what would you think of me if you saw me with my kids today?

[beclev24]

I worry a lot about what people think in general. I always think that people are staring at me and thinking I'm a bad mum/ I'm not keeping my kids under control etc. So be honest- what would you think of me/ us if you saw us?

I have three boys- ages 7, 4 and a baby. My two elder ones are VERY exuberant/ naughty (depending on how you see these things)- so for eg, today in the supermarket, they were laughing loudly and hysterically at each other over everything, pointing at every item in the store or picking it up and making some joke about it/ laughing very loudly. They were play wrestling in the aisles/ jumping up and down etc (not running around, but definitely not walking quietly by my side either) . No matter how many tiems I tell them to quiet down/ calm down/ not touch things etc, they seem to be uncontainable and I always seem to be pulling them off stuff etc. IT's all good natured, and they never actually damage anything but it's full on, ALL THE TIME. If you saw me in this situation, would you hate me/ judge me or feel sorry for me, or none of these?

I wouldn't have a very nice opinion of the situation tbh. If I was with my husband one of us would likely jokingly ask the other one if we "really" wanted more children.

My older sister was a hell on earth nightmare child with the energy of 5 children and my family managed to keep her under control most of the time while shopping.

Also having worked in a glorified grocery store before I know how children like that affect the shopping experience of others as well as the staff.

I will also say, I was 20 with a 3 year old and a newborn. By the time I was 30 I had 5. I was judged enough without adding bad behaviour to the list. We all get judged for something OP! Mine behaved beautifully but people would still tut and shake their heads as we walked into a room!

You may as well all get off your collective high horse, THE OP IS NO LONGER ON HERE. I wouldn't be if I was in her shoes either, but then I wouldn't post such a goady thread in the first place.

The judgements of bad parenting are one reason I find it so hard and humiliating to take my autistic kids out. You wouldnt necessarily guess the two youngest had any SEN unless I told you.
Im often being told "it doesnt matter what people think, keep your head high" and then I come on mumsnet and read a thread like this and my life becomes a bit more shit. Again

I would feel sorry for you. It’s not like you’re not trying. They’re just two boys at a trying age.

What do you mean the Op is no longer on here Lizzie? On the thread or on MN? Tbf there have been a few comments that were very harsh but I think people in the main have been honest which I expect is what the OP wanted from such a thread? Hope so anyway!

I'd be grateful they weren't mine. I might also feel sorry for you but depends on what exactly you were doing about it.

DD is a similarly "exuberant" child and can be a PITA. If she's really overstepping the line and causing annoyance to others then we go home, or she loses out on something. This approach has resulted in the most almighty tantrums on occasion, and sometimes a spoiled day for the rest of the family. It's not easy but now by age 5 she is starting to get it and mostly behaves pretty well. Just telling her to be quiet would not have been enough with a child like her who is not naturally compliant.

So, do you apply consequences OP? Or do you just tell them to calm down but then do nothing if they don't...?

(Also agree with internet shopping or shopping while they are at school if you possibly can!)

I would judge a bit because supermarkets can be dangerous places when you’re small (or even not so small) - heavy cans and glass bottles, shelves that can tip over, people wheeling heavy trollies and carrying metal baskets, slippy floors, freezer cabinets you can catch fingers in. Therefore it’s unsafe to have children out of control.

I used to work at Co-op and one day a man was in with a very boisterous 5/6? year old who I could track around the aisles by the squealing. He then ran at full pelt straight into the corner of a basket being held by a (stationery) lady looking at the shelves. When you hold those wire baskets on your elbow, it’s at face height for a child. He had a horrible cut to his eyebrow but he was lucky he didn’t hit his eye.

I'd think "that is why I on line shop and haven't taken my kids together to a supermarket for a weekly shop in about five years". It got to the point where I dreaded it. I couldn't take my eyes off them for five seconds without them fighting, it was very bad for my mental health having those couple of hours of massive stress once or twice a week.

Amen Branleuse.

Best to remind yourself that most of the people on MN are full of shite anyway. :o

My youngest two are like this, they are 6 & 4, the 6-year old has SEN. It's very difficult and I don't like taking them all out to places like shops on my own (There is also a 9-year old, but he's somewhat calmer). So I do my supermarket shopping when I'm on my own or with just 1 & I have strategies in place for other situations e.g. when watching swimming lessons they have a bag of books & colouring which keeps them quiet.

I wouldn't judge you, but I might wonder why you didn't have something in place to help you cope.

thanks @Weebo xx

Oh so true Branleuse.

However I honestly don't care anymore. I don't make eye contact with anyone anymore. Just concentrate on whichever of my two autistic children are struggling. It's easy to shut out all the disapproving faces and tuts if you just don't look at them. It's a shame though because then you don't see the few that are understanding and sympathising so you lose that connection. I was at Tate Modern once when my child totally lost it right in the middle of the entrance hall, was attacking me and screaming her lungs out. A lovely woman "Kim" who was there with her own family I think, came to help and helped me get her outside and then stood like a guard asking people politely just to keep moving on when they came to have a good nose at us and pass commentI was so stressed I never got any more details from her so "Kim" if you're on here, I still remember you and how brilliant you were to us.

I would avoid you. I would also wonder why you weren't doing more than just telling them as they obviously don't listen to you. I would stop them and seperate them, so one on one side of me and one on the other and if you couldn't manage to do that I would think you couldn't cope/had no control.

I regularly left shopping half done in a trolley and left as I was absolutely unable to control DS sometimes and was well aware of how it was affecting others. I also left restaurants early and many many other social events when we visited friends/played in the park etc.

Even doing that my parenting was judged. People would say I over reacted because I always without fail gave one warning if DS did something very unacceptable and if it happend again I would leave wherever we were . Usually carrying an absolutely distraught screaming child who didn't want to leave. This went on for years rather than months - it was exhausting and upsetting for me, for DS and often for the people we were out with.

DS actually did in the end learn to behave better (at home anyway, school was a different matter) and we stopped having to leave places due to his behaviour but it took years. So by the time he was about 5 old he responded better to me setting expectations and at tolerating boredom. He didn't manage to deal with shopping well though, particualrly supermarkets until he was around 10-11 years old, hence why we just avoided it

I do sometimes think that if I had had more children I'd have been a brialliant parent to them as I learnt so much from DS but DS would definitely have suffered as I just would not have had the time and energy to have been so consistent with him, especially as leaving places would have affected other children

Anyway a bit of digression but my point is parenting quite hard work generally but it is a work in progress for most people. While DS was at his worst it seemd like I was a bad parent and I know I certainly felt like that sometimes. But taking the long view and looking back I can see I did a pretty great job overall. It just took A LOT longer for DS to learn about some of this stuff than I (or others) expected.

I haven't RTFT but I sympathise. I was in Sainsbury's yesterday with my two boys, also aged 4 and 7, and they were wrestling and fell over at the feet of a Sainsbury's worker who was presumably doing her own shopping at the end of her shift. She said "Stop it, boys!" And then immediately apologised to me. I was mortified and was telling them off at the same time as apologising to her. I thought it was pretty bad that she felt she had to apologise to me for telling my kids off - I would certainly expect someone to tell them off if they have inconvenienced them. Takes a village and all that, and I want my children to know that it's not just me constantly moaning at them, their actions do have an impact on others.

Hope you have a better day today!

I’d think. Poor you and thank God mine are grown up!

Oh and I do normally try to shop when I only have the four year old (not in school yet), as one child in a supermarket is about ten times easier than two, but my 7 year old is doing bag packing in Sainsbury's with Beavers to raise money in a few days time, so I thought I'd better give him some tuition and practice at bag packing first! Roll on September when they will both be at school and I will be working four days a week so I will be able to shop ALL ON MY OWN on my day off, for the first time in eight years!

That I should be doing more to make them behave? If so, what??

I would think you should be doing more.

I think you need better consequences. What happens to them if they behave like that? I would start with very clearly outlining what I expected from their behavior in the shop. This would be done in the car. I'd also clearly outline consequences. The worst would be "if you cannot behave we will leave". In our house this means that the rest of the child's day will be horrid - not computer, no TV, no happy mummy time, no treats or snacks. We've only ever had to leave somewhere once or twice and these days I don't even have to threaten.

Otherwise they'd likely lose screentime or treats or something else they value. That does mean that you need to have lots of positive things planned that they are aware of that they can risk losing by poor behavior. So I'd start the day with a plan to go shopping then go to the park or do swimming or something.. Let them know the plan. Arrive at shopping and discuss in the car that no wrestling, no messing with stuff on the shelves etc. is required. 1 warning and then miss out on swimming and if that doesn't help you leave and their day is a disaster.
If the behavior of 1 child means all children miss out on swimming that is tough luck - next time they'll remember and maybe peer pressure will get you better behavior.

I don't expect kids to be seen and not heard but I do expect that they don't embarass me or spoil other peoples days out.

Think I’d be most concerned about them knocking over an elderly person.
They need to learn to walk nicely and either hold your hand or trolley.
At school they have to walk nicely to places with a partner etc so it shouldn’t be too much to ask doing it with their mum.

Noise isn’t that bad if it’s not too loud but running all over the place is a bit annoying. If was a smaller shop instead of supermarket, people wouldn’t be so tolerant and they could do more damage.

I meant that she's probably hidden the thread so we're all wasting our energies engaging now, @GreatDuckCookery I'm definitely not saying that anyone has been unduly harsh, she did ask.

“Wow, so many perfect parents here. Who knew?”

Holy shite, am I really? 😇. I had no idea that to be a perfect parent, all I had to do was not allow my kids to treat a supermarket aisle like a soft play centre. Who knew it was that easy!

I'd feel sad for you and sad for your kids. I wouldn't make a 'judgement' as such as I know there could be a chance that either you or the boys had SEN issues. If there was a way of knowing that neither you or the boys had SEN issues then I would wonder if you were a lazy or incompetent parent.

If there are no SEN issues then there is no reason for kids to be continually misbehaving. Nearly all kids misbehave some of the time so if I see kids misbehaving I don't assume they are always like that. Everyone has a bad day from time to time.

Its hardly perfect parenting to not let your children behave like animals in a supermarket

It's not even hard

I get you Lizzie