I just don’t want to help anymore

[TotallyShellshocked]

Feeling terrible about writing this and would appreciate views on this please.

I have been picking up a colleague on the way to work every morning and dropping her home in the evening. She is suffering from ill health and takes strong meds.
In the morning this puts about 10 minutes on my journey time so not too bad however it makes it difficult for me if I want to get in early to catch up on stuff before work gets busy. But I can live with that. In the evening on the other hand I drop her home and then have to battle my way back through traffic in the direction I just cane from to pick up DD. It takes on average 45 mins to get to where I collect DD when drop the colleague home first and it would take only 15 mins to get from work to DD.
I originally offered to help her because the health issue was expected to be short term. Things have meantime escalated and it looks like there is no end in sight. The arrangement was only expected to last a few weeks, months maybe but it had now been well over a year... I have s lit going on in my own life at the moment and I feel so tired. It’s an awful thing to say but I just don’t want to help anymore. How do I break the news gently? Please help. Thanks

[Booboobooboo84]

Could you say I’m really sorry but collection time for dd has changed and so I’m unable to give lifts home. Or could collect dd on the way and drop your colleague after work

[PoptartPoptart]

I would suggest just being honest op. Things change and if the arrangement is no longer feasible for you then it has to change.

[GlitterGlue]

It's not unreasonable for you to stop.

If she can't access public transport because of her medical condition she could look into access to work as it can pay for taxis.

[TotallyShellshocked]

It would be difficult to collect DD first as I sometimes have to wait for DD and sometimes it’s nice to watch her do her sport and have a coffee. Much prefer that over battling traffic. Feel really evil writing this...

[ConfessionsOfTeenageDramaQueen]

I agree - you did a kind thing but this sounds quite cheeky. In this case just say that you have some things going on in your own life and you're afraid you're unable to give lifts anymore. It doesn't warrant further explanation than that and if pushed you can just say it's too difficult to discuss.

[WazFlimFlam]

I think you need to be honest with you colleage and admit you want to pick up dd first. She can then choose.

[LanguidLobster]

You're not being nasty. Would you be happy to continue morning but explain it's too difficult after work?

[TotallyShellshocked]

It’s a back problem. Public transport would be difficult. She is not mobile enough. Our employer is unlikely to pay for a taxi.

I know I will have to man up and be honest but finding it hard.

[Booboobooboo84]

Why not say ‘I’m sorry but I’m two weeks time I’m going to have to stop giving lifts. Things have changed for me personally and it’s no longer feasible.’ Gives her two weeks to make other arrangements. Your not being mean btw it was only meant to be temporary

[1310j]

You have been very kind to continue to help for so long, but an extra 45 minutes onto your working day is a big ask fot such a long time.

If you don't mind doing so, I'd probably keep up the arrangement in the morning, but be honest and say that 45 minutes sitting in traffic after work is too much when you have commitments to your DD as well.

[MrsCrabbyTree]

As this co-worker has health issues I would go with a white lie. Kindly let her down so she doesn't feel guilty about the lifts you have already provided. You are in a difficult situation but you shouldn't fear looking out for your needs. Can you say that you need to be home earlier for some vague reason?

[HolyShet]

I'd tell her you can still do the morning drop off but you are very sorry but you need to pick your DD up earlier. Her needs come first.

But I would also say that I am sure that your colleague would be horrified if she realised - as in properly took in - how much you were inconvenienced. Give her a couple of weeks notice but tell her!

[ohfortuna]

Don't say you don't want to, the truth is that you are unable to you don't have the energy to cope with her problems on top of your own issues and commitments

[Petalflowers]

You have been very kind in giving her lifts. However, it's not,your responsibility to,give her lifts for ever.

Maybe give an end date for the PM lifts (Easter?) which gives her time to sort something out. What did she do,before you gave her lifts?

Also, adding 45 minutes is quite a long drive. Does she comteibute towards petrol?

Other posters have given good reasons for,giving up, or there's the old mumsnet Classic "it isn't working for me anymore".

[GlitterGlue]

Access to work is a government scheme, the employer doesn't pay for it. www.gov.uk/access-to-work

[TotallyShellshocked]

She knows I have to collect DD and where I collect her from so she is aware that it is a longish journey. I guess I will have to tell her the truth. Sometimes on the way home we stop to pick up medication or a bit of shopping etc. Last Friday traffic was hellish, dropped her at home, picked up DD who was already waiting for me and got home at 7pm after a 5pm finish and all i had done was sit in my car. Could have cried.
Think I will offer to collect her in the morning for now and ask if she can make other arrangements to get home. Glad that the comments here are saying the i’m Not unreasonable. I just don’t like letting people down. Thanks

[Greyponcho]

Access to Work assessment is something colleague can apply for online, they’ll assess how her condition affects her daily, and then arrange funding for measures to help her keep working as appropriate, which may include taxis to and from work. Government pays for the biggest chunk, the proportion varying depending on whether you work for a large multinational or small business.
The idea is that it’s worth the governments investment to help her this way so she can keep working and paying taxes.

[Bettyfood]

I thought you were going to say it was terminal cancer. Back problem! Half the population have a bad back at one time or another. Let the cheeky cow make other arrangements after work.

[TotallyShellshocked]

Don't say you don't want to, the truth is that you are unable to you don't have the energy to cope with her problems on top of your own issues and commitments

^
Exactly that!! - thanks

[ebonyandivory]

TotallyShellShocked Do any of your other colleagues live near where she does? Maybe she could ask around? (Apologies if this has already been addressed but I am not a RTFT type of MNetter.

[Pandoraslastchance]

I think your colleague needs to apply for PiP as this would pay for taxi to/from work.

[Inertia]

I think I'd be honest and tell her that the only way you'll be able to give her a lift home is if she waits while you collect DD first, even if that takes a couple of hours.

[ebonyandivory]

BettyFood A bad back can mean anything though- from minor aches and pains to a herniated disc. "Bad back" is an umbrella term covering a huge spectrum, like "nervous breakdown", not an actual diagnosis. The bad back this lady has must be pretty severe if she cannot even catch a bus.

[Bettyfood]

Next time don't help at all when it puts you out so much. It's completely ridiculous to quadruple your journey time home. Picking up/dropping someone on the way is totally different.

[formerbabe]

It would be difficult to collect DD first as I sometimes have to wait for DD and sometimes it’s nice to watch her do her sport and have a coffee. Much prefer that over battling traffic. Feel really evil writing this

Oh op, this made me feel really sad for you.

You are not evil!

It is completely unreasonable to expect you to sit in traffic when you could be spending time with your DD and watching her do sport.

Please assert yourself!