AIBU About Constant Requests To Babysit?

[zukiecat]

I'll try and keep this short and not let it turn into a rant, but please bear with me!

Since the start of the year a colleague has asked me constantly to babysit her four DC, some of which has been for nights out and some so her DH can work overtime (voluntary)

Looking back on my diary I have done more than 50 hours of babysitting since the middle of January, I have health issues and it's really starting to take its toll on me, I have Pernicious Anaemia (amongst other conditions) and sometimes coping with my part time job is more than enough for me, I don't ask for or receive any sort of payment for this babysitting, last week I got a bit pissed of because I looked after the DC for the whole day, then had to go straight to work for an evening shift, it was pouring rain when I left but I didn't get offered a lift to work, I should say I never ever ask for or expect any lifts from anyone to anywhere, but seeing as though I had looked after her DC from 9am to 5pm and it would have taken her DH five minutes to run me down the road, I have Sciatica and Arthritis which are made worse by cold damp weather.

Colleague also asked our boss not to put me on the rota on certain evenings because, and I quote "I need her to babysit"

My own DC are adults, one DD has left home and the younger one also has health issues and she's had nine hospital admissions since June 2017, she was also diagnosed this weekend with a blood clot on her lung which is very worrying, so I need to be around to look after her too.

I had a bad dose of flu in January, but colleague's DH wouldn't stop phoning and texting me to ask if I would be able to babysit that week so that they could have a night out. I also had quite severe laryngitis three weeks ago, and this, combined with my other health conditions really took it out of me, but I still got endless texts asking me to babysit for another night out.

I'm just feeling exhausted and to be honest, just used. I'm not the best at saying No to people and some do take advantage of that, but do you think I would be justified to refuse to do any more babysitting and not give a reason?

Sorry, this was longer than I intended it to be, but thanks for reading!

What ssd said. Please tell your boss, too. She'll continue to pressure you because she's a bully on top of being a user. 'I'll lose my job!' 'It's your job to sort out childcare for your kids.' 'Just this once, you gave me no notice!' 'No. And I don't have to give you notice. I am not your childminder.' Or just this, 'This isn't up for discussion. I told you that. NO MORE BABYSITTING!' And block, block, block.

I totally agree expat, role play these with a friend or your partner, so you will not wobble and will feel confident in being assertive to her. Remember this when you have doubts about it, and wether yiu are being unkind. This CF does not care for you or your sick daughter, all she cares about is her, me, me, me. She would never do the same favours to you, and woukd be quick to suggest you get a CM or she needs to be paid first.

Please, Please, Please day no to these people they sound utterly selfish and fowl human beings!!! Hope you feel better soon xxx

I've rheumatoid arthritis and work a few days a week. The rest of the week I look after my child and I'm shattered! I always let people down by saying I'm struggling to cope with my flare ups and have to look after myself. You only have so much energy. That's a complete piss take, please don't feel guilty for putting yourself and family first.

Awh Zukiecat, what an awful situation to be in. It's very hard to stand up to a relentlessly selfish person who you have to see every day and who is a (slightly) senior at work.
She is totally abusing her position in that respect, it is harder to say no to a supervisor. Particularly arranging your shifts with the manager to suit her childminding issues is outrageous. I think you should speak to someone at the main HR about this so that they are aware of the situation in case this CF continues to pester you. She is completely out of order in an employment situation.
You may meet with resistance and in the end you might need to say Because I just don't want to without any apology. if you give too many reasons etc.. that just gives her ammo to pick apart your argument. Don't let her push you for medical details either. You do not have to justify yourself to her. Think up some polite but firm ways to stop her going on about it like; "why not get a regular babysitter like everyone else does."

Remember that you are a good kind person and she doesn't understand the nature of doing a good turn or a favour and has totally abused the privilage and that however bad she makes you feel because you are no longer prepared to do her bidding, you are in the right.
You need your time off to maintain your own health so that you can keep working and be there for your DD. You are not CF's relative or slave. Wishing you and your lovely daughter all the very best!

Omg cf.... I never ask even family to babysit ...

I can't add to what anyone has said about the babysitting but I'm so pleased your daughter is ok

You sound lovely and very generous to have given as much of your time as you have.

I couldn't imagine taking advantage of your generosity more than once or twice a year. Anymore is taking he pi$$.

You have a job and health issues and need to look after yourself first. Please think of excuses next time you are asked.

@zukiecat - I live in the same city as you...

PM me the shop and her shifts and i’ll go round and (very britishly) strongly glare at her.

That’ll show her.

Hahaha Bath.

Say you can babysit but you think it's only fair that she pays you for the hours you've done first. 50 x £7.50 is £375... point out that it's probably not fair on either of you for you to continue until the backlog has been paid off. If it were me, I'd spend a few minutes creating an invoice using a template listing all the dates and hours. After midnight is usually double.

I’m like you OP, very bad at saying no.

If just saying no seems more blunt than you feel you can be just word it like

“I’m really sorry (blank), but I no longer have the time to babysit as I now have to look after DD.”

You could add in that your not feeling as fit either. I would also be tempted to say “don’t worry i’ll Get my invoice totted up for you ASAP”

Sorry but I don't understand...its obvious all you have to say is NO. End of. No discussion. Your colleague is a cheeky bastard.

To say “sorry I can’t do this anymore because...” and give a reason is unassertive and she will attempt to argue with it. A simple “no” or “it doesn’t work for me” with no explanation offered is assertive and harder to argue with.

If she hassles you at work you can lodge a grievance with your HR or head office as she is abusing power and it is unprofessional behaviour. Normally you would raise a grievance with her boss but given likelihood of lack of support could miss that step out for that reason. You can warn her this will happen if she keeps on at you which should hopefully stop her and you won’t actually have to do it.

You also need to be assertive with your boss. It is not ok for them to discuss your working arrangements with anyone other than you and possibly their own Line Manager or HR. It is a breach of confidentiality. Your boss has a duty of care towards you and is failing in that duty if they permit and assist her to bully or harass you.

Keep calm, pitch voice steady and low and repeat what you need to say slowly and calmly. Good luck - please let us know how you get on.

YANBU- they are taking the mick. 50hrs since January and they have not offered money or a present and you have been unwell. This is ridiculous. You are not the DCs' granny. Just say NO - don't give a reason.

I actually cannot believe she knew your DD was ill and still asked you to babysit and did not ask after DD.

I recently went on an assertiveness course and we did a whole session about saying no. These are my notes from the day, I hope they help xx

Your notes were really helpful, Gingham. It's useful to be able to articulate preconceptions vs benefits like this. We spend so much of our time worried by things that will probably never happen; doing stuff we don't really want for people whose good opinion we don't value particularly highly. Someone wise once advised me to note down key words and phrases before a difficult meeting or phone call. I still do it sometimes and simple phrases like 'no, that's not possible.' have proven invaluable over the years.

I'm sorry these people aren't you're friends at all! They have just been taking the piss 😡.
It sounds like your health and the health of your daughter is not great. You have to tell this awful woman and her pushy husband to back off! She has definitely crossed the line telling your boss what shifts you are available for to suit her!!!
I hope you feel strong enough to tell her to sod off, as soon as possible ⚘

“I’m sorry I can’t, I’m just not up to it anymore.”

Thanks everyone, you have all told me only what I have been thinking myself

I appreciate all your support, and knowing you're all behind me gives me the strength to stand up for myself and say no!

They haven't asked me this week, well not yet anyway, but I'm waiting for it

@zukiecat how is your DD ? (((((hugs))))

bath

Great resolution OP, I really hope they don’t give you shit about it. Just remember how completely in the right you are and how much they have been utterly using you while not giving a single shiny shit about you.

I’m glad you have got something from the outpouring of support and sympathy on this thread.
However, if you keep saying yes of course they’ll keep asking. Cause and effect...it’s a thing. At what point do you begin to take responsibility for your own actions and choices?

TheMadHugger

She's ok thanks, she has ongoing men