To tell mother of French exchange that she was stealing?

[TuttiFrutti]

We have just hosted two French 10 year old girls in an exchange for a week (felt like a month). I'll call them Girl A and Girl B. I had built up an email contact with Girl A's mother in the weeks before the visit, but knew nothing about Girl B because it was a last minute substitution.

They were obsessed with fidget spinners and my DD bought them some with her own pocket money as a present.

On the night before their departure, they were packing and DD and her English friend walked past their open bedroom door and noticed one of DD's fidget spinners on top of Girl A's closed suitcase. They thought this was a bit odd so they opened Girl B's suitcase and discovered another of DD's fidget spinners in the suitcase, hidden under some clothes. They took it out, didn't tell the girls but came and told me. I decided not to confront them (regretting this now) because it was their last night and we had got the fidget spinner back anyway.

On the morning of their departure they were all playing with a pot of slime which my DD had bought 2 days before. I drove them into school and the two French girls were whispering together in the back of the car. When I got home guess what? The pot of slime had disappeared.

My DD and I feel quite shocked and let down that we made a huge effort to make them feel welcome and they have betrayed our trust like this.

I have told the school and they are going to tell the French school on Monday.

Do I tell the mother of Girl A? She has just What's Apped me an effusive thank you - do I reply at all?

My DD has the option to go back to France in the summer. Amazingly, she still wants to. When the family find out I have reported them for theft they may feel a bit differently of course. Or is the situation salveagable??? WWYD?

It’s like the daily mail comments section on here.
thieves!
Stealing!
Safeguarding gone mad

For the sake of a pot of slime and a fidget spinner, I'd leave it.

This is going to be my new catchphrase. Not sure why it's tickled me so much!

willow read the rest of my post. The op didn't even get the girls side of this. I am fully bilingual and knowing a lot of English and French people socially there have been many many times things have been misinterpreted.

I suggest this is the reason here. But op decides it must be theft.

And I stick by what I said that the ops dd deciding herself to go through someone's else's stuff just smacks of a spoiled brat type of kid. I have also encountered many a child like this, unfortunately mostly English and sole children. Generalising but this is my experience. But they see themselves as superior to anyone else. The op doesn't seem to think their dd going through someone's belongings is wrong.

The fact the op thought the week was 'more like a month' suggests there were many issues other than this. I would imagine issues between spoiled precious dd and the other 2 girls.

3 objects and 3 girls doesn't get "misinterpreted" in french unless you're accusing all french people of being thieves and/or greedy

OP you can safely disregard anyone who ever refers to a girl as a "little madam" in any circumstance at all and you can 90% of the time safely disregard anyone who determines that a girl is spoilt from one action (rising to 99% for "spoilt brat")

I understand you're upset that they abused your hospitality but they are also only 10. They will probably remember this with shame when they're older. I don't know if it's worth telling A's mom but I don't know if I'd want my kid staying with them after this either.

The op didn't even get the girls side of this.

Whats to geet?
One of them hid the dd's toy in her case. It wasnt a misteak, nobody hides something that doesnt belong to them by 'misteak'.

Funny how its ok for one 10yr old to steak anothers possessions but its a spoilt brat who looks for and takes back said possession!

10 yr olds wouldnt think it was a big deal to check in a case for something they believed was stolen by the person who owned the case, damm sure I wouldnt either.

Quite amazed at how many people are more appalled at the looking in someone's bag than the stealing. After all, we're talking about a 10 year old's bag containing clothes and a toothbrush here, it is hardly state secrets is it?

Also amused that anyone believes a 10 year old packed so carefully that they would notice someone had rummaged. My 10 year old went on a residential and came back with a bag full of crumpled chaos. According to the Facebook exchanges afterwards most kids either lost something or brought back something that wasn't theirs.

If DD is sure she wants to go back I’m not sure it’s worth risking the relationship over. They’re only young - if they do it in other situations it’ll catch up with them and they’ll learn their lesson.

@bonbonours
People aren’t more appalled
People are generally appalled at both
But I’m personally more appalled that the op thinks it’s morally ok that her dd went rifeling with no evidence
Regardless of what was found

Bonbon, I was also quite tickled about a 10 year old being able to spot someone had gone through their things. I don't believe my dcs ever came back from a residential with any folded clothes, worn or not worn.I'd be lucky if they came back with the things they went away with.

Massive projection from some posters of adult sensitivities onto 10 year olds.

Were the French girls wrong to take items that weren't theirs? Of course, if that is what happened

Was the OPs DD wrong to rifle through the other girls' cases? Definitely.

Both sets of children behaved badly but only one is being branded a thief by the OP and she has no proof of anything except that her DD went through the other child's things because she has confessed to it.

You can't use hindsight as justification for a "fruitful" search. The OPs DD searched the case and while doing so she has reported that she found one of her spinners so used that to justify her search and legitimise the fact she went through the case without permission.

The problem is that now, because she didnt tell you what she did until after the fact, nobody can verify her story. She could be telling the truth but she could also be lying to make herself look better/get the French girls into trouble but no one can be 100% sure. If she had told the OP before she searched, the OP could have taken the issue to the coordinator who could have advised on the official policy going forward (though it should have been made clear to all host families from the outset) or at the very least been the one to physically touch the girl's stuff as the responsible adult rather than the DD.

If she hadn't found anything then she would have zero justification for going through the French child's case and the child could complain to her teacher/parents that your DD went through her stuff and I am sure they would take it very seriously.

There are lots of reasons that the fidget spinner could have ended up in the French child's case - it could have been there intentionally because the child stole it; it could have been there intentionally because the child had misunderstood, thought it was a gift and packed it; it could have been there accidentally because the child didn't notice it was in her things; it could have been there accidentally because Child A thought it was B's fidget spinner and had added it to her case as they were packing etc - but the OP seems determined to brand this child a thief with zero proof beyond her DDs word, which is being taken as gospel truth.

bonbon Quite amazed at how many people are more appalled at the looking in someone's bag than the stealing. After all, we're talking about a 10 year old's bag containing clothes and a toothbrush here, it is hardly state secrets is it?

Children are entitled to privacy as well as adults especially when staying in a strange person's house abroad at such a young age. Rifling through the suitcase was wrong and stealing was also wrong. The value of the good is irrelevant.

The OP asked whether to tell child A's mum and I would say no. You only know for sure that child B stole so it will only cause trouble to accuse child A of colluding. I would also suggest you make it clear to your DD that she shouldn't be going through other people's belongings either.

It's a horrible feeling to have guests in your house (who I cooked for! for a week!) stealing from you

Your attitude is weird. Of course you cooked for them (!), for a week (!). That’s what you took on when you agreed to have two children stay in your house.

At the end of the day, all you know for a fact is that your daughter unzipped the luggage of another child (a guest in her home) and searched it. There is no excuse for that whatsoever, and no, the end does not justify the means.

The rest of it is conjecture. The other girls may have stole the fidget spinner or the slime. Or both. Or they may have misunderstood. Or got it tangled up in their clothing. Or girl A thought the green spinner belonged to Girl B and threw it in her bag, forgetting that the ‘gift’ spinners were both blue. It is not remotely the same as opening her case and finding a piece of jewellery or the family silver, which could only possibly be deliberately stolen. 🙄

I think you should focus on your own daughter’s sneaky and appallingly rude behaviour.

Odd responses here, I think children of this age often experiment with stealing and being caught out and suffering the consequences seems to be the only cure.

I am a bit shocked that so many people are defending the thieves.

I am a bit shocked that so many people are defending the thieves.

We don’t know that they are ‘thieves’.

I am a bit shocked that they are being labelled thieves without being given any chance to explain themselves. Would you treat an adult like that?

Hang on a second, so these girls can go through the dd’s room without permission to steal her things but everyone’s mad at the dd for going through a suitcase to get HER stuff back?

No way would I tell my child off for that. It’s not rude or disrespectful, those are words better reserved for the behaviour of the exchange students who had been hosted for a week and had money spent on them by a kind hearted child.

I don’t think you should message the parent. I think you did the right thing by telling the school. Stealing is stealing and at 10yrs old, they knew what they did was stealing.

Hang on a second, so these girls can go through the dd’s room without permission to steal her things but everyone’s mad at the dd for going through a suitcase to get HER stuff back?

There is no proof at all that they did that.

Sounds like a miscommunication due to the language barrier. Does it really matter? Live and let live. Maybe the girls misunderstood what was being given to them due to to problem with the communication. I can't really see why you would make a problem of it.

You know what, I would tell her mum, but in an "oh I think there must have been some misunderstanding" way.

I say this because my parents used to host foreign students over the summer holidays, mostly teens, and, while none of them stole from us, several did shoplift. One told my brother that it was a bit of a "thing" to shoplift from a London store. This didn't really come to light with my parents until one, a Turkish guy, decided to try and steal some stuff from Next - one of the first shops to have electronic tags. Of course he got caught, and my Mum had to drive up to Marylebone Police station to collect him. My parents then called his (very wealthy) parents in Turkey and his UK stay was cut short.

Not saying anything at this stage just, in my opinion, makes them think they can get away with this sort of thing and progress to the next level - warning the mother at this low-level stage means she might just read her DD the riot act and prevent future thieving.

I don't get the fidget spinners bit- you said DD used her own pocket money to buy them as presents for the French exchange pupils?

So I don't get the issue with why they were taking them back with them!

Sorry if I've missed a crucial part of the story!

OP needs a grip. Gosh imagine having actual problems to contend with in life. Storm in the proverbial.

It's hardly shop lifting or a big crime . For a fidget spinner and pot of slime I'd just leave it ! It's no big deal at all

The title is very misleading. I thought you were gunna say they had been shoplifting . Award for most kids leading title and petty post goes to you op

Miss leading not kids

turquiose
The crucial part of the story is:

The spinner hidden in the suitcase was not the one dd had bought it was one of her own spinners as was the one on top of the other case.

I must admit I did think it’s odd your daughter felt comfortable going through the girls case. That said - it does seem she stole from you. This would be a huge red flag for me - I wouldn’t feel comfortable letting my 10 year old stay with this little girl. Just because I couldn’t trust if my daughter got home sick this little girl would be nice to her and help her through it. If she didn’t care enough about your daughters feelings to not steal the fidget spinner - why would she care if your daughter is unhappy when she stays.