To tell mother of French exchange that she was stealing?

[TuttiFrutti]

We have just hosted two French 10 year old girls in an exchange for a week (felt like a month). I'll call them Girl A and Girl B. I had built up an email contact with Girl A's mother in the weeks before the visit, but knew nothing about Girl B because it was a last minute substitution.

They were obsessed with fidget spinners and my DD bought them some with her own pocket money as a present.

On the night before their departure, they were packing and DD and her English friend walked past their open bedroom door and noticed one of DD's fidget spinners on top of Girl A's closed suitcase. They thought this was a bit odd so they opened Girl B's suitcase and discovered another of DD's fidget spinners in the suitcase, hidden under some clothes. They took it out, didn't tell the girls but came and told me. I decided not to confront them (regretting this now) because it was their last night and we had got the fidget spinner back anyway.

On the morning of their departure they were all playing with a pot of slime which my DD had bought 2 days before. I drove them into school and the two French girls were whispering together in the back of the car. When I got home guess what? The pot of slime had disappeared.

My DD and I feel quite shocked and let down that we made a huge effort to make them feel welcome and they have betrayed our trust like this.

I have told the school and they are going to tell the French school on Monday.

Do I tell the mother of Girl A? She has just What's Apped me an effusive thank you - do I reply at all?

My DD has the option to go back to France in the summer. Amazingly, she still wants to. When the family find out I have reported them for theft they may feel a bit differently of course. Or is the situation salveagable??? WWYD?

And your daughter is clearly not mature enough to be going away alone if she thinks that justification for going through other people’s bag is acceptable. You need to cancel the return trip.

Host families are not allowed to go through their guests' belongings under any circumstance. Was that not made clear to you at the meeting(s) prior to the exchange taking place?

I suppose you would be in the clear (sort of) because it was actually your own child going through the other child's belongings, but still...

It is the biggest no-no in the school travel business. Even their accompanying teacher isn't allowed to do it. The accompanying teacher could request that the child do it, but the child has the right to say no.

We were called to a host family last year for the same reason. A boy accused another one of stealing. I, as deputy head, my HT, and the foreign students' teacher all went over and she asked him to empty his case.

Whether or not a fidget spinner and a pot of slime were stolen, what your child did, was arguably worse.

Where was the French girl when your daughter was going through her bags? Why did your daughter automatically assume theft when she saw a fidget spinner on top of a suitcase? Had she (and her English friend) been getting on with the two French girls?

You need to cancel the return trip.

^Definitely - sending 10 year olds off to stay with completely strange families is very odd. They are so vulnerable at that age. Imagine if your DD returned branded a thief on the say so of some woman you'd never met who hadn't actually spoken to your DD about the situation.

I also wouldn't have taken it any further. For two reasons, the first one is she doesn't actually know if it was stolen or not. She left one sitting on top of the case, so it could simply have been chucked in by mistake if they'd been playing with it. The second one is I'd be ashamed of my own daughters behaviour here in her and her mate rifling through the girls stuff like that.

It's wholly possible the only badly behaved person here is the ops daughter.

Brenda is right. The thief trumps the searcher. All criminals thrive on secrecy. If someone is prepared to steal, they must be prepared to be searched.

The only other way would be for dd to go to OP. The OP will ask the girls for permission to search their bags and stand there as they do it. Now THAT would have been an incident. As it is, the thief got off lightly.

curly, perhaps things get stolen off your desk by the parents of children who have not taught them to have respect for other people’s privacy and boundaries and condone rifling through the belongings of others?

There’s absolutely no reason to think any of this stuff was stolen. The OP hasn’t even had the decency to allow these girls to explain themselves which of course she couldn’t because then she would have had to admit to the bag being searched.

Child B is going to get home and realise her bag has been rifled through after it was packed and tell her mother. If the OP has to attempt to explain that to anybody with dodgy story about suspicions being raised and DD rifling through the bag I think OP is going to end up the one looking shifty.

WHy is it ok to use the French girls’ young age as an excuse for stealing, yet OP’s daughter (same age I assume) should have had better judgement than to go through the suitcase?

You can’t use youthful lack of judgement or impulsiveness for one situation and not for the other.

@FreeNiki
There is no logic in that at all unless you 100% new the person you were searching was a thief and had the stolen goods. Which this girl did not
Girl B had no right to steal
Ops daughter had no right at all to search at her age of her own volition
Op I am shocked that because you found a stolen item you think it’s ok for your dd to have searched
What if she’s found nothing?

You can't decide that you think child A was in cahoots with child B. You have no proof so to label her a thief is wrong.
You have no proof that child A or B took the slime. Just because they were chatting in a foreign language doesn't mean they were plotting the Great Slime Robbery.
Your DD rifled through someone suitcase .... not nice behaviour

Child B is going to get home and realise her bag has been rifled through after it was packed and tell her mother. If the OP has to attempt to explain that to anybody with dodgy story about suspicions being raised and DD rifling through the bag I think OP is going to end up the one looking shifty

Child B would then have to disclose they took the stolen item, which they won't admit, of course, so they won't raise it. All's well.

blueshoes, your scenario is exactly what MUST happen in these circumstances. Although never by the host family.

School travel is a minefield and it is vital that all parties know what their responsibilities are. (responsibilites trumping rights, as one group is adult, and the other is not, therefore considered vulnerable)

perfume is absolutely right. If your daughter had suspicions she should have told you. Then you could have reported them to the organisers and asked them to attend and have the girl empty the case. At the very, very outside you could have asked the girl to empty the case herself.

This is all just so inappropriate. You really should not host children again.

Wow, what a weird thread. Of course in the grand scheme of things stealing a pot of slime and a fidget spinner is no great crime. But if my DS took items from someone else's home I'd want to know. He needs to learn to respect the belongings of others and to know he can't just take whatever he wants. If I have failed in teaching him that properly, then I need to know that he is stealing, even little things, so I can work harder to make sure he understands that no matter how little, it's not acceptable.

That said 10 years old is very young and if a child that age stole from me I wouldn't treat it as an indication of their overall character. I would also wonder if it was possibly an indication of something going on in the home as young children often steal due to a lack of positive attention. If I thought their parent was liable to react in a way that is disproportionate to the act, I'd let it lie. Out of my DS's friends I know that most of his parents could and should be told if they stole something small from my house and there are one or two others that I wouldn't tell at all. In each case I'd be acting as I thought was in the best interest of the child.

LOL at the idea of a 10 year old noticing the clothes in the bag are slightly askew.

OP, I think maybe should have happened is that your DD went to look for her own fidget spinners if she was suspicious they had gone missing, then if they still couldn’t be found, you asked the exchange kids if they had seen them and suggest they tip out their suitcase in case they had got mixed up with their clothIng. If they refused I would have contacted the mother to ask if it was ok to do it, and why.

It is stealing but I wouldn't get too worked up about it. If the child had taken money or something remotely valuable I would report it but in these circumstances I would just forget about it.

But nobody actually knows that child B stole anything. All the OP has is a child’s word from a rather dubious story. And the OP is jumping to huge conclusions that it was a theft if it was even in there. And another toy is missing, location unknown. If I couldn’t find every toy in the house after each play date and assumed it was a theft I would have accused every child in DS’s class of being a thief! It could well be under the sofa or under a car seat.

Jumping from the limited info the OP has to theft is pretty awful. Particularly when she hasn’t even given the children a chance to explain or defend themselves.

I sincerely hope some MNers don’t end up sitting on juries. Guilt can’t just be assumed on the basis of allegation.

Eltonjohnssyrup: but then you run the risk of the trip organisers minimising it like people have done on here and saying “ah well, itms only a cheap old fidget spinner, it’s no big deal, it’ll probably turn up”

OP, yabu. These are FRENCH children, dontcha know. Far more cultured, educated and well-mannered than British kids. Of course they weren't stealing! They simply indefinitely 'borrowed' a few small items of nominal value? So what? I'm sure no harm was meant. Stop making such a fuss and focus on the disgraceful behaviour of your own child here...

Sarcasm, btw

I just think the whole thing happened because they are too young.
10yr olds who don't have English as a first language, with highly desirable, but cheap stuff, they don't make the best decisions.
I wouldn't let you're Dd go on the return visit, not because I think the girls ore family are awful, they are just, as I've said, too young.

curly, so you’re laughing at the idea that a 10 year old would notice that their bag had been opened and all their stuff searched through and replaced. Yet your completely happy to accept the OPs claim that her DD who is the same age knows exactly where all of her possessions are and couldn’t possibly have mislaid one or left it lying about.

Right. Well does that seem fair to you?

Ugh, ignore typos.

I would be so disapointed in my 10 year old dd if she had gone through a guests suitcase because another guest had a fidget on top of her suitcase.
And, yes I would be more than disapointed if my child had stolen from someone aswell.

Have to agree with others... the fidget spinner in the suitcase could (albeit unlikely) have got there by mistake and you would never have known it was there had YOUR daughter not rifled through someone else's suitcase! She had zero reason to suspect theft simply from seeing a spinner on top of a suitcase. It's clearly not good behaviour for the girl to have tried to steal your daughter's toy (if that's indeed what happened and it wasn't misunderstanding/gathered up by mistake) but the behaviour of these girls is not your responsibility. Your daughter's ethics and behaviour, however, is and I sincerely hope you haven't validated her intrusive and rude behaviour to her. She needs to know in no uncertain terms that violating someone's privacy by rifling through their personal suitcase is totally unacceptable unless you are a customs officer!

You really should not host children again

I would agree with this. You've decided they are thieves, ignoring there could be an innocent explanation. You've decided your daughter was justified in secretly searching their belongings. You've made accusations to thr school about them, you've decided the two girls were in it together, when again you have no idea if that's true, and youur now even considering ignoring child a mother, or even telling her her child is a thief.

Honestly it's really unpleasant behaviour. Don't have kids to stay again. I wouldn't want my kid staying at your home if I'm brutally honest. It's one thing for your daughter to behave badly at ten. It's a totally other thing for you to feed into into and do it too.

I would tell the mother. It's not OK to steal from their host, even if the value is low.