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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that these days a baby is for life, not just for school years!

390 replies

boboismylove · 15/03/2018 11:20

I'm just wondering about the general attitude towards your children potentially living with you until circa 30/ have a housing deposit saved?

For me, looking at the current state of things in the country, I fully expect my DS to be living with me for a long time after graduation, and am planning accordingly. Ie, I hope to buy within a couple of years, and will aim to buy in a city with decent unis and jobs in case my DS can't afford to move out, and if I ever come across extra money I will put it towards potential post-grad fees. I wouldn't have any more kids unless situation drastically changes because I won't be able to give the same support to all, ect...

I see this as part of a duty as a mum, rather than doing him any "favours", and was something I took into consideration when I was pregnant. Although of course I would be so happy if he was independent and successful younger!

Also in my DS's dad's culture its the norm for kids to live with their parents until they (save enough) to get a place and then get married.

I know many people don't see things this way for example, for example my parents were fully expecting us to be independent at 18.

Just wondering people's thoughts on this?

OP posts:
Eltonjohnssyrup · 15/03/2018 14:00

We will probably need the capital to pay for care for ourselves in later life

If I get to the point of needing care that much I’m going down Dignitas and finishing myself off. My family all feel a similar way about it. But we have a progressive illness in the family and having seen close up the point you get to when you need that sort of care from strangers I don’t think any of us want it.

Not that I’m saying anyone else should do it, but personally I wouldn’t choose a painful senile helpless old age when I could pass it on.

ReggaetonLente · 15/03/2018 14:03

I don't think this stuff was character building, it just made me depressed. I dont want my babe to go through it.

I do understand that, it’s natural, especially now.!But he might decide that is what he wants, and then there’s not much you can do except be supportive, let him know the door is open, and trust that you've given him the skills to look after himself and make sensible decisions. Which I’m sure you will as you sound like a lovely mum.

My parents would always have had me back, of course they would - it just wasn’t the life I wanted for myself.

Anquin · 15/03/2018 14:03

Well, ours have never earned enough to move out! A flat round here is over £1000 p.c.m. And that’s for a studio or room.

We do charge them each £50 p.w. as a contribution to the utilities and food etc. We have told them that when we retire we will sell the house and they’ll have to stand on their own two feet then, as we will downsize, so that gives them 11 years to establish themselves.

When I first moved out and into my first flat with my then-fiancé, the rent and utilities cost us about a third of our take-home pay. I think today’s costs are ridiculous compared to take-home pay and wouldn’t want them to live in poverty and struggling to eat. I guess we just have to understand that times have changed, and adapt our lifestyles accordingly.

User14567891 · 15/03/2018 14:04

I don't think this stuff was character building, it just made me depressed I dont want my babe to go through it

I feel like this exactly. Good experiences are character building. Damaging experiences are not good for people!

stevie69 · 15/03/2018 14:04

Who wants to still be living with their parents til 30 and then move immediately move into a mortgaged property, presumably to "settle down" and have their own child who does the same?

Where's the adventure? Where's the life?

I hope my children do more with their lives than that - I'm not talking about salary but about actually living, not plodding along a set path defined solely by some kind of cult of home ownership.

Couldn't have put it better if I'd tried. I left home at 18. I adore my Mum and Dad but ..... live with them as an adult? Fuck that for a game of soldiers Blush And they felt the same way, too.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 15/03/2018 14:05

Nope crazy but you asked what people were going to do if their children wanted to do postgraduate study. You live with your dad because luckily for you he happens to live on the doorstep of a suitable university. That hardly applies to most postgraduate students though. Living at home til you're 30 wouldn't mean living so near a university for most people. Most postgraduate students support themselves a long way from their parental home, as I did.

Lovemusic33 · 15/03/2018 14:07

When I planned to have children I didn’t plan to have them living with me until they are 30. I have 2 teen dd’s, both have Autism but dd2 more severe, she will never live independently so her moving out will depend on finding residential care or shared housing (with a carer), dd1 plans on going to UNI, I will support her until she’s working and has enough money to move out (hopefully before she’s 30).

Of course being a parent doesn’t stop when they reach 18, I will always be a mum to my kids but there comes a time when I need my own life and I hope that’s before they are 30 Grin

AnnabelleLecter · 15/03/2018 14:10

I doubt very much DD will be living with us much past 20, never mind 30. She's getting a house deposit off both us and pil.
We can still be there for her without us all living together.

NerrSnerr · 15/03/2018 14:11

What do some of you expect your children to do if they go on to postgrad study?

The vast majority of parents won’t be living within commuting distance to their child’s chosen course. Most postgrads I know live or lived in shared student houses. Come to think of it I don’t know any at home as they moved away to go to university.

Frazzledmum123 · 15/03/2018 14:14

Hmm by the looks of this post my life has been dull then Grin
I lived with my parents until I was 26 when I married and bought a house with my now husband. Never lived with him before but we are happy. In fact most my friends did the same - not necessarily married first but bought rather than rented and straight from living with parents. We are all still happy! By contrast, the friend who didn't, and went out 'living life' is now back living with parents in her mid 30s because she couldn't afford to keep renting and never did anything with her degree. The rest of us have children and are settled, she is single and has a far more exciting life but is miserable. In our case the few years of hardship we had has definitely paid off but we couldn't have done it without our parents allowing us to stay with them for as long as needed. I'm with you op, if my kids want to go and do their own thing then great but they will always have a home here. I have been reliably informed by my 4 year old though that she plans to live with us forever Grin

SunnyLikeThursday · 15/03/2018 14:14

There's only one kid in my entire extended family. I think if he could inherit a grandparent's house, that would really help a lot. Otherwise he'll not be having kids until he's 40 just like the rest of us. I would love if he could set up home early and have at least two kids himself. Otherwise our family is going to be mighty thin on the ground.

HRTpatch · 15/03/2018 14:15

Mine are at university. I've just moved 250 miles away from the city they consider home, although their father lives there so they have a home there.
They havd a bedroom each here but expect them to visit sporadically as their friends are back home. And that suits me fine. I'm enjoying a bit of independence myself and have lots of plans for the next few years ( late 50s)
I never lived at home once I was at university and have always encouraged mine to do the same

cucaracha · 15/03/2018 14:15

The most successful people around me, higher up in their various roles, come from well off families and completely acknowledge the help they got. It doesn't mean you can't be successful starting with nothing, but frankly, it is harder. More and more companies seem to demand degrees nowadays, and when you are recruiting someone with 15+ years experience already, it's ridiculous, a degree shouldn't change their job prospect.

I haven't seen any example of people spoil because they had help. I don't know any multi-billionaire with really spoil kids either, but that's a different world. I don't think Tamara Ecclestone look either successful or happy!

GreyCloudsToday · 15/03/2018 14:20

God no, they need to go and challenge themselves and build their own lives away from our influences as parents.

Saying that if I had they extra cash I wouldn't begrudge them, but I'm more worried about starting a pension for myself than providing a future house for my children.

Ginger1982 · 15/03/2018 14:22

Tricky one. I lived at home all through uni and moved out at 22 when I got a job in a different area. At 24 I got a job back in my home area and moved back home. I only intended to stay a short while and then get a flat but I didn't leave until I was 31 and getting married! Ridiculous but I had a lot of pressure to stay at home because I 'had it good' and I did. But I regret not being more independent and will encourage DS to spread his wings more.

Unihorn · 15/03/2018 14:25

I'm the youngest of 4 with a 10 year total age gap between us. Us two younger ones have had to move back in with parents for 9-12 months to save for a house whereas my elder siblings bought after saving whilst renting. Just goes to show the rise in rents in such a short space of time. My husband and I were renting for £700-800 a month so whilst we could save on our incomes it would take us a lot longer. My parents had spare rooms and we're happy to have us to get us on the property ladder quicker.

If I have to do the same for my daughters then I will, although I currently have savings accounts for them both given the current economic climate. There are no large inheritances due anywhere in my family so saving up month by month has been the only option.

Unihorn · 15/03/2018 14:27

I should add I had moved out for 8 years before returning to my family home to save with my husband and daughter.

IAmMatty · 15/03/2018 14:30

If my kids moved out at 30 I'd be...64 when I finally got to enjoy time just me and DH.

That is fucking NOT going to happen. I'm honestly really surprised at the amount of posters who are ok with essentially never letting go of 'parent' as their main mode of existence. To me it's a period of my life. And I don't mean I'll ever not 'parent' them, but I don't think it should be a daily task by the time I'm hitting retirement.

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 14:36

@Frazzledmum123

Yeah its similar with my friends. Although in my case, those I know who have always lived at home are in some ways a bit more "sheltered" and my baby's dad is def a bit of a "man child"! But they are also generally happier and more "together" than those I know who have been struggling through their twenties without much to show for it after 10 years. I'd rather have a babe who is happy, together, stable and secure and a tiny bit spoilt (heh) than be miserable in a job he doesn't like without any assets or savings.

Like you said, people plod along in their twenties in a job they don't particularly like, just managing to pay the rent, and its often just kicking problems further down the line. Eg, people go for career changes and back to uni in their thirties, and sometimes end up back at home.

(The types of jobs my family and friends work in is stuff that tends to need post grad degrees and/ or internships.)

In more expensive areas in the UK there are people with middle class jobs (teachers, police) who are becoming homeless. I don't agree with the ideology of home ownership in principle, but I think its important to be secure these days.

OP posts:
Cheby · 15/03/2018 14:36

Currently saving for a house deposit for my two. They are 5 and 1 so I’ve got some time. I hope they will want to move by the time they are adults, I will miss them but I want them to be independent.

Frazzledmum123 · 15/03/2018 14:39

I agree, there are times I have felt I've missed out a bit but realistically I have what I have because of that and I'm happy. I have 3 babies and definitely wouldn't have been able to have them if I'd waited any longer and tbh that's all I really wanted from life. Everyone's different though I guess

IAmMatty · 15/03/2018 14:44

Cheby honestly I think that, unless you're swimming in cash, you're insane to be saving a house deposit for a baby!

What about living your life instead? It never, ever occurred to me that it would be anyone else's responsibility but my own to sort out housing.

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 14:44

@IamMatty

I would never let "parenthood" be the main mode of my existence. Even now when my baby is tiny and needs round the clock care, I still work in something I'm passionate about and takes a lot of mental energy.

If I'm managing to not be defined by parenthood when he's still a baby, surely I would manage when he's an adult, working and taking care of himself, and simply living in a room in my house.

OP posts:
IAmMatty · 15/03/2018 14:47

Mmm forgive me but your other posts don't really read that way.

Buglife · 15/03/2018 14:47

I think I’d rather help my kids with things like a rental deposit and buying furniture, as is the initial costs of these things that are hard when you start earning. I’d be shocked if they couldn’t afford to at least rent a shared house room after graduation from Uni (if they go). I rented at Uni with my DH and then again from 23 until we were 30, we lived near London and lots of his London colleagues lived in shared houses. We all own houses now, so you can do it without just living at home. If they were still miles away from owning at 30 we’d probably give them some cash from downsizing our house to help rather than keep them at home the whole time.