, unless they have nowhere else to go, in which case they can stay temporarily.

PNGirl · 15/03/2018 18:40

In this case I'm talking about giving deposits and buying in an area I can't afford that's close to unis rather than offering child a room, btw.

Pinkvoid · 15/03/2018 18:40

I wouldn’t allow my DC to live with me at 30. My Uncle still lives with my Nan and he’s 50... she does all of his cooking, cleaning and washing. He’s never managed to hold a relationship down because he’s a demanding self centred pain in the arse and I do not want my DC to be anything like him thanks!

I’d give them until 25 max then I’m afraid they’re out. I left home at 16 and that level of independence has been fantastic for me, I want similar for my DC (although 16 is too young.)

Batteriesallgone · 15/03/2018 18:46

cucaracha living somewhere run down with limited income doesn’t mean no education or prospects. Don’t be so ridiculous.

Besides, fast food joints pay quite well. Used to anyway. I remember being in retail on minimum wage being well jealous at how much my friends were paid at McDs.

BitchQueen90 · 15/03/2018 18:47

I plan on letting DS live with me rent free after school/uni or whatever on the condition that he saves for a deposit for his own starter home. If he is working full time it shouldn't take long. Property around here is cheap, you can buy a nice 2 bed terrace for £100k. (Obviously presuming he is still single then.)

I rent my home and will have to do that long term due to poor decisions I made when I was younger. I don't want DS to have that struggle.

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