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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell mother of French exchange that she was stealing?

180 replies

TuttiFrutti · 10/03/2018 14:43

We have just hosted two French 10 year old girls in an exchange for a week (felt like a month). I'll call them Girl A and Girl B. I had built up an email contact with Girl A's mother in the weeks before the visit, but knew nothing about Girl B because it was a last minute substitution.

They were obsessed with fidget spinners and my DD bought them some with her own pocket money as a present.

On the night before their departure, they were packing and DD and her English friend walked past their open bedroom door and noticed one of DD's fidget spinners on top of Girl A's closed suitcase. They thought this was a bit odd so they opened Girl B's suitcase and discovered another of DD's fidget spinners in the suitcase, hidden under some clothes. They took it out, didn't tell the girls but came and told me. I decided not to confront them (regretting this now) because it was their last night and we had got the fidget spinner back anyway.

On the morning of their departure they were all playing with a pot of slime which my DD had bought 2 days before. I drove them into school and the two French girls were whispering together in the back of the car. When I got home guess what? The pot of slime had disappeared.

My DD and I feel quite shocked and let down that we made a huge effort to make them feel welcome and they have betrayed our trust like this.

I have told the school and they are going to tell the French school on Monday.

Do I tell the mother of Girl A? She has just What's Apped me an effusive thank you - do I reply at all?

My DD has the option to go back to France in the summer. Amazingly, she still wants to. When the family find out I have reported them for theft they may feel a bit differently of course. Or is the situation salveagable??? WWYD?

OP posts:
PerfumeIsAMessage · 10/03/2018 17:04

Was there any two's friendly, threes a crowd thing going on between them and your daughter?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 10/03/2018 17:06

Eltonjohn: did you miss the bit where OP’s DD’s fidget spinner was actually found in girl B’s suitcase? or do you think OP’s DD would lie about that for some reason.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 10/03/2018 17:07

Well that’s up to the OP to convince the tour operator that a bag search is necessary. It’s not up to her to unilaterally start searching small children’s belongings.

And the bag search wasn’t done in a fair way. If it had been done by adults in an appropriate way then there would have been absolutely no question that child B had put it in there.

The way it was done, all OP has is the word of her DD that the fidget spinner was even in the bag. And that’s the word of a 10 year old who had also done something naughty which she needed to justify.

upsideup · 10/03/2018 17:09

dd1 went on a sleepover last night and came back with another girls sock, a hair clip and one of those elastic bracelet things. She didnt steal any of them and we will return them all, but when you have multiple kids staying in the same room putting all there things all over the floor its possible that when stuff everything back in their bag that they might pick up something small of someone elses by mistake.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 10/03/2018 17:09

But if she felt it was naughty and needed justifying she wouldn’t have told her mother in the first place!!

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 10/03/2018 17:14

“Today 16:58 IHaveBrilloHair

I just think the whole thing happened because they are too young.
10yr olds who don't have English as a first language, with highly desirable, but cheap stuff, they don't make the best decisions.
I wouldn't let you're Dd go on the return visit, not because I think the girls ore family are awful, they are just, as I've said, too young.”

I totally agree with this, and imagine how the child will feel to be accused unfairly when they’ve been alone in a strange country with strangers who were supposed to provide a family atmosphere. Tbh even if she did it, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. Things happen

Huntinginthedark · 10/03/2018 17:17

I would also be very interested to know if you told the school that your dd went through someone’s property without their permission

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 10/03/2018 17:20

Why would that be interesting? What are the school going to do?

Eltonjohnssyrup · 10/03/2018 17:21

Yes. I do think it’s possible a 10 year old would lie. Out of spite, out of guilt. Which is the whole reason why this is so unfair on the other two girls.

A group of ten year olds have not got on. And it seems quite possible that there has been misbehaviour on all sides.

Yet the OP is basing all her assumptions on her DD (who we know rifles through other people’s bags without permission) being a completely reliable witness who is beyond reproach.

So we have to assume that one ten year old wouldn’t tell fibs at the same time assuming that two other ten year olds must be stealing and there is no other explanation.

It’s a really unfair biased way of looking at it.

You might notice that I said it was ‘possible’ her DD lied. That’s the big difference. It’s also possible these girls stole the fidget spinner and slime. But the OP is not saying it’s possible. She’s saying they did. And she doesn’t actually know that for sure any more than I could say that her daughter was lying for sure.

I don’t see why it’s any less reasonable to think there is a possibility that her daughter lied than there is to assume that the other girls stole.

All I’m saying, is that in that situation claiming that two ten year olds are definitely thieves based on the ‘he said, she said’ of squabbling 10 year olds is not fair.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 10/03/2018 17:27

Not necessarily. If a 10 year old has rifled through a suitcase and when they’ve finished can’t get it shut again, or remember where the things they took out came from, they’re going to start panicking that the bag rifling is going to be noticed. In that situation they might well come clean to their parent but claim it was justified because they found something. To be honest, I wouldn’t put it beyond some ten year olds to make the whole thing up out of spite. Children can be very nasty.

There are literally hundreds of possibilities of what could have happened here. Yet we’re supposed to blindly accept that only one possible thing could have happened. It’s just silly.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 10/03/2018 17:30

Upside, exactly. There are just so many possible explanations of things that could have happened here, just to jump to the conclusion these two little girls MUST be thieves is just horrible.

Branleuse · 10/03/2018 17:32

I would not mention it. Its just a couple of kids things that are harder to get hold of in france. Theyre only little and its not like youll be having them again

HiggeldyPigsinblankets · 10/03/2018 17:39

I would also be very interested to know if you told the school that your dd went through someone’s property without their permission

so would I! I very much doubt it, I imagine they would take a pretty dim view of searching a childs property without justification, the fidget spinner was on top of the case, not hidden, there was no reason at all for your daughter to search through the childs case, that is nasty and sneaky behaviour, she had no reason to suspect her of theft, and how do you know she found the 2nd spinner in the case? you only have her word, do you all speak fluent french? it could very easily be a misunderstanding.

If she had deliberately taken the other one knowing that it was not hers to take, then yes it is wrong, theft is wrong, but we don't know she did that, she was not asked or given the opportunity to explain or defend herself so you have played judge and jury, reporting her to the school as fact. I really would not want my child staying with you. sadly I expect the french school will have taken these accusations quite seriously, they are in my experience stricter than English schools.

IHaveBrilloHair · 10/03/2018 17:41

The exchange really doesn't sound great, and the way you hosted it, you state your Dd and her friend were walking past the room of the two French girls.
Us and them.
The whole thing sounds awful to me.
I'd have not let my DD go on it at 10, never in a million years.

freelancedolly · 10/03/2018 17:41

It sounds unlikely that a fidget spinner was left on top of the case but including it in the story gives a justification for going through the rest of the luggage.

But - ultimately - it's a tiny toy and a pot of slime and I cannot believe you're bothered. If anything I would bring it up in a kind of "DD can't find her slime and fidget spinner and wondered if they'd turned up at all in one of the girls' luggage?".

LeighaJ · 10/03/2018 17:53

10 years old is old enough to know better than to take things that don't belong to you no matter what their value is. Stealing in the first place is the issue not how much the items were worth.

Maybe the OP's daughter shouldn't have gone through the girls suitcases but she had reasonable suspicion to do so, so I don't know why so many are getting bent out of shape over that detail.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 10/03/2018 17:55

Er. They were stealing. Whether it's a fidget spinner or a lot of slime or chocolate from the fridge. That's pretty bad behaviour, even from a 10 year old. I doubt OP's DD was aware of the rules about going through exchange student's belongings Hmm

Prometheus · 10/03/2018 17:56

I can’t believe that people are angry at the DD for looking in a suitcase to retrieve her belongings!!! Since when did morals become so messed up? This whole inalienable right to privacy that children now have is crazy! The girl is a thief and there is nothing wrong with a girl of the same age looking in a case to retrieve her belongings!

VivaKondo · 10/03/2018 17:58

I don’t think you can say anything at all.
In particular you can’t accuse A to have stolen something when you don’t know if it’s her or B.
Why not also contacting B mum, esp as you had found the spinners in B case (so you KNOW she was ready to steal those!!)?

As for whispering together, I imagine they did that in French. How do you know they were actually talking about the pot of slime? How do you know for sure that A was involved and knew? Being friends and being from the same school/country doesn’t mean that they are close enough to be thief together iyswim.
You have no proof at all.
From your description, B might well be the culprit. If I was guessing (as you are doing), I would say B was the thief. And I would be contacting B’s mum. At least you would have something that you knew for sure...

Be careful of turning a gossip and a guess into a real thing.

WeAllHaveWings · 10/03/2018 17:59

If I had found the spinner and/or saw it happen I would tell their mum, but in a its not a problem, just letting you know so you can have a chat with her and so she knows kind of way.

But the added complication of the drama of your dd and her friend innocently walking past their open door, suspecting something was afoot, secretly rifling through guests bags and then reporting to mum as the betrayed heroines of the hour adds an element of doubt to it all and sounds more like a Famous Five story. You don't know 100% what the truth is as you've only heard one side of the story. You missed your opportunity to speak to the girls to hear theirs, so I'd let it lie.

DNAwrangler · 10/03/2018 18:15

If the spinner was on top of child A's case, why was your DD searching child B's? Did she also search child A's and find nothing? Let's hope child A doesn't notice.

Willow2017 · 10/03/2018 18:21

Only on mn when someone steals from you..

  1. Its your fault for being mean to them without a bit of evidence.
  2. You are beyond despicable for searching for your own property and taking it back. If dd hadnt suspected anything she would never have found her toy. Unlike the other girl she wasn't planning on taking anything that didnt belong to her so really no big deal.
  3. Its 'just a misunderstanding' because obviously french girls cant tell the difference between colours never mind what is and isnt theirs to take.
  4. Being 'only' 10 is an excuse for stealing from somone who has looked after you for a week.

Ffs it is a big deal when you host people, buy them gifts and they steal from you when you are 10. What does Girl B have to explain? Ops dd's toy was hidden in her case you dont need miss marple to figure out why and after the trip to airport the slime was missing. If they can steal one thing its not a stretch to another thing.

No need to make a big fuss, just tell the school. But it is disapointing for op and her dd.

Original poster
TuttiFrutti · 10/03/2018 18:38

Prometheus and StepAway - well, exactly. That is my take on it too. It's a horrible feeling to have guests in your house (who I cooked for! for a week!) stealing from you, it feels like a kick in the teeth. But obviously there are lots of different opinions on here.

OP posts:
llangennith · 10/03/2018 18:41

OP let it go. They’re 10yo girls away from home. Forgive them ffs.

HiggeldyPigsinblankets · 10/03/2018 18:42

I can’t believe that people are angry at the DD for looking in a suitcase to retrieve her belongings!!!

umm because the sneaky little madame had NO WAY of knowing if anything of hers was in there, the other fidget spinner was on top of the case in plain view, not hidden, she had no reason at all to search the case, and you are believing a 10 year old girl who searched through someones property with no reason, a really shitty sneaky thing to do, the op is accepting that as an ok thing to do it really isnt, what next searching an adult visitors handbag.

you do not know for certain the fidget spinner was in the case, and you absolutely do not know the slime was taken by them, basing that accusation on the fact they were whispering in French