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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that these days a baby is for life, not just for school years!

390 replies

boboismylove · 15/03/2018 11:20

I'm just wondering about the general attitude towards your children potentially living with you until circa 30/ have a housing deposit saved?

For me, looking at the current state of things in the country, I fully expect my DS to be living with me for a long time after graduation, and am planning accordingly. Ie, I hope to buy within a couple of years, and will aim to buy in a city with decent unis and jobs in case my DS can't afford to move out, and if I ever come across extra money I will put it towards potential post-grad fees. I wouldn't have any more kids unless situation drastically changes because I won't be able to give the same support to all, ect...

I see this as part of a duty as a mum, rather than doing him any "favours", and was something I took into consideration when I was pregnant. Although of course I would be so happy if he was independent and successful younger!

Also in my DS's dad's culture its the norm for kids to live with their parents until they (save enough) to get a place and then get married.

I know many people don't see things this way for example, for example my parents were fully expecting us to be independent at 18.

Just wondering people's thoughts on this?

OP posts:
YerAuntFanny · 15/03/2018 14:49

I'm 31, my kids are 12 and 5.

We can't scrape together a house deposit for them to live in now nevermind in 10/20 years time and as it currently stands they share a room which I doubt they'll want to do in adulthood especially as they're different sexes. Doesn't mean I don't want to parent them or that I care any less about them, just that for me it's not a high priority right now.

Tbh OP with the level of thought and worry you seem to have about this because "your babe is cute" I'd seriously consider speaking to your Health Visitor!

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 14:55

@YerAuntFanny

I just love him so much and don't want him to struggle even when he's a big man, surely most parents feel like this

OP posts:
IAmMatty · 15/03/2018 14:58

I don't want them to struggle, but I don't want them to not spread their wings either, and grow from their experiences.

Your way sounds as though you'd rather have a pampered 30 year old prince at home.

YerAuntFanny · 15/03/2018 14:58

I think all parents feel like that but your terminology and attitude towards this comes across more as you wanting him to be your "babe" foreverwhich no amount of money or stifling independence can do.

Save a bit if you can by all means, if it's there then that's sensible but you can't plan his life out with it.

DiplomaticBag · 15/03/2018 15:00

I just love him so much and don't want him to struggle even when he's a big man, surely most parents feel like this

Nope. Mine is 5 and I adore him, but have no intention of spending his childhood planning on how to prevent him having to 'struggle' in adulthood. If by 'struggle', you mean, live somewhere grotty while figuring out what he wants to do with his life.

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 15:01

I'm newish to mumnet I haven't got to grips with all this DD DS DDD DC stuff yet, so I sometimes refer to DS as my baby/ my babe that's all Confused

OP posts:
Strawberrylaceaddict · 15/03/2018 15:05

I moved out at 20 into rented because I had too - I was pregnant. I went to uni etc as a single mum and brought our own house about 2 years ago with dp with the help of parents. At 29 I still have friends that live at home that are still saving for a house with dp/dh. However they certainly have lived, gone on some extravagent holidays to very exotic places, regularly visit expensive restaurants, etc. Me and my dp Have different opinions, I am all for dcs living with us as long as they need to so they can buy, and will help them as much as I can, dp fully believes at 18 they are fully responsible for themselves including where they live. However in reality he knows that’s unlikely, we live where it’s expensive and where high paid jobs are hard to come by. So whilst I would certainly support them if they chose to move out young, there would be no pressure as such to do so (within reason,not sure how I’d feel above age 30!)

ADarkandStormyKnight · 15/03/2018 15:06

Wham lots of reasons it would have limited him - choice of uni being the most obvious but also personal freedom.

YerAuntFanny · 15/03/2018 15:08

It's not just how you refer to him at present but that you "don't want him to struggle because he is cute" or "when he's a big man", it's very much based on the fact that he is your tiny, cute baby.

He won't always be, he will develop a sense of self, he may hate living at home and decide to leave at 16, never go to uni and be happy in a run of the mill job. Your plans are all bases on the expectation that he must do these things, that's a lot of weight to put on a kids shoulders and I've seen first hand how people can rebel against it.

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 15:15

@YerAuntFanny

I've said a dozen times on this thread its about giving him the option, not pressuring him into anything

OP posts:
SingingSands · 15/03/2018 15:22

I’d expect my kids to have moved out by their early 20s, once they’ve either completed a degree or found work. The world is their oyster, I’d seriously hope they bugger off and explore it instead of bunking up with me forever!

nixnjj · 15/03/2018 15:23

I've told my 13 year old that he can stay here as long as he wants, however I can legally run away and live on a beach as soon as he hits 18.

When he's not being a little sod he's cute and my baby but I'm doing all I can to get him to live his life and have as much fun as possible and believe with hard work and the right attitude his dreams will come to fruition

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 15/03/2018 15:27

bobo some of the links your making are unfounded.

Plenty of adults still living in their parents' basement/ childhood bedroom at 30 are in dead end jobs or no job at all. Plenty of people go away to uni and stay living away from the parental home while they complete postgraduate degrees and persue careers and start families. I very much doubt living with your parents until you are 30 means you are more likely to have children, as someone suggested!

The only person over 25 who I know who still lives at home is bil, who has lived with oil all his life except when he moved out briefly for a very short lived marriage (lasted under a year), now divorced, and living with fil again aged 35. Nice bloke, perfectly content afaik but happy in a totally dead end driving based job, not a high flier.

The opposite is also true, but there is neither correlation nor causation as far as I know. Perhaps you have read studies indicating people who live at home til they are 30 are more likely to have post graduate degrees and rewarding careers, but if so I'd be surprised. People with a bit of self reliance and initiative are more likely to lead fulfilling lives ime.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 15/03/2018 15:28

Oil should have been PIL (autocorrect)

Coyoacan · 15/03/2018 15:37

The op sounds a bit as though she's hoping to raise a child into mature adulthood in a luke warm, soft, muted cocoon

Didn't we all, though?

Life takes twists and turns and things happen to our children that we would have done everything in our power to prevent, but these things are generally character building.

It is beautiful to see this love that a mother has for her baby. My dd is an adult and I love her but I no longer have that fierce protective love (thank God) as nature normally takes that feeling away as they become adults.

YerAuntFanny · 15/03/2018 15:45

Reading back over the OP and subsequent updates I can't help but think this will make an interesting news article or TV chat show subject...

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 15:46

@Evelyn

Sure I was just referring to the particular people i know who a) live in London where 800 has become standard rent for a room in a shared house (so you really can't save unless top income bracket). and b) . generally want to do stuff that requires post grad degrees and internships. In this situation, people who had the opportunity to stay at home in london after graduating seemed to have a big advantage.

OP posts:
Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 15:49

@YerAuntFanny

God no Blush

Thanks for the replies anyway. I did think few more ppl would have shared my approach considering the current climate but there we go! Flowers

OP posts:
Batteriesallgone · 15/03/2018 15:57

Here’s an idea.

If where you live is too expensive your child might move. They might even choose to live - shock! - abroad!! With furenners! Or they might live in a skanky room for pittance rent.

I am planning to provide a safety net. But I’m buggered if I’m going to extend my child’s teenage years by a decade. I hope I’ll raise them with broader horizons than that.

Also I personally think it’s important to have some experience of living in a hovel on limited income. Otherwise you end up with all sorts of funny ideas. So many people who live with their parents in their 20s conflict need and want. No you don’t actually need two toilets in your house. You want two toilets in your house. Stop being such a dandy and just buy or rent somewhere commensurate with your income income you spoilt brat.

Cantspell2 · 15/03/2018 16:09

I have two adult sons living at home plus my 80 year old disabled mother who I care for so three generations living together.
My oldest son does have some additional needs which does mean he needs a little more support than a nt twenty two year old but even so they are still independent adults. They work, I have no input into their finances bar what they give to me to cover their share of joint living costs. I rarely cook for them. I don’t clean their areas of the house, change their beds or in any way interfere with their spaces.
I do their washing only because it would be a waste if everyone was doing half loads all the time plus I am home during the day. I do the shopping but one of them always comes to help do the carrying and lifting. If they want anything different from what I planned to buy they get it in themselves. They come and go as they wish and so do their friends.
We all co exist together as a family unit of adults.
Just because they still live in the family home does not mean they are dependant on me or mummies boys unable to cope with independent living.

Buglife · 15/03/2018 16:10

What about the kids of people who don’t live in London, but might live in some small
provincial town or out in the country. Staying at home isn’t likely to give them many opportunities to follow varied post grad courses or have a huge range of internships to choose from. They need to be encouraged to move and chase what they want to do. Give them a bit of financial support in setting themselves up initially but I think they’d be better off getting help towards early rent costs so hey can pursue that post grad/internship to get the career that will support them in life rather then kept at home and gifted a house deposit 20 years later so they can buy a 3 bed semi.

KERALA1 · 15/03/2018 16:29

Unless they had additional needs I would be shocked if they stayed living at home after say a year or so of post graduate study. Theres a big world out there go and explore it while you are in your prime of life, not hanging about in your home town with mummy and daddy. The idea makes me literally shudder.

I was on a pittance after university and still rented in a flat share rather than live with my (very lovely and good company) parents. The drive to be independent is strong.

cucaracha · 15/03/2018 16:41

Also I personally think it’s important to have some experience of living in a hovel on limited income.

not if it stops you from having the same opportunities than others. If you are competing with people who don't need to do a dead-end job to pay the bills, but have time to train or study full-time, what's the actual point of wasting time?

You could argue that people who don't accept to live in grotty place and are ready to work hard and in the right jobs to achieve that can be just as happy.
There are so many threads from people who are stuck in renting, moan about the price of school uniforms, and are basically struggling. I'd rather my kids to target a well paid job if they want one, than wasting time in a fast food restaurant. they don't need to go to uni to work in one for a start.

You don't need to live in poverty to work hard and be successful.

frasier · 15/03/2018 16:44

KERALA1 Unless they had additional needs I would be shocked if they stayed living at home after say a year or so of post graduate study. Theres a big world out there go and explore it while you are in your prime of life, not hanging about in your home town with mummy and daddy. The idea makes me literally shudder.

Me too but that is what some family's want. All DH's siblings live within a mile of the PILs. Occasionally, when they aren't working or they have a break-up, they go back and actually live in MIL's house. There is no drive for independence and MIL fuels the stay-at-(her)-home attitude by feeding and clothing them.

They are in their 40s. Sad.

PNGirl · 15/03/2018 16:50

I feel like a lot of parents talk about their 30 year old offspring as if they will be single at that age and trying to live alone on one income. It's entirely possible they will be married or partnered up by then and benefiting from 2 incomes.