Comments on being an "older" mum

[Moominfan]

It's news to me that at 30 I'm considered an older mum. Would love to have started younger but I was giant 20 something selfish mess. Got house plants they survived, partner and a dog. Generally got my shit together late 20s. Would love a second but nows not the time. Due to finish a degree and want to do a masters that will mean I no longer have to do low paid jobs. At baby group someone commented they don't want to be in their 40s going to school picks ups they couldn't think of anything worse. Can't see myself having another for a few years taking me to mid 30s for next one. Is it really that old? I could squeeze another in now and start a masters next year but I'm selfish and I'm enjoying getting my life and relationship on track with just one child in tow. They sleep through and I never struggle with a baby sitter. To have a second I'd be spreading myself thinly and I don't think I'd enjoy motherhood that much. Anyway just ranting more than anything. Any "older" mum's put their two pence in?

School run in your 40s . . . .?? Don't make me laugh! I didn't get started on school runs until I was 50+. Yesterday was my 59th birthday; my only DC is in Y6.
At least he will be out of primary school before I'm 60 - phew!
Yes I've been mistaken for his gran many times. But as everyone says, who cares? Having him against the odds aged 48 was the best thing ever and, yep, I was way way too immature at the "right" age.

I had my first at 25. It was tricky for me as I was out of sync age wise with my peers at baby groups and even now most of the mums are five years older than me or more. I think it does depend on where you live.

I know how you must feel. I was 32 and 34 having mine, which is young in some areas but I’m by far the oldest mum in the classes my kids are in. Take no notice, I don’t!

"The only downside is hitting the menopause as they hit peak hormones."

I had DD3 when I was a fortnight off 39. I've avoided the adolescent/menopause rage off by going through menopause at 44. Now 47, no periods since then, DD is now 8, I am free to face her teens with meno a long way behind me.

"Medically, elderly primagravida is 35yo and above"

Pretty sure it used to be 25?!

Moominfan You say you are from the NW. My family are from that area and I go back all the time. It's very split with lots of 18-25 having babies and then 36-42 seems to be the other peak. I had mine at 31, 32 and 35. When I go home to my Dad with my youngest people are shocked I have three. Apparently I look younger than my 37 years. I think I look my age. I certainly feel it.

I think you are smart to focus on finishing your education before having a second. It's very expensive to have a second, especially when they are teens and having a 3+ year gap will help you when it comes to funding university for them. Babies are cheap. It's the teenage years that I am scared of.

As others have said it depends on the demographics of the group. Around here it is polarised, with groups for younger mums (who on average are poorer, less years of education, more religious, etc) and groups for older mums (who on average are better off, more years of education, more likely to own their homes).

I think both groups sometimes feel judged and make defensive comments accordingly, which may have included the comment about not being able to think of anything worse than picking up kids from school at 40.

I was 30 when I got pregnant with dd1 in 2004, the midwife had to check whether I was classed as eldery prima gravida but apparently I wasn't as the definition had recently changed!

Where I grew up having a child at 25 was considered 'leaving it a bit late'. One of the many reasons why I left as soon as I could.

I had my youngest in early 30s. I used to think it was older mum when I was late teens. But now i wiuld say most mums where i live are my age or older. Lots have children in the 40s here. Many parents are in the late 40s and 50s at D'S primary.

I too think it's the 'demographics' of your area and the social make up (putting it politely).
In NW London the other mums of new reception kids' reactions when they found out I was 'only' 30 so had my daughter at 26 was ridiculous - I felt like a teenage mum. Most of them were late 30s early 40s having had kids mid 30s onwards.

Probably also a pertinent point that in some areas, "living it up in your 20s" isn't going to be as achievable as others. In some areas, even people without children are working all the hours they can just to get by, so going off travelling the world or staying out all night partying isn't achievable.

It's an anecdote, of course, but the people I know from uni who are now spending their 20s living it up and travelling and partying currently live rent-free or very very low rent with their parents, work for their parents' company and are given very generous amounts of cash to help them. Of the people who aren't travelling/partying etc (bear in mind I'm the only one with a child) the majority are paying a lot of rent because living with parents isn't an option, working in minimum-wage or low-salary jobs and taking on second jobs to get by, cutting down massively on their free time. I'd be in that second category whether I had DD or not.

For some people, getting pregnant in late teens/early twenties would be the absolute worst case scenario. For some people getting pregnant in late thirties/early forties would be the absolute worst case scenario. It's dependent on so many variables that to judge someone for becoming a parent at any age is just plain daft, frankly.

I have 6 children age 27 yrs, 25yrs and 10, 8, 7, and age 5yrs! All by the same father I have been married 28 yrs I had my first DS at 21 and than a DD at 23 than a gap DS at 37, DS39,DS at 42 and my lovely Baby DS at age 44 so Saw both sides I am a lot more patient now that I was i must say. I will be 49 this year it's not a problem at the school gates there are a fair few other older mums

Age of mother not such an issue if healthy and still fertile. How would you feel if you put it off and then can't have a second?
You will be tied by school for a longer period, and your life not your own again, if that is an issue. Do what is best for you and your family, nobody else's business.
The older child may benefit from longer period as only one and not jealous of baby, but may not be so close. 5 year gap quite difficult as they are at really different stages, hard to meet individual needs. Little one always playing catch up. Worse if same sex.
A longer gap 7/8 years may be better with less competition. Some have two families, years apart, the first are adult even have their own dc when last is born. Your life, your choice.

It really does tend to depend on the demographic -
we used to live in a city area jam packed with professionals (mainly drs) and I was one of the youngest mums on the school run (1st at 29)
We then moved for work to a village and our eldest is at school in a local town.
Very different demographic I am the only professional mum in DSs year. I am one of the older mums, now generally his friends mums are 10 years younger than me unless they also have kids in their 20's
I suspect it's because when they started their families I was still at university.

ohno....

'Teens and 20's yeah, but 30's no. IMO, Time to grow up when you hit 30.

And no fucking WAY would I be having babies in my 40's.

No.

Way.'

Not surprisingly, you haven't got my point. I'll try again.
20s & 30s is the time for living for yourself, being as selfish as you want, i.e. putting in long work hours to climb that ladder, accepting frequent overseas work engagements at the drop of a hat, getting all one can out of your prime working years.
Of course, travelling in style and where one wishes without worries over childcare/expense is a bonus as is buying a house etc.
Well, it's the view of 'my' demographic...
Partying is all fun but not at the expense of education or career.
Not sure where your comment about 'growing up' fits.

Recently i took my car to the garage and said something about collecting after the school run and the guy said to me 'oh your kids are still in school are they?' I laughed and said my oldest is in reception and my other 2 haven't even started yet. I was looking particularly haggard that day!

Generally speaking graduates are more likely to spend their twenties developing professional careers. It takes two years to train as a teacher, post graduate to fully qualified. Four to become a junior doctor. Then a number of years becoming established in that career.

So it's hardly surprising that professionals in the more well-to-do areas have their kids later. If you leave school/college at 18 you have a few years jump on graduates.

My DM left school at 16 and had my DSis at 21 - her mother told her that was late! My DM encouraged me to live as much of my life as I wanted before having kids, and impressed upon me that there was no great rush. Then she died in her mid fifties before I'd even begun to think about having them. Five years later I had my son.

Speaking as the child of older parents, I think there’s good things and bad.
Was good to have more parents with more resources, more life experience.
But now I’m an adult, my parents (dad especially) aren’t able to help out really with my children, like others are. And one of my parents is very ill, it’s awful that they won’t be around for as much of my life as they would have been if they’d had me younger. If that makes sense.
This article sums it up really well

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/mar/01/older-pensioner-parents-teenagers-fathers-children

I had my first 3 DCs by 29.

Then I fell preg with DD4 at 44. When i went and presented myself to the midwife at 8 weeks i expected she'd fall off her chair and buzz for the emergency measures team.

Nope - she was unfazed.She checked my health and said she'd book me in for the 12 week scan - which hospital did i want to go to ect. When i quizzed her she said she'd put me on a normal care plan, i was perfectly healthy and she had no concerns! She was surprised that i'd bought it up! :)

She said she had two ladies on her books right then pregnant in their early 50s and that these days about half her caseload of mums are in their 40s. I was weirdly disappointed. I ended up having less regular contact with HCPs than i had when having my older ones in my 20s.

I'm 43 and I have three children aged 10, 7 and 3 so had my youngest at 40. I was classed as a geriatric mum by the midwives lol. Yes it was harder and more risky but that is how life worked out. I don't have the energy of a 25 year old mum but I have more patience, wisdom and a more stable life than I did in my twenties, so the moment was right. It's about what works for you x

wake you really aren't doing yourself any favours. 20's/30's were right for you to be living it up, that isn't a scientific fact or superior choice.

That's as ridiculous as someone recoiling in horror at the school run at 40.

My demographic, those secure enough about their own social status that they don't need to judge others to convince themselves they are superior, generally have dc when we feel ready. Whatever age that is.

Anyone trying to convince others their choice is the best clearly doesn't feel secure about it.

I find it the same I'm more equipped to deal with anything the boys need than I was with my eldest 2 born in my early 20's i deal with things a lot calmer than I did back then.

The average where I'm from seems to be 26-30 for first baby, but I have friends with 12 year olds ranging from 32 to 52.
It doesn't really matter, as long as you can have a child you're not you old. You sound sensible OP.

I do feel sad that if my kids wait till the same age as i did to have kids i'll be 70, 74 and 78 and possibly dead or unable to actively enjoy being with them. My grandparents all died when i was in my 30s but my parents are already 74 and my kids are just infants. Mil died between ds2 and dd being born and fil has dementia and doesn't even know their names. I do wish i had had them earlier. But i didn't meet DH till i was 33.