To tell mother of French exchange that she was stealing?

[TuttiFrutti]

We have just hosted two French 10 year old girls in an exchange for a week (felt like a month). I'll call them Girl A and Girl B. I had built up an email contact with Girl A's mother in the weeks before the visit, but knew nothing about Girl B because it was a last minute substitution.

They were obsessed with fidget spinners and my DD bought them some with her own pocket money as a present.

On the night before their departure, they were packing and DD and her English friend walked past their open bedroom door and noticed one of DD's fidget spinners on top of Girl A's closed suitcase. They thought this was a bit odd so they opened Girl B's suitcase and discovered another of DD's fidget spinners in the suitcase, hidden under some clothes. They took it out, didn't tell the girls but came and told me. I decided not to confront them (regretting this now) because it was their last night and we had got the fidget spinner back anyway.

On the morning of their departure they were all playing with a pot of slime which my DD had bought 2 days before. I drove them into school and the two French girls were whispering together in the back of the car. When I got home guess what? The pot of slime had disappeared.

My DD and I feel quite shocked and let down that we made a huge effort to make them feel welcome and they have betrayed our trust like this.

I have told the school and they are going to tell the French school on Monday.

Do I tell the mother of Girl A? She has just What's Apped me an effusive thank you - do I reply at all?

My DD has the option to go back to France in the summer. Amazingly, she still wants to. When the family find out I have reported them for theft they may feel a bit differently of course. Or is the situation salveagable??? WWYD?

also OP says

noticed one of DD's fidget spinners on top of Girl A's closed suitcase. They thought this was a bit odd so they opened Girl B's suitcase and discovered another of DD's fidget spinners in the suitcase

so they probably searched girl A case as well and found nothing, there was less reason to search girl B's case there was nothing near her case, seriously if my kids had done that to a guest in our house I would be livid

It's a horrible feeling to have guests in your house (who I cooked for! for a week!) stealing from you, it feels like a kick in the teeth.

horrible being a guest in someone house and having your case searched

tutti, higgeldy has a point. Girl A did nothing wrong and also had your little darlings filthy mits rifle through her underwear.

You should not have children other than your own staying with you. You are incapable of treating them fairly as you allow your own child to do what she wants and accept what she says unquestioningly without giving the other children a fair hearing.

Your DD should have told you and you should have contacted the school or tour company.

You and DD have massively inappropriate boundaries and feel it is reasonable to break the boundaries of other children at a whim without reasonable justification whilst being oversensitive about your own boundaries.

Regardless of what these two girls did your handling of the situation was completely inappropriate. You are a totally unsuitable guardian for other people’s children.

Your DD is not mature enough to go away alone and you need to cancel the return leg.

If this is properly investigated any school worth it’s salt would ban you from hosting again and also warn your DDs senior school that your inappropriate boundaries make you an unsuitable host.

Gosh Elton get off your high horse before you get vertigo. Who are you to dictate whether toe OP should have kids other than her own staying with her? Children do nick things - one of my so delightful students took my purse once, and things frequently disappeared from my desk. A school that tells you it doesn't have a theft problem is lying, and I don't suppose French ones are immune to it either - I know that International ones and Belgian ones aren't.

I would imagine the OP would breathe a sigh of relief at never having to host again. I did it two or three times (very reluctantly) when ds was at an International school and ended up having to turn round filthy football kit overnight and pick up pissed kids in the car late at night when they had been given a curfew and strictly forbidden to drink and were in the one place I had warned them not to go to.

What about the 'massively inappropriate boundaries' of the French girls having taken the fidget spinners of the OPs DD in the first place?

I know it feels like a horrid betrayal to have a guest take things from you (I've been on the receiving end of this) but it is terribly common and the things the girls have taken are very petty and of low value. I would honestly forget about it. I had cousins aged 7 to 13 stay with me when I was a child, and I can remember 3 occasions where things were stolen (some pens, parts of a chemistry set, some little things like hair slides etc). It's not a massive deal. And when I went on an exchange trip myself, age 13, I stole magazines from my host family because they had pictures of a pop star I liked in them.

I think you're over-reacting and being rather unkind, to be honest.

Children do steal things yes. Children also tell lies and can be really sneaky.

And the thing is, any parent who can’t acknowledge the fact that it’s a possibility sometimes it might be their child who does that is not an appropriate person to care for other people’s children.

scary, you’re a bit daft if you think 20/20 hindsight makes what the OPs daughter did okay.

There was no reasonable justification for her daughter to go rifling through somebody else’s possessions. Even if Girl B did steal something girl A has had her bag rifled through and her privacy invaded even though she did nothing.

What happens next time they have an exchange student? They may have done nothing but if OPs DD thinks they look a bit funny or left their bag too near her cardigan then they’re going to end up with OPs daughter going through their stuff because Mummy has told her it’s fine to go rifling through other people’s pants and toothbrushes.

They are 10, 10.
They are in a foreign country where the language doesn't come freely to them and they took a couple of crap toys.
Their host is now talking about how she cooked for them for a week, yet she agreed to this exchange with 10yr olds.
10.
Ffs.

Why would you be saying anything to Girl A's mum? There's absolutely no proof that girl A did anything wrong at all. The fact the fidget spinner was on top of the case doesn't indicate she was planning to take it at all.

I'm another who would be livid with my 10yo for going through the luggage of another person. 10yo's aren't responsible for dealing with discipline or the likes. 10yos tell adults who then deal with the other children. Your DD had no right to go through those suitcases, and needs to be told so.

You've told the school so leave it to them.

Here we go again.
On mn if your child tells you something that someone else did then they are automatically liars. It couldn't possibly have happened exactly like they said.

I feel sorry for a lot of kids if thier patents are on mn cos according to mn they are never ever believed unless they have a policeman/woman, headmaster or justice of the peace as a witness.

I have

Ops dd bought them presents from her own pocket money. They obviously liked them or child B wouldnt have taken dds one. Its pretty bloody mean and petty of you to call them "crap toys" when ops dd was being kind to her guests and they then thought it was ok to steal from her.

Are you an Old Testament house,do you live by a very strict moral code
What? I don't believe in anything and i feel the same as the op

It’s the dogmatic rigidity I’m talking about.the its stealing,end of,type posts
What so,no account being made for it being impulsive act of a 10yo child
I’d not be calling the child’s mother.id chalk it down as a minor & silly transgression

Do not host children again.

Here's the most likely scenario.

French girls show interest in fidget spinner. Your dd says to her 'here you can have this one' (meaning you can have this one to play with now)

French girl thinks she has been given it permanently. Packs her case and includes the spinner she thought she had been given.

I would say that unless your dd is totally fluent French or the other girls fluent English that would be the most plausible explanation. Not theft. Why didn't you just ASK THEM?

I would be livid if my daughter stayed somewhere and some little stuck up shit went through her stuff because she saw her fidget spinner near it. Your daughter sounds horrible. And so do you for jumping to a conclusion without even the decency of actually asking the other girls.

I would be livid if my daughter stayed somewhere and some little stuck up shit went through her stuff because she saw her fidget spinner near it. Your daughter sounds horrible. And so do you for jumping to a conclusion without even the decency of actually asking the other girls

Wow! In your righteous anger did you miss the bit whete ops dds own toy was secreted in child B's suitcase? You know as in she eas stealing it?
What an appaling way to speak about a child who's possession was almost stolen. Talk about victim blaming.
But i suppose you would be ok with some other mum hosting your dd for a week then being ok about your precious dd stealing from them?

Fucking morals of this country have gone down the pan.

Willow2017

No one is trying to justify stealing, no one is blaming the OP's dd for her things being stolen. But the OP's dd with her friend decided they could go through both quests personal belongings and excuse it on seeing one of their fidget spinners on top of girl A's bag, that is not okay behaviour.
I would be extremely disapointed in my child if they had stolen from someone who was hosting them, furious in fact (though girl A didnt steal anything as far as we know and we dont know if girl B could have picked it up by accident) but I would also be disapointed in my child if they had gone through a guests bag.

YANBU, they were stealing and appear to think that's OK. Massively disrespectful way to treat your DD as well. I think the mums need to be told.

People on this thread have asked op if her daughter was mean to the girls and thats why they took the toy.
They have called her dd all sorts of names.
And there has been justification as to why the toy was hidden inside the shut suitcase and the ridiculous notion that as they are French they didnt understand what toy was thiers or dds by colour or what stealing is. (Cos obviously french people are ignorant of colours and the concept of theft)

Op the fundamental fact here is you don't know if either of these girls stole. There are many other less nefarious reasons it could have been in there. Kids don't pack well and often pick things up by not being careful. Sure they could have stole, but you don't know. No two ways about it.

Yout attitude to these girls is horrid. Saying it felt like a month, that you had to cook for them, if you didn't want them there why did you agree to it. You're a grown woman on here bitching about two little girls being in your home.

I think thr only thing anyone can say for sure, the only facts are you and yours didn't treat these children well, you didn't want them snd you should never have agreed to it.

I do hope you don't allow your daughter to go there. But if you do, I hope she is treated better than these girls. Maybe she will have her belongings rifled through in their home and be accused of being a thief and be reported to thr school and also not given the benefit of thr doubt.

But as you did it to their kids, you're good with it happening to yours.

Right?

OP, I am on your daughter's side. It may be a bit uncouth, but better to protect your stuff than just accept your are being very likely stolen from and doing nothing about it. The suit case was not a diplomatic case.
I think that stealing from a host is far worst than that.
If the other limp sponges here want to call your daughter a little madam, so be it, but in my opinion she was vindicated.

And yes, us French know what theft is, and also the rule of respecting your host in their own home. At 10, they should know better, in any language.

OF COURSE it's wrong to steal but the fact is that OP's DD had NO reason to believe anything had been stolen from her before she rifled through someone else's luggage! The fact she found something is irrelevant - she had no call to do it in the first place! If she had seen the girl sneak it into her luggage, then it MAY have been acceptable to retrieve it - although what she ought to have done in either case is go to OP and ask her to deal with it. To be honest, neither child is coming out smelling of roses here but they are both CHILDREN and it's not great to see an adult on here say that OP's daughter sounds horrible, for goodness sake. However, OP, whilst you would be right to reiterate to your DD that stealing is not ok or fair, you would also be right to reiterate to her very clearly that you don't go through someone's things on a whim and that she should have come to you if she was suspicious.

OP, I am on your daughter's side. It may be a bit uncouth, but better to protect your stuff than just accept your are being very likely stolen from and doing nothing about it

That's just ridiculous, no one said do nothing, they said she should have spoken to her mother if she had suspicions. Not go rifling through their case.

And yes the fact remains she had no cause for suspicion in the first place. Other than possibly they were all just not wanting the kids there and treating them badly.

Willow, I am with you. It is a parallel universe on mn sometimes.

The ones who are calling the dd up on searching the suitcase have forgotten that not just the second fidget spinner was hidden in the suitcase but the slime also subsequently went missing.

These are thieves, 10 year old thieves. Apparently, it is as if the thieving never happened because the dd should not have gone through the suitcase in the first place.

Are we in a court of law where the searching is inadmissible evidence. Were 10 year olds intimidated in OP's home? Safeguarding gone mad. FFS.

I don't think anyone meant that French people are thick or don't understand stealing. Isn't it obvious that people mean that they might not know the English words for things properly. For example maybe they were playing and they thought 'you can have / play with this one' meaning to borrow meant 'have' or the words for colors or any other ways the language barrier could lead to a misunderstanding. But since op never asked them for any explanation (which she said she should have in op) as to why they had the fidget spinner there is no way of knowing if it was stolen or a mistake.

Leaving aside the stealing I can't get over people letting their 10 year olds go on exchange trips? I didn't even realise these still happened

Eltonjohn Children can be sneaky? Really? I wouldn't have ever guessed that, being a parent and a teacher as well, and having 600+ kids through my classroom in a week.

I think you are sitting behind your keyboard being dogmatic and contrary because you can.

I also think that some of the epithets being flung at the OP and her daughter, who is ten, such as stuck up little shit are unpleasant in the extreme.

Perhaps the OP should, in hindsight, have asked her guests about why they had her dd's fidget spinners, but as she says, she didn't want to spoil their last evening.

I don't see how anyone can extrapolate that the exchange kids were treated badly - if that had been the case, the Mum of A would not have thanked the OP for having her daughter, and the kids would have undoubtedly complained to their teacher and have been removed from the OP if things were that bad.